From Arguing to Happily-Ever-After
Becky, Laura Doyle Certified Coach
At age 37, I met the man I would marry. We dated briefly before he proposed, and I figured I had nothing to lose. I was hoping for happily-ever-after and preparing for the worst at the same time.
My happily-ever-after never arrived, but the worst did. My insecurities and fears took control. Early on, I felt lost, hurt, and alone. We argued all the time and immediately grew painfully apart. I was regretting marriage altogether.
Since I did not trust him, I controlled everything: chores, bills, finances, cooking, and practically all the decisions in our household. I felt overworked, taken for granted, and depleted.
I lost myself completely.
Occasional good moments gave me glimpses of hope. Then, in record time, we would be back to arguments and recurring threats of divorce.
I felt stuck. Even though it appeared that we didn’t stand a chance, I did not want to end my marriage until I knew I had tried everything possible!
Here’s what actually worked to stop the fighting and bring about my happily-ever-after. Click To Tweet
I thought I was doing the right things, but it turns out that I wasn’t.
I discovered the book The Surrendered Wife after a few marriage counseling sessions. I couldn’t put it down. I could not believe that it spelled out what I was doing wrong. I was controlling! That was hard to swallow.
I finally found what I could do to fix my marriage. I got excited and motivated to practice the 6 Intimacy Skills™ as I read what could become possible in our marriage. I reread sections and started to take small steps. It was the beginning of my new hopeful journey.
But it seemed easier said than done. By now, my husband was also tired of the arguing and the lifeless marriage. He decided to study abroad. How could I possibly work on our marriage and have lasting progress with him gone?
I hit my lowest point and became painfully withdrawn from life.
I felt guilt and shame for choosing a broken marriage while he seemed to be pulling away. I isolated, facing my struggles alone. During our long-distance calls, I was often angry and accusatory, pushing him further away.
Defeated and broken, I was convinced that our marriage was over.
That same week, a beloved cousin under my care became seriously ill and, sadly, passed away. I felt overwhelming grief from all angles. I was resigned to pick up the shattered pieces of my life alone.
My breakthrough to finding myself began when I decided my life was worth living and acted accordingly.
I found peace and healing by focusing on my well-being, moment to moment. I shifted from fears to faith since the worst had already happened and I had survived.
One month into putting myself back together, my husband called and asked if I would consider continuing with our marriage. I was at a crossroads: I was getting my life together for me, and now he wanted to come back?!
My heart beat so fast as I realized that I had been given one more chance to right my wrongs. I wanted my marriage and said yes once more. This time, I was not planning for the worst.
He moved back home, but it felt like we were two strangers living under the same roof. Even after knowing what I needed to do right, I messed up over and over again. Again, I let the feelings of betrayal and hurt lead me astray.
After getting sick and tired of the same old feelings, I finally jumped in with both feet to practice the Intimacy Skills to save my marriage and live in peace.
The Skills helped me focus back on me, regardless of the outcome in my marriage.
I finally started to see lasting and positive changes in both of us. I started to let go of all the responsibility, fear, and control that were no longer serving me. Now I worked on what I really had control over: me!
I finally embraced that self-care was truly the way to relinquish control and make myself happy. When fear and or mistrust threatened to overshadow my gains, I would slow down and reconnect with the Skills.
Then came the opportunity to attend the Cherished for Life Weekend. There, I heard inspiring stories of real women and their journeys back to a cherished marriage.
But I quickly realized that my marital challenges did not have an easy fix. I had to be consistent in my surrendering to reach happy-ever-after.
So I focused on creating safety, regaining my husband’s trust by being consistent in practicing the Skills. Even as I improved, he claimed my behavior was manipulative and still did not trust my actions or my words. I practiced my program anyway. Where I was once part of the problem, I was now going to be part of the solution.
I knew I needed to apologize for all my control and disrespect in our relationship. Apologizing was not easy, but it was crucial.
The following month was the happiest of my married life!
During Coach Training, our positive changes continued. Coach Training was my happy-wife (and happy-me) training. I learned to rest, honor others, and be me!
I no longer felt alone during my challenges. I now belonged to a connected and supportive community of women who had suffered long enough, just like me. And they were my inspiration for the change that I now knew was possible.
These women celebrated me in my wins, stood for my greatness, and shared how they overcame their own struggles. I am so thankful for this support and for the Skills.
Today, I am reaching new levels of intimacy and peace in my marriage effortlessly. Every day I continue to see more possibilities for creating lasting healing and happiness.
Today, I celebrate that I chose an amazing, smart, funny, generous provider and loving partner I can count on. I know with all my heart that he cares about me, my happiness, and our marriage.
Today, I only wish I hadn’t gone through all those hurtful years and instead could have enjoyed a more intimate, passionate, and connected relationship from the beginning.
Today, I can humbly share my journey of powerful and dynamic personal transformation because of the Skills. Now I can support and inspire other women as they journey to restore their marriages and enjoy their best lives.
I am so glad I said yes to me when I signed up for coach training that day. My life-changing investment continues to pay off, and there is no looking back.
You too can have this kind of life-changing experience. You don’t have to do it alone, and you don’t have to wait any longer. I invite you to say yes to you.
That was the most important step in my journey–the first one.
What You Can Do when It’s His Fault
Kathy Murray, Certified Master Relationship Coach
My husband and I fought about everything all the time.
Every day I told him what to wear, what to do professionally and around the house. I controlled all the money–how we spent it and invested. I would even redo the laundry he had folded or the way he’d set up the online banking because I didn’t think he had done it right.
He responded by shouting. Our home was tense and volatile, but I was sure that if Doug would only see things my way we could save our marriage.
I started going to therapy, where I would complain about how much I resented him because he never took initiative. I was exhausted from working full time, managing the household budget, and raising four children and my husband too!
There was so much distance between us that we slept in separate bedrooms. I was lonely, unhappy and devastated by the thought of a second divorce, but I also felt powerless to fix things.
I thought our failing marriage was entirely my husband’s fault, just like I believed that my first divorce was entirely my first husband’s fault.
It turns out I did have the power to save my marriage--and even to make it blissful again. Click To Tweet
One night, I was complaining about Doug to my girlfriend–again–when she shocked me by saying, “Either shut up or else get a divorce.”
I was devastated. I booked a flight to visit my mother. I knew she would listen, and she would know what I should do.
I brought some books with me. One of them was The Surrendered Wife. Upon reading that book, I felt ashamed and embarrassed. For the first time, I realized that I was responsible for my failed marriages.
It was very painful. I sobbed that night and all the next day. I felt that Laura Doyle understood my pain because she had made the same mistakes and still saved her marriage.
But under my pain, I felt a glimmer of hope.
When I returned, I decided to experiment. When Doug asked which cell phone service plan to pick, I said, “Whatever you think.” Those were completely foreign words to me, but I wanted to test the principles I’d read in Laura’s book, so I just said what she suggested.
My husband was nervous because he was sure he would blow it and hear about it from me later, so he asked again, “No, really–what should I do?”
I said, “Whatever you think. I trust you to make that decision.”
That night we crawled into bed together for the first time in months, and Doug said, “Boy, you have been so nice tonight.”
Tears rolled down my cheeks as I thought, “Oh my gosh! This works!” I felt like I turned my marriage around in one night. That was in 2001. I fired my therapist and hired Laura Doyle for coaching instead.
I let go of how my husband managed his life, the kids and chores, and I started taking better care of myself. I even handed over the chore of managing the finances, which my husband took on because he wanted to please me.
Soon we were blissfully happy again–just like when we’d met. He surprises me with presents and romantic trips. And this is as our 27th anniversary approaches!
It seemed so simple once I learned the 6 Intimacy Skills™.
If you feel like you are in charge or you’re lonely or you can’t figure out why your husband no longer pays attention to you, I certainly know what that’s like. I had a blind spot worth uncovering to restore the intimacy in my marriage.
What made all the difference was investing in myself, seeking support and surrounding myself with a group of like-minded women. Now I’m on a journey to end world divorce.
What can you do differently this week, even if your relationship problems seem to be his fault? I’d love to hear in the comments below.
How I Got a Second Chance at True Intimacy
Darlene, Laura Doyle Certified Coach
In 2000, I was blessed with a second chance: a do-over with Jay, my first love and the father of my only child.
Jay and I had not seen each other or even spoken for almost 20 long years. Somehow, neither of us had married or had other children. When we reconnected, we knew that our love story was one that only God could have written, so this time around we wanted to make it official! We got married and became a family for the very first time.
Although we were so committed to making this renewed love work, as with every relationship, life started to challenge us with bumps on the road and the obstacles that come with marriage and family.
I wish I could say that love conquers all, but I had lived through enough to understand that I had to embrace a new way of thinking and being if I wanted the relationship to work this time.
The problem was, I wasn’t sure what that “new way” looked like.
Fortunately, I discovered just in time exactly how to have a passionate and peaceful relationship. Click To Tweet
As always, I found out just when I needed to. I heard a woman on TV being interviewed by Katie Couric. Her name was Laura Doyle, and she had written a book called The Surrendered Wife. I sat up in bed, scribbled down the title, and listened intently as she described her marriage. I could not believe it sounded exactly like mine.
Who was this woman? What were these Intimacy SkillsImage may be NSFW. Clik here to view.?
I had to know. I knew that I wanted the intimate, passionate, and peaceful relationship she was talking about, but I was a strong, independent woman.
Did I really want to “surrender”?
I purchased the book immediately. As I read it, I laughed, I cried, I related to every word.
Then I realized that surrendering was not at all what I had envisioned. I thought I’d have to give up who I was to make my husband happy. Instead, the Intimacy Skills would help me become my best self, and surrendering was actually a beautiful gift I could give to this man I loved.
I also realized that I had been controlling and manipulative to get my way. I wasn’t thrilled to learn that, but I was willing to do what it took to change it.
I started honoring my husband and his choices, even if I did not always agree with them. I made sure that I acknowledged him when he did something for me, no matter how small.
Expressing appreciation became my new favorite thing.
I learned how important respect was to my husband and why practicing it is vital to a healthy, happy relationship.
The better I got at the Skills, the better our marriage became. I saw results immediately through his love.
I started to understand our differences and embrace my husband in all his manliness. His quiet strength was part of what made me feel safe and taken care of. I came to admire him for being a take-charge guy who never compromised who he was because someone might not agree with him.
As I learned to be vulnerable with Jay, I got an unexpected result of surrendering: feeling very feminine!
I had a new softness about me that was attractive. Vulnerability was my new normal. Since I’d spent my life as a self-professed tomboy, this was something new for me–and I loved it!
I also loved that our silliness was back and that I felt like a schoolgirl around him again.
I knew pretty quickly that this was the “new way” I had been looking for.
After years of surrendering, along came our grandson in 2007. How could such a small bundle of joy throw a monkey wrench in my surrendering?
I quickly learned how life circumstances, whatever they may be, can change things and throw you off course.
I had gone into “Mom Mom” mode and started taking over again. It wasn’t long before my husband made it very clear that I did not need to teach him how to be a grandfather!
He was right. How did I know how to be a grandfather? That was his job to figure out.
It was frustrating to realize that he still felt controlled. So back to The Surrendered Wife to try to figure it out on my own.
At that time, there was no Laura Doyle coaching organization. Laura had simply written a book based on her own marriage and research, never expecting that it would become a New York Times bestseller or that thousands of women would reach out for her help.
Since I did not have a support group or a coach to lean on, it was hard to practice the Skills! I kept failing. For example, I’d try to be “helpful” by putting the mortgage payment on the counter instead of reminding him that it was due or cleaning up his garage myself instead of telling him it was a hot mess. I couldn’t understand why he kept retreating, leaving me feeling sad and lonely.
Fortunately, that soon changed. After my 12 years as a surrendered wife, Laura created a support system where women could now benefit from coaching. I joined nine other wives training with Laura to become a Laura Doyle Certified Relationship Coach.
All my mistakes now serve as teaching tools for other women. As a coach, I get to guide a woman through her blind spots since I was once there. What a delight to share what is possible when all she feels is hopeless. It’s rewarding when a client has an aha moment and realizes that her “helpful” is really controlling.
I’m honored when I get to witness another woman’s transformation and stand by her side as she uses the the 6 Intimacy Skills to become her best self. I’m grateful to be part of Laura Doyle’s mission to end world divorce.
What I have learned through coaching is that all women can have a beautiful marriage if they are committed to learning new skills.
Although such change can be challenging, we don’t have to go it alone. When I finally met Laura Doyle and other like-minded women, I found that they’d experienced many of the same obstacles I had. Having support from women who have been there is like a beacon in the night.
How grateful I am to have this tribe of uplifting women who allow me to be 100% authentic, flaws and all. I finally felt accepted for being in love with my misunderstood husband and willing to work on the tough stuff instead of walking away.
As a coach, I continue to receive coaching, which has made me a better woman all around. I get to choose how I want to show up in the world. My walls have crumbled, and I step forward with vulnerability. I have learned to receive instead of deflect. I let go of expectations and allow others to make their own decisions for their lives, and gratitude keeps me focused on my blessings.
Most importantly, I learned to take care of myself and be responsible for my own happiness. What a wonderful feeling to know that I had the answer all along. The new me inspired my husband to become a better man.
My story took a tragic turn when Jay passed away suddenly at the age of 58.
An unexpected gift I received through surrendering was grief without regret. There was nothing left unsaid or undone. I felt loved, honored and cherished by him, and most importantly I learned how to respect him.
