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I have to warn you. Unlike most of the stories I share with you, the following story is devoid of a happy ending. Nonetheless, it’s an important one because there is a very valuable lesson to be learned at the end about creating long-term relationship success. If your ultimate goal is marital bliss, I suggest you read on.
Shortly after Janet met Ken he had to move out of his apartment. Janet offered to let him move in to her townhouse, thinking he would be able to pull his life together if he lived in a nice environment and has some relief from his financial pressures. Ken said he was trying to find a better job and wanted to pay off his debts, so Janet figured she was helping him have that opportunity.
She secretly hoped that he would become more financially secure so that they could get married without her having to take on his debts. But Ken wasn’t looking very hard for that new job, and Janet began to feel resentful that he wasn’t trying to become the man she wanted him to be. Months later, he still hadn’t improved his financial situation at all as a result of her trying to control him by “helping.”
“I figured if we lived together, he would pick up some better habits,” Janet told me. What she really meant is that she hoped she could change him by getting him to earn more money and pay off debts. When she finally got rid of him, Janet felt thoroughly taken advantage of.
Although moving in together may have seemed like a way to elevate her relationship, it ended up doing the opposite. This is because Janet didn’t give her secret desire of getting married the attention it deserved. And she failed to examine one crucial aspect of her relationship with Ken. If you’re ultimately looking for a life-long commitment, then you must consider the one thing Janet didn’t before trying to take your relationship to the next level.
The key component missing in Janet and Ken’s relationship was commitment. Moving in together without a sacred commitment is a way of withholding a part of yourself that’s critical to the success of your union. Instead of saying, “take all of me,” your message is, “let’s see how it goes.” You’re holding back your faith, confidence and conviction, and no relationship will succeed without those.
Many assume that moving in together is a good way to gauge whether or not there is compatibility. But “will we be compatible?” is the wrong question. You will certainly have disagreements with each other at times. That doesn’t mean you won’t also have intimacy, loyalty and longevity together. The real question is, “will we be willing to stay and work through our differences so that we can continue to enjoy the tenderness, comfort and passion we find together?”
Marriage is a longer-term proposition than living together, and requires a much higher level of commitment. The benefit of getting married before you move in together is that when problems do arise, both of you will share a sense that they can be overcome instead of knowing that there’s an escape hatch–knowledge that drastically changes every situation.
Even in a country where the divorce rate hovers around 50%, you will have more success with lasting romance if you make a decision to stay together forever than you would if you set out with the intention to “see how it goes.”
When things were really strained between my husband John and I around the time of our fourth anniversary, I was tempted to walk. But the bond that we shared, forged of faith and conviction, was stronger than that temptation. Instead of leaving, I got busy figuring out what I could do to reclaim the hope and elation we’d felt in the beginning.
There were wedding pictures to remind me of my promise, and family members and friends to face if I couldn’t keep it. Turns out, the power of the connection that resulted when I made that sacred vow was great enough to keep me in the marriage.
