What Keeps You from Being Your Best Self

How to Improve Without Having to Work So Hard

You can be standing in a crowd of thousands and still feel like the only person on the planet.

It doesn’t matter whether you’re married or single–loneliness can hit hard in the midst of the busiest seasons.

Nothing can make you feel more isolated and insignificant than feeling like no one gets you–like no one understands the thoughts going through your head and the weight sitting on your shoulders.

Being lonely is not conducive to growing and becoming your best self, but sometimes it’s not easy to find the community that can support you having the breakthrough you’re aching for.

Maybe it’s just finding the time for a heartfelt conversation with a friend who really gets you.

Maybe it’s discovering a mentor or coach who can offer the wisdom you want.

Maybe it’s breaking out of your comfort zone in order to meet some new faces–faces who will cheer you on and maybe even become your friends.

Here are 5 ways being in the right community makes it easier than ever to be your best self.
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And I’m giving away something fun that will help you, so be sure to read to the end.

1. You Stop Feeling Like You’re Clueless

It is so easy to feel like no one is going through what I’m going through.

And it’s not always easy to meet people with common experiences, but when it happens it sure feels sweet.

Just hearing someone else tell your story that you thought was a secret can save years of therapy.

That’s one of the things I love about the community that we’ve created around here; as one person shares her problem, it gives all of us permission to say, “Me too.”

It’s a lot easier to admit that you’re struggling with feeling like your husband doesn’t spend any time with you after someone else says it first.

Sometimes there’s this unspoken “Holy Cow! You’re going through that too?”

That’s a pretty good sign that I’m not going to lose status in the tribe because I admitted something that I thought was shameful or embarrassing.

Just hearing from other women who are describing the same situation you’re in–the one where you thought you were the only one–is such a relief.

Since she’s got the same challenge, then it must mean it’s actually challenging and you’re not just a hopeless case.

It’s validation that this human experience is crazy sometimes.

2. You’re the Sum of the Top Five People You Spend Time With

We humans are a social breed. We tend to do what we see other humans doing, positive or negative.

Being around people who are growing and improving themselves and who understand your drive for personal development means you’re more likely to grow and improve yourself. You’re more likely to feel inspired when you see others breaking the old habits in favor of a way that serves them better.

Plus, one of the things I get from the tribe I spend time with is that they call on me to be my best self.

I try to hide out sometimes, I admit it. But they’re not having it.

They reflect back to me what they see and stand for my greatness and expect the best of me, which feels pretty amazing.

We all are better off when we feel seen, supported and called to be the best version of ourselves.

3. You Have Someone Else to Learn From

It’s incredible what I learn from other women. It’s changed my whole life completely for the better.

Some taught me who I am as a woman, and some knew how to help me have a great relationship, and others remind me where I’ve been and what matters.

Having friends who are in your same season of life definitely has its benefits. But what if you were intentional about making some friends that were in different seasons? What would you learn from those friends?

Think of your age as the level that you’re on in the video game of life. Wouldn’t it be great to learn from women who are ahead of you in the video game of life? And what about getting some reminders from the women who are behind you, too?

One thing I can tell you about being on level 49 is that it’s clear that talking to the other players has made me more successful.

4. You Have Built-In Cheerleaders

Letting people in means letting them see both the good and the bad in your life.

While friends have permission to challenge you and hold you accountable, they also have the privilege of cheering you on and celebrating your breakthroughs. What a joy!

Nobody can cheer for you unless they see what you’re doing. They can’t see what you’re doing unless you let them see by sharing it.

If you’re not cheering for anybody or getting cheered for now, I promise it will make you excel in ways you hadn’t imagined you could.

It also makes day-to-day life a lot more fun.

5. Community Reminds You That You Never Have to Do Life Alone.

Despite the ache of loneliness that likes to pull at our thoughts and soul from time to time, community offers us the safety and assurance that we’re not alone.

Even in the darkest moments, friends have the ability to remind you of possibilities and hope.

They remind you you’re loved and known and not forgotten.

Sometimes I long for solitude, but even the peace I feel in my alone-time springs partly from the inner strength that comes with being part of a circle that knows me and loves me anyway.

There’s one way I’ve seen women rally together and support each other, and you can be a part of it, too. I want to invite you to take one more step in finding community by joining us as we gather at the Cherished for Life Weekend in Costa Mesa, California.

Not only will you get a weekend to meet new friends, get away from your daily routine, and breathe a little, but you’ll get a weekend of insight and practices that will help you discover how to really get your man’s time, attention, help and affection again.

I’ll spend some time walking you through the Six Intimacy Skills™, introducing you to some incredible relationship coaches, and teaching you how to be an empowered and surrendered wife, girlfriend, and woman again.

And while you listen and lean in, you’ll meet other women around the table who are dealing with some of the exact things you thought you were battling alone.

One of the previous attendees shared with us:

“I met and got to know other women learning and practicing these skills! We laughed and cried together. We were vulnerable and intimate. I had a blast and made friends that weekend I still have today.” – Sheri Byrd

This is a weekend for YOU. It’s a weekend to learn, to laugh, to grow, to discover, and to breathe. You’ll walk away not only feeling cherished for a whole weekend, but cherished for life.

And I want to invite one of you for free!

Because we’re talking all about community and transformation today, I’d love to hear your story. I’m going to give away a ticket to Cherished for Life (and two nights of free lodging!).

To enter to win, all you have to do is share how learning the Six Intimacy Skills has impacted your life and relationship in the comments section below here in my blog. You can use a fake name if you like. It can be short–just a paragraph or two. Describe what your relationship was like before, and how it changed once you learned the Intimacy Skills. Or you could finish this sentence: The most valuable things I’ve gotten from learning The Six Intimacy Skills are: ________________________.

Some women don’t know about The Six Intimacy Skills yet, or are still having a hard time in their relationships. Your entry will give them hope AND get you entered to win an amazing prize worth over $600!

Just fill in your name and choose one of the entry options in the form below. We’ll announce the winner in the July 14th blog, so be on the lookout!

See you at The Cherished for Life Weekend!

a Rafflecopter giveaway

The post What Keeps You from Being Your Best Self appeared first on Laura Doyle.

How to Make Yourself Happy

3 Essentials to Feeling Ridiculously Good Again

I recently sent out a survey in which I asked, “How would you best describe your marriage?”

Over 1000 people responded, and I was floored by the results:

This means the majority of the participants fall into the categories of bumpy, struggling, or falling apart.

Here’s the thing:

None of us stood at the altar and thought, “I can’t wait to have an average marriage.”
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We all got married because we were in love. Because we were extremely happy. Because we found someone we wanted to spend the rest of our lives with.

Only happy people have happy relationships, which may sound obvious, but that wasn’t obvious to me when I was miserable.

I thought I was unhappy because of my marriage, and never realized that not knowing how to make myself happy was actually hurting my relationship–not the other way around.

Maybe you feel stuck. You know that being happy is possible, because you’ve lived it–maybe even for a long time–but somehow, now the spark is gone.

You’ve lost his attention, you’ve lost his affection, and you’ve lost yourself a bit, too.

When you said, “I do,” you meant for it to last forever. And that’s always been my goal–to help women figure out how to regain the relationship they’ve lost by showing them how to be the surrendered and empowered woman they’ve forgotten they are.

It is possible to be ridiculously happy again. You can be the woman to check the box saying, “My marriage is the best it’s ever been!”

It will start with you saying, “I’m the happiest I’ve ever been.”

It just takes some intentional work and knowing specifically what to do.

There are three things that come to mind when I think about what it took to delight myself and make my relationship vibrant again.

Instead of writing it all out here, I’ve put together three videos you can watch. It’s called 3 Essentials to Becoming Ridiculously Happy Again

You can sign-up to watch them here.

They’ll be emailed straight to your inbox (oh, and this is completely free).

I sat down and talked through what I think are the keys to getting your relationship back to that honeymoon phase, what may be missing and why I think it’s important.

Check the videos out here!

A happily-ever-after story doesn’t come without a few bumps in the road. The question is: will you move past the bumps, or fall in the rut and never climb out?

Or will you become a master of making yourself ridiculously happy again and enjoy the sweet connection that follows?

The post How to Make Yourself Happy appeared first on Laura Doyle.

Passive Aggressive Husband or Boyfriend

How to End Hostilities with a Man Who’s Negative, Sullen and Obstinate

If you’re married to someone who is passive-aggressive, then you’re frequently facing resistance to the simplest things.

His negative attitude is obvious, and sometimes he’s hostile for no reason.

When he says he “forgot” to pick up the groceries when he promised he would, you have a hard time believing it was accidental.

He doesn’t come out and say that he’s mad about having to drive the kids around yesterday while you were at your sister’s house.

That would be direct, which is the opposite of passive-aggressive. If he was direct, then you’d be able to communicate about it.

But he’s not, so you have to just guess what the problem is when the tension is so thick that clearly, there IS a problem.

That’s the challenge of living with a passive-aggressive husband.

There is a cure for a passive-aggressive man. It’s probably not what you imagine.
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It doesn’t require him to go to a therapist, read a book or take medicine.

These three simple steps–all within your control–will put an end to your suffering from his passive-aggressive behavior.

1. Stop Reading His Mind

Janice was highly skilled at reading facial expressions and gestures, to where she felt she could practically read minds.

When her passive-aggressive boyfriend was planning their vacation, he had a look on his face that she was certain meant he thought it was too expensive.

To avoid a confrontation, or him becoming negative and complaining, she offered to contribute an amount that exceeded what she was comfortable spending on the vacation.

He didn’t actually say that he wanted her to contribute so much to the vacation expenses. She just concluded it from a fleeting expression.

In other words, she read his mind.

Moments later, however, Janice was feeling resentful about how much she was ponying up for the trip, which left her feeling rather negative herself.

That resentment made her question whether she even wanted to go on the vacation with her passive-aggressive boyfriend, who she projected would probably be sullen on the trip anyway.

Before they ever packed a bag, she was already having a lousy time on the vacation.

Clearly, her man is not the only passive-aggressive one in this relationship, right?

Later she asked him how he would have felt if she hadn’t offered to pay so much for the vacation, and he seemed surprised to hear that she thought he had been stressed about it.

He hadn’t.

It was all a misunderstanding that she created by imagining that she knew what he was thinking and acting preemptively to solve a problem that didn’t exist.

Which happens a lot with mind-reading.

The takeaway? Consider giving up reading smoke signals, tea leaves or facial expressions to try to figure out what he’s feeling or thinking.

If he tells you directly, then you’ll know. Otherwise, it’s safe to assume that everything is fine with him.

If it wasn’t, he would tell you. After all, he’s a grown man. He knows how to talk. There’s no need to interpret for him.

You might feel like you do know what he’s thinking, because you’ve been with him so long that you know what his next move or sentence will be.

If you don’t like the outcome you’re getting from him when you read his mind, consider experimenting with pretending you don’t know what he’s thinking.

2. Clean Up Your Side of the Street

When a man feels disrespected, it’s very common for him to respond by being obstinate and negative.

I’d go so far as to say disrespect is the number one cause of obstinate, negative husbands and boyfriends.

When he reacts that way, however, wives and girlfriends who don’t realize they were disrespectful often look for explanations from mental health professionals, or search the Internet. The definition of passive-aggressive may seem to fit your experience.

But that’s almost never the real problem.

So to make sure that you’re not unwittingly exacerbating your husband’s or boyfriend’s foul mood, check to see if you were disrespectful.

Did you tell him what to wear to work?

Did you interrupt him while he was talking to the neighbors and finish his sentence for him?

Did you tell him how to cook the burgers he was grilling?

Did you do anything that would call into question his capabilities and competence?

Because that could make a man mad, mopey and miserable.

If you think you contributed to your boyfriend or husband’s dark mood by saying or doing something that was disrespectful, then it makes sense to clean up your side of the street by apologizing for that specific incident or what you said.