The Skills showed me what is possible in marriage and have given me hope that I will attract love back in my life again. It has now been five years and thanks to becoming a coach, I feel empowered by the Skills and this community to bravely move forward and turn the page.
It’s time to start writing Chapter Two.
3 Mistakes Everyone Seems to Be Making and the Simple Fixes
Some people say quarantining with your family because of COVID-19 can be a wonderful bonding time, but what if it just feels like daily drama and conflict?
You’re not alone.
That’s adding stress when you’re already anxious about Coronavirus, financial losses and adjusting your life to the new normal.
Here are the mistakes that everyone seems to be making during quarantine that can lead to wall-to-wall hostility or a cold war, and the simple fixes that will help you restore the playfulness and passion at your house.
Mistake #1: Not Enough Solitude
If you’ve been asking yourself why you’re so irritable or on edge, lack of solitude may be the sneaky culprit that’s affecting your mood.
Before quarantine you had time alone–maybe at work, on your commute, or when the kids were at school–and now you’re together all the time.
You still need solitude as part of your daily self-care. Without it, everybody you live with is going to get on your very last nerve, especially your spouse. Click To Tweet
You might be thinking it’s impossible to have solitude during quarantine.
It definitely requires some effort to put that structure in place, but it can be done.
Bonnie, one of my students with young children, has established a two-hour mama break in the afternoon every single day.
Every day!
She is vigilant about having that time to herself and has trained everybody in the family that they can’t ask for a snack or even a hug or anything else during those two hours. She uses the time to take a bath, a nap, to read or journal.
She went from feeling ragged and irritable all the time to being the happy, smiling mom and wife she wants to be, all because she gives herself those two magical hours.
If even the idea of taking a timeout makes you feel guilty, think of giving yourself daily solitude as a way of giving the gift of a loving partner and parent to your spouse and kids.
Only happy people have happy relationships. If you’re not making yourself happy, it can cause a lot of extra drama and Needless Emotional Turmoil.
So you wanna ask yourself, how can you carve out some alone time every day as part of the new normal as a way of being a better spouse?
Mistake #2: You Have a Negative Spouse-Fulfilling Prophecy
Now that we’re all so close all the time, your partner’s flaws can seem really glaring, and it’s only natural that you not only notice them but comment on them. So you might be saying to your spouse: “You are such a slob!” Or “You’re drinking too much!” Or “You’re wasting money!”
This is what humans do. I’ve done it! But it didn’t get me what I wanted. At all.
What I was doing was reinforcing something about my husband that I didn’t want to be experiencing. I was affirming the negative behavior–the one that was bugging me.
Here’s the simple fix: Since nobody’s behavior is all black or white, you could decide to focus on what your partner is doing right.
Maybe you are married to a slob, but if you wait to catch him taking his plate to the sink you could say, “You’re so good about cleaning up!” Catching him doing something good and affirming that is one way to have a completely different experience.
It might feel like a stretch, but so what? What you focus on increases. Why not choose your focus about your spouse intentionally to match what you prefer?
My student Sage’s husband drank too much, which had been a source of conflict for them for decades, even leading to a separation. Her unwitting Spouse-Fulfilling Prophecy was “You drink too much.”
She decided she had nothing to lose by trying a Spouse-Fulfilling Prophecy experiment, so she looked for evidence that he was a moderate drinker–even though that felt like a stretch–so she could thank him for it.
She found evidence that he didn’t drink as much as some of their friends and that he never drank and drove, but she was nervous to say it to him.
When she finally did, he looked at her like she finally got him. So she kept it up and now she says his drinking is no longer a problem.
He even says about himself now, “I only drink moderately.” She was amazed to hear her words back to her and see him end his drinking early.
If your man is drinking more to cope with quarantine–or engaging in any other negative behavior–you might want to create a positive Spouse-Fulfilling Prophecy for him instead of a negative one.
People tend to live up to your expectations for them, so why not experiment with expecting the best?
Mistake #3: You’re Being Too Helpful
Coronavirus is scary! There’s disease and death in the news every day and financial insecurity from job loss everywhere.
One of the ways that people cope with fear is by trying to control.
You’re spending so much time together. You’re feeling anxious about everything. That’s a recipe that could cause anybody to become controlling.
The problem is, you don’t feel like you’re being controlling–you feel like you’re being helpful.
You’re just telling your spouse how to cut an onion to help them do it better.
You’re just helping to remind them that they should eat more vegetables or take their vitamins so they’ll be healthier and have better immunity to the virus.
You’re just advising them on how to talk to their boss to be supportive.
You’re just reminding them it’s better to file for unemployment now than to procrastinate.
So there you are being what you see as “helpful” then your partner is defensive and you can’t understand why.
Being “helpful” is just a euphemism for control, and nobody wants to feel controlled.
There’s an underlying criticism when you’re telling your partner how to do something, like they don’t know how to do it themselves or they won’t do a good job.
It’s bound to cause some conflict when your partner thinks you’re criticizing their abilities or judgment.
The cheat phrase that you can rely on if you find yourself falling into this very common temptation to control is the phrase “whatever you think.”
Let’s say your partner is talking out loud about whether they’re going to do a home workout or go for a walk outside and you think they should stay inside. You can demonstrate that you trust them to make good decisions by saying “Whatever you think.”
You might be surprised at how well things turn out when you let him know you trust him.
One of my students, Shelly, decided to kick her control habit when her husband was considering a new job opportunity. She had a history of advising him, or “helping” him decide, which had caused a lot of fights in the past.
This time was different. He was telling her about how a headhunter had found him a job and she wanted to tell him it wasn’t a good idea, but instead she decided just to listen.
When he asked what she thought he should do, she said, “Whatever you think,” even though it was scary. She was amazed that after a few minutes of talking to her about it, he made the decision on his own to turn down the headhunter’s job!
No fighting. No tension. In fact, Shelly felt closer than ever to her husband and relieved of the burden of having to help him make a decision.
Coronavirus can put stress on your marriage. It might even be causing a breakdown, but crisis and opportunity travel together.
This could be the breakdown before the breakthrough in your marriage.
It might be the flashpoint that has you decide to study the 6 Intimacy Skills™ and practice choosing your faith over your fear so you can stop feeling stressed, exhausted and lonely and start feeling desired, taken care of and special.
A few months from now, you may look back and feel happy, accomplished and proud of how you used the time to create the very outcome you intended in your relationship.
Whatever challenges the recent events are bringing you, having a strong community of amazing women standing for your greatness will help you get through them while also being your best self.
I was the perfect wife–until I actually got married. When I tried to tell my husband how to be more romantic, more ambitious, and tidier, he avoided me. I dragged him to marriage counseling and nearly divorced him. I then started talking to women who had what I wanted in their marriages and that’s when I got my miracle. The man who wooed me returned.
I wrote a few books about what I learned and accidentally started a worldwide movement of women who practice The Six Intimacy Skills™ that lead to having amazing, vibrant relationships. The thing I’m most proud of is my playful, passionate relationship with my hilarious husband John–who has been dressing himself since before I was born.
When your husband says he is done or, worse, leaves you, it is devastating.
If he has left and you still love him, it’s easy to feel hopeless. It seems like there’s nothing you can do since he has clearly made his mind up.
But what if the breakdown in your marriage is actually a doorway to a breakthrough?
Here are 4 ways to win back your husband’s heart, no matter what he has said.
1. Delight Yourself at Least 3 Times Today
While it may not seem like it right now, your happiness is his drug.
But if you’re anything like I was when my marriage broke down, you’ve probably forgotten what being ridiculously happy feels like.
Or what made you so playful, joyful, and irresistible back when you attracted your man.
Losing touch with that fun side of yourself kills the intimacy.
So how about trying something different?
Image may be NSFW. Clik here to view.
Put self-care #1 on your agenda. Do what makes you feel most you, whether it’s crossfit, cross-stitching, or just hanging out with your BFFs.
The more frivolous, the better!
When Connie’s husband told her he was no longer attracted to her, she knew divorce was on the horizon.
She took matters into her own hands by becoming the queen of self-care.
Not only did her husband follow suit, taking care of himself and even lowering his blood pressure, he noticed how attractive his wife had suddenly become.
He wanted to spend devotional time together–and sexy time!
She was only hoping he wouldn’t divorce her. But today Connie says it’s hard to believe her marriage is better than it ever was.
It’s no wonder she reignited the spark. Men are visual. When you do things that make you feel good, your smile and open body language show him that your marriage can be playful and passionate again. Nobody wants to get away from that!
2. Get the Magic Words
How did your marriage come to this tipping point? Even if it wasn’t your fault, consider what you can do to make the road ahead smoother.
Make these two words central to your vocabulary: “thank you.” Express gratitude for the little things he does, whether taking out the trash, being affectionate with the kids, or going to work to support the family.
Image may be NSFW. Clik here to view.
Maybe you’ve overlooked everything he does to make you happy because it was so much easier to see all the things he wasn’t doing.
That’s where another vocabulary adjustment comes to the rescue: apologizing for the times you’ve been disrespectful.
Did you dismiss his thinking when he wanted to stock up on ammo for the apocalypse and tell him what a dumb idea that was?
Did you demean him, joking to your friends about having an extra child to take care of?
Did you criticize him for failing at his job search?
Did you try to control him? Maybe you were just trying to be helpful about his diet or asking a leading question about his wardrobe (“You’re wearing that?”) or telling him what you would do about his annoying boss (i.e., the right answer, which he wouldn’t come up with left to his own devices).
Yeah, I didn’t realize those were all forms of disrespect either.
But cleaning up your side of the street by saying “I apologize for being disrespectful when I tried to control your spending” has a way of melting his iciness.
Now that you’ve cleaned your side of the street, do your best to keep it that way.
When you next talk to him, hold back any critical thoughts. Putting him under attack will only drive a bigger wedge between you.
Let him have the floor. When he feels heard, he’ll be more receptive to your verbal and nonverbal cues.
Keep conversations light. Reminisce about old times, share inside jokes or playfully ask him to do something that you did in your courtship days.
Start by changing your internal monologue. Wallowing in self-pity and recrimination only reinforces all the hurtful things you want to say the next time you see him.
Halting that mental loop can seem impossible when you’re feeling so heartbroken. If that’s the case, go back to step 1 and pour on the self-care!
The biggest detriment to taking care of yourself–and to saving your marriage?
Naysayers.
They’re easy to find. Even your well-meaning friends and family may say things like “You deserve better” rather than standing for your vision for your relationship.
Listening to those voices is the surest route to your marriage hitting a dead end.
Image may be NSFW. Clik here to view.
So be extra careful to surround yourself with people who are genuinely rooting for you and your relationship. Try to avoid heart-to-hearts with anyone encouraging you to leave him.
Express to your closest friends your desire to save the marriage. This will remove the negative dialogue in your life.
Join a Facebook group like The Adored Wife (Free!) to fill yourself up with positivity and possibility.
4. Get Back Your Dating Spark
Approach every meeting with him as if it were a date. Get dressed, get flirty and turn on the charm.
Keep non-physical contact short. Texts and phone calls should be a teaser so that he wants to see you even more.
Image may be NSFW. Clik here to view.
When you see him, he loves it when you make him feel like the man. Ask for his help opening the pickle jar or replacing that light bulb.
Restore your physical connection by hugging, hand holding or cuddling. It might feel really vulnerable right now, but a kiss on the cheek or resting your hand on his during conversation shows you’re open to being intimate.
If he’s in the doghouse, break him out. Intimacy in the bedroom is incredibly important to repair a fractured marriage.
When Stella’s husband fell in love with another woman, moved out and asked for a divorce, she was a sobbing mess.
But when he came over, that’s not what he saw.
Instead, she lit up when he walked into the room. She flaunted new lingerie in the kitchen, reaching into the highest cupboard so he’d get a little peepshow.
Before long, he started initiating sex. She was all in. Instead of punishing him and blocking the intimate marriage she wanted, she received his physical affection.
She then started receiving dinners and movies, flowers and cards. And, ultimately, him moving back to their bedroom.
If your marriage feels like it’s falling apart, you might think it’s too late to apply these 4 secrets to winning back his heart.
But when women on our campus find the courage to experiment even when they think it’s completely hopeless, to quote Thomas Wolfe, “Miracles not only happen… they happen all the time.”
I was the perfect wife–until I actually got married. When I tried to tell my husband how to be more romantic, more ambitious, and tidier, he avoided me. I dragged him to marriage counseling and nearly divorced him. I then started talking to women who had what I wanted in their marriages and that’s when I got my miracle. The man who wooed me returned.
I wrote a few books about what I learned and accidentally started a worldwide movement of women who practice The Six Intimacy Skills™ that lead to having amazing, vibrant relationships. The thing I’m most proud of is my playful, passionate relationship with my hilarious husband John–who has been dressing himself since before I was born.
6 Powerful Ways to Stop the Pain, Keep Your Dignity and Restore Hope
When you discover your partner’s infidelity, a horrible sinking feeling washes over you–followed quickly by a wave of denial.
“It can’t be true!” you try to reassure yourself, even as another wave of realization pummels you with the truth: This is actually happening to you even though you never thought it would.
Being the victim of a cheating spouse is a heartbreaking sucker punch to the gut.
It’s also terrifying because if the person you trusted to be faithful to you isn’t, that calls everything into question. What’s the point of anything if the love and commitment you thought you had are a sham?
Your happiness and hope are sucked out as though you’ve crossed paths with a dementor from a Harry Potter book.
Is there really hope that you’ll ever stop feeling like a complete fool and feel desired, taken care of and special again?
Of course there is. I’ve seen it too many times to doubt it.
But I get that it does NOT feel that way today.
