4 of My Biggest Secrets to Creating a Lifelong Romance

Are you stuck in an unhappy marriage but can’t leave? Maybe you’re in an unhappy marriage with kids, for example, and you really don’t want to see your family torn apart.

So you grin (at least sometimes) and bear it.

But at what cost?

It’s so painful to endure it all: the frustration of not being able to communicate with the one you love, the overwhelm and resentment at not getting the support you need, the loneliness at night.

If you’ve experienced this condition, I bet you could write the Cosmo version of the Unhappy Marriage Quiz yourself.

Well, I have good news and bad news.

If you’re wondering how to get out of an unhappy marriage or how to survive a loveless, sexless marriage, then bad news: this is not the blog for you.

The good news is that if you want to stay married, you can turn things around to create the vibrant, happy marriage you deserve.

You probably just don’t have the tools–yet.

Here are 4 secrets to creating a lifelong romance so you can have the happy marriage you had in mind when you said “I do.”

1) Know What You Want

When you’re stuck in a miserable relationship, it’s natural to put out feelers and look to him for the vital information of whether there’s any hope.

What are his intentions for the marriage? Is he willing to do the work to make things better? Is he ready to make a change?

Yes, it takes two to make a marriage work. The problem is, in looking over on his paper, just like the schoolteacher told us not to do, many women overlook the most important information for this equation…

What do you want?

If you had a magic wand, what is it that you see for yourself?

Maybe, right now it’s just peace, ending the fighting or cold war. Maybe it’s to get back the playfulness and passion you once had (or never had in the first place). Maybe it’s to raise your children in a happy, loving household with their father, modeling the kind of relationships you’d want for them in the future.

Whatever your vision is, the reason it’s so vital is that you are the keeper of your marriage.

As the wife, you have enormous power to create the kind of culture you want in your relationship, even if that feels like the furthest thing from the reality right now.

Exhibit A is Tara, who, looking back at the bad old days in her marriage, describes them as “a decade of misery.”

Things were fine until she got pregnant with their first child and her husband went to a poker night. He became obsessed, reading books about poker and playing at all hours–including throughout the entire six weeks of his paternity leave, when he was supposed to be taking care of their new baby.

Tara says he “totally tuned out.” They never spent time together. He wouldn’t even come to bed with her.

She felt like poker was his mistress and became resentful at the lack of attention.

She tried to “nag and drag” him, but it was not working for her. She knew she needed a different approach, so she decided to refocus her view with gratitude. Every time she felt the urge to control what he was doing, she would express gratitude for something, anything.

Today, he hardly plays poker at all.

True story.

Instead, he has planned all sorts of trips for them to take together.

Sure enough, she had the power to create the culture she wanted in her relationship once she got in touch with what that was.

Now it’s your turn: Get out your magic wand and go crazy! Imagine what might be possible for you if you had the skills to create it.

If fear rears its nasty little head saying that’ll never happen for you, just squash it on the head for now. You can always pick fear back up later if you want, but it’s just not useful for this exercise.

Visualize exactly what kind of culture you want in your marriage. Got your vision?

Okay, now…

2) Love Him, Flaws and All

Another thing Tara wanted to create in her marriage was mutual respect. She didn’t feel too respected when her husband was out all hours doing his thing.

Then she got the skill to do just that, and it was—you guessed it—respect.

She couldn’t make him respect her, but she could explore how she might deepen her own practice of that skill to be a shiny wife mirror and see it reflected back to her.

For her, that meant expecting the best outcome. Even when it looked like he must have an addiction, it meant relinquishing control of what her husband was doing and letting go of trying to solve his problems. It meant giving him the space to be his own man. It meant not taking the bait when an argument was brewing.

These days, he’s so respectful of Tara and so keen to please her that he has a cute habit of making lists just to show her he’s checking things off.

If you too have been trying to solve your man’s problems, how has it served you?

If you’re ready to change the old dance, take the Tara Challenge, choosing to show respect for your man’s thinking and his choices. How many days (or minutes) can you go relinquishing control, criticism, and complaining? Share your day count below!

Now that you’re showing him such love, don’t forget secret #3…

3) Show Yourself Some Love!

In my case, it seemed impossible to break the nasty habit of trying to solve my husband’s problems. Remember the paper I mentioned earlier? I was all over my husband’s!

That’s because I was missing the indispensable first step to intimacy: self-care.

I got my self-care groove on by playing poker (sorry, Tara!), playing volleyball, playing Words with Friends. Are you noticing a theme?

Yes, I learned how to play again! In taking on all the serious wifely duties I thought I was supposed to be doing, I had forgotten how to have fun. I had forgotten what made me happy.

Becoming responsible for my own happiness had a twofold benefit: It allowed me to get off my husband’s paper. That was a disrespectful place to be anyway, so no wonder he didn’t want to have sex with me or be around me anymore, period.

Getting happy also increased my magnetism. John couldn’t seem to stay away from me. Even when I’m doing my own thing, like working on the laptop, he’ll sidle right up to me on the sofa to be by my side.

What self-care would fill you up? Maybe a solo hobby like signing up for a rock climbing class, starting a book club, volunteering at your local shelter?

What’s something you’ve always wanted to do, if only you had the time? Getting out your old paintbrushes, getting a piano, getting a massage?

And what is it costing you to keep putting it off?

As Dr. Chris Peterson said, “I spent my young adult years postponing many of the small things that I knew would make me happy… I was fortunate enough to realize that I would never have the time unless I made the time. And then the rest of my life began.”

I bet you had your own rich personal life when you attracted your man in the first place, and I can’t wait to hear what happens when you come back to your marriage as a happier you!

4) Get a Second Opinion, from the Right Opiner

It’s bad enough to feel alone in your own marriage. But not being able to share what you’re going through intensifies the loneliness until it can be unbearable.

Especially since, when your marriage is in crisis, that’s when you need to be heard and supported more than ever!

It’s natural to turn to those closest to you to fulfill those needs, or at least to vent. But that often creates whole new problems that make the situation even worse. Family and friends only want the best for you, and when their protective instincts come out, it can sound like this: “You deserve better” or “It’ll never work if he doesn’t change.”

It’s hard enough to keep the faith to save a marriage without such hopeless voices in your head clashing with your own intentions for your relationship.

And, even after you hone the tools to get your miracle, those loved ones will be hard pressed to ever forgive the man who wronged you.

There are lots of well-intentioned advocates for divorce out there, which is why it’s so important to confide in people genuinely rooting for you and your husband, ideally other women who have been where you are and have transformed it themselves.

There’s immense relief just in knowing that you are not alone. And you’re not crazy for wanting to stay married even when things look really dark. Families depend on strong, lasting marriages, and I can’t think of anything more important than fighting for yours.

Check out an online support group like the free Adored Wife Facebook group. Connect with women who have been in the same boat as you so you can get the inspiration and information you need to turn that boat around.

Now that you have the tools, which will you experiment with today to make your marriage happy again?

I’d love to hear in the comments!

Laura Doyle

Hi! I’m Laura.

I was the perfect wife–until I actually got married. When I tried to tell my husband how to be more romantic, more ambitious, and tidier, he avoided me. I dragged him to marriage counseling and nearly divorced him. I then started talking to women who had what I wanted in their marriages and that’s when I got my miracle. The man who wooed me returned.

I wrote a few books about what I learned and accidentally started a worldwide movement of women who practice The Six Intimacy Skills that lead to having amazing, vibrant relationships. The thing I’m most proud of is my playful, passionate relationship with my hilarious husband John–who has been dressing himself since before I was born.

The post How to Survive in an Unhappy Marriage appeared first on Laura Doyle.

4 Fail-Safe Secrets to a Long and Happy Romance

If you Google “rules for a successful marriage,” tread with caution.

Some of the advice tidbits out there are just silly, others downright dangerous.

You’ll come across things like a wife suggesting, “Whenever we’re working on something, we make it a point to ask the other person ‘Can I help?’”

Screeeeech.

If you’ve tried this one out, you may have noticed scratches in the romantic record you were hoping to play.

Being “helpful” is actually one of the biggest mistakes wives make. Most are as clueless as I was that “helpful” in wife language means “controlling” in husband language. Then she’s baffled as to why he’s inexplicably annoyed when she’s trying to be such a helpful, good wife!

Instituting a date night is another horrible idea if what you want is for him to actually want to spend time with you.

Ditto with going to marriage counseling, which is all too often the death knell of an already fading marriage.

These recommendations are from seemingly reputable sources. I know! I was surprised too.

In my quest to fix my failing marriage, I tried all the conventional “wisdom” out there. It only drove my husband farther away, leaving me feeling even lonelier and more dejected.

If you’re ready for marriage tips from the trenches that actually work, you’re in the right place!

These are the secrets not only to keep a marriage alive after 20 years or more but also to keep your relationship spicy. For lasting peace and passion, ditch the old rulebook and try these 4 simple methods I use every day.

1) Be a Free Spirit

Forget for a minute about making your man happy. What makes you happy?

Writing, gardening, meditation–how can you express yourself creatively and spiritually to bring back the vibrant woman who attracted him in the first place?

One mom takes a solo mini-vacation and checks herself into a hotel for the weekend on a regular basis. She comes back refreshed and magnetic to her husband!

Another woman takes a two-hour break every afternoon, when the kids know not to disturb mama. Somehow the mess and her husband’s shortcomings don’t bother her so much anymore.

Self-care is not just a solo event, of course. Social self-care is crucial to a happy marriage.

Turning my one-and-only into my end-all be-all is just too much pressure on one person.

As you’ve probably heard, studies show that women use a lot more words than men. It makes sense I’d need more listeners. And the more connected I am with everyone I love besides my husband, the more easily love seems to flow between him and me.

As much as I know he loves me, my husband doesn’t alway hang breathlessly on every last detail about my day. Sometimes he’s just trying to decompress from his day by staring at his phone. Which is why I’m grateful to have besties I can chat and gossip with, too.

2) Have Deep Conversations

Not to say that my husband and I don’t have deep conversations. We do!

This is where all those words we have stored up as women should come in handy, right?

Well, not so much.

If deep conversations have become a thing of the past in your relationship, chances are all those words have actually gotten in the way. They sure did for me.