Luckily, you can restore the peace in seconds with an apology for being disrespectful.

Once you’ve apologized, it’s done. No need to repeat yourself if you’ve already delivered the message.

Just one specific, accountable apology is all you need.

It can do wonders.

As long as your side of the street is clean, there’s no need to fret about what might be causing him to sulk or procrastinate. That’s his business, and it’s not within your control.

3. Tend To Your Happiness

Another interesting thing that happens when you’re with a passive-aggressive man is that you tend to lose track of what you’re feeling because you’re so busy trying to figure out why he’s being so resistant or negative.

But while you’re focused on his mood or snippiness, your own life is going by with no one attending to it.

Your husband’s crummy mood is not within your control.

But your attitude and happiness level definitely are.

Consider focusing on what you can do, which is to be making yourself happy, regardless of what he’s doing.

If you’ve taken your eye off of the ball of tending to your own feelings and desires, who’s making sure that you don’t get negative?

Instead of wondering what he’s so upset about, consider asking what your own feelings are in that moment, separate and apart from him.

Are you happy?

If not, what are you going to do about that?

Forget about what you think he wants for a minute. What do you want? Will you be giving that to yourself pretty soon?

Don’t let the storm cloud over his head rain on your parade.

It’s okay to ignore that little cloud, and trust him to deal with whatever it is in his own way.

After all, you have an important job to do–to make yourself smile.

Guess what? We’ve chosen a winner from our Cherished for Life ticket giveaway! This person is winning a free ticket to Cherished for Life AND free lodging as well. And, the winner is … Patricia Swingler! Patricia, we will be emailing you shortly.

There’s still time to get your ticket! Our early bird pricing ends on July 22nd, so head over to CherishedforLife.com and grab your ticket. Can’t wait to see you there!

The post Passive Aggressive Husband or Boyfriend appeared first on Laura Doyle.

How to Become More Confident

7 Steps That Will Make You Super Self-Assured

You’re not the only person who feels insecure, of course.

Everyone does sometimes.

But it’s a worthy goal to want to feel more confident—to want to feel comfortable in your own skin.

Second-guessing what you just said and wishing you’d said something else, and wanting to make yourself disappear gets old and exhausting.

Having anxiety about whether you’re acceptable or lovable sucks up your vitality and takes up the energy you could have been using to do something way more fun and productive.

But it’s hard to know how to get out of the trap of feeling like you’re not good enough, that you’re missing some crucial information that everyone else seems to have, or that you’re just too broken or hopeless to ever feel like you can totally relax.

Becoming more confident will definitely make you more attractive.

Who doesn’t want that?

Fortunately, no matter how messed up you feel or your childhood was, you can become self-possessed and secure.

You can start making yourself confident with these 7 practical steps.
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1. Ask yourself how you feel

This sounds so simple, but I find that many women are not well-trained in this, even though emotional brilliance is one our feminine gifts.

We’re geniuses at knowing how we feel and expressing it, but if no one modeled it for you, you may not be tapping into your genius.

That means you’re walking around without the indispensable information you need to honor yourself, which is what confident people do.

Ask yourself how you feel, and then answer with a feeling word, like afraid, sad, hurt, angry, grateful, happy.

It could also be a physical feeling, like tired or hungry or relaxed.

Once you inform yourself about how you’re feeling, it will be a whole lot easier to take care of yourself, which will make you feel more secure.

2. Ask yourself what you want

Most women are not trained in this at all, which is tragic because this is the seat of feminine power.

Confident people honor themselves, and knowing what you want and being able to say it directly is a critical part of confidence.

It doesn’t mean you’ll always get what you want, but it’s definitely a great start.

Everyone wants things. Not knowing what they are, or pretending you don’t or ignoring what you want is equivalent to living in low-self-esteem land.

To move to the other side of the tracks, just think about what you want.

Make a list. Update it periodically as your desires change.

3. Spend time on frivolous fun everyday

Confidence comes when you’re willing to put other people off–including kids and husbands–to take care of yourself first.

Having frivolous fun is part of caring for yourself, especially for a woman.

Denying yourself fun may seem virtuous, but it’s actually eating away at your confidence by forcing you to cope with life without regular refueling and relaxing.

Start by carving out time for sitting on a porch with your book and lemonade, or shopping, or taking yourself to a café or for a bike ride.

As long as the activity brings you joy, it doesn’t have to do anybody else any good.

This is what confident people do. They enjoy themselves.

Feeling good also contributes to you feeling more relaxed and self-assured.

4. Consider Your Limits

Whenever someone wants me to do something that is going to cause me to be overwhelmed, exhausted, stressed out or resentful, I politely decline.

Here are the magic words I use to decline such invites: “I can’t.”

That’s it. I don’t explain that I will resent the person if I don’t say no. I just use those two magical words.

They keep me out of loads of trouble. Like the time my BFF wanted to talk after I’d talked all day for work.

“I can’t,” was all I said.

That didn’t make her love me any less, even though she really wanted to talk to me.

It made her look forward to talking to me more.

I was looking forward to talking too, just as soon as I felt up to it.

5. Take in Compliments as “The Truth”

When someone says you look beautiful, or have an amazing voice, or are so funny or so smart, consider believing them without reservation.

Why not?

If they think it, and they are saying it to you, how does it serve you to dismiss, contradict or undermine that positive point of view?

To become more confident, simply smile and say, “Thank you.”

You could even pause to take it in–even if it feels like a lie, and even if the conversation comes to an awkward halt when you do.

What’s the worst that could happen?

You might feel more beautiful, talented or bright.

Those are all confidence-inducing feelings.

6. Fill Your Own Tank

I used to ignore the first five steps above and get anxious, depleted and cranky a lot.

It felt awful, and I was desperate to feel better.

In those moments, I wanted my husband to do something because I wanted someone else to fix me, and he happened to be nearby.

Unfortunately, that’s not actually possible. I’m the only one who can fix me, first of all.

And once I’ve overdrawn myself like that, there’s no fixing me for a while, anyway.

But that didn’t stop me from getting angry and disappointed with him for not fixing me.

Learning to fill my own happiness tank before it got low freed me of that feeling of desperation and neediness.

When I stopped feeling needy and desperate, it improved my relationship greatly, allowing for more closeness and connection, which made me feel more loved.

Feeling loved has been great for giving me confidence.

7. Pretend You Are Confident

Some of the things I’m suggesting probably feel highly unnatural.

Maybe some of them don’t even make sense to you.

That’s okay. Find your spirit of adventure and experiment with them anyway.

In other words, you might feel anxious or afraid while you’re becoming more confident.

That’s normal. Being confident doesn’t mean you’re never anxious or nervous.

It just means that you trust that you’re worthy of the air time, the break, the good cut of beef, the compliment, the gift and the help that comes around.

You may not feel that way yet. That’s okay. You can still pretend that you do. Because here’s a little secret about confidence:

Pretending to be confident is how you become confident.

As you keep playing the part of a confident woman, something magical happens: you become more dignified, calm and attractive.

You’ll still be yourself, but you’ll be the best version of you: the one who knows her worth and treats herself well.

The post How to Become More Confident appeared first on Laura Doyle.

My Husband Ignores Me

Inspire Him to Seek Your Company Because You’re Irresistible

Around here, the TV seemed to be the main problem.

If I could just get rid of the TV, I would get a lot more of my husband’s attention–or so I believed.

Other women report that their husbands play video games incessantly, or work 117 hours a week, or have poker games every night.

Sometimes it’s surfing or golf or helping his mother.

Either way, she never gets his time and attention.

It’s lonely and frustrating.

But there’s plenty you, as a wife, can do to change this situation, and you’ll both be happier for it.

Here’s how to inspire your man to pay attention to you.
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Not just dutifully, but because he’s drawn to you and can’t resist you. He’ll seek out your company.

Follow His Lead

If he’s watching sports, it might be tempting to tell him to stop, or even to turn off the TV. My idea was to throw ours off of a cliff.

But instead, consider following his lead.

I don’t mean that you should sit with him and watch sports too–I mean that you should find something to do that makes you feel just as happy.

When you find yourself thinking he’s lazy, consider it a reminder that it’s okay to be lazy sometimes–and kick back yourself.

If you’re thinking, “But I can’t because of the kids and work and laundry!”

That’s just what I thought, too! I believed that if I goofed off as much as he did, everything would fall apart.

I was the self-appointed martyr who had to keep everything together.

Examine Your Words

And part of keeping it together was telling him how long he had been watching TV…and letting him know it was time to turn it off and get off the couch.

Yes, I really said embarrassing things like that.

It gets worse, actually.

I also said that he shouldn’t be watching so much TV because it was bad for him.

In other words, I was an unpleasant toothache of a wife.

Imagine you have the choice to spend time watching TV, or spend time with a toothache. Which would you choose?

Well, exactly.

My husband was ignoring me because I had become resistible.

A big part of my resistibility was control. I was often telling him what to do and how to do it.

As in, “You could unload the dishwasher since you’re just sitting around.”

And then, if he did unload the dishwasher–which was pretty rare in those days–I would give him instructions like, “That goes with the mixing bowls, not the cereal bowls.”

And then I would say, “How many resumes did you send out today? None? Well what DID you do today?”

Even a supermodel would start to seem pretty unattractive by this point.

The issue wasn’t that TV was so gripping to my husband. He wasn’t so much ignoring me as soothing himself with the TV.

My husband was married to a porcupine, and whenever he interacted with me he was getting pricked.

Relinquish Inappropriate Control

What made me so painful to be around was my incessant attempts to control him.

I might as well have been screaming, “You’re not very smart or capable!”

Nothing ruins the intimacy faster than control.

But here’s the good news: when I relinquished inappropriate control of him, he wanted to hang with me again.

When I first started relinquishing inappropriate control, I felt like a complete mess most of the time.

I was so scared! Which makes sense, because the root of the urge to control is fear. So every time I told him what to do, it was because I was afraid.

Afraid I would have to work harder, pay more, wait longer, drive in traffic or be lonely if I didn’t control things.

When I decided to stop indulging my fear and choose my faith instead, I wasn’t very good at it at first.

I would start to say something controlling, then stop mid-sentence and try to cover it up by pointing to something shiny.

Other times, just not saying anything controlling led me to feel like I had nothing to say to him. I felt like a mute.

Remember to Chill

But my husband didn’t seem to notice my struggles or my silence. Or if he did, it didn’t bother him a bit.

Quite the opposite. He was smiling more, talking more and—check this out!—seeking out my company.

I remember coming home one memorable day, and his face lit up when he saw me.

That felt so good!

In other words, when I stopped controlling, he stopped ignoring me.

I had the key the whole time, but didn’t realize it.

My husband wasn’t rejecting me–he was just trying to avoid being stabbed by my porcupine barbs.

When I got soft again, he was right there, ready to snuggle up to me and talk about his day.

Right now, he’s sitting next to me even though I’m writing my blog. He just wants to be nearby.

Sometimes, my husband still watches TV, but not that often. And when he does, it’s my reminder.

Hey, time to chill.

The post My Husband Ignores Me appeared first on Laura Doyle.

How to Behave With Your Husband

9 Myths Uncovered

Maybe your husband seems distant or cold.

Maybe he’s just so touchy all the time—like if you breathe wrong, it sets him off.

Or you see him so rarely it’s just awkward when you’re together, and you start to wonder, “How should I act around this guy?”

You want him to be more loving and less grouchy.

So you’re doing the things you think should get him to snap out of his crummy mood and realize he has a pretty great wife.

But it’s not working.

It could be that you’ve fallen prey to one of these common misconceptions about husbands that’s making things harder than they need to be.

Whenever I hear one of these 9 relationship myths, I want to punch someone.
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That’s because I struggled a lot thinking they were true.