As hard as it is when you discover your partner’s infidelity, there’s plenty you can do to speed the healing process and come out with an even better marriage than before.
Really!
These six how-tos will help you come through this challenge with your dignity, your self-respect and a marriage that’s stronger than ever.
1. How to Get Relief from the Pain of Infidelity while Keeping Your Dignity
As a mere mortal woman yourself, you probably want him to hurt.
Of course you do! That’s exactly what happens to humans when we’re so mournfully wounded ourselves.
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Start with the moping. Commit to moping all damn day and don’t let anyone out-mope you.
Next, give your anger its due. Throw things and scream…but not at him.
I’m not saying he doesn’t deserve it. It’s actually you I’m thinking about here. It’s your dignity I’m wanting to protect.
It has likely already taken some hits in this ordeal, and that’s understandable.
But the sooner you can stop saying things to him you might regret later–justified though they may be–the sooner you’ll stop feeling the throbbing pain in your heart.
I’m not saying you have to forgive or forget–not by a long shot.
It’s just that when anger tinged with hurt and fear is in the driver’s seat, you’re likely to end up somewhere you never wanted to go.
You could get there with an emotional hangover too. And for what?
Catharsis! That’s what.
You’re craving relief, which that dangerous conversation with him holds the promise to give you.
Of course you deserve to be heard and seen! That’s important.
And you can get that elsewhere.
You can talk to your mom or sister, bartender or AA sponsor, priest or rabbi, friend or relationship coach.
The distinction between tending to your own emotional needs at this time and punishing him with harsh words is choosing your audience wisely.
In my experience, my emotional well-being suffers when I indulge my desire for revenge by saying nasty things to someone I’m furious with.
It’s a hidden cost that took me years to recognize, but finally I’m able to see how my toxic words just boomerang back to me immediately and painfully, spoiling any fleeting satisfaction from “letting him have it.”
What’s been more satisfying and self-loving is getting what I really need–which is someone to witness my hurt, anger, shock and fear.
If I bare my soul to someone who wasn’t involved, I avoid temptation and get relief without all the unpleasant side effects of inflicting that punishment.
Well, with the exception of one important caveat that I’ll explain momentarily.
These days I’d rather take care of me and my emotional needs with a neutral party than indulge my (human but expensive) desire for revenge, which I now think of as the emotional equivalent of touching a hot stove.
2. How to Speed Up the Healing from Infidelity
Even if only 51% of you is leaning toward trying to save your marriage, you deserve a medal. Truly!
It takes so much courage to do what you’re doing. Many women will never find that courage.
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You might be vacillating.
One minute you fantasize that he’ll come back begging for your forgiveness and telling you it was all his fault, and that he’ll never, ever, ever do it again and that you were always the only one for him, so you can be reunited for good.
The next minute, you envision dramatically telling him he’s lost you forever and walking away for the last time. Imagine the look on his face!
It’s a good thing it’s a woman’s prerogative to change her mind, right?
But here’s something powerful you can do RIGHT NOW to affect the outcome of the crisis you’re in: Decide what your intention is.
Since you’re reading this blog, it seems like your intention is to heal from this betrayal and fix your marriage.
I’m checking because another piece of the healing is to land on a decision, even if you completely change your mind again by 2:30.
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Just for this millisecond, what is your intention with your relationship? Do you want to fix your marriage?
It may feel safer to stay in the murky indecision, but it’s actually prolonging your suffering. Indecision is painful. Mixed energy will keep you miserable. So one thing you can do today is…
Decide.
Then you can decide again later, or tomorrow.
Just decide for right this minute.
Why? Because when you decide, you stop being a victim.
You don’t have to stay in this marriage.
You don’t have to end this marriage.
It’s your decision. Doesn’t that sound good right about now?
Maybe you don’t feel like it’s your decision because he’s forcing your hand saying he’s going to file for divorce or refusing to end the affair.
But that’s on his side of the street.
What’s on yours?
How will you use your formidable influence?
Only you can know what your decision is, and once you acknowledge that decision you become much more powerful.
3. How to Get Rid of the Other Woman
Another thing you can do for faster healing of yourself and your marriage is to starve the other woman of oxygen. This is just a metaphor–I’m not saying you should literally suffocate her (though I can see why you’d want to).
I know it’s tempting to confront the other woman, to let her know what a homewrecker she is and what an idiot to date a married man, and that you’re not blind to what’s going on.
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But all of that works the opposite of how you want it to because what you focus on increases. You’d be giving her oxygen in the form of your attention, your thoughts and your energy, which results in her growing more prominent in your life and your husband’s life.
But how can you ignore her when she seems to be the source of all the suffering you’re enduring now?
It takes some commitment for sure.
But what if acting as if she didn’t exist were the key to ending your own suffering?
That’s what we see on our campus, where women commune to get the encouragement to choose their focus carefully so that they’re having the experience they want to have–not the one they don’t want.
One of my coaches describes how her husband’s mistress was her focus for years before she learned this truth and got the support to follow through with it. She was amazed that the woman completely disappeared from their lives shortly after that.
If you want the other woman completely out of your lives, one powerful thing you can do is stop bringing her up yourself, even to yourself.
She’s just a distraction from your highest priority of making yourself happy, even if you don’t feel like you’ve got much to be happy about right now.
4. How to Avoid the Worst Myths about Surviving Infidelity
You’ll hear advice that you have to stop talking to him.
You might read that step one of recovering from an affair is that he has to end things with his affair partner. Until that happens, you’re stuck waiting around…and it could be a while.
You’ll see “expert” advice that you should separate, kick him out, or even that you have to divorce! Or else you’re not respecting yourself.
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One woman waited six months following a therapist’s advice that there could be no progress until her husband ended his affair, though she felt more powerless and hopeless with each passing month.
When she decided to do what she could on her side of the street, using The Six Intimacy Skills™ and The Connection Framework, she saw incredible progress. Her husband turned toward her and away from his affair partner in just two months, and she regretted that she had wasted those six months.
Wanting to keep your family intact doesn’t make you a fool.
Married people have more and better sex than singles and are at lower risk of suicide.
Even if it’s just because you don’t want to lose status or money or because of the kids, staying married after an affair is a big accomplishment.
I’ve seen enough courageous, committed women fix their marriages after a betrayal to know that it takes more strength and wisdom to stay than it does to end your marriage.
5. How to Get a Mentor to Help You
Did you know there are women who have lived through an affair and made it to the other side with a happy, healthy marriage who are willing to show you exactly what they did to heal from the infidelity?
Their whole job is to guide you, support you and stand for your greatness as you embark on the journey to your own happy, healthy marriage.
These women are called Certified Relationship Coaches, and they are a rare and powerful breed.
No one can identify with your situation quite like she can. And that empathy is something you definitely deserve right now.
Remember I said there’s a caveat about getting things off your chest with a third party like your friends, mom or sister?
Telling the story again and again will help with your healing, but if you tell a friend or relative the terrible things he did to you, it will color their view of the man for a long time to come.
People who love you want to protect you, and down the road they might think reminding you how awful he once was is a good way to do that.
They might even tell you to leave him, even if that’s not what you think is best for your family or for yourself.
That’s why it’s so valuable to have an audience who can empathize and also keep her eye on the ball of healing your marriage–if that’s an option you want to keep open.
Your relationship coach will do all of that.
You don’t want to be alone with this, and you might not want to be relying on well-meaning friends, who may love you to bits but not have the wisdom and experience to advise you.
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A relationship coach stands for your greatness and for your husband’s (even if he doesn’t deserve it right now!). She can help you find your inner wisdom, illustrate the trusty skills she’s learned along the way, and point out blind spots that would otherwise impede your progress.
6. How to Have Hope for Your Future
An overview of infidelity research from the Zur Institute found that most couples survive an affair rather than getting divorced and that most affairs don’t last beyond the falling-in-love phase and are short-term.
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So if it’s your intention to stay married, the odds are in your favor, even if that’s not what he’s saying right now.
You’re the one he married in front of God and everybody. You’re the one he has made a life with and likely has joint property or kids or cats with.
She’s just someone he has on the side.
He can’t marry her because he’s already married to you. And that will start to bother her pretty soon. Especially if he’s not leaving you. Especially if he’s not divorcing you.
She may get shrill about that, for one thing. And that tends to burst the infatuation bubble quickly. The grass doesn’t seem so much greener anymore.
We have a saying about it around here: “A wife with The Connection Framework trumps a mistress every day of the week and twice on Sundays.”
I’ve come to think of affairs as the breakdown before the breakthrough.
It’s an intense pain that’s bringing your attention to this part of your life, the part that’s on fire.
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One of my coaches was describing such a miracle recently when she shared about a student who did get divorced and then wrote months later to let her coach know that they had remarried and were happier than ever. This client talked about how she had learned so much about herself and was a happier person overall.
That’s the kind of thing we witness around here a lot, and it never gets old. It always gives us chills and cause for celebration.
If that can happen for her and for thousands of other students on our campus, why not you too?
I was the perfect wife–until I actually got married. When I tried to tell my husband how to be more romantic, more ambitious, and tidier, he avoided me. I dragged him to marriage counseling and nearly divorced him. I then started talking to women who had what I wanted in their marriages and that’s when I got my miracle. The man who wooed me returned.
I wrote a few books about what I learned and accidentally started a worldwide movement of women who practice The Six Intimacy Skills™ that lead to having amazing, vibrant relationships. The thing I’m most proud of is my playful, passionate relationship with my hilarious husband John–who has been dressing himself since before I was born.
Why the Romance Turned to Resentment and How to Fall in Love Again
I have a nasty confession.
I verbally abused my husband.
There, I said it. I used to get so angry that I just could not control my temper with him.
I know that this doesn’t get talked about much. If your husband is annoying, it’s way easier to focus on his faults than to admit you’re a rageaholic like I was.
Not only was it painful and scary and out of control, something important was lost: my dignity.
Even once I decided to change my fiery ways, however, all I could find was conventional wisdom like “Don’t let your anger build up” or “Become aware of your anger and stop it” or even “Teach him what to do.”
Trust me, I tried that, and it only led to more spectacular fights. And if it were that easy to just stop it, I would have done it already.
Fortunately, there are practical tools that actually work, a set of skills that allows you to become your best self and makes your man easy to get along with too!
So if your spouse is annoying or angering, here are five ways you can trade in the resentment for romance.
1. Give Your Feelings Their Day in the Sun
Bottling your anger is like sticking a cork in a volcano. It’s going to come out one way or the other. When it comes out sideways and your frustration gets directed at, say, his dirty laundry placement, that can ultimately damage the intimacy just as much as a shouting match.
So what are you supposed to do if you want to stop lashing out but know it’s not healthy to stuff your feelings either?
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If you want to increase the connection with your man, why not call a supportive girlfriend to vent instead?
When Sophia’s husband said his midlife crisis, which had put her through hell last year, must be an annual event and he couldn’t be bothered with anything again, she didn’t say a word. Instead, she called her sister and let all her bad words come out there.
She was so glad she hadn’t sacrificed the intimacy because later that day her husband spontaneously joined her for a bike ride. He ran around the whole block in flip flops teaching their son to ride a bike. The endorphins kept flowing as he danced salsa with her in the living room that night–after cooking for her and doing all the dishes, not with grumbling but with joy. True story.
It’s crucial to give your feelings their day in the sun. Maybe journaling lets it out for you, maybe a big ugly cry, maybe thrash metal.
As you get in touch with those feelings, you may notice that beneath the anger there’s always hurt. The latter can be scary to access, much more vulnerable than the power trip of fury.
But uncovering such vulnerability gives you the power to respond instead of react.
Next time that hurt (or anger) comes up with your husband, try simply saying “Ouch!” and leaving the conversation.
When Lily’s husband shook out a sandy blanket in the living room after she’d been cleaning, she saw red at his thoughtlessness. But, knowing there was hurt beneath her anger, she expressed that feeling by saying “ouch”–nothing more–and leaving the room.
As usual (now that she had the Six Intimacy Skills™), her husband came to find her minutes later and said, “I’m sorry for giving you an ouchie. I don’t want to hurt you.”
No cold war. No nursing a grudge for days. The resentment dissipated, just like that. Intimacy was restored effortlessly.
2. Rewind the Tape
Every outburst has a trigger. Beyond what he did, which you can’t control anyway, what was your part in it? Maybe it’s as simple as you just needed a nap. It’s hard to be your best self when you’re exhausted or overwhelmed. Maybe you get irritable if you miss the Zumba class that fills you with joy every time.
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Once you know what makes you susceptible to reacting, you get to take care of yourself so that you are the one in power, not your emotions. Being able to anticipate anger before it even arises gives you the choice of how to respond, a choice I didn’t have in the bad old days.
Speaking of healthy choices, did you know that you can actually schedule empowerment?
Yup, and you can increase your magnetism in my Self-Care Challenge: First, list twenty self-care ideas that make you happy while you’re doing them. Schedule at least three per day, putting them on the calendar as an appointment to make yourself a priority. Maybe find a self-care buddy or support group like The Adored Wife Facebook group to keep you inspired.
Becoming responsible for your happiness is the indispensable first step to intimacy. This preventative medicine alone will bring outbursts way down.
If anger or an “ouch” does rear its head, try piling on even more self-care. Hula hooping, puzzle solving, juicy novel reading, navel gazing or cloud gazing, whatever lights you up. The more frivolous, the better!
3. Figure Out Exactly What You Want
If you’re anything like I was, when you don’t get what you want, the default reaction is to complain.
When you get mad that your husband’s idea of childcare is watching Sopranos reruns while your two year old fends for himself, what is it that you’re wanting?
