The #1 Reason Men Open Up
I think you’ll agree with me when I say that sometimes the hardest thing in the world to do is to get a man to talk to you.
You ask how his day was and he grunts.
You tell him your news for the day and he keeps eating without even looking up.
You try to get him to open up, but he gets annoyed.
It turns out, you can dramatically increase the gratifying conversations with him by creating an environment that will make him want to open up and share with you more intimately.
In this post, I’m going to show you what the secret is…and exactly how you can use it in your relationship.
The Secret to Getting Your Husband or Boyfriend to Talk to You
It starts with the most basic ingredient for any intimate relationship–the thing that makes him want to be his most authentic self, and has him feel excited to share his thoughts. It’s the thing that makes him feel he really is loved.
It’s something that’s not all that easy to come by. You can’t buy it, but you can definitely make it at home.
It may take a little practice. It certainly did for me.
The magical ingredient that will make your guy want to talk to you about anything and everything is emotional safety.
You may be thinking, “Sounds good…but what does that mean?”
Emotional safety means that your husband feels free to say things to you knowing that you won’t criticize him, correct him or try to teach him a better way.
Emotional safety means he can speak without fear of negative consequences like having you yell or give him the silent treatment.
Of course, no one can guarantee that she won’t get upset at what her husband says, I realize. But I have a few specific suggestions for you, which I’ll describe in detail.
What Emotional Safety Looks Like
First, let’s talk about this part of the equation for emotional safety:
What if you never criticized your husband, no matter how much it seemed like he deserved it?
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The first time I heard that suggestion for a better relationship, I was completely unimpressed.
I remember asking the wife that suggested it, “Have you got anything else?”
It didn’t seem possible to me to never criticize my husband, but that was before I knew what I’m about to tell you in this post.
Let’s say your man was speeding and rear-ended another car.
Or he bought a risky investment and lost your joint money.
Or maybe he was watching the baby and let her fall down the stairs.
Everyone knows it’s best not to berate the man, but surely you have the right as his significant other to say something about it when he really blows it, right?
That depends on what price you’re willing to pay.
You already have a problem: Car damage, less money or a crying baby.
One problem you don’t have is a conflict in your relationship. And you won’t have that problem–unless you tell him what he should have done differently or how he was bad or stupid–even if it’s only implied.
It’s when you say, “I’ve told you so many times to slow down and pay attention to your driving!” that you create the conflict.
Or, “Why didn’t you ask me about this investment before you made it?!” That will make him defensive for sure.
Or “I guess I can’t trust you to watch the baby while I’m out for an hour,” That’s letting him know you think he’s a moron.
Now you have another problem in addition to the smooshed car, the lost money and the crying baby: A fight with your husband or boyfriend.
What Do You Say When Your Man Completely Screws Up?
Of course you’re allowed to have your reaction when there’s a mishap, but that’s not the same as telling him he’s wrong, stupid or bad.
You still get to express how you feel about the situation, and as long as it’s not a veiled criticism, you won’t cause any discord.
For example, you might still say, “I’m bummed about the car,” or “I hate when that happens,” or “I’m scared she may be seriously hurt and we don’t realize it.”
None of those are a criticism of him. That’s about how you feel, and even though they may make him feel even worse than he already does (and make no mistake about it—your guy feels terrible when he messes up), you haven’t attacked him verbally and he won’t feel obliged to defend himself.
That’s a huge difference. It’s the difference between being able to snuggle and comfort each other through a crisis, or tearing each other down when things are already stressful.
How to Create an Even Higher Level of Emotional Safety
Maybe you’re pretty good about not criticizing your husband—you don’t laugh at him, roll your eyes, dismiss him or tell him what to do. You’re way ahead of where I was early in my marriage.
In fact, you’re ready to go to the next level.
The next level up from not criticizing him or making him wrong, is to let him off the hook easy by saying, “That’s why we have insurance…Are you okay?” or “It’s only money” or “Good thing kids are resilient.”
You might express to your girlfriends how inconvenient it is to take the car to the shop, or how much you hate when the stock market “corrects.” You could tell your mom about how it broke your heart to hear the baby crying when she hurt herself.
It’s important that you get to say how you feel.
But there’s no benefit to saying those things to your man.
It’s not as though he doesn’t realize that he’s made a mistake. Nobody needs to tell him that.
But something amazing happens when you don’t tell him what a numbskull he is.
He doesn’t have to defend himself against you, and that’s when he hears his own voice in his head.
Maybe it says, “I’m going to drive slower.” Or, “I won’t make that mistake again,” or “I’ll make sure those stairs are blocked from now on!”
He’s not stupid—just exercising his right to be wrong.
We all have that right as mere mortals. And it’s a huge relief to know that even when we exercise our right to make goofy mistakes, we’re still lovable.
And when you acknowledge that gracefully by letting screw-ups go by without commenting, you’re not being weak––you’re nurturing the intimacy. You’re creating emotional safety.
Sure, he’s not perfect. But he’s perfect for you.
Getting Those Intimate, Connected Conversations Started
The kind of emotional safety makes him open up to you because he knows that no matter how much he screwed up, you’re still going to accept him and respect him.
Sometimes you’ll try to pry something out of your husband and you get nowhere. Chances are, he’s exercising his right to remain silent lest anything he says can and will be used against him.
That’s okay. Leave him be.
Go call your sister or a friend. That’s not where the connection is going to come from, from trying to force it. That never works.
If you become emotionally safe, it’s going to come when you least expect it.
Like the time my husband and I were out to lunch when he started telling me about his marathon training plans.
I’m not especially interested in marathon training plans, but these were his ideas, and it was his voice, his face…and he’s my beloved. And he was telling me—someone he feels emotionally safe with—what he cared about, what was on his mind.
I realized in that moment he was being open, telling me about what he was thinking––just like I always wanted him to.
I felt a rush of pride about being his confidante as I listened to him talking about where he was going to hide his water bottles and which route he would take.
I didn’t offer any improvements or suggestions—just enjoyed the intimate moment.
Your husband will open up too, as soon as he feels emotionally safe.
The post How To Get Your Husband Or Boyfriend To Talk To You appeared first on Laura Doyle.