These common myths might be making your marriage hard. Read on to discover what to do to make it easy and fun again.

Myth #1: Doing His Laundry Shows You Care

Same goes with making his doctor appointments, packing his lunch and buying his underwear.

Those things seem like something he’d appreciate and feel happy you did, but they actually make him feel smothered and mothered.

Even if you’re a stay-at-home-mom, consider letting him do more for himself while you take a bath or watch cat videos with your time and energy surplus.

Your job (and his too) is to take care of the shorter ones. Let the tall one with the beard figure it out for himself.

Myth #2: “Show Him That You Care Just for Him. Do the Things He Likes To Do”

With apologies to Burt Bacharach and Hal David, that’s just not going to work for restoring playfulness and passion.

Neither is wearing your hair just for him, while we’re talking about that old song.

If he likes to golf, and you like to rollerblade, you can go skating while he’s putting and then you’ll both have something fun to report when you see each other again.

If he likes to fish and you like to swim and read by the water, then it might make sense to go together–but only if you’re looking forward to it, too.

No couple ever got happier because she gave up her interests to do something she didn’t like so they could be together.

Myth #3: Be Supportive By Helping Him

This myth might be the biggest homewrecker on the list.

That’s because every wife wants to be helpful to her husband, but most of us don’t realize that making helpful suggestions in wife language translates into criticism and disrespect in husband language.

Instead of helping him solve his problem, consider reflecting back to him that he’s smart and capable.

Your faith in him means more than your tips on what to do ever could.

Myth #4: Find Out What He Wants

Of course you want your husband to be happy too, but here’s the twist I never realized until after I had already driven my relationship into a ditch: the way to make your husband happy is to let him make you happy.

Better yet, make yourself happy and appreciate him. Let him know how happy he makes you.

Asking him what he wants so you can do it for him will never, ever be as magical as letting him be your hero.

Myth #5: Ask How He Feels

My husband hates this one. He doesn’t want to talk about how he feels.

I’ve asked him before and he says, “Hungry.”

Sometimes he says, “With my hands.”

That’s because I’m asking him about my area of expertise—not his. So it would be like asking my husband about something girly—like eyeliner or strapless bras.

Women are emotionally brilliant, so that’s our department.

Instead of asking him how he feels, ask him what he thinks and ask yourself how you feel.

That way, you’re both sticking to your strengths.

Myth #6: Be Willing to Compromise

I haven’t compromised in my marriage for nearly two decades. Neither has my husband.

How is that possible?

Because we stick to our strengths. I’m focused on my feelings and desires—the seat of feminine power—and he’s focused on what he thinks is best.

Therefore, it’s impossible to have a conflict where one of us is wrong and one is right because we’re not even in the same realm.

Today I wanted to throw out the old phone that was crackling. He thought we should keep it because that phone is the partner of the other phone that works fine, and they’re on the same system.

After he told me his thinking, I wanted to keep the phone too.

In other words, his thinking influenced me, and then my desire changed.

We didn’t come to a compromise because we didn’t need one. We negotiated in our areas of strength and came to agreement.

Sure, I was the one who was influenced this time, but sometimes my desires influence his thinking and we reach agreement that way.

Myth #7: Be Available When He Is

There’s nothing wrong with being available when he is—unless it means you’re missing the fun class you wanted to take, or the girl’s trip or the run you had planned.

Doing the things that bring you joy are more important than rearranging your schedule to be home when he gets home.

You’ll be way more attractive if you’re filled up and happy when he sees you than if you’re always there, waiting for him to make you happy.

Myth #8: Help Him by Reminding Him

Want to make sure he remembers to get his oil changed? To pick up the kids? To drop off the mail or the dry cleaning?

You don’t have time to track his responsibilities because you’re way too busy doing fun things, ideally.

That’s okay, because he’s got it anyway. He can remind himself.

He may exercise his right to be wrong at times, which can be a bummer, but hey–I can’t even prevent myself from exercising my own right to be wrong at times.

Reminding him to do things—especially more than once—will hurt the intimacy and take up the energy you need for important things–like laughing at pictures of recipe fails on Pinterest.

Myth #9: It’s Your Job to Make Him Happy

Okay, so this one could be true, but ONLY if you make him happy by letting him make you happy.

In that case, you have this one just right.

As soon as he feels successful making you happy again, he will be happier and more confident, too.

For greater connection, playfulness and passion, the way to behave with your husband is like a woman who knows what she wants and gives that to herself.

The post How to Behave With Your Husband appeared first on Laura Doyle.

Can You Be Feminine and Feminist?

Why You’ll Never Succeed Any Other Way

What if you want to be able to have every opportunity to do your life’s work and earn what you’re worth for doing it, but you don’t want to be identified as an angry woman who rails against the patriarchy and doesn’t shave her armpits?

Should you call yourself a feminist?

And what if you also want to wear sparkly necklaces and be womanly while you’re kicking butt in your career? Is that going to make you less competitive in the work world?

In other words, what if you want to be feminine and soft, yet still fulfill your earning and career goals?

Can that be done? And if so, how? What does that even look like?

In my experience, it’s not only possible, it’s the only way to truly succeed–if by succeed, you also include having a gratifying relationship.

I’m gonna assume that’s what you mean, because who doesn’t want that?

Here are 3 ways to flourish as a feminine feminist:
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1. Honor Your Feminine Gifts

If you try to succeed by acting like a man–even though you don’t know how to be a man–that’s going to be stressful.

It’s hard to succeed when you’re a round peg in a square hole. You can’t even be yourself.

That can make you cranky, and maybe even start to seem like that angry, unpleasant type of feminist we’ve all heard so much about.

As a woman, you’re going to show up differently in the workplace than a man would because you are different, and that’s often a benefit to your clients or your employer.

Imagine if Ella Fitzgerald had tried to sing like Louis Armstrong. She wouldn’t have been able to do it very well, but she would have robbed us all of the pleasure of her gifts as a singer, which were completely different than Louis’s awesome pipes.

You’re different than the men at work too, and I don’t just mean your size and shape.

I mean you as a woman have unique gifts to contribute, like emotional brilliance, for example.

You’re better at knowing how you feel and expressing it than men are.

That emotional brilliance can give you an edge in nurturing the relationships with your team, vendors and clients.

It’s a great quality for a leader to have.

So instead of just acting like a smaller, curvier man, celebrate your own feminine strengths and use them to lead the project or the team to the finish line.

2. Stop Managing When Work is Done

One of the best things that ever happened to me professionally was getting married.

I recommend it for all working women.

It gives me so many advantages in the work world, including having another great mind to help me analyze and address challenges and make decisions; financial backing that helps me take more risks, a sounding board, an admirer when I feel discouraged, and hugs and kisses when everything goes kablooey.

My husband also published my first book and shoots and edits all of my videos. So the list of extraordinary benefits goes on and on.

But before I realized I had feminine gifts, being married didn’t seem that advantageous, professionally.

That’s because my husband seemed hostile and distant most of the time.

The problem was that I was trying to manage my husband like a project or a team member at work, and husbands don’t like to be managed.

They resist it mightily, in my experience.

So learning to turn off managerial Laura when the working day was done and put on my soft, feminine hat when I was with my husband was incredibly helpful for me personally and professionally.

It restored the connection in my marriage, which resulted in me showing up for my work with so much more to give because I stopped wasting all my energy on a struggling relationship.

Shortly after I had gotten the hang of changing my hat, I became a New York Times bestselling author, and went on national TV shows like Dateline, Today, The View and Good Morning America.

That’s how much it helped me professionally to take off my work hat when the working day was done.

3. Express Your Desires Instead of Being Assertive or Complaining

When Sheryl Sandburg famously told everyone they should stop calling little girls “bossy” because it would inhibit them from asserting themselves as leaders in the future, I winced.

First of all, I didn’t like being told what to do, even if it’s about not calling people names. Who does?

It also sounded a lot like a complaint, and implied that telling other people what to do has something to do with leadership.

It doesn’t.

Nobody is inspiring when they complain or tell you what to do—sorry, Sheryl.

The most effective way to get a group of people to work vigorously toward a common goal is with inspiration.

One great way to inspire people is by tapping into your desires and expressing them purely—with no criticism, control or complaint.

And since desire is the seat of feminine power, learning to express your desires in a way that inspires those around you could just change the world.

Here’s what I mean.

Assertiveness says, “I’ve been waiting for your report for over a week, and it’s holding up this project. I need you to get it done by tomorrow.”

Desire says, “I’m excited to deliver the finished project because I think the client is going to love it. Your part of the project is so valuable, and I would love to see your recommendations.”

Which one is more inspiring?

Being feminine at work means speaking from your desires instead of telling people what to do.

A feminist might say, “It’s unfair that women don’t make equal pay for equal work and we have to put an end to that!”

A feminine feminist might express a desire, “I’m committed to doing a great job, and I would love to make $XX (what I deserve) for that work.”

It takes a little focus at first, but once you get the hang of it, you’ll love how it feels to be a feminine feminist.

The post Can You Be Feminine and Feminist? appeared first on Laura Doyle.

My Husband Never Compliments Me

3 Steps to Inspiring Him To Say Sweet Things to You

When you were dating, your husband probably wooed you with words.

He most likely told you how great you looked, or how nice you are, and that he found himself thinking about you at work.

Maybe he said he thought you were so sexy it was distracting, and that he loved your beautiful smile, and that he liked you better than anyone he’d ever dated.

Then he even said he thought you were so much smarter than the average bear, and that he liked your sense of style, your humor, or the way you smelled.

But your man hasn’t said any of those things for a long time. And you’re starving to hear praise from him.

Here are 3 simple steps to inspire him to compliment you again.
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1. Stop Lying About How Your Husband Never Compliments You

Okay, so that was a little harsh just now when I accused you of lying about your husband never complimenting you.

What I was trying to say is that never is a long time. It’s very hard for anybody to live up to.

That’s why I suspect you’re exaggerating when you say that he never compliments you.

Maybe what you mean to say is that he rarely compliments you, and like me, you sometimes use hyperbole.

Here’s why I’m picking apart the semantics: it says something about what you’re focused on.

That’s significant, because what you focus on increases.

If your focus is that he never compliments you, then every time he doesn’t, that reinforces your belief that he never does and probably never will—which feels awful.

I know rarely doesn’t sound much better than never, but if he rarely compliments you, that means he sometimes compliments you.

If he sometimes compliments you, and what you want is more of that, why not focus on those times and see what happens?

If that doesn’t seem logical, consider all the times you’ve noticed so many people driving the same car as you right after you got that car, when you never noticed them before.

The only difference was what you were focused on.

2. Catch Him Doing Something Good

That first step, focusing on when he compliments you, is critical because without it, you won’t be able to do this next step, which is to catch him in the act of complimenting you and go bananas with happiness about it.

Instead of complaining that he doesn’t compliment you enough, which is not very inspiring, wait for him to do the very thing you want him to do more of, and then pounce on him with appreciation and happiness.

Here’s what I mean.

Let’s say you made—or let’s say just bought and heated up—soup. And let’s assume further that your husband says, “This is pretty good soup.”

That’s kind of like a compliment, right?

That is your big chance to smile, let him know you are happy to hear that, and that you appreciate the compliment.

See what just happened there?

You gave him positive reinforcement that him giving you a compliment makes you happy, and since he feels good when he makes you happy, that’s going to inspire him to compliment you more.

You might be thinking, “But that’s not the kind of compliment I want him to give me!”

It’s true that’s not a very personal or special compliment. But if he sees that he can delight you when he talks about the soup, he’s going to look for more and better ways to say things that make you happy.

You may have been thinking the opposite—that you should withhold your appreciation until he says that you’re the most beautiful woman in the world, or that he’s so glad he’s married to you, or that he can’t live without you.