Sure, you could let him have it for being a crappy father. But what if you tried expressing your desire in a way that inspires instead? Like telling him you’d love to have a child-friendly environment.
My student who did that was relieved when her husband agreed to put their son in daycare. Even after daycare, dad was careful not to expose him to adult TV anymore.
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Believe it or not, your husband does want to please you. He just needs the information about how to do that.
Desire is the seat of feminine power, the north star for your relationship.
4. Express This Instead of Anger
When I thought my husband was a big ol’ Loser Pants, I was sure to let him know. I thought he needed that “helpful” information so he could change. The problem was he didn’t want to be around me much anymore.
If your man seems like a lousy husband, father, or homeowner (or all of the above), how has it served you to point out the error of his ways or tell him how to change?
If that’s not working for you so well either, I have a radical idea you could try instead: expressing appreciation instead of anger.
I know it sounds crazy when he’s falling so short and you’re doing so much, but bear with me for a minute.
Imagine if you were to be on the lookout for opportunities to catch him doing something good. By doing this detective work, you’re likely to find such opportunities a lot more.
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That’s because what you focus on increases, so focusing on his faults or what you’re not getting actually magnifies the problem.
Especially when it comes to men. Chances are you’ve experienced that, as author John Gray puts it, “When a man does not feel loved just the way he is, he will either consciously or unconsciously repeat the behavior that is not being accepted. He feels an inner compulsion to repeat the behavior until he feels loved and accepted.”
If your husband leaves his wet towel on the bathroom floor and even gently reminding him fuels his compulsion to repeat the annoying behavior, what the heck are you supposed to do?
Why not wait for that one time he does hang up his towel… and thank him?
Receiving such appreciation feels good. Then that’s the behavior he’ll want to repeat. It’s a virtuous cycle.
If you’re struggling to shake off the funk of resentment, I invite you to start a gratitude list. Write down every single thing, big or small, you’re thankful for about your husband. He works hard for the family or gave you a baby, he took out the trash or carried a dish to the sink. Every time you catch him doing something good, add it to the list.
Your marriage will soon look so much better by changing your perspectacles alone. If you really want to jumpstart the connection, express at least three of your gratitudes to him daily.
5. Hear His Side of the Story
Obviously, your man is not a trained monkey. If he hasn’t done something he promised, like doing the taxes that day, maybe he had a rough day at work and simply forgot.
Here are three magic words for bringing back the safety and trust in your marriage: “I hear you.”
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In other words, you’re not agreeing or disagreeing, not trying to fix anything. You’re simply listening.
It might be hard at first when you’re so used to giving your opinion, but most women find that it’s actually freeing. And the more you listen respectfully, the more he’ll want to open up and share with you.
It’s also surprisingly sexy. It’s true–respect is the biggest aphrodisiac for men.
Having all the answers and knowing better than him may feel empowering, but it also makes you feel kinda like his mom. And nobody wants to have sex with his mother.
So saying “I hear you” is a simple and powerful way to bring back the romance too.
Which of these techniques will you experiment with today?
I acknowledge you for being ready to leave the rage monster behind. Here’s to becoming your best self–and having the intimacy you’ve always desired.
I was the perfect wife–until I actually got married. When I tried to tell my husband how to be more romantic, more ambitious, and tidier, he avoided me. I dragged him to marriage counseling and nearly divorced him. I then started talking to women who had what I wanted in their marriages and that’s when I got my miracle. The man who wooed me returned.
I wrote a few books about what I learned and accidentally started a worldwide movement of women who practice The Six Intimacy Skills™ that lead to having amazing, vibrant relationships. The thing I’m most proud of is my playful, passionate relationship with my hilarious husband John–who has been dressing himself since before I was born.
If your husband criticizes you, it hurts. You’re doing so much, yet somehow it’s not enough. No matter how hard you try, your parenting, your housekeeping, or your work just don’t measure up–or so he would have you think.
Or maybe he tries to control how you do things, like “correct” grocery storage or underwear rotation.
Worse, he speaks to you like he wouldn’t even speak to a dog, yelling, swearing or calling you names. Having such a verbally abusive husband is a devastating red flag.
Perhaps he just keeps getting annoyed with you for no apparent reason at all, making you feel like a supreme irritant who’s worthless and totally unattractive.
That is such a lonely place to be.
I know because I used to be there.
The good news is that if you’re seeing any of these troubling signs of a disrespectful husband, there is still hope for fixing your marriage.
Here are four counterintuitive secrets for dealing with disrespect in a relationship so you can get the respect you deserve.
Step 1: Change the Dance
If you have no power to prevent your partner from being verbally disrespectful or exploding on you, what choice does that leave but divorce? Or staying a victim.
Actually, there is an alternative.
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As a woman, you are the keeper of the relationship. That means YOU have the power to set the ground rules for respect.
Your man’s filter could be very different from yours (or seemingly nonexistent). He may not even realize that his words hurt you.
Fortunately, you can teach him to treat you, in a hurry.
When he says something hurtful, say OUCH and leave the room.
If he does something angering, say OUCH and leave the conversation.
He might not like it at first. At all.
He may say “Ouch! What’s ouch?” He could make a weird face.
In my experience, such reactions are a good thing. They confirm that you are changing the dance. Chances are it’s an old dance, and it’s courageous of you to teach him new dance steps. That’s why I get a perverse pleasure from watching husbands squirm.
It’s also because I know what happens when a wife continues the new dance steps. What happened for me is that 99% of the hurt is gone.
There’s no more choosing my battles. The battle days are gone.
Step 2: Learn the Magic Words to Restore Respect
There is a catch.
“Ouch” will not work too well if you have already been disrespectful yourself.
I know that being respectful sounds easy enough. In the bad old days, I would have told you I was totally respectful to my man! Except for how he watched too much TV, ate all that junk, was such a slob, and didn’t make enough money.
You see, I had no idea what respect looks like for a man.
I didn’t know that when I rolled my eyes at him, contradicted him, or told him what to do, I was sucking the oxygen out of our relationship.
As much as I wanted to point the finger at him for being mean, I myself said horrible things to my husband to lay him low.
If there’s hope for an ex-rageaholic like me, there is definitely hope for you.
Today I get to show up dignified. But that doesn’t mean I’m perfect.
When I do criticize his client, like I did recently, trying to control his business decision (which is really none of my business), I have a magical phrase for that too.
Are you ready?
“I apologize for being disrespectful when I…”
Fill in the blank with what you did, leaving out any if’s, and’s, or but’s. “Sorry if I hurt you” or “I’m sorry but I felt hurt when YOU said…” completely undoes the apology.
Sure, this phrase will probably feel like sand in your mouth at first. But having the accountability and humility to clean up your side of the street turns out to be enormously empowering.
It also restores the intimacy in a hurry so cold wars are a thing of the past.
Just ask Kelly. When her husband seemed annoyed by her very existence, she got pretty annoyed herself. How could he treat her so disrespectfully?
Since she was feeling disrespected, she decided to look at how she had been doing when it came to showing respect. Sure enough, she’d been trying to control how he handled their extermination, trying to get it done on her schedule before they left town by asking “helpful” questions like “Do you want me to call the exterminator?” (with the subtext that he wasn’t capable).
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Once she used her magic words to restore respect, her husband’s entire demeanor changed.
He thanked her for doing so much to prepare for their trip. He insisted she relax and go get her nails done. Being stuck in the car with two little ones for fourteen hours ended up being a romantic road trip, where he couldn’t do enough for her!
Step 3: Lead By Example
What if your husband is complaining about the messy house, as if you haven’t been working all day yourself, or the kids’ behavior, as if you’re now falling short as a mom too?
It’s hard not to take such complaints personally.
If you’re reading this, you know by now that taking his bait and explaining, justifying, debating, or defending the kids or yourself will only escalate things.
If his words are not hurtful, why not simply say “I hear you”?
You’re not agreeing or disagreeing. You’re simply listening respectfully.
And that is attractive. If you’re missing the deep talks you used to have, there’s no surer way to create the safety to bring those back.
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If you want to supercharge your new Intimacy Skills, how about appreciating something you do respect about him?
Sure, it’s tempting to call him out for spending extra hours at work when you need help at home. What would happen if you were to nix the complaining, instead telling him how grateful you are for him working so hard and being such a provider?
Or to express gratitude for his unique way of showing affection? Maybe he isn’t a whiz with his words but he makes your coffee every morning, with two sugars just the way you like it.
Not only will he be inspired to please you even more, he’ll start expressing the appreciation you so deserve.
Step 4: Show Up as Your Best Self
Such experiments may be a stretch for you.
But if you’re as stressed, exhausted, or overwhelmed as I used to be, they’ll be more than a stretch–they just ain’t gonna happen.
When I’m depleted, self-care is the first thing to go out the window.
These days I make it a point to do at least three self-care activities a day, like playing volleyball, having lunch with a girlfriend, napping, singing, bike riding, getting a facial, or going to the bookstore for tea.
When I’m filled up, I can show up as my best self.
I’m not alone either.
Rita was terrified when, after twelve years of marriage, her husband became a selfish, grumpy workaholic who insisted on the house being tidy at all times–even though they had toddlers! But he was too busy working to help with the family, so Rita was stuck being responsible for everything. Any attempt to talk about it would result in a cold war for days.
After a few weeks of piling on self-care, the next thing she knew he was asking her out on a date with a shy smile.
“Yes, yes, yes. I felt on a high!” she recalls. “I was so excited about it that I couldn’t stop smiling the whole evening out with him!”
What self-care would fill you up?
Especially if you are feeling disrespected, what personal de-escalation tactics would work for you? Taking a walk, listening to a guided meditation, or punching a pillow?
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For me, social self-care is a must, including surrounding myself with like-minded women as committed to marriage as I am.
If it’s hard to come by women who support your vision for your relationship, check out a marital support group like the free Adored Wife Facebook group.
Now that you have the tools to create mutual respect in your marriage, which one will you try first?
I was the perfect wife–until I actually got married. When I tried to tell my husband how to be more romantic, more ambitious, and tidier, he avoided me. I dragged him to marriage counseling and nearly divorced him. I then started talking to women who had what I wanted in their marriages and that’s when I got my miracle. The man who wooed me returned.
I wrote a few books about what I learned and accidentally started a worldwide movement of women who practice The Six Intimacy SkillsImage may be NSFW. Clik here to view. that lead to having amazing, vibrant relationships. The thing I’m most proud of is my playful, passionate relationship with my hilarious husband John–who has been dressing himself since before I was born.
When you’re struggling in your marriage you just want someone to help you fix it, or fix him or do whatever it is that’s going to help you stop hurting and feeling hopeless.
That’s what relationship coaches do, but most people are more familiar with marriage counseling as the resource for a struggling marriage. So what’s the difference?
Here are 3 secrets that Great Relationship Coaches know that you can use to fix your own relationship:
#1: What does a relationship coach do?
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When I was struggling in my marriage and I had my “Eureka!” moment of figuring out that I had the power to make my marriage either playful and passionate or tense and distant, I was both horrified and elated! Horrified that I had been making it tense and distant for so many years, and elated that I now knew what to do to make the future playful and passionate.
The problem was, I couldn’t sustain my new practices at first.
It wasn’t until I started talking to other wives about how to make their marriages shiny again that those new practices started to sink in and become my habits.
Paying it forward to other women had the effect of giving me guardrails on either side of me that kept me safely on the road that I wanted to be on.
I remember thinking I had to clean up my side of the street because that’s what I was asking the women in my tiny support group to do. I felt that frightening but motivating feeling that I was accountable to those women to be accountable in my marriage.
So I stretched a little further and got a little braver and apologized a little more and used a little more duct tape to keep myself from saying things I would regret.
That made a big difference in my success!
In other words, encouraging them to use the Intimacy Skills in their marriages spurred me on to develop the habits that created the sweet marriage I have now.
That’s why paying it forward is one of the pillars of the Connection Framework that we know contributes to lasting success with fixing your marriage.
#2: There’s no such thing as working on the relationship.
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There’s only two people working on themselves.
Sometimes your husband doesn’t put in the work you wish he would on the relationship, and that’s hurtful because it makes you wonder if he even cares.
Of course he’s equally responsible for making things work in your relationship, but relationship coaching is about what you as a wife can fix.
The best part? He doesn’t even have to be on board.
In fact, it’s powerful and important to stop focusing on what he’s doing so I can focus on what I’m doing.
What am I doing to make myself happy today? Am I focusing on the experience I want to have instead of the experience I don’t want to have?
Am I cleaning up my side of the street, regardless of how messy his side of the street looks?
Those are the million dollar questions that lead to the breakthroughs we hear about all the time where he comes back and apologizes and holds your hand or spontaneously says he loves you.
#3: The problems in your marriage are what makes you qualified to be a relationship coach
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Relationship Coaches are mere mortal women who have struggled in their marriages and have some valuable experience to share.
Sometimes women come into coach training thinking they are complete frauds because their marriages are still struggling and they’re not sure how it’s ever going to get better, but they want the highest level of support for their marriages that’s available in Relationship Coach Training.
But having a breakdown is part of what makes you qualified to be a relationship coach.
And working through those challenges in Relationship Coach Training is the best way I know of to fix your relationship because you’re immersed in the Intimacy Skills and our unique coaching methodology, which is all about creating emotional safety and a sacred space for another woman.
You don’t need a perfect marriage to be a great relationship coach. What makes you qualified is that you’ve had transformation, and that can start with a big breakdown.
Training to be a coach when it’s still broken down is a great way to set your intentions to becoming a ridiculously happy wife.
