Clik here to view.
How focusing on mental illness can prevent you from fixing the real issues in your relationship
Of course, I’ve never met your husband, so I can’t really know, but let’s just pretend for a minute that the problems in your marriage are not because of your husband having a mental illness.
Imagine that the source of your unhappiness is definitely not that your husband has ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder), OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder), or narcissism.
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
Let’s say him being passive aggressive, bipolar, or exhibiting adolescent syndrome is not what keeps you sleeping in separate rooms, or has every conversation turn into an argument.
Suppose we could rule out that treating such an illness would get you closer to feeling connected and cherished.
Imagine that it’s all just a big distraction from the real issues, which I’ll reveal.
Let’s suppose those diagnoses are a gigantic temptation to focus on your husband’s faults instead of the things that you could change–the things that would really lead to having his face light up when you come home and him chasing you into the bedroom.
Now you’re looking at things through the lens of my experience, and the experience of thousands of clients who say it was theirs too. But we could only see it in retrospect–after we practiced The Six Intimacy Skills and started respecting our husbands and replenishing ourselves.
From this vantage point, it seems obvious that focusing on mental illnesses was no help at all.
What Unhappy Wives Have in Common
Here’s what I do know for sure: Of the thousands of women who have come to me for help with their relationships, nearly every single one has a diagnosis for her husband.
This is something that unhappily married women seem to have in common.
Sometimes she read about a condition somewhere, or she took a quiz in a magazine on his behalf, or took said husband to a professional for a diagnosis.
A wife will ask me if The Six Intimacy Skills will still work, since her husband’s a narcissist and bipolar, let’s say. And she will frequently add that he also came from a dysfunctional family.
Her question for me is always, “Will The Six Intimacy Skills still work even though he has _____________ (fill in the blank with a mental illness).
If you find yourself talking about your husband in similar terms, and it hasn’t gotten you the results you were hoping for, here’s the next possibility to consider if you’re willing: What if your husband doesn’t have any of those illnesses?
What if there’s been a mistake and he has a 100% clean bill of mental health?
What You Focus on Increases, Including Deficits and Disorders
The reason I suggest you consider that idea is because even if he does have every symptom of ADD or OCD in the DSM, affirming that about him won’t lead you to a happier marriage.
In fact, affirming that someone has a disorder or a deficit is a criticism, and nobody ever got happier from criticizing her husband. So focusing on the idea that your husband is mentally ill is making you both feel worse.
Another reason to examine this belief is to find out if it’s serving you to affirm that your husband has a mental illness.
My story about my husband’s mental illness was my justification about why I was so unhappy in my marriage. As in, “of course we’re having problems—he’s got Attention Deficit Disorder! Duh!”
Unable to find a way out of my morass, I found a story that relieved me of accountability.
But the story I came up with has a broken-down husband and a miserable wife in it. That’s not the fairytale romance I dreamed of when I was a little girl.
While the story suited our circumstances (as I saw them then), it didn’t come close to matching my desires.
What if I HAVE a diagnosis for my husband, and he’s taking medicine for it already?” you may be wondering.
Only you know for sure what fits for you.
“But what if my husband’s diagnosis is real? What if it’s the truth?” you might be asking.
It could be.
But whatever his shortcomings and ailments, they are not your shortcomings and ailments, and therefore they’re not within your power to control. Does it serve either one of you if the woman who knows your husband best in the world asserts that he’s mentally ill, deficient or disordered?
Since you are the expert on your own life, only you know the answer. But if letting go of the diagnosis for your husband feels as difficult as parting with a precious family heirloom, ask yourself what it is that has you so attached.
He’s Still The Man You Chose When You Said, “I do”
Yes, the diagnoses probably provided some insights. They can be fascinating. But what difference has it made to have that insight? Does it make him a different guy than the one you married?
Are you telling yourself that you wouldn’t have married him had you known about the diagnoses, like I used to?
Because you were pretty excited to marry him at the time and he was the same quirky guy.
Whatever you decide, I know from my own experience that focusing on his illness is still a distraction from your own power to change your attitude or approach.
Every second that we spend discussing his defects is another second of your life that you’re missing––just as I was missing my life while I was focused on making sure my husband got Ritalin for his deficit disorder.
His mental illness is simply not your concern.
Ask yourself how you’ve benefitted from carrying around your husband’s diagnosis.
If you’re not finding it’s helpful in terms of making you happier or more connected as a couple, consider throwing it out like an old pair of shoes that never fit to begin with.
You married a man who’s not perfect, but he’s perfect for you.
If what you want is to enjoy that feeling of excitement, passion and connection–like the partners in crime you were when you were dating–consider dropping the diagnosis.
But How Will Things Ever Get Better?
If you’re worried that your husband may always be a slob, or be uncomfortable at parties, or never be a good listener, or never get along with your sister, I have great news. Those problems will get better as you get better at being respectful, starting with giving up this particular criticism of him.
Instead of brooding about what’s wrong with your husband (let’s face it—not a great pastime!),…
Click To Tweet
That’s where the changes come in. And they are big changes.
Focus on being respectful. There’s no respectful way to tell someone they’re narcissistic.
Here are the kinds of transformations I see when a wife starts practicing The Six Intimacy Skills.
The formerly emotionally unavailable husband seems much more available and interested in his wife because he no longer has to validate his own self-worth in light of all the criticism he’s getting.
The formerly bipolar husband seems a lot calmer and more level when he’s feeling appreciated and sees that his wife thinks he’s capable and smart.
A husband with PTSD from his time in the service and always seemed angry responds with tenderness and starts sleeping better.
In other words, love really does heal. And knowing how to nurture love in your home can go a long way towards making it a playful, passionate one.
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
The post The Problem With Diagnosing Your Husband With a Mental Illness appeared first on Laura Doyle.