I know! I thought the same thing. I thought the way to teach people what I wanted from them was to let them know I wasn’t happy until they got it right.

Turns out that doesn’t work. That’s not inspiring. At all.

But catching him doing something good? It’s surprisingly effective in teaching others how to treat you, which we are all doing all the time.

3. Receive Graciously

In step 2, besides explaining how you can catch him doing something good, I also described what it looks like to receive graciously, which is absolutely vital for turning the clock back to when your man couldn’t shut up about how wonderful you are.

No compliments will be forthcoming until you practice this Intimacy Skill (one of six), which is the essence of femininity and will also make you 10X more attractive.

It doesn’t matter if you’ve been out of practice for a while. You can start receiving graciously right now. He’ll get the message that you’re open to letting him delight you again when he sees you smiling and saying, “Thank you.”

Truth be told, he’s been waiting for his opportunity to make you happy again, and following these 3 steps will help him see his chance to do that by telling you how nice you are and how lucky he is to have you.

The post My Husband Never Compliments Me appeared first on Laura Doyle.

Marriage and Finances

What I Learned about Financial Intimacy When We Were Broke

If only getting married made your finances as cinchy as economists make it seem like they’re gonna be.

Sharing the rent or mortgage, the grocery bills and utilities saves so much money, there should be less financial strain on you both–not more.

And study after study shows that married couples are at the top of the financial heap for net worth and earning.

But even though we have more than our unmarried counterparts, somehow husbands and wives fight about money more than anything else.

My husband and I contributed to that miserable statistic for years.

Fighting about money is not conducive to intimacy, and it wasn’t helpful for our prosperity, either.

Thankfully, I finally learned what I’m about to share with you, and we haven’t had a fight about money at the Doyle house in many years.

Here are 4 simple ways we got closer and richer as a couple:
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1. I focused on what we had (not what we didn’t have)

You might be rolling your eyes right about now and thinking that it must be pretty easy for us to be lovey-dovey when it comes to money because we’re rich.

I agree that we are very rich.

Of course, rich is a subjective term, but I like to say I’m rich every chance I get because I know that what I focus on increases.

I’ve even been training my teenage niece along those lines because it’s been so valuable for me to learn to affirm my wealth instead of affirming lack.

When I take her to lunch, we have a ritual where she calculates the tip and I suggest we round it up to the nearest dollar. Then I ask, “And why do we do that?” And she responds, “Because we’re so rich!”

Then we both smile.

What does that have to do with financial intimacy in marriage?

It’s an example of the practice that leads to having enough—the habit of focusing on what I have, how rich I am.

Before I learned to do that, I was in the unhappy habit of focusing on what I didn’t have and feeling resentful about it.

I’d be mad at my husband and look at the ways that he was causing me not to have the things that I lacked by not making enough and spending too much.

Then I would tell him so, and we fought about that quite a bit.

I caused a lot of NET (Needless Emotional Turmoil) because I was afraid. I was in the habit of choosing my fear over my faith in those moments.

Today, I know what to do when the fear hits: drop and do 10 gratitudes—meaning make a list of the things I’m grateful I have.

And breathe.

Ahhhh. That’s better.

2. I spent frivolous money on myself

One of the reasons I was so quick to get resentful about what my husband was spending or how he wasn’t making enough is because I couldn’t bring myself to spend money on the things I wanted.

I talked myself out of them because they weren’t necessary. I told myself I could get by with what I had and other dreary, martyrish things.

My thinking was that if I had to sacrifice like that, then so did my husband.

I would tell him so.

You can imagine his excitement about that idea.

No wonder I was focused on how much we didn’t have. I couldn’t let myself buy any of it!

It was many years ago, but I still remember the utter thrill and discomfort I felt when I first hired someone to clean our house.

It wasn’t a reasonable financial decision, given all the debt we had and the savings we didn’t have. That was the terrifying part.

I was pretty sure I should have just sucked it up and cleaned the house myself. It seemed like it was supposed to be my job.

But it made me feel like the richest woman in the world to have a clean house without having to scrub the toilet or dust the bookshelves myself.

It wasn’t easy, but I chose my faith over my fear in spending what little money we had at that time on the housekeeper, and I was amazed to learn just how much romance there is in a house with clean toilets and dusted bookshelves.

I also discovered that feeling rich and being rich are the same thing.

3. I joined with him financially

One man told me that the benefit of keeping separate accounts when you’re married is so you can buy a present for the other person without them knowing how much you spent, or having it come out of their own bank account.

I can see why he feels that way, but for me, wanting to have separate bank accounts was more about fear that I couldn’t rely on my husband.

I wanted to be able to put my hands on money in case I needed something important…like a divorce lawyer.

In other words, I wasn’t all in. I was sitting on a pointy, uncomfortable fence.

And my husband knew that I didn’t trust him. And that made him feel bad.

Who wouldn’t, right?

Feeling that your wife doesn’t trust you is not great for your self-worth.

It’s not good for your net worth either.

I wanted to have faith.

But faith without action is dead.

When I finally became willing to join with him financially (no hold-out accounts or credit cards), our intimacy and our bank account both grew.

4. I gave my husband financial authority

Speaking of not trusting my husband, I also was sure I was smarter than he was with money.

I didn’t think he could handle all the juggling that had to be done with the bills, especially since there never seemed to enough, and it took all kinds of scheming to keep the wolf away from the door.

But I was also exhausted with trying to do it myself, and he never seemed to be paying attention when I was telling him about how I’d paid half of the electric bill so I could make a minimum payment on a credit card.

Of course he wasn’t listening. Who would? I was just monologuing and not asking for his input.

It wasn’t until I handed over the finances and acted like I had faith that he could handle them that he started giving the situation his best thinking.

And his best thinking led to significant financial abundance that we hadn’t experienced before.

He started his own business.

Our income more than doubled.

And I got to stop worrying about him ordering something too expensive on the menu when we went out.

That was an embarrassing habit of mine when I was juggling the bills, and it was not conducive to intimacy.

Letting my husband pay the bill when we went out without worrying about how much it cost was just what we did when we first fell in love.

The post Marriage and Finances appeared first on Laura Doyle.

When You’re Past the Point of Fixing

The Truth About Your Breaking Point

I’ve had the privilege of sitting down with lots of women over the years and hearing their stories.

While I love learning who they are, where they’re from, and what’s going on in their life and relationship–the truth is I often meet them when they think they’re past the point of fixing. I’m often the last stop.

“I think it’s over.”

“There’s too much damage.”

“I don’t know how to fix this.”

“I don’t know how to fix ME.”

The best part of what I do is getting to share good news: That this is just the breakdown before the breakthrough.

The breaking point is often the biggest turning point.
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You may think there’s no redemption possible or there’s nothing more you can do.

I’ve been there, too.

I’m thankful, however, to be able to look back on those moments and see the intense amount of growth that’s happened as a result.

I’m thankful for people who have pushed me to believe that change is possible–change in myself and change in my husband.

And, that’s why I love what I do.

The truth about the breaking point is you’re finally at a spot to say, “Something’s not working.”

Just admitting that the situation is broken and you can’t fix it alone is HUGE!

From there, you can discover your surrendered and empowered self. You can take new action that you’ve never tried before, and that’s how you get the results you’ve never gotten before.

I want to introduce you to Stefanie and Sheila, who attended our Cherished for Life Weekend last year. I sat down and asked them about their experience of the weekend–what they learned, what they gained, what they’d tell other women.

They describe the breakthroughs they had from being at the Weekend here:

Your breaking point can be the beginning of your breakthrough.

I’d love for you to join my coaches and me at the Cherished for Life Weekend so you can have your breakthrough, too.

It’s happening so soon–on September 23rd-25th in Costa Mesa, California. You can read all the details and save your seat (only 14 left!) HERE.

Let’s keep chatting about the hope you have and getting the results you’ve never had before! There’s so much more to say, and I’d love for you to join me on Facebook Live September 13th at 7PM Pacific/10PM Eastern! I can’t wait to see you there.

The post When You’re Past the Point of Fixing appeared first on Laura Doyle.

My Husband is a Workaholic

How to Get More Couple Time with a Man Who Works Too Much

It’s lonely to be married to a workaholic.

If he’s not at work, he’s sleeping or working from home.

Or he’s too tired from working so much to be much fun.

He neglects not just you, but also the kids.

You feel like a single mom going to get-togethers without him, always for the same, tired reason: he has to work.

If only you could get him to spend more time with the family.

Well, you can.

Here are 4 ways to inspire a workaholic to linger and lounge with you.
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1. Be Happy to See Him

It can be hard to get happy when he’s home well after dinner and the kids are in bed—again!

But if he comes home and your face is sour and the air is thick, it’s not going to inspire him to want to come home earlier the next night.

Quite the opposite.

Imagine he’s getting affirmed and respected at work for his accomplishments, and then when he comes home, he’s in the doghouse.

Where will he want to spend more time?

Exactly.

I know you want him to come home earlier, and being happy to see him at 11 p.m. when you want him to come home at 6 p.m. seems counterintuitive.

But if you smile when he walks through the door and he knows you are happy to see him, he’ll associate being home with feeling good.

That will inspire him to be more efficient at work so he can be home more.

You may not be convinced about that, I realize.

But if the approach you’re using now isn’t working, what could it hurt to experiment and see what happens?

2. Make Him Feel Successful as a Husband

Let’s say your husband mostly feels competent, capable and appreciated at work. Let’s suppose he feels respected there.

How does that compare to how he feels at home?

If you’re anything like I was and you remind him he’s not keeping up on getting the trash out, or question the way he handled that incident with his mom, or let him know you’re not happy with having to do everything…that leaves him feeling profoundly disrespected.

And for husbands, feeling disrespected feels the same as being unloved.

Feeling unloved is something most people try to avoid.

Therefore, consider learning how to be respectful and then putting your attention on your own happiness.

I know that sounds nutty and maybe even selfish, but it turns out the way to make a husband feel successful is to make yourself happy.

Otherwise, how will you be able to do #1 above?

To start, think about what’s gratifying, frivolous fun for you.

Now, go do it.

He’ll pick up on the happy vibes, and they will be like a magnet to steel.

He may even do what Patty’s always-working husband did when she started making herself happy and he saw her smiling so much more: leave work early and take you on a picnic.

3. Make Him Feel Successful as a Dad

It’s agonizing to see your kids missing their dad, and that makes you want to tell him about how much he’s missing and how hard it is for them.

But once again, the focus is on his shortcomings, and not the fact that he’s keeping everyone in Pokemon and Disney movies.

Even if you work too, his work is contributing to the family’s standard of living, and it helps to acknowledge and appreciate that.

Plus, he probably does SOME things as a dad that you could also be focusing on. I know it’s not as much as you want, but if he has ever helped with homework, he could be considered the homework hero, for example.

Maybe that feels like a stretch.

But why wouldn’t you stretch to reach if it would give your kids that home-court advantage you’re longing for them to have?

Make a Spouse-Fulfilling Prophecy that he’s a good dad and watch him live up to your words and come home more to be that dad you see in him.

4. Honor Your Desires

You may think your husband already knows what you want, and he’s just choosing work above spending time with you anyway.

But consider the possibility that he doesn’t know what you want.

Not enough to make it so.

Yes, he knows that you’re unhappy that he’s always working or exhausted.

But that doesn’t give him the vital information he needs to make you happy. That just tells him what you’re upset about.

Complaining is not the same as expressing a desire that he could fulfill, which would give him the chance to be your hero.

Let’s say he did come home from work at a normal time. Would that make you happy?

I know it would be one thing off your checklist of things you’re not happy about. And you might feel less lonely, for sure.

But would you be truly happy?

Of course it seems like you would, but that’s why it’s such an interesting question. Is that what’s standing between you and happiness?

Because, as you already know, your happiness doesn’t depend on anyone else.