The best relationship coaches in the world struggled in their relationships and then they took action to create a better response from their husbands.
That’s what makes them more effective and credible than the most impressive diploma on the wall could ever be.
I was the perfect wife–until I actually got married. When I tried to tell my husband how to be more romantic, more ambitious, and tidier, he avoided me. I dragged him to marriage counseling and nearly divorced him. I then started talking to women who had what I wanted in their marriages and that’s when I got my miracle. The man who wooed me returned.
I wrote a few books about what I learned and accidentally started a worldwide movement of women who practice The Six Intimacy SkillsImage may be NSFW. Clik here to view. that lead to having amazing, vibrant relationships. The thing I’m most proud of is my playful, passionate relationship with my hilarious husband John–who has been dressing himself since before I was born.
If you’re wondering what the signs are that your husband doesn’t love you, then you’ve probably already been seeing them. He’s distant and cold, more interested in his phone or the TV than spending time with you.
Or your husband disrespects you, speaking harshly and criticizing your parenting or housekeeping.
Either way, it’s so angering and hurtful. You’re probably wondering if there’s any hope for having the kind of relationship you deserve or if you just married the wrong man.
Here are four tips to inspire love so you can get your husband’s attention and fix your marriage for good.
Get the Right Communication Tools
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When you’re feeling hurt, it’s easy to say things like “You treat me like I don’t exist!” or “You never call because you don’t care about me” or “You don’t even make an effort to change.”
You’re just calling it like it is, doing your best to express your feelings and needs. When all else has failed, how else are you supposed to wake him up? The problem is that such constructive criticism is, well, critical.
If you’ve tried this approach, then you already know all too well that it doesn’t get you very far in restoring the connection you want. On the contrary, criticizing him is disrespectful.
For men, respect is like oxygen, so there’s no surer way to suck the oxygen out of your relationship than to criticize or control, dismiss or demean him. (And kill your sex life in the process since the biggest aphrodisiac for men is–you guessed it–respect!)
Conventional wisdom dictates using “I” statements like “I get anxious when I don’t hear from you” or “I would really appreciate it if you could spend some time with the kids for two hours every evening so that I could have some time to myself” or “I feel sad when we don’t communicate.”
But is that really better? Using the word “you” and even “we” is venturing onto his side of the street. Even if you manage to avoid conveying the implicit criticism You’re not communicating with me, hanging out on his side of the street puts you in control-land, which is another form of disrespect.
Once your eyes are open to how sneaky disrespect can be, what are you supposed to do instead?
If you’re lonely for his time, attention, or affection, try these three magic words: “I miss you.”
My student Charlene was stressed about her husband sleeping on the sofa. She couldn’t sleep with the tension in the air, so she went out there and started to point out the error of his ways. Then she caught herself. She knew that disrespect wasn’t very attractive, so she used another magic phrase to clean it up: “I apologize for being disrespectful when I…” and filled in the blank with how she’s criticized him.
Now that her side of the street was clean, she vulnerably showed her softer side by saying what she really meant, which was simply “I miss you.”
He got in bed with her ten minutes later. True story.
Step into Your Power
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Your man’s shortcomings, his part in the breakdown of your marriage, and the changes he needs to make are probably crystal clear.
It’s so frustrating and discouraging when you’re trying to get him to change and he just won’t. It’s not very empowering either.
That’s because you cannot change anyone but yourself. With no control over him making any changes, you become the victim.
But you’re no victim.
In fact, you hold all the power. As a woman, you are the keeper of your relationship.
You have the power to change the culture of your marriage single handedly, without his conscious knowledge or effort.
It takes a lot of courage to let the change originate in you. It means looking at your part in those very areas where he’s falling short even though they seem like all his fault.
If you’re feeling disrespected, how are you doing when it comes to showing respect? If you’re feeling unappreciated, how are you doing when it comes to expressing appreciation?
And what does your husband see when he looks into his wife mirror? If a painful self-image is reflected back to him in your eyes, he’ll stop looking. What I see all too often is that he starts looking elsewhere to get the reflection he once got from you, back when you saw the best in him.
Try embarking on a smile campaign. When he walks into the room, light up. Instead of the typical “How was your day?” or “What do you want for dinner?” (“you” questions back on his side of the street), how about saying how happy you are to see him?
Chances are, he’ll want to spend more time with such a shiny wife mirror!
And he’ll want to share more with you too. Haven’t you always wanted him to open up to you? The more you just listen without contradicting or advising, the more he’ll want to.
Work On the Right Things
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I know, I know. It’s kinda hard to light up when you’re exhausted or overwhelmed working, shuttling kids around, getting dinner on the table, dreading the mountain of dirty laundry, and worrying about your marriage on top of it all.
You might think I’m asking you to become a Stepford Wife.
Absolutely not! I’m inviting you to be 100% authentic.
Here are two key questions for honoring yourself: How do you feel and what do you want?
The answer may be as simple as “I feel tired. I want a nap.”
But it’s amazing how things can turn around after a thirty-minute lie down. After some sorely needed “Me Time”, all may look right with the world again. Your husband isn’t so annoying anymore. Maybe he has even cleaned up while you got out of the way.
Self-care is like pixie dust, and it’s the indispensable first step to intimacy.
What would you do if only you had the time? What did you used to do for fun back when you attracted him?
The more frivolous, the better. Take a cooking class, kick your feet up and read instead of doing those dishes, go on that wine tasting day trip with your friends.
If you feel guilty, do it anyway!
If not for yourself, do it for your relationship. Filling your self-care tank increases your magnetism and makes you an irresistible Goddess of Fun and Light.
And there’s no surer way to rekindle the spark.
Turn Up the Gender Contrast
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Here’s one more piece of conventional “wisdom” to ignore: date night!
Does adding that to the list of chores, right between scrubbing the toilets and cleaning the garage, really inspire romance?
If you really want to get the romance back, try dialing up the gender contrast instead. One way to increase your femininity (and his masculinity) is becoming more receptive. If he does the dishes, it may be tempting to say “Now how about wiping the counters?” (like I used to).
Instead, receive graciously. Even if he loaded the dishwasher wrong. Even if he did only a few.
Want the magic phrase for receiving?
“Thank you.” That’s it!
When you focus on receiving, all sorts of things will start coming your way–to the point that you might feel guilty receiving them all. If your husband has already taken care of the kids’ bath time and bedtime, gives you a massage while watching a movie with you, then offers to get up early so you can sleep in (yes, this is a real-life example), it might be too much to take.
I invite you to receive graciously anyway. As he sees you being so pleasable, he’ll want to do even more to make you happy. As you express your gratitude so freely, he’ll express more appreciation for you.
Here’s to having the power to change the culture in your marriage!
I was the perfect wife–until I actually got married. When I tried to tell my husband how to be more romantic, more ambitious, and tidier, he avoided me. I dragged him to marriage counseling and nearly divorced him. I then started talking to women who had what I wanted in their marriages and that’s when I got my miracle. The man who wooed me returned.
I wrote a few books about what I learned and accidentally started a worldwide movement of women who practice The Six Intimacy SkillsImage may be NSFW. Clik here to view. that lead to having amazing, vibrant relationships. The thing I’m most proud of is my playful, passionate relationship with my hilarious husband John–who has been dressing himself since before I was born.
If you find yourself searching the web for “Top unhappy marriage signs” or “Loveless marriage signs,” chances are you already know the signs.
I don’t need to tell you how exhausting it is to feel like the only grownup in the house, having to do everything yourself–or how lonely.
I don’t need to tell you how frustrating it is when you’re trying so hard to communicate effectively but somehow it still turns into a fight every time.
And I don’t need to tell you how gut-wrenching it is if you’ve suffered betrayal, how hard it is if he’s having a mental health issue or midlife crisis, or how painful it is to sit on the fence, fearing that there is no hope for your marriage.
I do need to tell you it makes me mad when someone else decides for you that your marriage is over.
That’s because you are the expert on your own life, no one else.
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So if you’re looking for a Signs-Your-Marriage-Is-Over Quiz or the Definitive Should-I-Get-a-Divorce Checklist, you’re in the wrong place.
Even if you feel ready to call it quits, my hat is off to you for taking the time to do your research. Almost every woman who does this homework is actually searching to see if there’s a kernel of hope for getting back the man she took for better or worse.
If you’ve landed here, there’s a good chance that you have something worth saving and good reasons for saving it.
If, just for a moment, you could let go of the hurt and anger, the fears and naysayers clouding your vision, and deep down what you really want is to feel desired, cherished and adored again, keep reading.
Even if things seem hopeless right now.
These may be symptoms of a troubled relationship, for sure. But if there’s one thing I’ve learned as a relationship coach, it’s that there is hope for even the most hopeless cases.
Here are four marital trouble areas and how to repair them so you can save your marriage, get back the man you chose, and have the playful, passionate connection you deserve.
1) You No Longer Want to Fight the Good Fight
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If your relationship is broken or you’ve been feeling like a victim, you do not need to keep suffering. In fact, you have all the power. That’s because, as the wife, you are the keeper of your relationship.
Your desires are the north star.
Once you step into your power as a woman, what are you going to do with it?
That can be tough to answer if you’ve been fantasizing about a world without your man. It’s easy to convince yourself that the solution to your problems is flying solo or seeing someone new.
Even if you wanted to mend things, how are you supposed to do that if your relationship problems rest largely on his shoulders?
That’s the question Jen wrestled with when her second husband said he was leaving her.
She had already been through this with her first husband and could not bear to go through the pain of divorce again. She knew something had to change. And, she started to consider that the common denominator might be her.
So, rather than give up or jump into a new situation with new problems (and the unresolved mistakes that were following her into every relationship), she decided to focus on the present and see if there was anything worth salvaging.
She was so glad she did.
Once she started changing the only thing she could change (herself), her husband changed too.
Even though she left her exhausting job and cut her work schedule down to ten hours a week, the man who never had any money took her on a cruise, to Europe (after saying he never would), and to Sri Lanka (twice).
Her new husband is always taking her out. And buying her clothes, which she still considers weird. Because this is the same man!
He does things he had never done before, like setting the table and doing dishes, washing and vacuuming.
If you’ve decided that you too want to fight the good fight and save your marriage, but you can’t seem to stop the fighting with him, that takes us to issue #2…
2) Bickering Has Turned into Battles
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Know the one thing men want most?
Sex? Nope, it’s actually respect.
Now, if you’re anything like I was, you probably think you’re already being a pretty respectful wife.
I had no idea that disrespect was oozing out of my pores when I’d say things like “You always…” or “You never…” Or when I kept bringing up an old wound in my desperation for resolution. One more thing I was really good at as the armchair quarterback of his life was presenting the highlights reel of all his failures.
All of it was loaded with blame, criticism and judgment. No wonder my husband shut down!
Respect is like oxygen for men, and I was sucking the oxygen out of our relationship.
Granted, he often said hurtful things to me too.
That was before I learned a single word guaranteed to RSVP no to your next invitation to a fight…
OUCH!
I know, I know–this isn’t what I was taught either. I thought we were supposed to say something like “I feel hurt when you criticized my outfit.”
I’ve tried that tired old phrase enough to stuff an elephant. Somehow, it never got me the intimacy I wanted. Ever.
In hindsight, I see that I was criticizing him for criticizing me. And sucking yet more oxygen out of our already gasping relationship.
My so-called vulnerability in expressing my hurt this way never came through because it was cloaked in disrespect.
In contrast, when I say “Ouch” any time my man says or does something hurtful (which still happens here and there because we’re both human), my vulnerability does come across.
The other key piece here is: remove yourself. As long as you’ve been respectful yourself, it’s okay to walk away. I don’t know about you, but I am not my best self when I’m hurt. When tensions are running high, I’m apt to say something I’ll later regret.
Least said, soonest mended.
I’ve tried alternatives here too, whether standing there and taking it or striking back when I already feel hurt. Neither brought about the reconciliation I hoped for.
A simple “Ouch!” does.
Sophie shares her husband’s endearing response to “Ouch!”:
Nine times out of ten, he’ll seek me out a few minutes later and say, “I’m sorry I gave you an ouchie. I don’t want to hurt you.” No more spending days nursing a grudge. It amazes me every time how effortless it is.
That has been my experience too. My man has the space to see that he has just hurt the woman he loves. And I get to keep my dignity.
3) The “We” Has Turned into “Me”
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If you’ve gone from a “we” couple to a “me” couple, it feels so alone not to be on the same page anymore.
Have you ever noticed that the harder you try to get reassurance or a little appreciation around here, the less you get?
How frustrating!
If you’re ready to bring back the team spirit, there’s an easy way to do it.
Ask to borrow his brain on your work, parenting, or something that happened at the gym. Letting him be your hero in this way conveys a deep respect for his judgment.
Just be sure to identify your desire.
For me, the simple task of knowing what I wanted proved a tall order.
I knew exactly what I didn’t want.
At the top of my list: having to do everything myself!
It would have been easy to keep pointing the finger at my husband for not pulling his weight in our chore wars. I was keeping score, and the results were clear: my man was a big ol’ Loser Pant.
Pointing the finger kept me from seeing my part in feeding my own resentment.
If you are resentful at having to take care of the laundry, doctor’s appointments, play dates, and meal planning or keeping a mental checklist where your husband is falling way short, I have two magic words for you…
“I can’t.”
When Mayte felt like a zombie after an exhausting workday, she announced, “I can’t do a single thing more today.”
Her husband replied, “Wanna go out for dinner?”
He even did the dishes.