Asking how he’s feeling, for example, is anathema to male culture. Trying to get him to tell you why he’s being so quiet is controlling and even disrespectful, as is trying to fix it if he were to tell you.

And disrespect has a way of pushing away the long talks you were hoping to have.

The problem, at least for me, is that I thought I was being a respectful wife. I had no idea all the forms disrespect could take. I had no idea why my husband didn’t want to spend time with me or make love to me anymore.

Fortunately, I was baffled and desperate enough to try a new tack. I started talking less and listening more–a lot more.

Three little words that helped me immensely were “I hear you.”

It was not easy!

I had to bite my tongue because I was itching to give advice or make a “helpful” suggestion.

Instead, I stuck with saying “I hear you”–not agreeing or disagreeing, just listening.

The results were mindblowing.

My husband started opening up to me a lot more. Soon enough, we were having those long talks I’d been craving. And he was scooching up to me on the sofa (and in bed too).

Turns out, less is more when communicating with men. More on this in “4 Ways to Have Deep Conversations with Your Man.”

3) Keep the Spark Alive

Even if you never had the spark of early love in your relationship, this tip is just as critical. If you did have it, I’m sure you remember the butterflies and googly eyes.

It’s no wonder then that the newlywed go-to Brides.com got this one right: To keep the spark alive, keep dating!

Now, I am not talking about instituting a date night, which is actually one of 3 Common Relationship Tips that will Destroy Your Marriage. Nothing more exciting than adding that to your husband’s to-do list:

• Clean the garage
• Scrub the toilets
• Go out with the wife

Kissing, snuggling, hand-holding, and making out all helped build the romance. It’s time to bring them back! Yes, even if you’ve been married for 20 years.

Maybe you’ve already been trying to do this but not getting anywhere. A woman’s desire for romance can be a hotbed of control. You may have noticed that trying to make your man do something is the last way to get him to do it. (How long has that dead lightbulb been on your honey-do list?)

So I’m not suggesting telling him “Let’s take a bath together” or asking him “Do you want to watch a movie tonight” or even saying “We should get away for the weekend.”

Instead, say what you want without necessarily including him at all, like “I’d love to watch an episode of Sex Life,” with no expectations attached.

Note that you’re not trying to get him to do anything. If he’s not feeling it, you can still honor that desire and watch it yourself.

There’s something very sexy about a woman who knows what she wants (and doesn’t make a pouty face when her husband doesn’t want the same thing–another control alert!).

Soon enough, he will be feeling it. Don’t be surprised when he climbs into the tub with you or joins you for that steamy show…then gets steamy himself.

4) Use These Magic Words

When was the last time you said or heard, “I’m blessed to have you in my life”? After years of marriage, this can become a forgotten sentiment. If you’ve been taking your man for granted, watch him light up when you say these words.

A little gratitude goes a long way. Imagine if you started saying things like:

“Thank you for working so hard for our family.”

“Thank you for installing that security cam. You make me feel so safe.”

“Thank you for bringing me coffee this morning–you are so thoughtful!”

…All in one day!

That’s right–students around here list everything they’re grateful for about their husband and express at least three gratitudes to him every day with the magic words “Thank you.”

And somehow the list keeps getting longer and longer.

Gratitude is the most powerful Intimacy Skill of all because it does double duty. What you focus on increases, so it changes your perspective and also changes the way people respond to you.

That’s what happened with Isabella. She was not enthusiastic when I suggested that she express gratitude to her fiancé at least three times each day. She said, “I do all the cooking and all the laundry, and he never thanks me for that, so why should I thank him?”

The point of this exercise is to remind yourself just how fortunate you are. If you have a good man who works hard, runs to the store when you’re out of milk and wears snore strips so he doesn’t keep you awake at night, then you have plenty to be grateful for.

Expressing gratitude means letting your man know that you appreciate him. Thank him for doing his job, even if it’s not exactly what you had in mind.

Isabella finally agreed to do this, and halfway through the week her fiancé completely surprised her by saying, “You’ve really taught me that we need to appreciate each other more, and I wanted to thank you for making dinner tonight.”

Whaaaat?!

Instead of focusing on how her fiancé didn’t appreciate her, which she couldn’t do anything about, Isabella looked at her own actions. When she became willing to change her behavior, she brought the entire relationship to higher ground.

Becoming her best self also helped her realize that she did appreciate her man.

What are your successful marriage tips, and which new ones here will you try today?

Laura Doyle

Hi! I’m Laura.

I was the perfect wife–until I actually got married. When I tried to tell my husband how to be more romantic, more ambitious, and tidier, he avoided me. I dragged him to marriage counseling and nearly divorced him. I then started talking to women who had what I wanted in their marriages and that’s when I got my miracle. The man who wooed me returned.

I wrote a few books about what I learned and accidentally started a worldwide movement of women who practice The Six Intimacy Skills that lead to having amazing, vibrant relationships. The thing I’m most proud of is my playful, passionate relationship with my hilarious husband John–who has been dressing himself since before I was born.

The post What Keeps a Marriage Together appeared first on Laura Doyle.

Ending world divorce may sound like one very tall order.

It might seem like something so big and overwhelming that you can’t imagine how it could happen, never mind how YOU could contribute to such a lofty goal. After all, relationships are falling apart everywhere you look, and it seems so normal, so business-as-usual to hear about people you know or celebrities tragically calling it quits.

But what if it were the other way around? What if divorce were exceptional and staying married your whole life were actually the norm?

What if that’s what all the cool kids around you were doing?

What if everyone were staying married and talking about how to make their marriage playful and passionate instead of whether to separate or call a divorce attorney?

What if every time you complained about your marriage to your friends or your siblings they listened and empathized then asked what it was about you that was stopping you from having what you wanted?

What if they acknowledged you for looking for how you could clean up your side of the street and celebrated when you were making yourself happy so you could have a happy marriage? What if the women in your circle shared their experience about how to successfully create a playful, passionate relationship?

That sounds like a wonderful world, right?

There is a small corner of the world like that: the Laura Doyle Connect Campus. That’s the kind of community our coaches, coach trainees and students enjoy. And that’s why you read this blog, I bet. Because you too think that marriage is important and you want to end world divorce, starting with making your own marriage last, which is the very best place to start.

We are celebrating 20 years of empowering women to be Ridiculously Happy Wives this year. It took me a long time to figure out how to have this kind of community, which it turns out is essential for my marriage to thrive.

Every time I hear myself sharing what I’ve learned, it reminds and reinvigorates me to be my best self so I can have the best marriage. That’s how I started doing this work to begin with: I wanted to have some structure and accountability to fix my own marriage, so I made my friends start doing it with me.

Having a community is a great way to be able to pay forward to another woman what you’ve learned about how to have a lasting marriage. Because what I learned is that the advanced self-help department is also known as the “help others” department.

So now you know my secret: that I’m here paying forward what I’ve learned to help myself. To keep my marriage shiny.

Now I have tens of thousands of friends doing this with me, which means we are so much closer to ending world divorce!

But how can you get the advanced self-help of paying forward what you’ve learned on this blog or from The Empowered Wife book or from listening to my podcast and experimenting in your own marriage?

And what might be possible for your marriage if you started sharing what you know with women who are hurting in their marriages? What kinds of breakthroughs could you have if you were paying forward what you’ve learned?

That’s how I got my breakthrough. And that’s how so many women on our campus get their breakthroughs.

So let’s talk about three ways you can help end world divorce and at the same time get advanced self-help for your own marriage.

1) Share Resources

Option 1 for how you can personally end world divorce is something you might already be doing. I hear about many of you doing it all the time, and I want to thank you!

One of the easiest ways to pay forward what you’ve learned and expand your own community of like-minded women is to recommend this blog to someone who seems like she’s struggling in her marriage. You can share what it’s done for you or why you like it.

If you got insight and value from the book The Empowered Wife, you can recommend that.

If you’ve listened to podcast episodes and you got value from those, just giving someone the information she needs to become empowered is a tremendous contribution to ending world divorce.

Or if that feels too scary or too delicate to share about, how about writing an anonymous review of The Empowered Wife podcast on iTunes or reviewing The Empowered Wife book on Amazon?

You may never meet the woman you help that way, but what if your review is the one that resonates with her and has her take a chance on listening to a podcast or reading a book that leads to her saving her family?

Plus, writing a review is one way of telling your own story, a powerful way to shape your own future into the one you want to experience.

2) Join the Community

Another way to pay forward what you’ve learned about how to have a lasting marriage, and thereby help it take root, is by joining one of my programs.

In every program on our campus, you can get support from the coaches who run the groups, yes. But you also have the chance to get advanced self-help by supporting other women. That’s true in the Ridiculously Happy Wife group coaching program, that’s true in our Diamond private coaching program, and it’s especially true in Relationship Coach Training and when you’re part of the coaching body.

The communities in those programs are special because the women in them are highly committed. They’ve joined the programs because marriage is a priority to them; they believe that lasting marriages are important, just like you do.

Wherever you are in your relationship journey, even if things seem very dark for you right now, you have wisdom to share, you have empathy and virtual hugs to give, and you have cheering to offer for someone else’s wins, which can become your own wins when you’re part of our special community.

3) Become a Master

Option 3 is the ultimate way to end world divorce: by becoming a certified Laura Doyle Relationship Coach.

That starts with enrolling in Relationship Coach Training, a year-long course where you’re part of a small group of women practicing the 6 Intimacy Skills together at the highest level with the coaches and me.

You also learn our unique coaching methodology to cultivate the emotional safety to have conversations with women who are hurting and scared about their marriages so you create the possibility for breakthroughs and outright miracles.

Being a Relationship Coach and expert on the 6 Intimacy Skills is the best job in the world for what it does for my marriage and how it helps me be my best self. It also feels incredibly purposeful and meaningful to support women in fixing their families.

To end world divorce, we need coaches in every corner of the world.

So my question for you is: Are you with me on the mission to end world divorce?

Are you in?

How will you pay forward what you’ve learned so that you can take your own marriage to the next level? Will you recommend or review a book or a podcast? Join a program or train to become a world-class relationship coach?