It depends on how much you honor your desires.

Your happiness depends on how much you let yourself wade into the waves at the beach, or get out the paint and easel even though it’s messy, or listen to your favorite music.

If you knew what you wanted and you told your husband, and he saw that he had a chance of making you happy, that could very well draw him home–no matter what’s going on at work.

Marta’s husband had been a workaholic for their entire 15-year marriage, and although she said she was used to it herself, it broke her heart that the kids never saw their dad.

She told me it was unlikely that he would ever change, but she decided to do the things I recommend in this blog anyway.

She started to be happy to see him when he came home from work, no matter how late it was when he came through that door.

Isn’t that what people who love each other do?

As she got happy to see him, he got happy to see her. And because coming home was so pleasant, he started coming home earlier. They were even eating dinner together most nights.

Then, something amazing happened.

Her husband decided to change jobs to find one that would allow him to spend more time with his family.

That was pretty shocking to Marta, and wonderful–but there’s more.

As long as he was changing jobs, Marta’s husband decided to take the opportunity to take six weeks off between jobs.

Guess what he wanted to do with those six weeks?

He wanted to spend it with his family.

Your workaholic guy will also respond to you differently when you go back to being the happy, respectful, pleasable wife you once were.

The post My Husband is a Workaholic appeared first on Laura Doyle.

Confessions Of A Former Control Freak

How I Kicked The Habit (Mostly) For Good
By Courtney Elder

The Not-So-Pleasant Past

I remember it like it was yesterday.

I was rushing around the house, trying to get ready for work. The baby was asleep, my husband was asleep, and it looked like a bomb had gone off in the house.

So basically, it was a normal day.

However, on this particular morning, I was so frustrated with the state of our home that I decided to do something about it.

There are so many things I could have done: left a sweet note, actually cleaned up part of the house myself, or expressed a desire for a house-cleaner.

But instead, in a fit of rage, I took the Xbox controllers to work with me–in the trunk of my car.

That was obviously the wrong thing to do. But here’s why it seemed like a good idea at the time: since my husband was a stay-at-home dad, it made sense to me that he was also the house-cleaner. So when I saw what I thought was Xbox taking over his life, I figured that taking the controllers with me was the way to get him to clean.

If he can’t play video games, he won’t have anything else to do, and that will motivate him to get the house into tip-top-shape, I reasoned.

I couldn’t have been more wrong.

The house did not get any cleaner. But my marriage did get more tense and stressful.

I Decided To Try A New Way

The story of the Xbox controllers is just one of many ways I exercised complete control over my husband.

From taking his debit card to complaining about what he wore, I was your typical controlling wife.

After six years of marriage, it wasn’t working anymore.

My controlling ways had put a huge wall between us, and the man I was once gaga for now felt like my roommate. It was painful and tedious.

Everything changed for me when I found Laura Doyle’s work and I decided to try The Six Intimacy Skills for myself.

I remember reading her books and feeling like it was nearly impossible for me to make such dramatic changes to the way I thought, spoke, and acted.

But, I wanted a happier marriage and a happier life. I was willing to give it a shot.

Of the six skills, relinquishing control was definitely the hardest one for me to tackle.

I’m a self-professed neat freak who loves to organize and schedule. When things didn’t look the way I wanted them to, my default reaction was to blame others or try to get them to do things my way and in my time.

So instead of telling my husband what to do, I tried the concept of duct tape. Every time I wanted to chime in about what he should do or when he should do it, I reminded myself to slap on the tape and keep my thoughts to myself.

I’ve never been so quiet in my life!

But what came of it was remarkable; by being quiet, I gave myself the room to actually consider my thoughts before blurting them out.

I had time to dig deeper into what I was being controlling about–like why I thought it was so important that my house be neat and clean at any given moment.

And why was I so hell-bent on berating my husband if he didn’t do as good of a job as I thought he had time for?

Deeper Realizations Came Rushing At Me

Laura teaches that we control things when we are afraid.

While I couldn’t quite grasp that concept at first, the more I used duct tape and allowed myself room to think, the more I got in touch with my feelings of fear.

I was afraid that if my husband didn’t clean the house just right, that I was going to be perceived as a terrible wife/mother/human being.

I so strongly tied my self-worth with the outside appearance of my life that I was creating huge problems where there didn’t need to be.

Gradually, I let go of control.

Gone were the cleaning schedules and the “little reminders” that I thought were oh-so-helpful.
Instead, I learned to let my inner Goddess of Fun and Light come out, and actually looked forward to coming home at night after work.

The more I practiced relinquishing control, the more I learned that the world wouldn’t fall apart if things didn’t go according to my plans.

I grew to enjoy my kid’s company a lot more than I previously had.

I began to see my husband for the intelligent adult that he truly is, and not the overgrown man-child I always made him out to be.

Some amazing things have happened in my life as a result of relinquishing control over my husband.

He bought us our first home when I thought we’d never be able to afford it, all because I trusted him.

I’ve been able to get back in touch with my passion for writing because of the support my husband has shown me.

Never would I have gotten that support from him if I was still nagging him on a daily basis to do the chores.

I’m happier. I feel more peace and contentment than I ever have before.

That’s not to say I get it right every time, though.

Just the other day, I found myself asking all kinds of questions relating to his work schedule. Eventually, after feeling frustrated with his answers, I came clean.

I admitted that I was afraid we were going to have a hard time financially if he didn’t work very much. I also apologized for being controlling, and admitted that my fear was causing me to be that way.

Thankfully, I married an amazing man who instantly acknowledged my fear and assured me that things were going to be fine.

If nothing else, that’s the biggest takeaway for me when it comes to relinquishing control. No matter how stressed or frenzied I feel, I can remind myself that it will be ok–that it’s already ok.

Even if my husband plays Xbox every now and then.

The post Confessions Of A Former Control Freak appeared first on Laura Doyle.

My Husband Doesn’t Love Me

3 Secrets That Can Quickly Turn the Breakdown into a Breakthrough

When your husband actually says the words, “I don’t love you,” the hurt comes in waves.

First, there’s shock and bewilderment.

Your mind races with questions. How did this happen? How long has he felt this way?

Then there’s terror. What does this mean for our future? For our marriage? For our kids?

Then there’s deep, deep hurt.

He doesn’t love you. Does it mean you’re unlovable?

Making that immense pain stop becomes your imperative.

You feel the urge to protect yourself with aloofness or insults. It’s just human nature.

Flinging some hurtful arrows his way seems not only justified, but necessary.

But the words, “I don’t love you,” can be the breakdown before the breakthrough.
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They can be the gateway to a marriage that exceeds your imagination, where you feel as loved and connected as you did when you were first dating.

And you can have all of that with the guy who just said he didn’t love you, or is acting like he doesn’t.

Here are 3 secrets for getting from here to there:

1. What He’s Really Saying is, “I Don’t Feel Respected. I Haven’t for a Long Time.”

I know he’s saying he doesn’t love you, but it’s not true. He does love you.

When he committed to you for life above all others, it was because he was crazy about you, and that doesn’t just stop. But it can definitely be obscured when he has been without oxygen for a long time.

And when I say oxygen, I mean respect.

The problem is, if you try to reason with him or point out that he’s not being rational, he will feel further disrespected.

That’s like slapping his back when he’s badly sunburned.

If you beg and cry, that’s a reminder of a huge pain point: he hasn’t felt like he could make you happy. Here you are, crying some more, driving that point home.

You’ve probably already tried both of those responses.

That’s okay. That’s just human. You didn’t know he had a terrible sunburn.

But you’ll want to stop slapping him on the back as soon as you can and instead learn what respect looks like to him and treat him that way.

No one ever showed you what respect looks like before, so how were you supposed to know?

But that ends today, right now.

2. He’s Not Saying it to Punish or Hurt You

When your husband says something as hurtful as, “I don’t love you,” it’s tempting to think that he’s purposely being a mean jerk. It’s human nature to personalize it and make it about you.

But that’s simply not what’s happening.

Of course it hurts, I get that. It feels awful.

But consider that if someone cuts you off in traffic, that’s also upsetting. It can make you angry. You might think the driver is also a mean jerk.

But that driver isn’t trying to hurt you at all. He just forgot to check his blind spot or was about to miss the exit.

He had no intention of punishing you. He didn’t plot to get up in the morning and be at that spot where you were so he could make you slam on the breaks.

Granted, a conversation about love between a husband and wife is much more personal.

But in some ways it’s no different. He’s just hurting and trying to get what he needs—not trying to get you to suffer.

He’s not his best self right now. People need love the most when they deserve it the least.

He’s sounding the alarm that something is very wrong. He’s telling you there’s a big breakdown.

Instead of hearing there’s something wrong with you, or something wrong with him, consider just hearing that there’s an urgent situation that needs to be addressed.

It’s going to take your best efforts to solve it, but it is solvable.

Here’s what you need to know to solve it…

3. Respect is a Decision, Just Like Love

I used to think of respect as something that was earned, and after seeing my husband screw up a number of times, I just didn’t see how I could be respectful!

But if you flip that around and think about your husband withdrawing his love because you weren’t perfect, it sounds pretty unreasonable and harsh.

Just as you want to be loved even if you overspend or gain weight—because you are still lovable, of course–you could decide to treat your husband respectfully even if he doesn’t seem to deserve it.

When you do treat him respectfully, it’s going to feel very strange if you’ve been out of the habit. At least, it did for me.

It felt scary and false.

But it was like a miracle cure for all that was ailing in my marriage. I see that happen for the women I work with, too.

It just takes a little while to get the hang of what it looks like, and then it also takes a little while for him to get the memo that he’s safe with you—that he can get oxygen when he’s with you.

It’s not too late when he says he doesn’t love you. It’s not hopeless.

If anything, I see marriages turn around from this painful conversation so often that I tend to think of it as the beginning of the breakthrough.

You can choose how the story ends

You may think it’s up to him, that you don’t have the power, and it’s true you can’t control what he’s going to do.

But you have more power than you think, because when you restore the respect, his feelings of love re-emerge too, as strong as ever.

Crisis and opportunity travel together. His hurtful words are opportunity knocking, telling you there’s a chance to grow and be happier.

How will you answer?

The post My Husband Doesn’t Love Me appeared first on Laura Doyle.

How to Stop Being Insecure

6 Shortcuts to Becoming Unshakably Confident

Struggling in your love life robs you of confidence.

Whether you’re single and wish you were happily coupled, or you’re in a relationship that’s hurting, you start to wonder if you’re defective.

You torture yourself with comparisons to other women who are younger, thinner or shapelier. You may even attack yourself and your looks with harsh criticism.

You fear that you’re never going to be loved the way you want to be, or be able to shut off the fears in your head about how love is a competition that you’re losing.

Self-doubt creeps in and camps out in your head.

Whether you’ve been cheated on or fear you will be, that insecurity is like a compulsion that’s hard to shake, especially when other people tell you to, “Just believe in yourself!” or, “Believe you’re worth it!” or, “Just be yourself!”

How in the world do you do that, anyway?

Here are 6 specific ways to become secure and confident.
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1. Choose The Outcome You Want

Focusing on the words that describe what I want instead of what I don’t want has improved my feeling of inner strength immeasurably.

Let’s take the name of this blog as an example.

So many women have written to me asking how they can “stop feeling insecure” that I wanted to write on that topic.

But this blog’s title doesn’t sit well with me because “Stop Being Insecure” is focusing on insecurity, which is not what anybody wants.

What we all want is to feel more secure. So a much better title would be, “How to Be Secure and Confident,” for example.

See the difference?

Saying to yourself, “I don’t want him to cheat on me,” is focusing on what you don’t want. What you focus on increases. Saying, “I want to be trusting,” is focusing on what you want.

Wanting to make sure the kids don’t hurt themselves becomes wanting the kids to be safe and healthy.