Since men have finely tuned control radar, he could probably sense that she wasn’t saying these words in an attempt to get him to do anything. She was simply honoring herself. Even when the dirty dishes sat there well into the night, she did not take the bait by washing them herself since that would have made her resentful and cost her much-needed self-care.
Rather, she followed through with honoring her “I can’t.”
Turns out, letting go of trying to make the “we” look the way you want to focus on the “me” part, including honoring your limitations, is super empowering–and creates the “we” you always hoped for.
4) The Intimacy Went Kaput
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Without sex, you’re more roommates than lovers.
But what if your efforts to spice things up have fallen flat? You’re not alone if you could throw yourself at him and still hear more crickets than fireworks in your bedroom.
You already know that respect is like oxygen for men. Did you know it’s also the most potent aphrodisiac?
No wonder my husband didn’t want to make love when I was a prickly porcupine of a wife! Looking back, I can see how my criticism, control, and complaint were not very appealing.
If your respect, like mine, had gone missing for a while, how do you get it back?
Here’s one more magical phrase for you: “I apologize for being disrespectful when I _________.” Fill in the blank with however you criticized or controlled, dismissed or demeaned him.
Period.
Regardless of how he receives it (or doesn’t), resist the temptation to explain or defend or to add anything.
When Patricia focused on restoring respect, she was astonished at the results: Her husband told her he loved her for the first time in eight years.
But first, he set the stage with a romantic playlist including the song “I believe in miracles.”
Patricia agreed–it was a miracle indeed.
The other miracle material Patricia added to the mix was increasing her magnetism through self-care. (Exhibit A: This profession of love happened when she got home from a nice long walk.)
Long walks made her happy. What fills you up?
Maybe it’s reaching out to old friends or spending more time with your family, learning the guitar, getting out your old paints, getting a massage or giving yourself a facial.
Notice there’s no “eat healthier,” “work out more” or “drink more water” on this list. Sure, those things are great. But do they make you feel joyful while you’re doing them? (If so, then they would count as self-care for you!)
For the kind of self-care that lights you up and makes you irresistible, the more luxurious the better.
Social self-care is essential. Confide in a supportive friend who’s been where you are, or join a Facebook group like the Adored Wife for a community of like-minded women.
You do not have to go it alone, especially at a time when you probably need support more than ever.
Now that you know that these problem areas are not insurmountable after all, what’s the first thing you’ll do with your power to create the relationship culture you want?
I was the perfect wife–until I actually got married. When I tried to tell my husband how to be more romantic, more ambitious, and tidier, he avoided me. I dragged him to marriage counseling and nearly divorced him. I then started talking to women who had what I wanted in their marriages and that’s when I got my miracle. The man who wooed me returned.
I wrote a few books about what I learned and accidentally started a worldwide movement of women who practice The Six Intimacy SkillsImage may be NSFW. Clik here to view. that lead to having amazing, vibrant relationships. The thing I’m most proud of is my playful, passionate relationship with my hilarious husband John–who has been dressing himself since before I was born.
4 Proven Ways to Turn a Rageaholic into a Respectful Spouse
If your husband keeps getting angry, you are not alone.
When he blows a fuse at you or the kids, it can be really hurtful and scary. When it happens again and again, then it has a way of making you angry too. Especially if he jumps down your throat at the smallest things, like how you stock the groceries!
It’s baffling when you’re doing him kindnesses like making his coffee or having his dinner ready night after night. If you’re doing everything you can think of to be a good wife and still getting the cold shoulder, it is downright disheartening.
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He wouldn’t even treat the dog this way!
So what to do if your man is always angry and negative? How do you deal with a rude husband?
Here are four proven ways to turn a rageaholic into a respectful spouse.
1) Rewind the Tape to See What Happened Just Before the Rage Started
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This sounds crazy because he’s the one who’s behaving badly and being mean, but… his reactions could be an opportunity to look at your side of the street to see whether anything needs cleaning up.
His anger might be 95% of the problem, and that’s easy to focus on. But it’s a rare, wise woman who can also ask herself, “Did I do or say anything that wasn’t so great?”
When Ana’s husband kept getting annoyed with her day after day, it was as if she couldn’t do anything right. She felt completely disrespected, which is when she decided to take a look at how she was doing showing respect.
Hmm, this all started after she offered to call the exterminator. Sounds harmless enough, even helpful, but Ana knew that “helpful” in wife language meant “controlling” in husband language. She was afraid that their Airbnb guests would have unexpected pest visitors and she would be humiliated online.
As usual, fear lay beneath her urge to control. Sure enough, she was trying to control her husband to take care of the problem before they left town.
Granted, this seemed like a very small transgression to Ana, and it might to you too, but check out what happened when she decided to clean up her side of the street by saying, “I apologize for being disrespectful when I tried to control how you handled the pest situation.”
The tone in her house immediately improved.
Her husband thanked her for all she’d been doing to prepare for their trip and insisted she go relax and get her nails done. The new tone of mutual respect and gratitude carried into their long drive, where he couldn’t do enough to please her. Even with two little ones in tow, it turned out to be a romantic road trip!
Is there something on your side that you’re not super proud of saying or doing? If so, how might you own your mistakes?
Maybe he’s nitpicking an improperly ironed shirt when, in reality, he’s annoyed at how you keep getting into his closet. (Our “helpfulness” can wear so many guises! Check out this podcast for fourteen other forms of control.) Clean up your part–figuratively and literally–and respect his space.
If, on the other hand, you inspect your side of the street and it’s clean, then leave his mess on his side. I haven’t found any value in apologizing just to make nice. The magic only happens when I’m truly accountable for the part where I wasn’t at my best.
His rage is not your fault. His bad behavior is squarely on his paper. Even if you did something to irritate him, that doesn’t make it okay to hurl curse words and insults at you.
There could be another source for his anger, such as problems at work or with the in-laws.
It’s tempting to ask questions like “What’s wrong?” or “Did I do something?” Prodding him for what’s wrong with him or whether you upset him are back on his side of the street. And that’s back in control territory.
Relinquishing control of his moods and staying on your side of the street, on the other hand, is a totally respectful thing to do.
I’m reminded of the serenity prayer asking for the serenity to accept the things we cannot change (his anger) and the courage to change the things we can (our response).
You are a shiny wife mirror. As you flourish your powers of respect, he will come around and start reflecting you by showing you the respect you deserve.
2) Disarm His Anger with These Magic Words
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It’s also tempting to have emotional check-ins or encourage him to get therapy. All “helpful” and (yup, you guessed it) controlling and therefore disrespectful.
Even pouring on empathy for what he’s going through can land askew.
Does he look at you funny–or not at all–when you validate, “That sounds really hard! I can only imagine how stressful. I would be so frustrated by what you’re going through.”
I find that’s because feelings tend to be one of women’s superpowers. Such validation feels great to us. For men, a mere “That sucks” tends to do it.
So, if you’re wanting to respect male culture, here’s the secret to making it safe for him to want to open up and share with you…
Listening without interrupting.
What I’m proposing here is easier said than done, but what if you didn’t reciprocate or react to his mood bait at all? Remaining neutral can dampen his emotional intensity. In time, he will calm down and mirror your reactions (or lack thereof).
Here are three little words to empower you to listen respectfully: “I hear you.”
What a relief when he knows you’re a safe harbor for him, that with you he doesn’t have to suck it up and “be a man,” especially since those pent-up emotions can snowball into uncontrollable outbursts.
If you want to go all out with this listening experiment, try just letting him talk while you practice that phrase for a full hour.
Easier said than done, I know! Most women report that after dealing with the discomfort of stretching outside their comfort zone, however, it’s a relief not to have to problem solve, offer advice or fix anything for him. And a joy when he steps up and takes the initiative to solve those problems himself (and the initiative to do more things for you too)!
There is one key exception: No need to say “I hear you” if he says something hurtful to you.
You are nobody’s doormat or whipping post.
If he calls you names or curses at you, simply saying “Ouch!” and leaving the room is a powerful way to express your hurt in a dignified way.
When you have such a vulnerable, respectful way to give him the space to see that he has hurt the woman he loves, he’s way less likely to do it again next time.
3) Do Not Try to “Fix” Him
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If you’re been dealing with his outbursts for a while now, it’s easy to catch him doing something wrong.
The problem is: You are a powerful manifestor.
What you focus on increases. That’s why every time you bring up this problem, even in an attempt to solve it, it magnifies and gets even worse.
What if you tried something different, like catching him doing something good? If he expresses himself in a connecting way, let him know how happy he has just made you. A little gratitude goes a long way.
This is different from being his cheerleader. Trying to make him feel better through desperate encouragement or saying “It could be worse…” or “Why don’t you just…” oozes control, and men chafe at being controlled.
Even gently offering support by saying something like “Is there anything I can do to take the stress off your plate?” is being “helpful.”
“Helpfully” observing that he’s been getting angry a lot lately is likewise disrespectful, which actually creates even more distance.
That is, unless it’s from a place of “That’s not like you!” Expecting the best outcome is super respectul.
Saying that would probably feel like a big fat lie. Is it any more of a lie than telling yourself he’s always angry?
What difference does it make what you tell yourself (or him)? Again, what you focus on increases.
When Tanya’s husband lost his temper yet again, she changed the dance by responding, “That’s not like you to lose your temper.”
This was a huge stretch since what she normally told him was “You always lose your temper!” Sure enough, her husband gave her a funny look when she voiced her new affirmation, and even their 12-year-old son said, “Yes it is, Mom! He always loses his temper.”
Not long after, the husband was fuming at a restaurant’s slow service: “I have a good mind to call the manager over and let him know how long we’ve been waiting!” Then, he stopped himself and said, “That’s not like me to lose my temper, is it?”
Tanya had not only shifted her own view of her husband but even how he saw himself!
4) Know When to Step Away
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It’s normal for negativity to affect your well-being at times. Sometimes you just need a timeout. There’s no shame in removing yourself from the situation. Rather, you’re choosing intimacy by removing yourself from the bait so you won’t bite.
This is a perfect opportunity to take some time to do the things you love.
Maybe it’s going for a long walk while letting it all out with a supportive friend…
Not the family member who loves you so fiercely she’ll never forgive him for treating you that way, even after he becomes his best self and you’re ready to move past this chapter.
Not the friend who tells you what a jerk he is and that you deserve better. It’s easy to find advocates for divorce. They’re well-meaning but may not have the tools for their own relationships.
Hopefully you can confide in the rare bestie who’s a great listener and still stands for the marriage you want, maybe even steering the conversation to why you want to fight for it.
Or, if you’re one of the many women who don’t have that, check out a free support group like the Adored Wife Facebook group for a community of like-minded women so you do not have to be alone with this.
If your husband is a rageaholic, you might think all of this sounds too good to be true and maybe it won’t work for you. But when women on our campus find the courage to experiment even when they think it’s completely hopeless, to paraphrase Thomas Wolfe, miracles not only happen–they happen all the time.
I was the perfect wife–until I actually got married. When I tried to tell my husband how to be more romantic, more ambitious, and tidier, he avoided me. I dragged him to marriage counseling and nearly divorced him. I then started talking to women who had what I wanted in their marriages and that’s when I got my miracle. The man who wooed me returned.
I wrote a few books about what I learned and accidentally started a worldwide movement of women who practice The Six Intimacy SkillsImage may be NSFW. Clik here to view. that lead to having amazing, vibrant relationships. The thing I’m most proud of is my playful, passionate relationship with my hilarious husband John–who has been dressing himself since before I was born.
How to Get Him to Own His Mistakes Without Begging
If your husband makes you feel bad about yourself, it’s so hurtful.
Maybe you’ve had to hear the worst things a husband can say to his wife. That is no fun. It’s not right either–you should not be treated like you don’t matter.
If he then turns everything around on you, as if it’s all your fault, it can make your head spin. That’s enough to make anyone feel hopeless.
Especially if you’re doing all the work to try to make things better but he makes no effort to change, as if he were God’s gift to the universe, perfect exactly as he is. And, without two to tango, how is anything ever supposed to get better?
No matter how hopeless things may seem right now, the good news is that you can get the respect you deserve. You probably just haven’t been shown how.
Here are four essential hacks to get him to own his mistakes–no begging required.
1) Bring Down His Defenses
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Kristen’s husband went off the rails complaining about her messy car and criticizing her for letting their children trash it.
She was tempted to defend herself and rail right back, “Don’t you think I want a clean car too?!”
Instead, she responded with just one word: “Ouch.”
“No, seriously,” her husband retorted, now criticizing her vulnerability too.
“Ouch two,” she replied, holding up two fingers cutely.
This took not only vulnerability but a lot of courage given that her husband had made it clear he did not like this whole “Ouch” thing.
Nonetheless, to Kristen’s amazement, intimacy was restored immediately. He softened and let out a little laugh. He then proceeded to have a talk with the kids–and clean the car himself.
Even beneath his supposed criticism, it was clear how important it was to him that his wife get to drive the nice, clean car he had bought her! This is a heart message she likely would not have heard had she RSVPd yes to the argument.
Next time you receive an invitation to a fight, how would the dynamic change if you expressed your hurt with a simple “Ouch” and left the room?
Showing up so dignified and respectful yourself–and giving him the space to see that he has just hurt the woman he loves, without his being on the defense–is a powerful combination to inspire him to see his part.
2) Call a Truce in the Blame Game
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Maintaining your dignity and respect is easier said than done when he knows exactly how to push your buttons, especially when you’re unfairly blamed for something and he refuses to take any responsibility.
