How I Improved My Marriage All By Myself
By Courtney Elder, Laura Doyle Certified Coach
A Smile a Day Kept Divorce Away
Have you ever met someone who just radiates positivity? Someone so happy and wonderful it makes you cringe?
That wasn’t me.
If you had known me BCE (Before Coaching Era), you’d know that I always had a complaint.
From the house not being clean enough to the kids being too loud, anything that happened in my life always had a negative spin.
My husband, on the other hand, is the eternal optimist. So whenever I had a complaint, it really rubbed him the wrong way.
Sometimes my issue would be about something general, but often it was about him or something he had done. He could never measure up to the idealistic image I had for how he should act.
For instance, it seemed like common sense that because my husband stayed home with our kids and I was out working, it was his job to maintain the house. For me, that included keeping it very clean every single day, having dinner on the table when I got home, and listening to all of my complaints about work.
Honestly, it’s pretty embarrassing to admit that’s how I felt, but years ago, I really did think those things were his job!
Do you think I had an intimate marriage? I sure didn’t. I was constantly unhappy, and he felt berated because he never measured up.
What I didn’t know then was the powerful skill would change not just my marriage, but my whole life
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I Wanted It to Work but Wasn’t Sure It Could
If your marriage is in crisis, the last thing you probably feel like doing is putting on a smile and thanking your hubby for every little thing he does. All I wanted to do was yell at mine about how hard I was working and how lazy I thought he was.
But as Laura teaches, expressing gratitude three times a day will make a lasting impact and help to transform your marriage. I didn’t want to thank him, but I remember my coach telling me that I had the power to make my marriage better. It was this nugget of truth that helped me to actually practice the Intimacy Skills™.
Since I was so unhappy and desperate to see any kind of results, I promised my coach that I would take on her homework. Three gratitudes a day? What in the world would I say?
From my viewpoint, my husband didn’t do anything. I went to work forty hours a week while he stayed home with our two boys. They were too young for school, so all three of them just hung out all day.
Not only did the house barely get cleaned as well as I thought it should, I was lucky if I didn’t have to cook dinner after working all day. Forget about self-care or being the Goddess of Fun and Light!
From my perspective, my husband literally did nothing I could thank him for. But I was committed to completing my homework, so I looked really hard for something to thank him for.
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I think the first day I thanked him for doing the dishes, taking out the trash, and checking the mail. Even that was hard to say and felt very disingenuous.
I Got My Miracle
As I continued to express gratitude, it became easier to find things to thank my husband for.
No longer did I have to struggle to look for things to thank him about; instead, he transformed before my eyes into a man who did countless things for our children and me every day.
He became more involved and attentive regarding the care of our children. Scheduling doctors’ appointments or attending parent-teacher conferences were tasks that he took off my plate.
I realized that through my negative filter, I hadn’t recognized the good things he was already doing. In truth, he did clean every day. Little did I know, but two- and four-year-old boys make messes faster than you can clean them up. All I saw was the evidence of their latest mess, not the twenty other messes that had already been cleaned before I came home.
The timeline is different for every woman and every situation, but for me, it took only a month or two for the power of gratitude to really take hold in my life.
Shifting my focus to the positive rather than the negative showed my husband a softer and different side of me. He liked being acknowledged for the things he was doing, so it had a ripple effect of inspiring him to do even more around the house.
When the dishwasher broke, he called the landlord before I had a free moment to do it. He went grocery shopping more often to take that burden off my shoulders.
He seemed to want to be around me more too. We started spending more time together in the evenings instead of him rushing off to his friends’ house the moment I got home.
The New and Improved Me
It’s impossible for me to quantify or even describe the power that Laura’s work has had in my life. But the one absolute statement I can make is that I am happy.
I’m a happy person. I choose to look at the positives in life instead of dwelling on the negative side of things. Last month, our washing machine broke. It was only about four months old, and we struggled to get someone to come out and fix it. Instead of being consumed by my frustration, I was thankful that the repairs were covered under our warranty and that we didn’t have to pay a dime.
Like Laura says, what you focus on increases.
I choose to focus on the blessings in my life. I have a loving husband and children. I am so lucky to have the life I have, and I embrace both the perfect parts and the less-than-perfect parts. Sure, I wish we had more in our savings account and our yard wasn’t so full of weeds. But I’m thankful that we have a home and food in the fridge.
Gratitude has given me the ability to choose what to focus on. As my comfort with this Skill grew, I began thanking my husband for things other than cleaning.
I was able to thank him for being a devoted husband, an involved father, a supportive spouse. He demonstrates incredible emotional depth, he’s intelligent, and he’s driven. He’s always been this way—I just never saw it.
Just recently, he made a huge sacrifice for me. For the last seven years, he has stayed at home with our boys while I’ve been the breadwinner. Now, I’m burnt out and want to be home more while I grow my freelance writing career.
He offered to take on full-time work so I can live my dream. I get to be with my kids every day and do what I love from the comfort of my sweatpants, while he works hard to take care of us. If that doesn’t show the power that gratitude has on our husbands, I don’t know what does!
In the past, the only things I focused on were his shortcomings. Yet with the power of gratitude and by focusing on positivity, I can see him for the selfless man that he is.
My girlfriends have even noticed a change!
I used to complain about my circumstances nonstop, but now I shift my focus and look at challenges as opportunities for growth. Often I have to press pause for just a minute and ask myself whether having a negative outlook will serve me. When I realize it would only be a detriment, I make the conscious choice to look at the bright side.
When my self-care is low, I can see my positive focus slipping. My happiness is a great barometer for how well I’m doing with all six of the Intimacy Skills.
If I feel distant from my husband or irritated at something he’s done, I know that I need to focus on gratitude. Like magic, getting back on track with expressing gratitude three times a day completely shifts my perspective.
I’m so thankful for these Skills and for the Skill of gratitude in particular. My work with Laura has completely changed me as a person. I am happy and hopeful, and I appreciate every gift my life presents to me.
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