Not wanting to gain weight becomes wanting to stay fit.

You get the idea.

2. Master Something You Love

Marie’s husband had an affair and told her he was leaving her.

Her worst fear came to life.

Instead of resigning herself to a divorce, she committed to becoming her best, happiest self, including doing things she loved to make herself happy.

That meant getting out her paints and easel again. It meant exhibiting her paintings. It meant putting herself up for critique and feedback so she could improve.

Marie described it as massive self-care that brought her both joy and a sense of mastery. That gave her inner strength.

Painting occupied her mind with brush techniques and color combinations instead of self-pity and fear of the future.

Being good at something gives you confidence.

The impact on her relationship was that her confidence showed, which made her more attractive–and her husband noticed. Some of their first communication after he left was him wishing her well on her exhibits, then coming to see her art for himself.

That was the beginning of their reconciliation–all because she was painting again and feeling good about it.

Instead of telling yourself to stop being a certain way, taking small steps toward becoming good at something you love gives you a happy distraction to focus on.

3. Ask Yourself These Questions

One of the hallmarks of insecurity is wondering what someone else thinks of you–whether he likes you or thinks you’re fat or that you just said something stupid.

Of course, we all do that at times.

But here’s what confident people do that’s completely different: instead of wondering what someone else is thinking, they ask questions about themselves.

My favorite two questions to ask myself are, “How do I feel?” and, “What do I want?”

So let’s say you’ve started wondering if someone is getting irritated with you or is upset about something you did, as often happens when you’re feeling insecure.

In the moment you find yourself wondering what someone else is wanting or feeling, turn your attention to yourself and inquire there instead.

One woman was tired of trying to get her husband to snap out of his bad mood. It never worked, anyway.

So when he came home grumpy again, she asked herself how she felt and what she wanted, and wandered off to the backyard to do some gardening, leaving him to grumble to himself.

She was singing to herself when, much to her surprise, her husband came out to join her with his gardening gloves.

4. Receive Gifts, Compliments and Help

I explain all about receiving here, and it’s the fastest way I know to become more confident and self-assured, as well as 10X more attractive.

It’s simple, but can be challenging to do. With practice, it gets easier and even habit-forming.

5. Know Your Limits

Growing up, I learned that nice people were loved, and that the way to be a nice person was to do things for others.

The more I did things for others, the more they would love me, was my understanding.

Of course, that didn’t work.

For one thing, I was already loveable before I did anything for anybody. I overlooked that reality in my search for ways to make sure I had earned enough points to avoid being abandoned.

Another reason it didn’t make me loveable is that I quickly got overwhelmed and resentful of the very people I wanted love from.

I would crash full-speed into my own energy limits in the process, still paddling as hard as could and end up hating pretty much everybody.

I’d be full of rage, acting horribly to loved ones and unlucky bank tellers I didn’t even know.

Then, after behaving so badly, I’d feel terrified that I’d be abandoned and alone.

After all, who would want to live with someone who flips her lid like that?

It was awful.

Fortunately, I don’t do that anymore. Phew!

I describe how I permanently cured my rageoholism here.

The phrase that’s helped me not get overwhelmed and therefore resentful–and therefore, rageful–is, “I can’t.”

It sounded strange at first because it seemed like the opposite of what I was encouraged to say growing up. The mantra I learned was, “I can do anything!”

Which may be true, but only until I’m tired or overwhelmed. Then, I can’t do much of anything and still be pleasant, which I value.

Just knowing I can say, “I can’t,” when someone wants me to work a little harder, stay later, drive further or get up earlier has added so much to my confidence because it helps me keep my cool and my dignity.

Being dignified sure makes me feel secure. It’s much more attractive to be around myself.

I love myself more, and isn’t that what we always hear self-confidence is about—loving yourself?

To be more confident, consider using the phrase, “I can’t,” next time you know you’re about to get stretched beyond your limits.

6. Speak to Yourself Like You Speak to Your Friend

There’s an expression that it’s better to have 100 enemies outside the tent than one inside the tent.

When you start belittling and criticizing yourself, you become the enemy in your own tent.

If you start to notice harsh comments for yourself rattling around in your head, ask yourself if it’s something you would say to a friend.

Would you call your friend an idiot? Would you tell her that her outfit is a mess? Would you tell her she blew it and never gets things right? Or even that she’s clumsy?

Of course not.

You’re a nice person, and that would be unkind. All that harshness would make your friend feel bad. You wouldn’t want her to feel bad.

It makes you feel pretty bad, too, if you’re talking to yourself that way.

Therefore, consider giving yourself the same kindness you would give a friend.

Picture your BFF and imagine yourself saying to her the critical things you’re saying to yourself.

If your self-talk doesn’t pass the “friend test,” consider re-wording the message to yourself so that it does match your standards for her.

Say what you mean, but don’t say it mean–even to yourself.

Because a confident person is more likely to talk herself up than to cut herself down.

And just making that’s one of your habits is likely to make you feel so much more secure.

The post How to Stop Being Insecure appeared first on Laura Doyle.

Mom Acts Like 3-Year-Old and Gets What She Wants

By Stefanie Herron, Laura Doyle Certified Coach

I love eavesdropping on my three year old and his cousin. She’s four, so naturally, she assumes a position of superiority. Here’s one of their conversations:

4 year old: “You have to do whatever I say, okay?”
3 year old: “But I don’t want to!”

[Copious screaming ensues.]

I don’t blame him. That’s exactly how I feel when someone tells me what to do.

For example, my mother innocently suggested that I drive safely as I was leaving the house with my toddler. Now, I didn’t take to the streets like Evel Knievel, but I did notice a little demon prodding me to drive however I darn well pleased.

Another mother in the family (notice a pattern?) “asked” me five times to hold the mail while I was packing for a trip.

The hold-mail form got submitted none the quicker, as my demon fumed that I should put it off until I darn well pleased.

Maybe I’m just a defiant girl. In most regards, however, I’m quite the rule follower.

I read the instructions.

I file my taxes with cash-register honesty.

I obey traffic laws (well, most of them).

Perhaps others enjoy taking orders. Unfortunately, my husband is not among them.

If only he would do things the right way (i.e., my way), I used to think, then our marriage would be great!

The more I insisted on the “right” way for my husband to eat, heed recycling guidelines, discipline the children, cook for me, put his shoes away, fix the pipes, argue with me (can I stop now?), the more my husband seemed to have a demon, too.

The nerve of him doing things his way! Most days, I figured he was incompetent; on good days, I was just smarter than him. I got so frustrated by his inability to carry out simple tasks that I decided to do everything myself—then resent him for it.

The turning point came when I learned three magic words from Laura Doyle: “Whatever you think.”

Ironically, when I quit telling him what to do and how to do it, he seemed keenly interested in my way. He asked me questions to the tune of our old dance: “What pan should I use?” “How much should I tip?” “What should I eat?”

I didn’t have to think too hard to figure things out for him because these questions were now easy to answer: “Whatever you think!” “Whatever you think!” “Whatever you think!”

Lest I sound like a broken record, my man does ask me questions besides just the ones that summon the ghost of my controlling past.

When he asks something that actually concerns me, such as what I want to do, I tell him.

I had no idea there existed such an effective system for getting what I want: saying what I want!

I love how easy my three-year-old makes it look. He pauses to consider his choices, then proclaims, “I want this marker. I don’t want this one.” Unwaveringly. Unapologetically.

In my experience, however, following his example is easier said than done, especially since I had the “I want” trained out of me as a child. It was rude to say those words, maybe even to think them. The safest route to being a good girl was self-denial, or not wanting anything at all. When the wants got squashed down, without anywhere to go, they started to come out sideways.

So, I’d politely hint–or just expect my husband to read my mind, then feel out of sorts when he didn’t know how to please me, even though half the time I didn’t know what I wanted myself!

Now that I’ve learned to express my desires and stay on my side of the street, it does drive him crazy sometimes. He’ll come to me with two shirts in his hands and an earnest look on his face, asking me which to wear. (You guessed it: “Whatever you think!”)

“No, I really want your opinion,” he bellows.

“I trust you to make that decision,” I confirm.

For many women I work with, this is going too far. “Yeah, but he asked you,” they object.

Yeah, but I spent enough years telling him what to wear, buying him wife-approved clothing, and hiding clothes I didn’t like. (Okay, I admit my demon buried his polyester golf shirts in the bottom of the pile, even post-surrendering.)

If this level of relinquishing control seems extreme, well, I needed an extreme course correction to get back on—and stay on—my side of the street.

Sadly, he’d gotten used to my being his mother.

As annoying as it must have been, it came with certain perks. He could rest easy knowing I’d take care of making decisions for him.

But it was not a sexy look for me.

I had no idea how disrespectful I was being by not trusting his thinking or accepting his way of doing things. Fortunately, I’m surrounded by teachers (and gifted with a knack for seeing in others what I’m blind to about myself).

I thought I was the only control freak around here, but apparently, it runs in the family. When I’m at the receiving end of the control dynamic, I finally understand how it feels.

All those “helpful” reminders only remind me that I must seem incapable of handling my own trip preparations or summoning the maternal instinct to drive safely.

I know I’m making this all sound easy. And it is—eventually. It just takes plenty of practice to get there.

Luckily, I have the support of other coaches to help me implement The Six Intimacy Skills™.

In the meantime, it’s simple, but definitely not easy.

Just “stay on my paper,” in Laura Doyle speak, the way I kept my eyes on my own paper in school.

A complication does arise when what’s on his paper is on mine too, like his driving or raising our children.

In those cases, I ask myself, “Can I control it? If so, is it worth the intimacy it would cost?”

I can’t control his driving, but fortunately he’s a good driver (and lost the cowbell he used to play while driving to salsa music).

Saying, “Whatever you think,”—or, harder yet, nothing at all—about the kids, however, has led to them going to bed wearing polyester or a shirt on backwards, I confess.

Oh, the horror! (Please don’t tell my mom.)

Somehow, they survived it, though.

The real magic of those three little words is that my demon can put down his pitchfork, leaving me free and serene.

I hope to channel my inner three-year-old in his place by relearning some other crucial words: “I want, I want, I want!”
 

The post Mom Acts Like 3-Year-Old and Gets What She Wants appeared first on Laura Doyle.

Effects of Divorce on Children

5 Ways to Protect Your Kids from the Nastiness and Heartbreak

You don’t need me to tell you how hard divorce is on your kids.

You already know, and it’s absolutely no help to your little people for you to be curled into a shame ball about how it might hurt their confidence, learning and social development.

You getting stuck in shame isn’t going to make your family happy again, or protect your kids from the effects of seeing the two most important people in their world fighting and distant.

So by the power vested in me as a woman who has spent her fair share of time curled into a shame ball over screwing up her marriage, I hereby absolve you of all that embarrassment.

You’re doing the best you can under the circumstances, and clearly you love your kids, or you wouldn’t be reading this blog.

You’re a good mom doing your best for them.

You probably left your marriage at least partly because you thought it was best for your kids.

Here’s something important to think about: there are things you can do to ease your kids’ transition, to save them additional heartbreak.

Here are 5 ways to protect your kids from the fallout of divorce:
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1. Find the Hero in Your Ex-Husband

Your ex or soon-to-be-ex-husband has a lot of faults, clearly. But the good news is that he also has good qualities. You wouldn’t have married him otherwise.

You haven’t seen those good qualities in a long time, probably, but nobody is all black-or-white. We all have shades of gray.

One woman was telling me what a completely worthless idiot her ex-husband was.

She also mentioned that he was a school principal who speaks three languages.

We’re talking about the same guy.

In other words, he’s probably not a complete idiot.

She was telling herself he was an idiot because she had experienced him doing things that seemed idiotic, and focusing on that helped her feel less ashamed and more justified about becoming a single mom.

That’s just human nature.