I figured I could remedy that by pointing out the error of my husband’s ways, but somehow this never made him want to be the better man I was hoping for. My criticism was clearly not inspiring, which makes sense since being criticized does not motivate me to change either.
Would you rather be right, or would you rather be happy? If you’re anything like I was, the answer is both! I was all about keeping score and figuring out who was at fault. Especially during a heated argument, I couldn’t resist getting out my scorecard, pointing out who had left the dishes unwashed and forgotten to pay the bills.
The problem with my scorecard was that it meant there would be a winner and a loser. I was convinced he was the loser, but somehow I kept losing out on the peace and passion I craved.
If you’re reading this, chances are you’re ready for a new gameplan.
Tamara knew she needed a new one when her man left her. As devastated as she was, she saw her part in the breakdown and realized she had some cleaning up to do. She decided to experiment with the phrase “I apologize for being disrespectful when I…,” filling in the blank with ways she had criticized or controlled, dismissed or demeaned him.
Restoring respect pumped the oxygen back into her dying relationship. He started helping her with whatever she needed around the house, serving her tea, opening up to her, complimenting her, rubbing lotion on her back, giggling and flirting with her.
Even when they had a conflict about the lawyer and he broke his plans to come over, accusing her of refusing to sign even though she had agreed to, he came over after all. Unfortunately, he ended up flying into a rage at not being able to print the agreement and left in a huff.
Tamara somehow managed to stay respectful throughout all this bait. She went for a walk to clear her head.
She was so touched when he then texted her a long apology.
She planned to respond when she got home, but he couldn’t wait. Thirty minutes later, he called. That alone was outside the norm. But what really blew her mind came next.
He apologized for blaming her and said, “I want to be respectful.”
He had never said that before.
If you’re ready for mutual respect and accountability, why not think big picture? Instead of dissecting whose fault it is, how would things change if you focused on your side of the street? Even if that meant apologizing for only a small comment you made that contributed to the melee?
3) Rewrite Your Story
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If your husband makes you feel bad about yourself or treats you like you don’t matter, I bet you could give me a whole list of evidence for that right now.
For me, the evidence seemed overwhelming. Problem was, when I went around saying things like “He treats me like I don’t matter,” that’s all I saw.
I found out the hard way what a powerful manifester I was. What I focused on increased.
I realized that no one always shows up in any way 100% of the time. So I did an experiment and flipped my complaint into the experience I wanted to have. When I flipped my Spouse-Fulfilling Prophecy “He’s a Loser Pants when it comes to money” into calling my husband “Mr. Moneybags,” for example, he started his own business and became more successful than he ever had been.
What story are you repeating to yourself, your man, or others? Is your story unwittingly magnifying the problem like mine was?
What if you tried on a new Spouse-Fulfilling Prophecy and started gathering some new evidence?
Be prepared to find out what a powerful manifester you are!
4) Build Your Self-Esteem
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If your man has been putting you down, it has a way of getting to you. It’s easy to start internalizing that you’re somehow not good enough, leaving your self-esteem in the gutter.
And waiting for him to make you feel better about yourself can make for a long waiting game.
Instead of waiting for him to treat you right, why not start by treating yourself right?
When I was being treated badly, I was a big culprit in giving myself bad treatment. Then, I decided to become responsible for my own happiness by putting my self-care first. For me, that meant lots of volleyball, dancing, napping, walking, reading, getting facials, drinking tea and eating chocolate.
Treating myself in such an esteemable way boosted my self-esteem, which increased my magnetism. Seeing me happy made my husband want to pile on more good treatment to make me even happier. Talk about a virtuous cycle!
Focusing on my own happiness also got me off his side of the street. I didn’t have to solve his problems, baby him or fix him. Giving him the space to tackle his own issues head on allowed him to take more initiative and show up as a man, which made him a lot more attractive too!
Doing my own thing also helped me give him his space rather than begrudging his self-care. If I found myself getting annoyed that he was watching too much TV, that was a red flag to up my own self-care.
Letting go of having to spend every spare moment together nixed the neediness–which actually made him want to spend more time with me!
What would fill your self-care tank?
An essential part of my self-care is girl talk. Not just with any girl. Especially when it comes to sharing about something as important as marriage, I’ve seen how destructive it is to confide in the wrong people. Sure, friends and family are all well-meaning, but it’s a rare breed who will stand for you and your marriage even when the going gets tough.
Fortunately, it’s now easy to find support groups full of like-minded women, such as the free Adored Wife Facebook community.
Turning to an outside confidante is a great way to diffuse emotional situations. Seeking support you can trust can make all the difference when it comes to fixing your marriage.
Now that you know these four hacks, which will you try first to create the experience you want to have?
I was the perfect wife–until I actually got married. When I tried to tell my husband how to be more romantic, more ambitious, and tidier, he avoided me. I dragged him to marriage counseling and nearly divorced him. I then started talking to women who had what I wanted in their marriages and that’s when I got my miracle. The man who wooed me returned.
I wrote a few books about what I learned and accidentally started a worldwide movement of women who practice The Six Intimacy SkillsImage may be NSFW. Clik here to view. that lead to having amazing, vibrant relationships. The thing I’m most proud of is my playful, passionate relationship with my hilarious husband John–who has been dressing himself since before I was born.
If you’re asking yourself that question, kudos to you. It means you recognize the importance of respect in your relationship.
You’re way ahead of where I was when my marriage was on the fritz. I had no idea that respect is like oxygen to men. And that I was depriving our relationship of oxygen.
No wonder my husband didn’t want to be around me so much anymore. Or open up to me and have the deep conversations I longed for. Or share the physical intimacy I missed.
But I drew the line at him disrespecting me.
If you’ve been criticized, insulted, yelled or cursed at, you know you deserve better!
When respect is lost in a relationship, it’s a lonely place to be. I felt so hurt and frustrated as I kept trying to tell him how to give me the love and respect I needed.
But it never got me the connection I wanted. I learned the hard way that demanding respect does not work. Here are four ways I softened my approach and saw amazing results with my husband.
1) Follow the Golden Rule of Communication
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Have you ever shared an issue with your man, just wanting to be heard and validated, but he jumps straight into fix-it mode, telling you what to do? As if you couldn’t figure it out for yourself.
Argh, talk about annoying!
Yet how often do we go straight to knowing better and wanting to “help” him when he shares something, rather than giving him that same chance just to feel heard?
If you’re ready to try something different, something that will have you feeling heard and him opening up to you more and more, I have three magic words for you.
Are you ready?
“I hear you.”
Valerie was feeling hugely disrespected when, as she was innocently giving her boss an update, he laid into her and started criticizing her in front of thirty-five other people.
While she wanted to run the other way, she managed to eek out the words “I hear you” (somehow more than once).
She was amazed by what happened next.
Her boss apologized to her. In front of thirty-five other people.
She saw what a shiny mirror she is. When she showed up with respect, he mirrored the same thing, restoring respect himself.
Valerie’s other superpower that day involved some ordinary duct tape.
Picturing it over her mouth empowered her not to react or defend or RSVP yes to the fight her boss was picking with her.
As the Chinese proverb says, “If you are patient in one moment of anger, you will escape a hundred days of sorrow.”
Want to cultivate your own superpowers of respect?
Here’s an experiment for you: Try listening to your man with your duct tape handy, saying only “I hear you.” No agreeing or disagreeing, being helpful or even giving your opinion. Just listen; give him the gift of listening respectfully. (As you’ve probably gathered, the “Golden Rule of Communication” I was referring to is to communicate less and listen more–a lot more.)
Try it for as long as you can, and soon enough he will.
2) Listen for His Heart Message
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Leslie had a cute habit of mowing the lawn wearing her showercap so burrs wouldn’t stick in her hair.
One day, she forgot to take it off when she came back inside. Her husband caught a glimpse of her and sounded none too kind as he said, “When you tell me I only love you when you’re skinny, look at you now–look at you now, and I still love you.”
Yikes, sounds a lot like he just called her fat and ugly!
She would have been well within her rights to point that out and start a fight. Instead, she was able to smile and walk away.
Yes, we have another superheroine on our hands. But how did she manage to stay so dignified and even pleasant?
She knew that those words were bait that could lure her into reacting. And that she didn’t have to even nibble at it. Sure, she could have, but that would cost her the connection she really wanted. To her, it just wasn’t worth sacrificing the intimacy.
Plus, she knew that a heart message often lay hidden even beneath words that seemed hurtful on the surface.
In this case, the heart message was loud and clear: Her man adored her, no matter what she looked like!
Keeping her duct tape handy gave her the space to hear it–and to avoid a cold war.
3) Set the Stage for Self-Respect
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Are you ready for the crucial ingredient that will make the odds of being able to summon your own superpowers way higher?
It’s like Popeye opening a can of spinach, and it’s called self-care.
Believe it or not, it requires getting rid of your superwoman cape.
If you’re working all day, dealing with carpool and juggling activities, only to be greeted with a pile of dirty laundry and having to make dinner, again, then clean up and get the kids to bed then crumple in an exhausted heap and do it all over again the next day, you know exactly what I’m talking about.
I know, I know–I grew up learning that I could do it all too!
They just left out the part about the burnout and resentment that would come with carrying so much on my shoulders. Especially when I felt like the only grownup in the house since I was married to a big Loser Pants lying around on the sofa.
Yes, you can do anything. But you can’t do everything.
Being overwhelmed made me feel (and act) like my mother on her worst day–not conducive to showing up as my best self. At all.
Naturally, my husband did not want to get too close to that prickly porcupine of a wife, much less be intimate with her.
Something else goes missing when we’re trying to keep everybody else happy: our own happiness.
When my happiness went missing, I was able to get it back, but it took some practice…
Practicing getting facials, napping, playing volleyball, going to the bookstore, and playing Words with Friends.
We teach others how to treat us, based on how we treat ourselves.
How are you treating yourself?
How would it fit to treat yourself to something luxurious today? Whether it’s a massage, window shopping, coffee with a girlfriend, or just taking a timeout to lie down and kick your feet up for ten minutes?
The more I started kicking my feet up instead of doing the dishes, the more my husband stepped up to do things to make me happy. In fact, he does all the dishes now!
4) Get Your Friends and Family in on It
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Avoid male bashing.
This one seems easy, right, like it goes without saying?
Yet how many times have you heard women joke, “I have four children, including my husband”?
Or roll her eyes behind his back?
Or bemoan that men are stupid and lazy?
What you focus on increases. If you keep repeating the story that your man disrespects you, that increases.
Not to mention–and I know that this is going to sound bad but–those closest to us aren’t always the ones rooting for the relationship to succeed. Loved ones hate to see you in pain and will do whatever it takes to stop the pain, even if that means telling you to call it quits.
Even if your own vision is for a peaceful, playful, passionate marriage.
Enrolling friends and relatives in a relationship story they can’t root for makes it way harder to keep focusing on–and increasing–your own vision.
And you shouldn’t have to go it alone, especially at a time you most need support.
Sometimes you do need to vent (just not to your husband). Having a community of like-minded women can make all the difference in making your marriage magical again. Check out a free support group like the Adored Wife Facebook group.
Now that you have four ways to inspire the respect you deserve, which will you try first?
I was the perfect wife–until I actually got married. When I tried to tell my husband how to be more romantic, more ambitious, and tidier, he avoided me. I dragged him to marriage counseling and nearly divorced him. I then started talking to women who had what I wanted in their marriages and that’s when I got my miracle. The man who wooed me returned.
I wrote a few books about what I learned and accidentally started a worldwide movement of women who practice The Six Intimacy SkillsImage may be NSFW. Clik here to view. that lead to having amazing, vibrant relationships. The thing I’m most proud of is my playful, passionate relationship with my hilarious husband John–who has been dressing himself since before I was born.
4 Ways to Heal after the Heartbreak and Reconcile with Your Spouse
If you’ve been through a separation, you already know it’s probably one of the most hurtful things you can go through. It’s incredibly painful to reach the point where you can no longer be with the person you thought was your forever.
It’s especially heart-wrenching when a part of you still wants to be together. Or maybe you know with all your heart that you want to save your marriage but he has made it clear he’s done. It sure is easy to feel hopeless if you’re in that boat.
But is your situation hopeless? Maybe you are showing signs of reconciliation after a separation.
What are the signs, you ask?
Well, there are three big ones: You’re reading this post. You want to reconcile. You’re willing to try something different.
If that’s the boat you’re in, then there is hope for saving your marriage, even if you are legally separated already.
If you’re looking for a marriage reconciliation plan that works, here are four ways to rebuild your marriage after a separation.
1) Envision Life after Reconciliation
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Rena wasn’t even sure she wanted to save her marriage. Her husband had left her and their two children. Then, she found out that he was having an affair. AND that he’d slept with prostitutes over the course of their marriage. On top of all that, he had the nerve to blame her for their problems all these years!
It seemed pretty clear that divorce was the way to go. Especially after he bought his own house and was now in another country with his mistress.
But Rena still had this little voice deep down saying she wanted to save this marriage and reconcile her family.
If she could have looked into a crystal ball to see her future, she would see her husband back home. He was serving her a cappuccino while she sat back and relaxed on a video call.
It’s true. One day he came home and said, “I miss you. I love you…”
She kept bracing herself for the but.
Instead, she heard the words, “And I’m sorry.”
If, like Rena, you’re unsure whether you even want to try, sitting on that fence is a darn uncomfortable place to be.
But what if you knew–with unshakable certainty–that you too could save your marriage?
Why not have a chat with your future self? Let her tell you about the handholding and deep talks, shared laughter and romantic getaways that lie ahead for you.
How would you show up differently today if you knew that was your outcome?