And if you’ve already been doing any of those things, as thousands of you have been, then I want to tell you how happy I am that we’re on this mission together. Thank you!

I couldn’t do it without you.

Laura Doyle

Hi! I’m Laura.

I was the perfect wife–until I actually got married. When I tried to tell my husband how to be more romantic, more ambitious, and tidier, he avoided me. I dragged him to marriage counseling and nearly divorced him. I then started talking to women who had what I wanted in their marriages and that’s when I got my miracle. The man who wooed me returned.

I wrote a few books about what I learned and accidentally started a worldwide movement of women who practice The Six Intimacy Skills that lead to having amazing, vibrant relationships. The thing I’m most proud of is my playful, passionate relationship with my hilarious husband John–who has been dressing himself since before I was born.

The post How You Can Help End World Divorce appeared first on Laura Doyle.

You’re 5 Steps Away to a Happier, More Present and Loving Spouse

If you’re begging for attention in a relationship, it is so lonely, demoralizing and even demeaning.

You shouldn’t have to beg for attention from the man you married!

I remember the bad old days when my husband didn’t want to be around me, and they were lousy. Fortunately, I learned a thing or two to turn that around completely.

So if you’re tired of begging for attention from your husband, you are in the right place.

Maybe you’re so ready for the hurting to end that you’re trying to figure out how to stop wanting attention from your husband.

But that never works. Plus, who wants that, really? I sure didn’t like it.

So I’ll raise you.

Here’s how to get more attention from your husband in 5 simple steps.

1) Ditch Conventional “Wisdom”

First of all, kudos to you for doing your research. Just by reading this, you’re well on your way to getting the attention and affection you deserve!

The problem is, much of the advice out there is more of the same. And doing the same old thing will get you, well, more of the same old thing.

Like when I used to do research to find out what was wrong with my husband and then pronounce him “emotionally unavailable.”

Yes, I’m embarrassed to say I actually did that! But I had it on good authority from articles I read that it would help somehow to give my husband a negative label, even though it made me feel even more hopeless. Since what you focus on increases, he only seemed less emotionally available with my “diagnosis.”

Then there were the times I tried to follow conventional wisdom by confronting him about his lack of tenderness, hoping to get a crumb of affection. It sounds like a terrible idea now, because who wants to beg for affection? It’s not very attractive, for one thing.

Around here, we call those “Spouse-Fulfilling Prophecies,” or “SFPs” for short. In my experience, women are powerful manifesters, and what we focus on increases. So focusing on the SFP that “He’s emotionally unavailable” or “He lacks tenderness” will get you more of the same lack of affection–or worse.

2) Say Your Piece–Vulnerably

Ready for a quiz? Which of these statements do you think goes over best with a man?

A) “You completely ignore me when I talk.”
B) “I feel unheard when you use your phone during dinner.”
C) “Let’s make the dinner table a phone-free zone. I love hearing about your day.”

You probably spotted the problem with option A right away: Accusing him of ignoring you is loaded with criticism and blame, which aren’t very connecting but likely to push him further away.

Option B sounds better, right? After all, we always hear that “I” statements are the way to go.

Even the so-called “I” statement, however, is still criticizing him for using his phone and making you feel unheard.

Option C probably sounds the best because it’s so positive. But let’s take a closer look at “let’s.” Hmm, on second thought this is actually telling him what to do. You might as well say, “Quit using your phone and talk to me!” Which is pretty controlling. Which makes it just as disrespectful as the other two statements.

If your respect radar wasn’t so finely tuned to spot that inappropriate control, you’re in good company–mine wasn’t either. That’s why I was so puzzled as to why my husband kept retreating even further even though I was using all the “I” statements in the world.

Here’s what actually worked for me…

Getting vulnerable with a real “I” statement, as in “I miss you.”

There’s no control or criticism in sight with those three simple words. They are so powerful that students around here end up hearing the same words from him!

Here’s something else you won’t hear from some pandering experts, who counsel, “Remember that it isn’t you.”

If it’s not you and you’re just at the mercy of his whims, then that leaves you… a victim. Not much you can do about that. Now, what I’m about to say here may not be very palatable, but it is very empowering: It could be you, at least in part.

At least that’s what I and thousands of students here have found.

If your husband is withdrawn, keeps fighting with you, or there’s an all-out cold war, something else could be getting in the way of the affection and connection you want.

To pull out the big guns to end the war–and this one is big–try apologizing for being disrespectful. Shoot, this will melt not only a cold war but iciness in the bedroom too, as I share in “The Best Aphrodisiac for Men.”

Finally, it’s also vulnerable to express affection yourself. Maybe even a peck on the cheek before he leaves for work or a lingering touch when he pays you a compliment is outside your comfort zone and thus vulnerable.

Little things turn out to be big things–smiling more, sharing more hugs with your kids or others, hiding little notes for your husband about why you love him–in creating an aura of affection in your home.

3) Appreciate His Subtle Side

Gisel’s husband became distant, started talking divorce, and quit sleeping with her. He not only moved to the guest room, he barricaded the door.

Well, Gisel is nobody’s victim, that’s for sure. She knew that respect had gone missing in her marriage, so she decided to boost her practice of that Skill by combining it with the most powerful Intimacy Skill of all: gratitude.

Still, she didn’t see much progress in her marriage, as her husband was still talking about getting his own apartment.

Gisel was surprised to find she didn’t fall into Needless Emotional Turmoil about it much. She felt genuinely grateful, and dignified. In fact, she felt so empowered about the way she was behaving with her husband that she observed, “I’m not so sure the Skills will save my marriage, but they are saving me!”

Then, in the middle of a devastatingly honest conversation, right as she was feeling their whole marriage falling apart and they sat in the painful silence that the marriage could be over, she did something unheard of.

She told him why she respected him. Talk about vulnerable.

The silence must have been unbearable, as he listened and didn’t say a word.

Then he came to her and made love to her. He even fell asleep in their bed that night and asked if she wanted him to sleep with her the night after that.

Now Gisel has changed her tune too: “I know the skills are saving me, and I’m astonished to say that they are saving my marriage too.”

Clearly, what she’s focusing on is increasing!

How could you applaud your husband’s unique love language? What strong points of his could you express gratitude for? Even if he hasn’t been showing you attention overtly, has he done so in subtle ways, such as picking up your dry cleaning even when you didn’t ask for it or doing the dishes when he knows you’ve had a hard day?

4) Give Him a Little Eye Candy

You should not have to jump through hoops to get your man’s attention.

I’m sure you didn’t have to when you first met. You probably didn’t have to make much effort back then at all because the gender contrast was already set to high, which is part of what made the attraction so intense and exciting.

When a woman shifts into controlling or pursuing her man, however, which is natural when he seems less interested and she gets scared, the gender contrast lessens and he tends to take less initiative sexually and even in general.

Because men and women are opposites, and heterosexual men are attracted to women, the higher the gender contrast, the more attraction there will be. Men are attracted to the feminine essence of a woman: her feminine shape, spirit, scent and sensuality.

If wearing something that makes you feel sexy helps you feel feminine, it’s easier for him to read your availability signals. Heck, he might not even notice that you tried a different hairstyle or eyeliner style, but if it helps you feel more sensual, that’s what counts.

And trust me, he will notice that.

5) Find Your Happy Place

Gisel knows a secret that goes a long way toward dialing up the gender contrast.

She was having the kind of day where it seems impossible to find your happy place. She had her hands extra full, with both her child and her dog sick, but she was determined to enjoy herself as much as she could. She found a way to enjoy taking care of her sick kid, she watched a movie with all of her kids and even built Legos.

When her husband came home, she easily could have unloaded on him, full of complaints about what a miserable day she’d had. Instead, she was genuinely happy to see him. He responded in kind, opening up to her about his work.

He had not touched her in days, but this is when something magical happened: He wanted to dance salsa with her. The touching didn’t stop with dancing either–he patted her butt and squeezed her boobs.

Delighted and sweaty, Gisel headed for the shower, but he still couldn’t seem to stay away from her. He came into the bathroom and brushed his teeth while she was showering. This is the same man who had been locking the bathroom door and when he wanted to come out and heard her on the stairs would close the door again and wait until she was gone.

Gisel turned that around through filling up on self-care, increasing her magnetism to the point that she is irresistible to her husband. She went to bed that night with even more self-care, listening to The Empowered Wife podcast, playing games on her phone and celebrating her wins with her Coach Training tribe.

How could you fill your self-care tank?

Would some meditation or yoga, reading or a long walk re-energize you?

For some vital social self-care, having your own tribe to turn to lets you come back to your marriage as your happiest self. If you don’t have a tribe yet, there’s one waiting for you in the Ridiculously Happy Wife program. Or, if you’re just getting started, you’ll find a terrific launch pad for the marriage-transforming journey ahead in the free Adored Wife Facebook group.

Having a group of like-minded women goes a long way toward rewiring your mindset when negative thoughts creep in too.

Now that you have these five simple steps to getting the attention you deserve, which will you try first?

Laura Doyle

Hi! I’m Laura.

I was the perfect wife–until I actually got married. When I tried to tell my husband how to be more romantic, more ambitious, and tidier, he avoided me. I dragged him to marriage counseling and nearly divorced him. I then started talking to women who had what I wanted in their marriages and that’s when I got my miracle. The man who wooed me returned.

I wrote a few books about what I learned and accidentally started a worldwide movement of women who practice The Six Intimacy Skills that lead to having amazing, vibrant relationships. The thing I’m most proud of is my playful, passionate relationship with my hilarious husband John–who has been dressing himself since before I was born.

The post Tired of Begging for Attention from Husband appeared first on Laura Doyle.

Use These Powerful Words to Get Your Husband’s Full Attention

Effective communication in marriage can be elusive. If you’ve already tried communicating the way a psychologist, YouTuber, or even your husband suggested, only to end up fighting anyway, it is so frustrating!

Whatever types of communication in marriage you’ve tried, if you’re still feeling unheard, that’s a pretty lonely place to be. It’s easy to feel hopeless–and baffled.

What are the keys to good communication? And what causes lack of communication in marriage in the first place?

These are questions I asked myself when I could not communicate in a way my husband could hear. Forget about the deep talks or appreciation I longed for–I couldn’t even get help with the trash!