But clinging to that view of her ex-husband meant she was also stuck trying to negotiate kid stuff with a worthless idiot instead of a competent, well-educated professional who’s capable of running a whole school full of kids.

When she made a decision to find the good qualifies in her ex-husband, he started to seem a lot more capable and helpful.

She even started calling him the homework hero, and her ex stepped into that role.

Her daughter went from failing her tests to getting 100% on them.

It’s tempting to make your ex wrong, but consider asking yourself what is right about him?

What qualities about your ex would it serve you to focus on?

2. Expect the Best Outcome

Of course you’re worried about your kids keeping up at school and losing self-esteem.

It breaks your heart to see them crying about the loss of their family unit. You’re going to feel afraid for them.

When you feel that way, you have a choice: indulge the fear and focus on it, or choose to expect the best outcome.

You’re going to feel like you can’t help but worry about them, but what you focus on increases. If you focus on how they’re struggling at school, guess what will increase?

There’s a lot of adjusting going on, but as with your ex, life didn’t just get 100% black.

Look for the bright spots and focus on them. Maybe you can’t afford to send your daughter to gymnastics anymore. But on the bright side, she still gets to be in the school band.

That’s helping her develop skills that will serve her for the rest of her life.

Maybe your son seems sullen and depressed. Focus on and speak of how grateful you are that he has stepped up to help with his younger siblings, and what a good man he’s growing into instead.

This will take some focus at first, since your fear is going to feel bigger and sharper than your faith.

But it’s absolutely in your power to choose what you focus on about your kids, and therefore increase it.

3. Let Your Kids Be Upset

At the same time that you’re focusing on your faith instead of giving in to your fear, your kids are going to have some feelings about what’s happening to them.

Of course they will—it’s a big deal to lose your nuclear family.

You can model choosing your faith over your fear for them too, but don’t forget to give them the space to have their hurt and anger.

If you listen well and empathize by saying, “It is sad that you miss your dad. I can see why you feel that way,” the feeling will rise and naturally subside.

Of course, it’s more challenging to do when their sadness crashes into your guilt or shame.

But this is not about you. It’s about their experience, and you giving them the gift of being heard and understood.

Let it be all about them. You can process your feelings with your support system, but you are the main support for them.

4. Express Your Desires in a Way that Inspires

Men are pretty motivated to make even their ex-wives happy. I know it doesn’t seem like it right now because he’s been such a jerk for so long.

I was reminded about this recently when my dad called, concerned about my mom’s well-being.

They split up for the last time over 30 years ago. He’s been happily remarried for decades.

She’s not his responsibility anymore. But still, he can’t stop himself from wanting to protect her.

And believe me, my dad seemed like a jerk when they were splitting up. Now I can see two sides to that story.

Because you feel like you’re having to negotiate with a selfish jerk, you may be tempted to make demands and fight for what you know you deserve.

You might figure it’s best to just tell your ex how it’s going to be, to use authority or insist.

Instead, consider framing your demands as desires.

Instead of saying, “You’re taking the kids on Saturday because that’s what we agreed!”, which may get his defenses up, consider saying, “I would love to have the day off from the kids on Saturday.”

That way, your ex has the chance to step into taking the kids as a way of making you happy.

Believe it or not, that’s still something he’s motivated to do—to make you happy.

Every peaceful conversation you have with him is a gift of emotional safety to your kids.

True, it would be nice if he’d be the first one to be mature or respectful, but you have the power to make peace by being the bigger person.

The view from the high road is spectacular. And the ride for your children is smoother and safer.

5. Make Your Marriage Worth Saving

Of course, if the marriage isn’t over yet, there’s also the option to give you and your kids the best present of all: parents with a playful, passionate marriage.

I know, it doesn’t seem possible right now.

It might not be. Only you know for sure. You’re the expert on your life.

My marriage didn’t seem salvageable, either. It seemed hard and lonely and unbearable.

I felt like a loser for putting up with it. That’s how miserable it was.

Like you, I tried everything—books, counseling, talking it out, threatening divorce.

It wasn’t until I got the right information that things turned around completely.

Before that, I was struggling because no one ever taught me The Six Intimacy Skills™.

Once I learned them, my marriage got easy and fun again—like it was when we first fell in love.

I’ve seen so many women have miracles in their relationships with The Six Intimacy Skills that I want every woman to have them.

I suffered needlessly, and I don’t want anyone else to. That’s been my mission for 18 years now.

If you’re still married, there’s still hope, even if he left you, even if he has someone else, even if you already filed for divorce.

Maybe you’ll check out The Six Intimacy Skills only because you love your children and want to give them a home court advantage.

Mother love is powerful like that.

Either way, I admire your commitment to protecting your kids.

The world needs mothers like you who want the world for their children.

The post Divorce Impact on Kids appeared first on Laura Doyle.

The 30-Day Relationship Revitalization Plan

From Tense and Distant to Playful and Passionate in one Month

Can a relationship really turn around in just a month when it’s been struggling along or falling apart for years?

It definitely can, but only if the wife gets the right information and applies it. She holds the key.

It won’t help if the husband tries to apply it, and this isn’t for couples.

But any woman can use this 30-day plan to stop the bickering and get back the sizzle.

But what if the husband or boyfriend is the real problem, you might wonder?

I’m glad you brought that up because that’s the beauty of this 30-day plan: He will change too as you implement it, even if he doesn’t know you’re implementing it.

It won’t be hard work, but it will take some focus and energy, like everything in life that’s worthwhile.

Here is the 30-day plan to revitalize your relationship:
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The night before: get plenty of sleep. You’ll want to be well-rested as you begin.

Day 1:

Do something frivolous and fun to make yourself ridiculously happy. Then do something else that you like even more. Then do one more thing that brings you joy. If you can’t stop smiling, you will know you’ve done this step well.

Day 2 – Day 7:

Repeat directions from Day 1. Make a list of all the frivolous, fun things that you like to do.

Day 3:

Notice that your happiness does not depend upon your man and what he does or doesn’t do.

Day 4:

Chat with a woman who gets you–a girlfriend, your sister or your mom. Tell her you’re on Day 4 of a 30-day plan for revitalizing your relationship. Tell her how it’s going so far. Talk about everything in the world.

Day 5:

Get some solitude–even if it’s only for 15 minutes.

Day 6:

Write down the three fun things you did today. Ask yourself how happy you are. If you’re not happy yet, do something else for frivolous fun until you are.

Day 7:

Decline to do something that would be exhausting or make you resentful, even if you feel guilty about not doing it. Say, “I can’t.” Rest up for the happy week ahead.

Day 8:

Be the Goddess of Fun and Light today–for the whole day. Start a disco in the kitchen. Wear sexy shoes or a hat. Smile at your husband. Laugh at his jokes. Sing at the top of your lungs. Have no expectations except to have fun.

Repeat Day 1 instructions every day this week.

Day 9:

Think of something you want to control about your husband—something that bugs you or seems unacceptable to you. Have you thought of it yet? Next time it comes up and he says he’s going to do the very thing that you want to control, say to him, “Whatever you think,” or, “Whatever you think—I trust you.”

After all, you’ve tried telling him not to already and that didn’t work. Why not experiment with showing him you trust his decisions and see what happens?

Day 10:

Spend an hour listening to your husband by saying only, “I hear you,” or, “Uh-huh.” Instead of reacting to what he says, consider just bearing witness. Give him the gift of being heard and understood. Notice how much more he has to say than usual.

Day 11:

Recall something you’ve said to your husband that offended him, and say these words: “I apologize for being disrespectful when I…said you are always grumpy.” Fill in the blank with the thing you said. Notice how he glows when you say those words.

Day 12:

Take stock of everything you appreciate about your husband. Write down at least 10 good qualities.

Day 13:

Read that list of good qualities from yesterday to yourself.

Day 14:

Pick one thing off your list and tell your husband how grateful you are for that one thing.

Day 15:

Repeat Day 1 instructions today and everyday this week. Also, give yourself a gold star for your progress so far. You’re halfway there! What changes have you noticed in yourself? What changes do you notice in your relationship?

Day 16:

Focus on saying, “Thank you,” to all the compliments you get today—not just from your man, but from everyone. No arguing—just smile sweetly and say “thanks.”

Day 17:

Accept all the help that you’re offered—to move the chairs, to take the groceries to the car, to clean up after the party—and accept it graciously even if it feels uncomfortable.

Day 18:

Think of a problem you have that’s not related to your relationship. Say to your man, “Can I borrow your brain? I’m trying to solve this problem…” Let him help you. If his solution isn’t quite what you want, keep saying what you want. See what he has to say.

Day 19:

For the whole day, focus on not interrupting your guy. When he’s speaking, stop what you’re doing, put down your phone and give him your attention. What do you notice that you hadn’t before?

Day 20:

Spend some time contemplating your desires. What do you want? Make a list. Make it long.

Day 21:

Repeat Day 1 instructions today, and for the entire week. Also, take something from your list of desires and say out loud, “I would love…a cup of coffee,” or whatever is true for you.

Day 22:

Think of something you wish your husband was more of, like tidier, more romantic, ambitious, funny, attentive. Just pick one thing. Today, look for evidence that he IS that thing, even if it’s small.

Day 23:

Find more evidence that your guy is the positive thing you want him to be.

Day 24:

Find still more evidence that your man is exceptionally gifted in the quality that you picked on Day 22.

Day 25:

Tell your husband how grateful you are that he’s tidy, romantic, ambitious, funny or attentive, even if it feels like a huge stretch. It’s okay—you have several days’ worth of evidence.

Day 26:

Give your husband three gratitudes for ordinary things that he does—taking out the trash, working hard to support the family or making the coffee. Tell your friend, mom or sister how much you appreciate that he does those things.

Day 27:

Give your husband three more gratitudes. Look for ways you were disrespectful and apologize using the phrase from Day 11.

Day 28:

Repeat the instructions for Day 1, and give your husband three more gratitudes. Express a desire from your list out loud.

Day 29:

Make yourself available for physical intimacy. Send him a flirtatious signal that you’re not expecting—just hoping.

Day 30:

Fill yourself up with frivolous fun and thank your husband for making you ridiculously happy for all these years.

Take stock of how dignified, confident and peaceful you feel.

Repeat as needed to keep your relationship playful, passionate and fun.

The post The 30-Day Relationship Revitalization Plan appeared first on Laura Doyle.

Is There Hope for My Marriage?

5 Questions to Definitively Know Right Now

If you’re asking yourself if there’s hope for your marriage, it means you’re going through a lot of heartache. After all, no one asks that about a marriage that’s full of hand-holding and sweet nothings.

That question only comes up when you’re incredibly hurt and angry, and you’ve been feeling that way for a long time.

Even though it was long ago, I still remember feeling that way, and it was lousy.

I remember thinking there was no way things were going to improve and it was completely hopeless because he was not going to change.

Of course, I was wrong. Things could improve, and they did–beyond my wildest dreams.

And wouldn’t you know it–I was the one who had the power all along, just like Dorothy.

But what about your situation?

Is there hope for your marriage? Here are 5 questions to help you definitively know--right now.
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1. Are you a wife?

If you answered yes to this question, I have great news–hope just scored a point. So far, there is every reason to be optimistic that your marriage can not only be saved, it can become vibrant and happy again.

That’s because women are the keepers of the relationship.

We’re the ones with all the power to make it playful and passionate, or tense and distant. I wouldn’t have believed it myself, but I’ve experienced it and seen it with thousands of other women.

For the first seven years of my marriage, I chose to be tense and distant because I didn’t know any better.

Then, once I learned a thing or two about a thing or two, I started choosing to be playful and passionate all the time. And that’s how it’s been for the last 20 years.

I mean, who wouldn’t set her marriage to “awesome” if she had the choice, right? I just had no idea where that switch was, or that there was such a switch. And that was demoralizing.

I know this may sound absurd, but you also control that switch because you’re a woman. That’s true even if your relationship is in crisis, like a separation, an affair or a pending divorce.

You’re more powerful than you realize. And so far, based on question #1, there is hope for your marriage to be amazing.

Let’s move on to the next question.

2. Is your husband a good guy?

There are some men you aren’t safe with, and safety comes first. If your husband is not one of these three then I have good news: you have a good man!

Not a perfect man, but one you can have a great relationship with.

Really.

Let’s get to question #3.

3. Do you identify with doing any of the things on this top 10 list?

Go check out the list. I’ll wait.

If you relate to some of those behaviors, it’s such good news because that means you’ve just found a major source of conflict and exhaustion in your marriage, which you have all the power to eliminate.

If you’re anything like me, you didn’t realize that you were doing those things.

I thought I was just being helpful. I didn’t realize I was doing major damage to our connection and romance, and therefore to my optimism about the future of my marriage.

But I was. Unwittingly, yes. But it was heartbreaking because it made my husband seem like the biggest jerk, the worst loser-pants, and the least-caring husband on the planet. I even had him assessed for a mental illness and he had one!

I wasn’t surprised. That’s why I thought I had to control everything. Who wouldn’t?

But for now, take heart, because if you answered yes to question #3, there is so much hope for your marriage. For your whole life, really.

Next question:

4. Is this the first time you’ve ever heard of The Six Intimacy Skills™?

Even after I realized that I was contributing to the problem in my relationship–which was shocking–I couldn’t stop wrecking the intimacy between us at first. I just didn’t know how.

Eventually, I figured out a system that helped me stop micro-managing, controlling, complaining and criticizing. And if you decide you want to save your marriage, you can stop those unpleasant habits, too.

If your answer to this question is, “Have I ever heard of the what?!?”, that means you’ve been missing critical, life-changing information: The Six Intimacy Skills, which show you how to naturally attract your man’s time, attention and affection.

One great fringe benefit of practicing the Intimacy Skills is that I like myself a lot better now that I don’t screech with hostility or repeat myself endlessly.

Since no one had ever showed me an alternative to screeching and nagging before, I just did what I saw dear old mom doing…and she’s divorced.

I never even realized that there were Intimacy Skills, or that I needed to know them to have a good relationship. I thought I would just know.

It wouldn’t be your fault if you couldn’t make a good omelet if no one had ever shown you how, right?

If no one ever taught you the Intimacy Skills, then there is a big, bright light at the end of the tunnel now that you’ve found them.

In other words, there’s a world of hope for your situation.

5. Have you been mentally preparing to leave your husband for a while, just in case it comes to that?

If this question is a yes for you, I can sure relate. It’s another hidden reason that your marriage feels so hard right now.

For years I was on the verge of bolting from my marriage, because I thought that’s how I could stay safe. It wasn’t–I was just making it impossible for my marriage to be peaceful and connected.

I didn’t know any better. I thought I should take precautions and plan for the worst. Now I can see how much harm that did.

It made us both defensive because there was always the threat of a divorce hanging over us. Nobody is at their best when they’re defensive.

So one huge improvement to the prospects for my marriage was deciding to go all in. Finally, when that threat of splitting was gone, we could both relax, breath and even laugh together.

You probably didn’t realize that thinking about hitting the eject button was causing so much heartache in your marriage, but it definitely is.

It’s terrifying to know that your spouse might leave you, and if you’re the one who is afraid of getting left, you know just what I’m talking about.

Even if your husband is the one who’s got you scared that your marriage is ending and you answered yes to the questions above, then there’s still a lot of hope for your marriage.

I know what I’m saying is hard to believe. Maybe there are even special circumstances that you worry may make your relationship hopeless–you might worry your situation includes a deal breaker.

I get it. What can I possibly know about your situation? I don’t. You’re the expert on your own life.

But with all the time, heart and energy you’ve already invested in your relationship, I hate to see you end it five minutes before the miracle.

Instead, consider experimenting with The Six Intimacy Skills and make your marriage a glorious success.

The post Is There Hope for My Marriage? appeared first on Laura Doyle.

How I Divorced My Imaginary Husband (and Got the Man of My Dreams)

Could this one habit be blocking a passionate, playful marriage?
By Sarah Ellis

I used to be married to a figment of my imagination.

My imaginary husband was very affectionate. He always greeted me with a huge smile, and hug and a kiss when he walked through the door.

He was very romantic. He bought me flowers and chocolate and prepared candlelit dinners and wrote me love letters to express his devotion to me.

He always knew just the way to comfort me when I was down. He would say, “Honey, I’m so sorry you are feeling this way. What can I do to make you feel better?”

He always offered to clean the kitchen after dinner and never left a mess.

He replaced light bulbs and fixed broken parts as soon as I asked him–or even before I asked him.

He was so punctual and always accompanied me to events, arriving perfectly on time.

He was a spiffy dresser, just like my brother. He never had a stain, and I was always proud of the way he looked.

He was just like my father: really frugal with his money, never buying frivolous things like sweets and sodas and, of course, never feeding that junk to our children.

He always agreed with me and complimented me on my intelligence and ingenuity.

He always knew what to do, and never made mistakes or got us lost.

My imaginary husband was absolutely perfect–just the way I wanted him to be.

Until one day, I made a decision that changed my marriage forever.
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Being married to him was both comfortable and safe, and very painful and lonely at the same time. My days were filled with disappointment because my real flesh-and-bones husband was failing miserably in comparison.

Soon, he stopped trying to measure up.

Then, something wonderful and miraculous happened. I found Laura Doyle and the Intimacy Skills, and then did the best thing I ever did in my life. I DIVORCED my imaginary man.

What I found in his place was the imperfect human being that I chose at the altar and who I committed to respect and love. I opened my heart to the man I had been rejecting for so long.

I threw away all my expectations. He didn’t have to be like my brother, father, uncles, cousins and friends–all those men I fantasized about. He was free to be himself. I embraced him with his strengths and weaknesses.

When he didn’t have the words to comfort me when I was sad, I thanked him for sitting close to me.

When he fed my children sugary treats before lunch, I let him know that our children will cherish the memories.

When he came home from work hungry and tired, I let him know that I missed him (and then got the hug I was longing for).

When we got lost in the car, I used super glue on my lips.

When he wore a ridiculous costume to a party, I focused on all the other silly costumes.

Slowly, my knight in shining armor was back. Now that he has a shot at pleasing me, he showers me with gifts and is always trying to make me happy. Now I really have the man of my dreams.

What I thought was apathetic and lazy, I now see as calm, thoughtful and deliberate.

What I thought was messy and disorganized, I now see as flexible and easygoing.

A man I thought was out-of-touch and flighty is now a man who dreams big and follows his dreams.

A man I thought was uncaring and selfish is now a man scared to disappoint me.

A man I thought was controlling is now a leader with initiative.

What I thought was a damaged husband was actually a damaged wife.

What I thought was an imperfect man is perfect for me!

The post How I Divorced My Imaginary Husband (and Got the Man of My Dreams) appeared first on Laura Doyle.

How I Single-Handedly Saved My Broken Marriage

What I Wish Every Woman Knew About Relationships, But Most Don’t
By Kathy Murray, Senior Relationship Coach

When my second marriage was on the brink of divorce, I tried going to marriage counseling, but that didn’t get my marriage in any better shape.

It didn’t make my husband show interest in me, like I wanted him to.

It didn’t make him discipline the children the way I wanted him to.

It certainly didn’t improve our sex life.

In my desperation, I also read dozens of books about how to be successful in marriage.

Sometimes I couldn’t relate to the author at all. Or I would nod as I read, but still have no idea how to fix those problems I just mentioned.

But one day, I finally did something that made my marriage magical again.
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The effects have lasted for over 15 years.

What happened, you ask?

I stumbled upon the life-changing book, The Surrendered Wife.

I couldn’t put it down. I read it in one sitting, and with each page I turned, I wiped my tears of both hope and sadness.

I had never before thought that I had anything to do with my failing marriage. Not once!

I thought our problems were all my husband’s fault.

After all, I had a good job, and I was an excellent mother. I was faithful and loving, and thought I was doing everything a wife should do.

What I didn’t realize until I read The Surrendered Wife was that I was a controlling, nagging and critical wife who often rejected gifts, compliments and help, and then complained about not getting gifts, compliments and help!

My husband couldn’t do anything right in my eyes. No wonder he preferred watching TV and snuggling with our pets over spending time with me.

When I read The Surrendered Wife, I finally felt for the first time that someone else understood me, and even knew my secrets. It gave me hope that I could save my broken marriage.

I wanted help learning how to, and I intuitively knew I couldn’t do it alone. I decided to fire my therapist and hire the author, Laura Doyle, to be my Surrendered Wife coach.

What I Kept Forgetting

In the beginning of my surrendering journey, I’d forget to be respectful and end up causing a big fight. I’d tell my husband how to drive, or correct his way of disciplining the children, and realize what I’d done only after I felt the chilling effect.

Laura taught me that when that happened, I could apologize for being disrespectful. That was soooo uncomfortable, but it restored the connection in a hurry.

I wanted to be a respectful wife anyway, but I hadn’t known how, or even that I wasn’t respectful before. That was news to me.

At first my husband didn’t trust my attempts to change my behavior. I wasn’t great at practicing the Intimacy Skills at first. But over time, with the training from Laura, they became my habit.

These days I don’t have to think about it much. My habits lead me along in a way that helps me create lots of connection and fun at my house.

I decided to become a Laura Doyle Relationship Coach and expert in the Intimacy Skills because I realized that if I could turn my miserable marriage around in the direction of fun, happy and intimate, any woman could.

Looking back, I can see that The Six Intimacy Skills™ wouldn’t have become my habit if I hadn’t invested in coaching and training to become a coach.

Reading a book or a blog just wasn’t enough for me. I mean, I have dozens–okay, hundreds–of books on my bookshelf that I haven’t even read yet. I can ignore the fact I spent $15 on a book, but investing with Laura made me focus and apply myself.

Making that investment so I had a mentor and support gave me inspiration and structure, which ultimately helped me succeed in changing my habits. I made a commitment to myself, to changing my life and my marriage, and because I had invested, I did the work.

It was the best money I ever spent, because without it, I wouldn’t have the fairytale marriage I have today.

That was 15 years ago, and today I still enjoy the passionate, playful relationship I dreamed of when I was a little girl.

What’s my secret for success? I’ll tell you: as a coach, I’m always talking to other women about the Intimacy Skills, and that’s kept them alive in my marriage. Helping other women on this journey keeps me from slipping back into my old habits of blaming my husband instead of looking at what I’m contributing.

These days, I talk to thousands of women who reach out to us for advice about their relationships. I’m often surprised when women find Laura’s website or books and they don’t see the connection between the results they’re experiencing and their investment in time and resources.

It’s painful to have a talk with a woman who clearly wants to be happy in her marriage and knows she wants support with practicing The Intimacy Skills, but is too afraid to say yes to herself and get it.

I remember all too well how scary it was to invest in myself. I felt guilty spending the money at first, but compared to the cost of divorce, and the expense of my endless shopping for new purses to soothe my loneliness, and how much money I wasted in marriage counseling, I knew that this was the wiser choice.

The Best Investment

Compared to those expenses, paying for a coach seemed like a bargain.

Coaching is not advice. In fact, we don’t give advice here at Laura Doyle Connect. We have these powerful Intimacy Skills and our own experience to share, and that, in turn, provides hope for a client to take new actions that lead to having an intimate, passionate, playful relationship.

That powerful formula has helped thousands of women make their marriages playful and passionate again. And it makes me sad when I see women who would benefit so much be too afraid to invest in themselves.

The post How I Single-Handedly Saved My Broken Marriage appeared first on Laura Doyle.