Rena decided to show up differently in two key ways.
First, after getting in touch with her desire to stay married, she said so. She simply told her husband, “I would love to stay married.” She was able to let go of any expectation or attachment, knowing that she would be okay no matter what. She relinquished control of his actions and his timeline by focusing on herself.
Secondly, to stay firmly off the fence, she quit listening to the naysayers or confiding in anyone who wasn’t 100% supportive of her vision for her marriage. All those well-meaning friends and family saying “you deserve better” because they want the best for you are just another obstacle to reconciliation.
You always get to choose either your faith or your fear. When your marriage is in crisis, it’s easy enough to choose fear on your own; others piling it on makes it harder to choose faith.
So Rena leaned on her relationship coach instead. And got served (I’m talking about cappuccino, not the divorce papers). And has a happy family to show for her courage in focusing on the outcome she wanted instead of the one she feared.
2) Rebuild the Trust; Build Your Own Life
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Maria’s marriage seemed just fine, so she was shocked when her husband abruptly told her he wanted a break. He moved out, and she found out he was seeing his secretary.
When you’re as devastated as Maria was, it seems impossible not to fixate on him. The questions swirling through your mind tend to sound like this: Why did he leave? What is he thinking and feeling? What’s he doing right now? Where is he, and who is he with? What are his intentions for the future? Is he done?
Maria had coaching support, so she saw that such questions resided in the realm of inappropriate control–precisely the kind of disrespect that pushes a man away. Badgering him with such questions would further chip away at the very trust she wanted to restore. She knew it was vital to show respect for his thinking and give him the space to work through what he needed to work through.
Her antidote was to keep the focus on herself. But how? Rena had called it “Project Build Your Own Life,” which for her meant going out for tea time or champagne with friends, relaxing in her garden and thinking about what she wanted to do with her career.
Maria’s Project Build Your Own Life meant taking good care of herself. Sure, she wished her husband would take care of her, maybe buy her flowers. So she bought them for herself, surrounding herself with sunflowers.
She too spent time thinking about her own future and considered going overseas to continue her studies.
Her husband, who had started coming over more and more, talked her out of leaving the country.
Then, one day, he came home for good. The front desk girl was gone.
He started kissing Maria on the lips, something he had quit doing, and holding hands in public, which she said never happened. He also began saying “I love you” multiple times a day, which he had never done in all their years of marriage.
He held her so tight at night, she had to sleep crooked.
3) Become a Lighthouse
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Zoë’s divorce paperwork had already been filed, but she wasn’t ready to give up yet. With the support of her relationship coach, she was able to maintain a relationship with her husband while he moved out, sold their house, and finalized the divorce.
Throughout all this, Zoë continued to “date” him. He took her out to eat and initiated physical intimacy. This was part of her vision for her marriage, so she chose to receive it all graciously.
In fact, she treated every interaction as a date, even their divorce proceedings! She showed up in a little black dress. He took her out for a steak dinner afterwards.
About a year later, she emailed her coach an update: “Dan and I are going strong. We’ve remarried, and just bought our dream house.”
How in the world did she do it?
How did she manage to show up as this fun, flirty woman when she must have been dying inside of gut-wrenching pain?
How was she not a weepy mess every time he showed up, like the puddle left over by the waterlogged Wicked Witch of the West?
She could easily have showed up that way or pulled the blame card or tried to guilt him into coming home. None of that would have been very attractive though.
Instead, like hundreds of other women on our campus who have attracted their husbands back, she became irresistible through self-care. Such women report that it was the best of times and the worst of times, all at the same time!
For Zoë, lots of hiking, nature outings, and leisurely reading increased her magnetism. She also wanted a garden tub as part of her self-care. Her man searched high and low to find her an apartment with a garden tub. That was just more evidence that he was eager to please her.
No wonder, as she kept teaching him to please her by pleasing herself. Becoming responsible for her own happiness empowered her to let go of resentment and emotional baggage, to quit recycling the same old problems.
It allowed her to express gratitude instead of grief.
They remarried about a year after the divorce. True story!
4) Own Up to Your Mistakes
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Gretchen was heartbroken when her husband left her. He said he was 100% sure he wanted a divorce. She should have known it would come to this since he had broken off their engagement not once but ten times.
Things seemed completely hopeless now that he said he didn’t even want to see her. Still, she wanted to know that she had done everything in her power to save her marriage, so she decided to get a relationship coach.
As she shared with her coach, his mother was insisting that he choose between the two of them, and Gretchen wanted to tell him to man up and make a decision. But she saw that her old default wasn’t exactly working for her, so she took a totally different tack. She decided to apologize for being disrespectful for how she had criticized him and told him what to do in the past.
She knew she had to clean up her side of the street before she could express her desire to stay married purely, without any mess in the way.
After just that one coaching call, he seemed incapable of sticking to his resolution to stay away from her. They talked for a full hour.
By coaching call #3, he said he wanted to reconcile. He asked to spend time together. They had dinner, played games, saw a movie, and had sex (twice in one visit)!
In call #4, she said he was really trying to save their marriage (not to mention initiating more physical intimacy).
Gretchen was itching to ask his intentions for the future of their relationship. Worrying he was on the fence made it hard for her to stay off the fence herself. But somehow she surrendered the outcome, truly letting go. Giving him the space to go through whatever he needed to go through was another way she showed respect, which was like giving oxygen to their relationship.
As a result, he opened up to her more and more. He shared about conflicting feelings sometimes painful for her to hear, but even then she was able to listen respectfully, to really listen, without defending, correcting, or problem solving, but simply saying “I hear you.”
Her respect proved irresistible–and sexy too. By coaching call #5, he started sleeping over.
By call #6, they were having three-hour phone conversations, and he was texting that he couldn’t wait to see her again.
Sometimes control would come up as she pushed him to move back in, and she would apologize for being disrespectful again.
By call #9, she reported that she’d had so many wins she didn’t even know where to start. But the headline was: He had moved back in!
They were combining their accounts and bought a new car together. She told him she wanted to move to Florida, so he immediately contacted his manager to put the plan in motion. She said they were super happy and he wanted to spend lots of time together.
Finally, in her last coaching call, they were having a really good time (at the beach in their new home state of Florida). “He does so much,” she gushed. The romance was alive and well–he even proposed making a mosaic with the glass they had smashed at their wedding.
Gretchen wisely knew it would be too hard to go it alone at a time when she most needed support.
If you too could use a community of like-minded women standing for your vision for your relationship, check out a free Facebook group like The Adored Wife.
What is your vision for your relationship? Now that you know the marriage reconciliation plan, what action will you take today to honor that vision?
I was the perfect wife–until I actually got married. When I tried to tell my husband how to be more romantic, more ambitious, and tidier, he avoided me. I dragged him to marriage counseling and nearly divorced him. I then started talking to women who had what I wanted in their marriages and that’s when I got my miracle. The man who wooed me returned.
I wrote a few books about what I learned and accidentally started a worldwide movement of women who practice The Six Intimacy SkillsImage may be NSFW. Clik here to view. that lead to having amazing, vibrant relationships. The thing I’m most proud of is my playful, passionate relationship with my hilarious husband John–who has been dressing himself since before I was born.
Does your husband always have friends over? Or talk to his best friend more than you?
Worse yet, how are you supposed to deal with a husband who goes out all the time?
Whether he’s a social butterfly or a barfly, not being his number one is downright disappointing. It can feel hopeless and so lonely. And make you angry too! Going it alone surely isn’t what you had in mind when you said “I do.”
Maybe you’ve tried throwing down the gauntlet and told him you need him to spend more time with you. If so, you already know that setting ultimatums and making him choose only pushes him further away.
Fortunately, there is an alternative, one that actually works.
Here’s what to do when your husband puts his friends first so that you can become irresistible and get the attention you deserve.
1) Learn How to Navigate Control
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How have you tried to get your man to spend more time with you?
I asked nicely. I asked angrily. I pleaded. I told him how I felt. (I felt like he’d rather unclog his mom’s toilet than spend time with me.)
Criticizing, cajoling, and controlling didn’t feel very dignified.
Worse yet, none of it worked!
The only relationship that improved was his relationship with the remote.
That’s because all my misguided attempts to make him spend time with me were disrespectful. And I had no idea that respect is like oxygen for men.
I had no idea I was being disrespectful, for that matter.
That’s because disrespect and inappropriate control can look a lot like being the best wife ever.
Exhibit A: Yvonne felt like she had to drop what she wanted to do to be at her husband’s disposal if she was to have any chance of spending time together. This meant being at his beck and call for three-hour talks, even if she was hungry or yawning or really had to pee.
They were on the brink of divorce, and if she rocked the boat she feared he would be gone for good. He had resolved to stay away from her, so she had to take what she could get, whatever it might cost her…
Right?
As considerate as all of this seemed toward him, somehow it was never enough. With the support of her relationship coach, Yvonne saw that bending over backwards for him wasn’t serving her but was part of what had led to their breakdown. She realized that trying to make him happy out of fear of displeasing him was actually a form of manipulation.
So she changed the dance.
The next time he launched into one of their marathon talks, she told him she needed to go eat–a brave start to putting her own needs and limitations first.
That’s when a surprising thing happened. He started being more considerate of her. He offered to talk earlier, when she had more time.
The tone of their talks changed too. He went from clearly not enjoying it, just going through the motions to do his sacrificial duty as a husband, to wanting to talk to her.
He giggled, “I always have time for my wife”–and meant it. He not only started asking to spend time together, he asked to reconcile. These days, they spend lots of time together (something they used to fight over).
What are some ways you’ve tried to be a good wife that don’t seem to be serving you?
Making his meals every day but not letting him have a say with parenting? Trying to help with his diet, wardrobe, or career (kinda like his mom would)? Or “helping” with decisions by bringing in the debate team?
How could you change the dance to let him be The Man and step up as your hero?
Because when you start showing that you trust his thinking and expect the best outcome, that’s exactly what he’ll do.
And if he wants a guy’s night every week, there’s an opportunity right there to show that you do respect his choices.
2) Respect His Guy Time
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It can be hurtful when he retreats into his man cave. Here you’ve spent all day looking forward to the moment you can snuggle together on the sofa with a bottle of wine and Netflix. But when the kids are finally in bed, he hightails it out to the porch to play online poker. It’s hard not to take that personally.
Sure, the dreaded man cave can be a symptom of the disrespect and control we’ve been talking about. But once you’ve restored respect and let go of inappropriate control, in its many guises, there’s a good chance that his retreat has nothing to do with you.
Maybe he had a stressful day or just needs some me time. That’s right: Men need self-care too.
If you’re anything like I was, you already know how attractive it is to try to make him be with you; it’s like trying to stick two magnets together the wrong way.
For different results, why not try a different approach?
Like giving him space instead of trying to force those magnets.
Leslie kept trying to make her husband, Rick, spend family time going for a walk. But Rick just seemed to sink deeper into the sofa when she’d make the dreaded announcement that it was time for a walk (her cue to give him the evil eye).
She recognized that this dynamic was not working, so she decided to switch her approach. In fact, she let go of trying to get him to do anything. After all, she’d spent years trying to control him and he was less inclined than ever to please her. So she focused on pleasing herself. Instead of expecting him to fulfill her desires, she honored them herself, including going for her evening walk.
Rick seemed relieved that she wasn’t asking anything of him. He even thanked her for it, as if she were finally hearing him. Even his favorite T-shirt had been trying to tell her: “I need my space” (said a stargazer under the NASA logo).
Then, one day as she headed out the door with the kids, Rick shouted, “Wait for me!” and scrambled to get his shoes on.
It felt so good not only that he was spending time with her but that he was doing it because he wanted to.
Turns out, respecting a man’s need for space is pretty attractive–and great for the relationship. Having his own life apart from you (work, hobbies, friends, his guy time) actually helps him to be a good husband.
3) Find Your Independence
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Even if you’re determined to respect his guy time, you’re only human. You might get annoyed when he’s at that darn video game again or watching the Walking Dead marathon until he starts to resemble a zombie himself. Except a zombie would actually acknowledge your existence.
If you find yourself begrudging his self-care, that is valuable information. Because it’s usually a warning light that your self-care tank is starting to run low.
It’s tempting to take the bait that you’re the only grown-up in the house and now have to do dinner, cleanup, bathtime and bedtime since he obviously has no intention of lifting a finger. However, you know that doing everything yourself will make you resentful.
Well, you could choose resentment, sure. Or you could choose intimacy. What if you were to hightail it out the door yourself? Or to the bathtub? Or to bed for a catnap?
I know, I know. You’re the wife! You don’t have that luxury. Somebody has to get it done.
The question is: Who put it all on your shoulders?
In my case, it was me. Once I quit the nasty habit of doing everything myself, there was a lot more space for my husband to step up and be the hero. And as it turns out, I love my space too. Because he even started doing dishes. Then, he started doing all the dishes! To this day, I do not have to wash a dirty dish.
This is about honoring yourself–your limitations, your desires, and your need for your own self-care. That’s right–I said need. Just as respect is like oxygen for men, self-care is like oxygen for women.
This is not about having a power struggle to make him do anything or about bowing to his whims either.
That goes for spending time together too. If he only spends time with you if his friends cancel on him, you can respectfully say that you have other plans. Setting the stage for self-respect has a way of inspiring him to follow suit.
Part of Yvonne’s recipe for becoming “super happy,” as she came to describe herself, was cultivating her own life rich in self-care. She even gave herself permission to move to an expensive apartment where she could take walks around the marina.
What would make you super happy?
For me, the answer meant scrapping my old ideas about what I thought constituted self-care. