Everybody knows marriage is a 50-50 partnership, but what if it isn’t? What if one of you is wrecking the marriage and the other person is just responding in kind? Surprisingly, that’s what I see in my relationship coaching practice every day. And the person who’s usually wrecking things is overwhelmingly the wife.
Before I explain, there are a few bad husbands out there—the chronic cheaters, the physical abusers and the active drug, alcohol or gambling addicts. If you’re married to one of those, that’s a divorce I endorse. You’re not safe, and safety comes first.
But if you’re married to a guy who doesn’t fall into one of those categories and your marriage is in the ditch, then it’s because you’ve never been trained in the intimacy skills. A happy marriage–just like anything else that’s worthwhile in life–takes some skill. If they didn’t offer Relationships 101 at your school and you’re from a broken or miserable home, where would you have learned?
The good news is that with a little training, any woman can learn the intimacy skills—just like…
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She can return her broken, DOA marriage back to the euphoria of the early days. I’m talking about messed-up marriages where one of you had an affair, or you’re separated, or you already have divorce attorneys. The affection, connection and trust can be completely restored. I’ve seen over 150,000 women single-handedly revitalize the intimacy and passion in their relationships by practicing the intimacy skills I discovered 15 years ago while trying to save my own failing marriage.
But do you really have the power to transform your hopeless and exhausting marriage?
If you identify with two of these telltale signs then the answer is definitely yes–you can make your marriage playful and passionate again, and it won’t take long:
1. You’re responsible for everything
One of the most common signs that you’re unwittingly wrecking you’re marriage is that you’re responsible for everything—from making the doctor’s appointments to paying the bills; from helping the kids with their homework to earning the money; from cleaning the house to calling someone to fix the refrigerator.
Yes, you’re efficient and productive–but the price of being superwoman is loneliness and overwhelm. Relying on your husband to handle some of the chores is scary because you feel he would drop the ball and there would be hell to pay. By doing everything yourself, you can make sure it’s is done the right way. That seems only logical, but it’s actually undermining your relationship in two ways. One is that you’re resentful, which ruins the intimacy. The other is that your husband knows that you don’t trust him to do anything important, which hurts.
Consider resigning from a few of your jobs. Let him handle dry cleaning and dentist appointments. Instead of telling him which cell phone plan to choose for the family, try saying, as one of my clients did, “Whatever you think. I trust you.” He won’t do it your way, but he may surprise you by finding solutions you never thought of. You’ll have a true partnership again instead of feeling like the mom of a lazy teenager.
2. You believe your husband is the problem
You’ve done a lot of work on yourself and he hasn’t. You’re more spiritual, smarter and cultured. You think that if he would at least try to improve in the ways that you’ve asked him to then there would be hope for your marriage—but he won’t.
That’s what all of my clients think at first. It’s pretty eye-opening to see how experimenting with a few changes yourself can have an immediate, positive impact on your marriage.
Your husband is not as unspiritual, stupid and uncivilized as you think he is. You wouldn’t have married an idiot—you’re too smart for that. But it’s not helping the intimacy when he looks in your eyes and sees those insulting beliefs directed back at him. Who wouldn’t be defensive?
Until you clean up your side of the street by treating your husband more respectfully you can’t be sure who’s causing most of the suffering in your marriage. If you’re like most of my clients, you’re wondering, “What about him treating me more respectfully?” But since the only person you can control is yourself and you want a respectful marriage, try being the first to be respectful.
One simple way to be respectful is to really listen to him without agreeing or disagreeing. A great phrase for doing just that is: “I hear you.”
Even if he’s saying things that make you think, “There he goes again,” the act of listening without trying to teach, correct or criticize him will clear up the wall-to-wall hostility in a hurry. If you find it impossible not to roll your eyes when he’s talking, consider intimacy skills training so you can maintain your dignity and avoid a hostility hangover.
3. You’re angry and unhappy a lot
To have a happy marriage, you have to be happy to begin with. And since the only person who can make you happy is you, it’s critical to focus on your happiness every day. You’ll not only have a more enjoyable life, you’ll give your relationship a fighting chance.
You might be thinking that you would be happier if you weren’t in a broken marriage, but if you were happier, you wouldn’t be in a broken marriage.
Consider committing to doing three things that make you happy every day—activities whose only purpose is to make you feel good. You might think that’s absolutely impossible with all your responsibilities, but how else do you expect to get happy? By getting divorced? That never works.
There’s nothing more irresistible than a happy dance, and if you haven’t been doing yours lately that’s a big part of what’s gone missing. He used to make you happy, and he can again—but only if you make yourself happy first.
Snippy, exasperated and angry isn’t the real you anyway. When you find your way back to being the Goddess of Fun and Light your husband will find you irresistible—just like he did in the very beginning.
To learn the secrets of feeling desired, cherished and adored for life, sign up for free video training at lauradoyle.org.
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