After trying everything but nothing was working, I was amazed when I finally did find some solutions! I just didn’t have the right information back then.

If you’re looking for marriage communication exercises that work, you’re in the right place. Here are 5 keys to communication in marriage so you can finally feel heard and get the attention you deserve.

1) Beware of This Word

What’s the common denominator in these statements:

“You don’t hear me.”
“I feel hurt when you don’t listen.”
“We need to learn to communicate better.”
“I feel unheard.”
“Is something wrong?”

One way or another, they all contain a “you.” Whether it’s hidden in the “we” (you and I) or is unspoken (“I feel unheard [by you]” or “Is something wrong [with you]?”), these phrases all point over to his side of the street.

Around here, we call that being on his paper, even though we were all rightfully schooled to keep our eyes on our own paper.

Don’t we need to go there sometimes though?

That’s what I thought too.

“This time it will be different,” I’d tell myself. This time I’d get him to see my point of view, get the resolution and validation I craved, maybe show him the error of his ways while I was at it. Yet no matter how gently I’d point to his paper, I got the same result every time: loss of the very connection I was hoping to gain.

That’s because, no matter how nicely I tried to put it, I was criticizing or trying to control him.

It sounds obvious now but took me a while to figure out: Men don’t like to be criticized or controlled. No one does.

So, if you’re ready to change that old dance, the word to prune from your vocabulary is “you.”

2) Try This Sexy Phrase Instead

A great way to practice speaking from your own paper is to say what you want. That might be a huge stretch if you’ve been trying with all your might to be a good wife by doing everything he wants.

Or if, like so many of us, you’ve had the “I want” trained out of you, even as a child.

As both a good daughter and a good wife, I knew I shouldn’t talk about what I wanted.

I thought it was supposed to be my husband’s department to figure out what I wanted, even if I didn’t know what it was myself.

Turns out, my husband isn’t much of a mind reader.

And it left me feeling pretty resentful going without while he did whatever he darn well pleased, which usually did not involve me. No wonder since I was trying to control my way into getting what I wanted by getting all over his paper with phrases like “We should…” (renovate, go to counseling, go on vacation).

Telling my man what he should do, as if I were his mother, wasn’t very appealing (unfortunately for our sex life).

A phrase that turned out to be way sexier was: “I would love…”

As long as I filled in the blank with an end result on my paper. Not couples’ counseling, for example, which would be trying to get him to do something. Renovating, on the other hand, is completely on my paper.

I expressed that desire in a way that inspired, to the point that we’re now renovating inside and out, adding a pool and all.

There are two important exceptions to avoiding the word “you,” however…

3) Revive the Forgotten Side of Communication

When you hear the word “communication,” what comes to mind?

For many of us, it’s talking. Even though we know that communication is a two-way street, it’s easy to take the listening part for granted.

As The Better Health Channel points out, “we can say a lot without speaking.”

What is it that your listening skills are communicating?

If, while he’s talking, you’re preparing your rebuttal, this can come across loud and clear before you say a single word.

The word he’s reading on your face is “disrespect.”

And the one thing men need most in a relationship is respect.

If you’re ready to up your respect quotient and become a superstar listener, here’s a magical phrase for you: “I hear you.”

It can be challenging, even scary, to rely on this phrase if you’re anything like I was, used to giving your two cents, problem-solving, or making “helpful” suggestions.

But, once they get over the discomfort of leaving such controlling responses behind, most women feel relieved just being able to listen without agreeing or disagreeing.

Mirroring such listening skills is a great way to get your husband to listen too.

That was Lena’s experience, even though her husband had left her and their children. He became quiet and withdrawn for weeks, but she committed to staying off his paper. He then started opening up to her, when she had several opportunities to say simply “I hear you.”

She expressed her desire too: “I want to feel really safe.”

It seemed he was already on board as he explained: “That’s why I’ve been trying to get the farm and move us north and be self-sufficient.”

Lena said she saw walls come down that never had before.

She went a step further and expressed another desire: “I would love to be close to the men in our family.”

Now her magical listening words came out of her husband’s mouth: “I hear you–now is a good time to be around people you trust.”

There’s something about hearing the words “I hear you” back from your man that can make you feel truly heard.

As her husband went on to share intricate details about soil fertility and cost comparison per square acre, Lena just listened, again saying “I hear you” and “I trust you. You always do your research. I trust whatever decision you make.”

She then excitedly shared her vision of her being in gum boots on a truffle farm.

That’s when her supposedly separated husband went straight inside and skipped his work to spend the rest of the afternoon on the computer. Three hours later, he told her he’d found an acre with perfect growing conditions for truffles.

4) Get Grateful

Everyday communication can be a lot more mundane than truffle foraging. Like when the trash can is overflowing and he seems oblivious even though that’s supposed to be his department.

In the bad old days, I could not figure out how to get my husband to take out the trash or do anything else to help around the house, a major source of conflict. It was so frustrating!

I would say things just like, “I would really like it if you could take out the trash today, John.” He would resist mightily and I would be resentful, and he would be withdrawn and the trash would smell, or I’d take it out myself and be even more resentful. Then that would come out sideways and I’d have a full-on ugly rage at him and then the inevitable emotional hangover from that rage.

Instead of taking the direct route of asking him to take it out, it seems gentler to hint that the trash can is full. Sounds innocent enough, right?

Not if the goal is to have an empty trash can and a playful, passionate relationship.

That’s because if your husband is the primary trash taker outter, the subtext of hinting that the trash is full is: “You didn’t take out the trash again, Mr. Lazy Pants.” In other words, it’s a complaint.

The problem with complaining is that you have your manifester pointed to the thing you don’t want to be experiencing, like an overflowing trash can. Since what you focus on increases, complaining, even if it’s buttoned up and said in a nice tone of voice, just insures that you’re going to experience more of the same, which in this case is overflowing trash cans.

What if instead of observing that the trash can was full, you caught him doing something good?

So when the bin is empty you could say, “I notice the trash can is empty again! Thanks!” Wouldn’t that also be a true statement? The subtext here is “I see how you contributed to cleaning our house.”

These days, my husband takes out the trash so much that I rarely even notice it being full, not to mention him always cleaning the kitchen, charging the car, and lots of other stuff to lighten my load.

In fact, in thinking about this topic, I just told him, “I’m so happy and grateful you always take out the trash and I never even think about it.”

He replied, “I better check on it now to make sure it’s empty in case you want to throw something away.” So he did, but it was already three-quarters empty. So nothing to do there.

Even if I said “I would like it if you could take out the trash today, Mr. Lazy Pants,” I have a lot of emotional safety in the bank around here because I don’t usually say things like that. So maybe it would be okay and he’d take it out. I don’t know.

What I do know is that I feel better and happier focusing on how good I have it than I do focusing on what he didn’t do that I think he should have. And I like myself more when I hear gratitude coming out of my mouth than poorly disguised complaints.

He responds to me so much better too.

5) Baby Yourself

If you’re already feeling resentful or exhausted, depleted or overwhelmed, communication experiments like expressing gratitude may be too tall an order.

No matter how great your intentions, if you’re deeply irritated with your man, it’s only human that it’s eventually going to come across. At least, that’s how it is for me. I’m not Gandhi over here.

When the world starts to look dark, the best thing for my communication is to press the pause button. Sometimes the best way to communicate is not to communicate.

When I get exhausted or overwhelmed, it’s too hard to be my best self!

That’s when I think of my inner child. But not in the deep, spiritual way you might be thinking.

I’m actually thinking of a sleepy child within. I mean, everyone knows that naps are vital to a baby’s well-being. Missing a child’s sleep window strikes fear into any parent’s heart because it spells crankiness, guaranteed. Naps are so indispensable that sleep training is now a $325 million industry.

Sure, we’re older now but not always wiser. So try taking a cue from your cranky inner child: Take a nap or a time out.

Romp to marvel at the tallness of trees. Lie on the grass to gaze at the clouds.

However you choose to play, filling your self-care tank is the indispensable first step to intimacy. That’s why it’s way preferable to pick up the phone to vent to a like-minded girlfriend so you don’t have to spew onto your husband.

Showing up to a conversation happy is attractive. It signals that the water’s safe, so he can jump in, open up and share more with you.

Becoming responsible for your own happiness also fortifies you to swim right past any bait he may throw at you. After all, he’s a mere mortal too.

Now that you have these five communication keys in hand, which will you try first?

Laura Doyle

Hi! I’m Laura.

I was the perfect wife–until I actually got married. When I tried to tell my husband how to be more romantic, more ambitious, and tidier, he avoided me. I dragged him to marriage counseling and nearly divorced him. I then started talking to women who had what I wanted in their marriages and that’s when I got my miracle. The man who wooed me returned.

I wrote a few books about what I learned and accidentally started a worldwide movement of women who practice The Six Intimacy Skills that lead to having amazing, vibrant relationships. The thing I’m most proud of is my playful, passionate relationship with my hilarious husband John–who has been dressing himself since before I was born.

The post 5 Keys to Communication in Marriage appeared first on Laura Doyle.

4 Tips to Win Over Your Overbearing In-Laws

Over 60% of women reported that their relationship with their mother-in-law caused lasting stress and unhappiness. Even more of them–two-thirds–”believed that their husband’s mother frequently exhibited jealous, maternal love towards their sons,” according to one study.

No wonder it’s so hard and painful when parents interfere in marriage.

You might even feel, as some sources say, that your intrusive in-laws “are dangerous” because “they either endanger the marriage, impede its growth, or divert it into other directions.”

In-laws’ interference in marriage is so well documented that it’s not unusual to see titles like “How to Stop Hating Your In-Laws,” which asserts that “every mom clashes with her in-laws.”

If this is all starting to sound pretty bleak, like there’s no alternative but to resign yourself to this hopeless state of affairs, you’re not alone. It is easy to feel hopeless if your husband’s family is ruining your marriage.

But does that have to be the case?

If you’re ready for some good news on how to deal with extended family in marriage (finally!), here are four ways to win over your overbearing in-laws.

1) Say “I Can’t”…

It’s all about boundaries.

Right?

Maybe that’s what you’d expect to hear because you hear it everywhere. But there’s a problem with trying to get someone else to respect your boundaries.

If your mother-in-law makes your kid eat every last bite of the food on his plate, for example, and you’re not a fan of force-feeding because you want your child to have a healthy relationship with food, of course you can kindly request that she do things your way.

But you can’t make her. That’s because you can’t control another person. You can only control yourself.

Of course, you could exert control by refusing to allow the kids ever to visit her again. But if you’re reading this article about how to improve relations with your in-laws, that’s probably not what you had in mind.

I invite you to give this some thought instead: What are your limits, based on what you can control?

Maybe those limits include staying at the family BBQ no more than two hours then having an exit plan so you can do your thing. Or leaving the room when your in-laws start debating politics and you don’t want to get triggered. Or not caving when your mother-in-law keeps trying to fill your plate a third time.

Honoring such limits by saying “I can’t” to anything that would make you resentful or cost you self-care can be scary if you don’t want to rock the boat.

But in my experience, pushing through those fears is a beautiful thing: It’s self-honoring, which teaches others how to treat you too. And, in doing the scary thing, you get to show vulnerability. While casting aside people-pleasing seems like it would cost you intimacy, instead it creates even more connection.

2) …But He Can

As you already know, you can’t control your husband either. Including in his relationship with his parents.

Which can be uncomfortable. If you’ve ever felt jealous of your mother-in-law, you’re not alone!

That is a normal human response if he drives all the way to her house to spend the afternoon fixing her toilet when your own home needs so much work. Or if he takes the day off to be her plus-one to the holiday gala for her work. Or if you feel like a third wheel while she gives him a shoulder rub as you endure their action movie.

It’s natural to want to bring to his attention that some of these behaviors are not normal or healthy, certainly not for your marriage.

If you’ve tried that route, how did it go? Chances are, it pushed him further away, making him less likely to give YOU the massage you’re craving or take care of the home improvements on your list.

So, if trying to control him has not served you either, are you ready to try a different approach? Even if it sounds crazy?

Because this next part is not for women who are faint of heart. Only the courageous will ever try this experiment.

What is it, you ask?

Enter Experiment RC: Relinquishing Control.

What if you just acted like you accepted his relationship with his mom, even if it’s unhealthy or seems to interfere with your own relationship with him?

Why do such a crazy thing?

You’ve already tried the other way and if it’s not getting you what you want, what can it hurt to try a new strategy?

Relinquishing control of your husband conveys your respect for his choices. That respect can cause him to evaluate his choices in a new light instead of defending himself against your criticism. He might suddenly see what you’ve been seeing all along and decide to make a change for himself.

Or maybe he’ll just be relieved and feel more emotional safety in not having to fight off your disapproval and drop the defensiveness that made him seem hostile or mean.

Most of all, it means you can stop wasting energy on something you can’t control anyway and start using that energy on something more gratifying, even if it’s just playing on your phone or watching your favorite series.

If that sounds too good to be true, that’s what I thought too! But I was amazed at how much this one scary act of accepting my husband’s relationship with my in-laws changed everything.

3) Stop MIL Bashing

If you manage to be that respectful toward your husband, congratulations! You’re going a long way toward creating intimacy, which sure comes in handy to face the in-laws as a team. If you manage to show respect to them too, biting your tongue even when they get to be a bit much, you get bonus intimacy points.

You’re probably feeling pretty dignified by this point, as you should be!

And ready to dish because now you’ve stored up this whole log of their infractions you managed to keep to yourself. This should make for one juicy car ride home!

I can’t wait to hear it myself, but let’s hit the pause button here for a minute.

How has venting to him about his family gone for you in the past?

Everybody knows that male bashing isn’t very nice. Is MIL bashing any different?

I’m embarrassed to admit that it took me a long time to realize that being disrespectful to my husband’s loved ones was disrespectful to him by extension.

I’ve never been a fan of him saying nasty things about my beloved family members. (Even if I said them myself!)

When Cassandra quit complaining about her MIL to her husband, he looked relieved, like he was breathing freer with all the oxygen in the air. Cassandra took it a step further and started reporting only the good things about her MIL, like how much they bonded while spending hours together chatting and enjoying the MIL’s cooking.

He was so happy to see his wife happy.

Cassandra’s happiness was so magnetic that he wanted to pile on even more. That’s when things got juicy, for real!

Sacrificing a little gossip was totally worth it.

Gossiping with her own family about her husband and MIL, on the other hand, seemed harmless enough. That is, until they started badmouthing her loved ones, and she wondered why they couldn’t be more supportive of her marriage. That’s when she saw her part in poisoning those relationships.

Leaving behind the “harmless” gossip was so connecting that, next thing she knew, her mom was inviting her mother-in-law on vacation! Her Intimacy Skills were healing the whole family.

That’s why the next experiment is to stop male bashing and MIL bashing, with any family member.

4) Experiment with Gratitude

Catherine was convinced that the root of her marital problems with her stressed-out, depressed workaholic husband was–you guessed it–her in-laws. Especially her father-in-law, who put so much pressure on his son in the family business.

Then she became convinced of something else: that her ways of dealing with this dynamic were not serving any of them. Her attempts to intervene and point out the problem somehow only seemed to make it worse.

She was hyper-focused on the dysfunction, and boy was it increasing.

So she tried the gratitude experiment, which included shifting her focus now that she saw that what she focused on increased.

Finding opportunities to express her thanks became so natural that this was literally her gift to her father-in-law. She prepared a message of love and gratitude for his birthday, which she vulnerably read in front of the whole family.

She reported her experiment results as a miracle: “He’s a good guy when I’m looking for the good. Sometimes that’s a more miraculous transformation than with my husband.”

Now that you have these five tools for healing with your husband’s family, which will you try first?

I can’t wait to hear the results of your experiments in the comments!

Laura Doyle

Hi! I’m Laura.

I was the perfect wife–until I actually got married. When I tried to tell my husband how to be more romantic, more ambitious, and tidier, he avoided me. I dragged him to marriage counseling and nearly divorced him. I then started talking to women who had what I wanted in their marriages and that’s when I got my miracle. The man who wooed me returned.

I wrote a few books about what I learned and accidentally started a worldwide movement of women who practice The Six Intimacy Skills that lead to having amazing, vibrant relationships. The thing I’m most proud of is my playful, passionate relationship with my hilarious husband John–who has been dressing himself since before I was born.

The post Family Interference in Marriage appeared first on Laura Doyle.

4 Simple Things to Restore that May Have Gone Missing

If you’re going through a separation, infidelity, or the threat of divorce, your world feels like it’s falling apart.

There’s nothing more painful than finding out there’s another woman or hearing the D word.

It’s a shock that is both heart-wrenching and gut-wrenching.

How can you make your husband miss you badly? How do you get your husband to notice you sexually?

Especially when he’ll barely give you the time of day?

If you want to know how to make your husband fall in love with you again after separation, cheating, or him asking for a divorce, you’re in the right place.

Here are four surefire ways to singlehandedly make your husband fall in love with you all over again, even if it seems hopeless right now.

1) Give Him Space

When Lizbeth’s husband said he wanted a divorce, she was terrified. What could she do to make him change his mind?

She had some ideas…

A. Ask him to give her more time
B. Ask him to go to marriage counseling
C. Promise him she would change
D. Nothing

The answer was D: Nothing.

She could not make him do anything. She knew that she could not control him. So she decided to relinquish control completely.

But who knew how sneaky inappropriate control could be!

From giving him disapproving looks to saying “We need to go to counseling.” I mean, who wouldn’t say that when faced with your marriage falling apart?

Yet somehow Lizbeth managed to quit worrying about what he was doing or not doing, quit trying to get him to do anything. Instead, she focused on herself, with the discipline of a student keeping her eyes on her own test paper at school.

The results were ridiculous.

They had dinner together for the first time in months, and he stayed the night. She said that they did a 180–and that it happened in just one week!

2) Cancel the State-of-the-Union Talks

If you’re not sure whether there’s hope for your marriage, it’s tempting to want to know what he thinks. If only you had the vital information of whether he thinks there’s hope. Or what his intentions are.

Right?

When Barb’s husband said, “It’s hard for me to see us together in the future,” she certainly had the urge for a state-of-the-union talk.

She’d flown out to see him for the weekend and they had a ten-hour drive ahead of them, the perfect opportunity for a big talk!

But Barb knew that asking him questions like what he wanted was letting her eyes wander onto his paper, back in control territory.

She set aside her urge for a big talk, managed to stay off his paper, and–get this–decided to show up as her best, happiest self.

Things turned around in unexpected ways.

He surprised her with a nice stay in a fancy hotel. He kept asking what she wanted to do and what she wanted to see. He got her a first-class seat on her plane ride home. When she mentioned that she wanted a new computer, he suggested they go buy one immediately.

But they were too busy enjoying physical intimacy to leave!

Let me tell you a secret, the same one I told Barb.

As the wife, you are the keeper of your relationship. So, regardless of what he may be saying he wants right now, the far more important piece of information is what you want.

He said “I do” to you, right? If he changed his mind once, he can change it again.

3) Start with a Clean Slate

Yanira’s husband was asking for a divorce every single day. Her own mother told her to face reality: that she would be getting a divorce. Her husband already had his bag packed. Yanira was crying and begging, even trying to block the door.

She wasn’t feeling very dignified. Plus, she could see that her desperation was not serving her or making him want to stay.

Clearly, she was willing to go to any length to save her marriage. So she did something big.

She uttered these words to her husband: “I apologize for being disrespectful for the past ten years, when I controlled your parenting, what to say and what to eat.”

He didn’t know what to make of that because in the past when they’d had those unfortunate state-of-the-union talks, she always told him what he was doing wrong and how to change it.

But it didn’t matter that now she seemed to be making his head spin faster than in The Exorcist.

In fact, it was a good thing.

After she cleaned up her side of the street, not only did he step up to parent their kids and help with their homework (unlike when she was trying to control his parenting), divorce threats became a thing of the past.

Now others actually ask Yanira, “Why is your marriage so intimate?”!

With the hurtful things your husband has said, chances are, he owes you an apology. Maybe you’ve tried to get him to show some accountability and it’s not working. At all.

Or even if it does and he mumbles a “sorry,” that doesn’t quite cut it for you.

If you really want mutual respect in your relationship, why not be the bigger person and restore respect yourself?

It’s not so much about why he may feel disrespected (where the focus is back on him) but how you feel you’ve controlled or criticized, dismissed or demeaned him. (Yup, this is yet another opportunity to get out of control land by keeping the focus on yourself.)

When you’re ready to make your man’s head spin, try this magic phrase: “I apologize for being disrespectful when I _________.” Then fill in the blank with something specific.

Then leave it at that, no explanation needed. Because now you’re clean.

4) Let’s Give Him Something to Talk About

Okay, so if you’re not indulging in state-of-the-union talks, what are you supposed to talk about?

I’m all about communication.

Preferably less communication.

At least if you’re anything like I was, someone who communicated wayyyyyy too much. Especially when it came to my favorite topics: complaining about what I didn’t have, telling him what he was doing wrong, and trying to get him to do it right.

As an outspoken woman, I thought I was doing things right, yet somehow I kept getting further and further away from the connection I really wanted.

The first communication tool I needed was a big ol’ roll of duct tape. To slap some over my mouth (figuratively, of course)!

It might as well have been literally stuck to my lips though, considering how uncomfortable it was for me.

As I pushed through the discomfort, something strange happened. My husband started talking to me more. A lot more.

Seems I was creating a safe space for him to want to open up and share with me. Just like I’d always wanted!

(I had communicated that too but to no avail. My husband was like Will Ferrell’s character in The Shrink Next Door, who says, “I have to talk about my feelings, but my main feeling is I don’t wanna.”)

Something I didn’t wanna talk much about before this whole new approach was appreciation for my man. That would have been out of character since I thought he was a big Loser Pants.

Now that I saw that my complaints and demands weren’t getting me any closer to what I wanted, I tried a very new tack: gratitude.

I expressed my thanks for everything, big and small, past and present, from him taking out the trash (even if he let it pile up far beyond my liking) to being a hard worker (even if he really should ask for a raise). I kept those latter parts to myself, obviously.

And I was so glad I did.

I found that gratitude is way more motivating than all my old complaints, criticisms, and demands combined!

As I caught him doing something good and let him know how much it meant to me, my man’s hero gene was reignited and now he was looking for more ways to please me. And giving me even more things to express gratitude for!

Sure enough, I had plenty to say after all.

5) Love Thyself as Thy Best Self

When Yanira started noticing the signs your husband hates you, she could have easily succumbed to self-loathing.

To think of all she had done to be a good wife, only to be faced with divorce. That would be demoralizing for anyone.

To get out of the NET (Needless Emotional Turmoil) she was ensnared in, she turned to self-care instead. She got serious about lounging and reading, doing yoga and breathwork, and taking cold showers (this is her list of what made her happy). She took a speed reading course she’d always wanted to do, went to a pottery class, and even tried to find a glass blowing class.

She also did something that she had never done before but was calling to her: soap making. She YouTubed and ordered supplies by day then, “in those lonely nights,” she says, “I made amazing creative soaps.”

Somehow, the NET subsided. Even with all the emotion she’d been going through, she didn’t have to be exhausted and overwhelmed anymore because she was taking such good care of herself.

And her magnetism increased. Seeing his wife pleasable made her husband want to pile on even more to make her happy. And be around her more and more (without mentioning the D word again).

What fills you up and makes you happy?

Imagine ditching the teary guilt trip and showing up as the lighthearted, fun woman who attracted him in the first place. Talk about changing the dance. I bet that woman was pretty irresistible.

Now that you know the five ways to get him to love you again, which will you experiment with first?

Laura Doyle

Hi! I’m Laura.

I was the perfect wife–until I actually got married. When I tried to tell my husband how to be more romantic, more ambitious, and tidier, he avoided me. I dragged him to marriage counseling and nearly divorced him. I then started talking to women who had what I wanted in their marriages and that’s when I got my miracle. The man who wooed me returned.

I wrote a few books about what I learned and accidentally started a worldwide movement of women who practice The Six Intimacy Skills that lead to having amazing, vibrant relationships. The thing I’m most proud of is my playful, passionate relationship with my hilarious husband John–who has been dressing himself since before I was born.

The post How to Get Your Husband to Love You Again appeared first on Laura Doyle.

True Stories of How They Got Him Back for Good

If your husband cheated and left you, it’s one of the most heart-wrenching things anyone can go through. When the man who vowed to love you for better or worse betrays you, it affects your self-esteem, your health, your family, every aspect of your life.

No one deserves to be treated like that.

If you’ve been through the most devastating kind of betrayal, what now? A lot of people will tell you it’s time to give up on your marriage.

But if you’re reading this, there must be some part of you that still wants to make it work.

The question is: How are you supposed to do that, especially if your husband is living with another woman?

You’d like to know if your husband will regret leaving for another woman. And, if so, when will he realize that?

Maybe he’s saying he is done, he’s not in love with you anymore and there’s no changing his mind. Ouch! You shouldn’t have to hear things like that from your man. It’s enough to make anyone feel hopeless and ready to give up.

Kudos to you for not giving up. Because as the wife, the keeper of your relationship, you have enormous power to turn things around, in my experience.

Here’s what to do when your husband abandons you, how to get him back after he leaves you.

And it’s not what you think.

1) Find and Keep Your Dignity

When the pain is fresh, every fiber of your being probably wants to cry out, “How could you do this to me?”

He deserves a guilt trip, big time.

You would be well within your rights to send him on that trip. I wouldn’t blame you a bit.

There’s one question that’s worth asking first: How would it serve you?

Chances are, even if it doesn’t look like it, he’s in pain himself. It’s not very dignified to hurt the woman you vowed to love.

What if you were to remain dignified yourself?

That’s what Misha did when she caught her husband in the act. In that moment of unspeakable pain and shock, Misha did the unthinkable.

She pulled her husband aside in the bathroom. With the other woman still lying in bed in the next room, Misha asked, not “How could you,” but “Do you not love me anymore?”

That wasn’t the problem.

“Okay,” she said, “Come home.”

Misha says that things couldn’t be more different now. Gone are the days of disconnect and disinterest, when they were like passing ships in the night. Now they actively spend time together, and she feels so supported. He even got a job at her same company so they could move overseas where she wanted to be.

Letting him deal with the shame himself grants him life lessons, not wife lessons. You not acting like his teacher or his mother, not criticizing or correcting or trying to control, is probably the most surprising thing you could do.

And the most respectful. Which is super attractive because respect is like oxygen for men.

2) Starve Her of Oxygen

Speaking of oxygen, if you’re like most of us mere mortal women, you’re probably giving oxygen to the last thing you want to think about: the other woman.

Who is she? Where did they do it and when and how many times? What does she look like? What does she have that you don’t?

Again, it’s worth considering how it would serve you to get such answers.

Especially since what you focus on increases.

Increasing this woman’s presence in your lives is surely the last thing you want.

What if you were to take an entirely unexpected approach and ignore her completely?

That’s what Misha did, starting the moment she found out about this woman and ignored her presence just next door. The other woman (or “OW,” as we call it around here) disappeared. For good.

3) Find Your Power and Use It

Just as with the questions “How could you do this to me” and “Who is she,” it’s natural to want to turn to him for answers about where the relationship went wrong.

Especially if you’re blindsided by this whole thing. Many wives think that things are going okay until something like this happens.

It’s a wakeup call no one wants. Maybe you’re so desperate to save your marriage that you are willing to make it right, if only you knew what “it” was.

The problem with turning to him for this information on what needs fixing is that it’s over on his side of the street. In my experience, empowerment resides on my side of the street, and it starts with me knowing and admitting what I wish I’d done differently

The times I’ve said “sorry” because I didn’t like my husband’s reaction and wanted to make nice, not because I was actually remorseful, only made the tension worse.

But wait a minute. He’s the one who got caught, not you. He’s the one who owes an apology.

That’s true.

But if you’ve ever tried making him show accountability, you already know it’s pretty unproductive. Maybe he obliged, but his apology wasn’t very satisfying because you had to ask for it. Or maybe, like Kendra’s husband, he just got annoyed with you, making matters even worse.

As frustrating as that was, Kendra saw how undignified her own response had been, which is only human when she found a video of her man having sex with another woman. While she obviously couldn’t make him take accountability, she could be the bigger person and show such accountability herself.

She cleaned up her side of the street, using the anatomy of an apology I share in “How to Bring Back that Lovin’ Feeling.”

Her unexpected response led to unexpected results.

Her husband did show that accountability she had longed for. He broke it off with the other woman, blocked her on social media, and never spoke to her again. He quit going out until 5:00 in the morning.

Almost a year later, he again expressed remorse for how he had cost them in their marriage, along with his appreciation for Kendra being so strong when he was at his worst.

4) First, Fall Completely Apart

If you’ve just had a bombshell dropped on you, it’s pretty impossible to feel strong right now.

You don’t have to be strong. I bet you’ve been strong enough, carrying things for a long time.

You don’t have to suck it up. As Jung wisely said, “What you resist persists,” so I invite you to give your feelings their day in the sun. You probably don’t need any help getting the tears flowing, but listening to sad songs and even angry songs can be cathartic.

Venting to well-meaning friends and family, who will naturally want to protect you and may have a hard time ever forgiving him, can be dangerous when you want to save your marriage, or at least keep that option open for now. So is being alone at a time when you most need support. There’s nothing like having a community of like-minded women who will support your desire for your marriage.

That kind of social self-care goes a long way when you don’t know if you can ever forgive him yourself.

That’s what Becca wondered after her husband cheated. How could she ever trust him again?

Becca didn’t know whether she was capable of all that, but she found a simple practice she was capable of doing.

She scheduled three self-care activities every single day. Things that filled her up, made her feel better, and allowed her to feel happy even at her saddest time. She listened to music she hadn’t heard in a long time, took long bubble baths, and did basic things like making sure she got enough sleep every night. (Being her best self without feeling like the walking dead was hard enough.)

If she wasn’t working or sleeping, she was doing self-care. She filled the freezer with meals for her teenagers and stopped cooking. Basically, she did what she wanted. She was gone all the time, shopping, seeing movies, taking craft classes, eating out, going to the park or the lake, and visiting friends.

One day, Becca suddenly felt a release of the hurt and resentment she’d been carrying.

Taking care of herself in these simple ways turned out to be a way of taking care of herself emotionally too.

Becoming responsible for her own happiness also allowed her to receive all the ways her husband started piling on to her happiness, as if it were contagious.

He started crashing her self-care, trying to find her, like the time he found her sitting at a bar having a drink. Then he started asking her to do things with him, like going out in his boat with him. Then he invited her on trips, lots of trips.

5) Prepare for a Breakthrough You May Not Have Imagined

If you’re like most women, you may be afraid that, even if you decide to move forward, you’ll always be looking over your shoulder, wondering what he’s up to, waiting for the other shoe to drop.

In other words, you worry that your marriage will be forever sullied. After such heartbreak and pain, that’s a common concern. And it can hold you back from wanting to save your relationship, thinking it will always be third-rate.

Your marriage will be different, yes, but in my experience, again it’s not how you might think.

Misha’s, Kendra’s, and Becca’s unexpected responses to infidelity brought about unexpected results. In fact, their dark time was the breakdown before the breakthrough.

What lay on the other side of that breakdown was more connection than before. Even your sex life changes, often for the better.

Another student, Mindy, is yet another example of the breakdown before the breakthrough. Shortly after the arrival of their newborn baby, her husband confessed to an affair. She felt dumb, naive, and heartbroken.

Yet she didn’t berate him or even talk to him much about it, not feeling the need to remind him of it. She starved it of oxygen and focused on the evidence that he is a good husband who loves her.

What she focused on increased too.

Today, she says that the new normal is feeling like they’re in love, like when they were dating. Shortly after she started this approach, her husband told her that he felt butterflies when he kissed her.

She was about to attend one of her coaching calls, getting the kind of support that empowered her to become her best self, watching a show on the couch with him when he said, “Why don’t you just cancel your meeting and hug me forever?”

Some students on our campus have even expressed gratitude for their husband’s affair because it’s what brought them here, where they got to become their best selves and learn the secrets of loving and being loved in return.

Now that’s unexpected.

What unconventional steps will you take to have your breakthrough?

Laura Doyle

Hi! I’m Laura.

I was the perfect wife–until I actually got married. When I tried to tell my husband how to be more romantic, more ambitious, and tidier, he avoided me. I dragged him to marriage counseling and nearly divorced him. I then started talking to women who had what I wanted in their marriages and that’s when I got my miracle. The man who wooed me returned.

I wrote a few books about what I learned and accidentally started a worldwide movement of women who practice The Six Intimacy Skills that lead to having amazing, vibrant relationships. The thing I’m most proud of is my playful, passionate relationship with my hilarious husband John–who has been dressing himself since before I was born.

The post Do Husbands Come Back after Leaving for Another Woman? appeared first on Laura Doyle.

6 Ways to Breed Mutual Support (without Becoming His Mother)

Whoever came up with the whole “for better or for worse” idea… must have been single.

Kidding! You know I’m pro-marriage, but even I admit that it can be maddening.

When things are going smoothly, no problemo. There’s nothing better!

But throw in some kids, financial strain, family illness or special needs, a midlife crisis… well, things get messy, and before you know it you’ve lost the connection you once had.

That is a lonely place to be.

It’s especially bewildering to see your spouse suffering through challenges himself and not know what to do. When my husband was struggling both mentally and financially, I did all I could to help. I just couldn’t understand why he was pushing me away even further.

If you’ve already done all you can to be a good wife, only to feel more disconnected, you know how frustrating that is.

So how are you supposed to be supportive when your partner is stressed or depressed? How can you support your partner emotionally, whatever he may be going through, especially when he only contradicts you when you try to build him up? That’s exhausting and frustrating. Does that sound familiar?

If you recognize these signs of an unsupportive partner, you might wonder if he’ll ever be strong enough to be your support. Are you just supposed to keep giving and giving, when you’re already wrung dry yourself?

It’s tough to know exactly how to deal with an unsupportive partner.

If you could use some mutual support, here are six surprising ways to be supportive to a man and create more connection while you’re at it (without becoming his mother).

1) See if You’re Being Too Helpful

Caution: You might want to sit down while you read this part.

The whole notion that he needs your help is a big intimacy killer.

I know, I know. Husband and wife uniting as one means we’re supposed to help him any way we can. Right?

That’s what I thought too. No one had taught me that taking on responsibility for my husband meant that I was not expecting the best outcome. If I know that you are capable and competent, I don’t feel the need to “help” you.

There’s nothing sexier to a man–no, it’s not the Victoria’s Secret ad that just popped up in your brain–than knowing that his wife knows that he is capable and responsible. Expecting the best in him is super respectful. And the number one thing a man wants from the woman he loves is her respect.

Acting like you’re his mother, on the other hand, is not so sexy.

I had no idea that being “helpful” in wife language translates to “controlling” in husband language. Or that my husband is allergic to control.

Or that my control is rooted in fear. If your man is stressed or depressed or angry, it’s frightening. It’s also natural to do whatever you can to mitigate that so you and your family don’t pay the price.

Here’s what I’ve learned the hard way: you can’t control another person. And the real price I paid came from trying to control him anyway. I had no idea that trying to manage his moods is manipulative and was costing me the very intimacy I longed for, but it did.

A big tenet on our campus is that you are the expert on your own life, so only you know what’s best for you, which is why my coaches don’t give advice. They share their experience and ask powerful questions to guide you to your own answers. Students report that this dynamic alone feels empowering.

What if you treated your husband as the expert on his life? Someone who doesn’t need rescuing, fixing, improving, correcting or teaching. Someone who will find the best solutions when given the space to do so. Maybe you just let him mope for a while, as a show of your faith that he’ll figure it out for himself.

Men have a way of rising to the challenge when treated this way.

2) Receive, receive, receive

You may be asking: “But what about the golden rule?” I know that I want help! Isn’t it only fair to give him what I would want myself?

This assumes that men and women are the same, which, embarrassingly, I believed in the bad old days too.

Come to find out, women are built to receive in every way. Physically, of course, receiving brings us pleasure. But it’s also our birthright to receive gifts, help, compliments and special treatment.

Men, on the other hand, are wired with a hero gene. Making a woman happy brings him pleasure.

Grasping this difference in male culture blew my mind because I thought it was my job to do things for him. Or at least keep the score even.

Shifting to receiving graciously was a stretch for Yulka too. When her husband wanted to buy season tickets for the two of them, she was not crazy about spending that kind of money to sit around watching baseball, especially with everything that needed to be done around the house!

She chose to trust his thinking and receive his gift anyway.

Little did she know that this choice would have even more gifts coming her way.

When she went to her first game with him, he was so attentive, picking out special seats for her to avoid the stairs and be near the restroom. He bought her all the food he knew she would like.

She could see that he was really pleased, and for her, it was so relaxing–and surprisingly romantic. “It’s totally wonderful,” she gushed. “He doesn’t look at his phone. He talks to me the whole time.” One of their first dates had been at this very stadium, and so was their vow renewal.

Receiving his romantic gesture had the most surprising effect back at home. After her worries that there wasn’t enough time to waste at all these games, he found time to tile their kitchen. Just a few days after baseball season started, he got to work installing the kitchen backsplash that had been left undone the past four years. He finished within weeks.

In contrast, a couple years earlier Yulka did not trust her husband to get things done, so she called a plumber to fix the sump pump. Her husband, who had said he was going to take care of it, came home and asked for a divorce.

3) Ask Not What You Can Do for Him

Now, what if he’s asking you to do things to support him, like help find his wallet or give him his vitamins?

Not doing for him what he could do for himself is respectful, which, as you know, is connecting (and sexy). But if you don’t do as he asks, won’t he get upset, and won’t that cost you intimacy?

Around here, we call that “bait.” If you are changing the old dance in your relationship, it can throw him off, and he may try to engage you in the behavior he’s used to. In my experience, resisting the bait may rock the boat short-term but creates greater intimacy in the long run.

That’s not to say that you can’t do anything kind for your man. Maybe you are in the mood to make him breakfast, with no strings attached or expectation he’ll spend time with you at the table.

As a general practice though, resigning from the roles of his nutritionist, secretary, financial advisor, wardrobe consultant, key finder, and fitness trainer not only frees you to live your own life but frees him to take more initiative himself.

Vicky was scared to resign as her husband’s alarm clock because his extensive napping put him at risk of oversleeping for work, where just a few tardies could mean being fired.

She decided to trust that he was capable of waking himself up and getting to work on time. Unfortunately, he overslept and did lose his job.

Vicky could have let him have it, but she didn’t. He got to have life lessons, not wife lessons.

And he never got fired for tardiness again.

Not only that, he started taking initiative in all sorts of areas she’d never expected, from making the time to do the dishes before he left for work to doing the kids’ bath and bedtime whenever he was home to increasing their prosperity like never before.

When Vicky let go of having to take care of her husband, she felt so taken care of. And that made them both really happy.

4) Become a Great Conversationalist

Treating your man with respect makes him want to be around you more, talk to you more often, share more deeply and make love to you more passionately.

Often the most respectful thing you can do is to be there for him by just listening without trying to fix or solve.

Marjorie’s husband kept waking up in the middle of night anxious about things from his childhood. She let him know she was available, even in the middle of the night, and would be happy to listen.

Sure enough, at 4:00 in the morning, he cuddled up, cried and shared with her. The next morning, he said he felt so much better.

Marjorie said she felt so loved. It had been a long time since she could be a safe place for her husband to turn and open up.

Who knew that learning to be a good listener would foster the deep talks she had always wanted.

5) Use Your Voice for Good

If you get out of the business of helping your husband and become a safe listening space for him, does that mean you’re supposed to become a mute?

Of course not! He didn’t marry you to have a Stepford wife.

I bet he was drawn to a woman who had things to say.

If that doesn’t feel like the case anymore, perhaps the most powerful way to use your voice is to express gratitude.

Letting him know how much you appreciate him being a great provider or how taken care of you feel because he always takes out the garbage can go a long way toward making him feel successful as a man. Not to mention that seeing you pleasable makes him want to do even more to please you!

This goes even if he throws out bait that sounds like he can’t handle something, whether finding the dog shampoo or paying the mortgage.

If you want to experiment with not helping or rescuing him, why not send the message that you trust him to take care of the situation? Saying something like “I’m so glad you’re taking care of that for us” reminds him that he’s responsible now and that you’re grateful.

He’ll hear a powerful subtext: “You’ve got this.”

(Which is a great thing to say out loud too!)

6) Let Him Support You

Just as you want to be supportive to your husband, don’t forget to give him the opportunity to save the day for you.

Do you need something picked up across town at rush hour?

Are you nervous about the presentation you’re doing at work?

Or maybe you just want to take a bath without kids interrupting?

Letting your husband be your hero can go a long way toward showing that you rely on him too, and that he serves a vital purpose in your life, which can be the best support of all. Turning toward each other strengthens connection and lowers stress hormones, and while it’s counterintuitive, that includes you being the one who needs support sometimes too.

You may feel he’s already too burdened and that needing anything is only going to make matters worse.

But you might be surprised how much confidence he feels when he’s able to solve one of your challenges. Showing your vulnerability is a great way to show that you see his strength too.

Now that you have all these tools for creating a culture of true mutual support, what will you experiment with this week? Receiving? Resigning as his mother or any other roles? Expressing your gratitude or sharing your challenges?

I can’t wait to hear how it serves you!

Laura Doyle

Hi! I’m Laura.

I was the perfect wife–until I actually got married. When I tried to tell my husband how to be more romantic, more ambitious, and tidier, he avoided me. I dragged him to marriage counseling and nearly divorced him. I then started talking to women who had what I wanted in their marriages and that’s when I got my miracle. The man who wooed me returned.

I wrote a few books about what I learned and accidentally started a worldwide movement of women who practice The Six Intimacy Skills that lead to having amazing, vibrant relationships. The thing I’m most proud of is my playful, passionate relationship with my hilarious husband John–who has been dressing himself since before I was born.

The post How to Be Supportive in a Relationship appeared first on Laura Doyle.

4 Simple Things to Restore that May Have Gone Missing

If you’re going through a separation, infidelity, or the threat of divorce, your world feels like it’s falling apart.

There’s nothing more painful than finding out there’s another woman or hearing the D word.

It’s a shock that is both heart-wrenching and gut-wrenching.

How can you make your husband miss you badly? How do you get your husband to notice you sexually?

Especially when he’ll barely give you the time of day?

If you want to know how to make your husband fall in love with you again after separation, cheating, or him asking for a divorce, you’re in the right place.

Here are four surefire ways to singlehandedly make your husband fall in love with you all over again, even if it seems hopeless right now.

1) Give Him Space

When Lizbeth’s husband said he wanted a divorce, she was terrified.  What could she do to make him change his mind? 

She had some ideas…

• Ask him to give her more time
• Ask him to go to marriage counseling
• Promise him she would change
• Nothing

The answer was D: Nothing.

She could not make him do anything.  She knew that she could not control him.  So she decided to relinquish control completely.  

But who knew how sneaky inappropriate control could be!  

From giving him disapproving looks to saying “We need to go to counseling.”  I mean, who wouldn’t say that when faced with your marriage falling apart?

Yet somehow Lizbeth managed to quit worrying about what he was doing or not doing, quit trying to get him to do anything.  Instead, she focused on herself, with the discipline of a student keeping her eyes on her own test paper at school.

The results were ridiculous.  

They had dinner together for the first time in months, and he stayed the night.  She said that they did a 180–and that it happened in just one week!

2) Cancel the State-of-the-Union Talks

If you’re not sure whether there’s hope for your marriage, it’s tempting to want to know what he thinks.  If only you had the vital information of whether he thinks there’s hope.  Or what his intentions are.

Right?

When Barb’s husband said, “It’s hard for me to see us together in the future,” she certainly had the urge for a state-of-the-union talk.  

She’d flown out to see him for the weekend and they had a ten-hour drive ahead of them, the perfect opportunity for a big talk! 

But Barb knew that asking him questions like what he wanted was letting her eyes wander onto his paper, back in control territory.

She set aside her urge for a big talk, managed to stay off his paper, and–get this–decided to show up as her best, happiest self.  

Things turned around in unexpected ways.

He surprised her with a nice stay in a fancy hotel.  He kept asking what she wanted to do and what she wanted to see.  He got her a first-class seat on her plane ride home.  When she mentioned that she wanted a new computer, he suggested they go buy one immediately.  

But they were too busy enjoying physical intimacy to leave! 

Let me tell you a secret, the same one I told Barb.  

As the wife, you are the keeper of your relationship.  So, regardless of what he may be saying he wants right now, the far more important piece of information is what you want.

He said “I do” to you, right?  If he changed his mind once, he can change it again.

3) Start with a Clean Slate

Yanira’s husband was asking for a divorce every single day.  Her own mother told her to face reality: that she would be getting a divorce.  Her husband already had his bag packed.  Yanira was crying and begging, even trying to block the door.

She wasn’t feeling very dignified.  Plus, she could see that her desperation was not serving her or making him want to stay.  

Clearly, she was willing to go to any length to save her marriage.  So she did something big.

She uttered these words to her husband: “I apologize for being disrespectful for the past ten years, when I controlled your parenting, what to say and what to eat.” 

He didn’t know what to make of that because in the past when they’d had those unfortunate state-of-the-union talks, she always told him what he was doing wrong and how to change it.

But it didn’t matter that now she seemed to be making his head spin faster than in The Exorcist.

In fact, it was a good thing.

After she cleaned up her side of the street, not only did he step up to parent their kids and help with their homework (unlike when she was trying to control his parenting), divorce threats became a thing of the past.  

Now others actually ask Yanira, “Why is your marriage so intimate?”!

With the hurtful things your husband has said, chances are, he owes you an apology.  Maybe you’ve tried to get him to show some accountability and it’s not working.  At all.  

Or even if it does and he mumbles a “sorry,” that doesn’t quite cut it for you.

If you really want mutual respect in your relationship, why not be the bigger person and restore respect yourself? 

It’s not so much about why he may feel disrespected (where the focus is back on him) but how you feel you’ve controlled or criticized, dismissed or demeaned him.  (Yup, this is yet another opportunity to get out of control land by keeping the focus on yourself.)

When you’re ready to make your man’s head spin, try this magic phrase: “I apologize for being disrespectful when I _________.”  Then fill in the blank with something specific.  

Then leave it at that, no explanation needed.  Because now you’re clean.

4) Let’s Give Him Something to Talk About

Okay, so if you’re not indulging in state-of-the-union talks, what are you supposed to talk about?

I’m all about communication.

Preferably less communication.  

At least if you’re anything like I was, someone who communicated wayyyyyy too much.  Especially when it came to my favorite topics: complaining about what I didn’t have, telling him what he was doing wrong, and trying to get him to do it right.

As an outspoken woman, I thought I was doing things right, yet somehow I kept getting further and further away from the connection I really wanted.

The first communication tool I needed was a big ol’ roll of duct tape.  To slap some over my mouth (figuratively, of course)!

It might as well have been literally stuck to my lips though, considering how uncomfortable it was for me.

As I pushed through the discomfort, something strange happened.  My husband started talking to me more.  A lot more.

Seems I was creating a safe space for him to want to open up and share with me.  Just like I’d always wanted!  

(I had communicated that too but to no avail.  My husband was like Will Ferrell’s character in The Shrink Next Door, who says, “I have to talk about my feelings, but my main feeling is I don’t wanna.”)

Something I didn’t wanna talk much about before this whole new approach was appreciation for my man.  That would have been out of character since I thought he was a big Loser Pants. 

Now that I saw that my complaints and demands weren’t getting me any closer to what I wanted, I tried a very new tack: gratitude.

I expressed my thanks for everything, big and small, past and present, from him taking out the trash (even if he let it pile up far beyond my liking) to being a hard worker (even if he really should ask for a raise).  I kept those latter parts to myself, obviously.

And I was so glad I did.

I found that gratitude is way more motivating than all my old complaints, criticisms, and demands combined!

As I caught him doing something good and let him know how much it meant to me, my man’s hero gene was reignited and now he was looking for more ways to please me.  And giving me even more things to express gratitude for!

Sure enough, I had plenty to say after all.

5) Love Thyself as Thy Best Self

When Yanira started noticing the signs your husband hates you, she could have easily succumbed to self-loathing.

To think of all she had done to be a good wife, only to be faced with divorce.  That would be demoralizing for anyone.

To get out of the NET (Needless Emotional Turmoil) she was ensnared in, she turned to self-care instead.  She got serious about lounging and reading, doing yoga and breathwork, and taking cold showers (this is her list of what made her happy).  She took a speed reading course she’d always wanted to do, went to a pottery class, and even tried to find a glass blowing class.  

She also did something that she had never done before but was calling to her: soap making.  She YouTubed and ordered supplies by day then, “in those lonely nights,” she says, “I made amazing creative soaps.”

Somehow, the NET subsided.  Even with all the emotion she’d been going through, she didn’t have to be exhausted and overwhelmed anymore because she was taking such good care of herself.

And her magnetism increased.  Seeing his wife pleasable made her husband want to pile on even more to make her happy.  And be around her more and more (without mentioning the D word again).

What fills you up and makes you happy?  

Imagine ditching the teary guilt trip and showing up as the lighthearted, fun woman who attracted him in the first place.  Talk about changing the dance.  I bet that woman was pretty irresistible.

Now that you know the five ways to get him to love you again, which will you experiment with first?

Laura Doyle

Hi! I’m Laura.

I was the perfect wife–until I actually got married. When I tried to tell my husband how to be more romantic, more ambitious, and tidier, he avoided me. I dragged him to marriage counseling and nearly divorced him. I then started talking to women who had what I wanted in their marriages and that’s when I got my miracle. The man who wooed me returned.

I wrote a few books about what I learned and accidentally started a worldwide movement of women who practice The Six Intimacy Skills that lead to having amazing, vibrant relationships. The thing I’m most proud of is my playful, passionate relationship with my hilarious husband John–who has been dressing himself since before I was born.

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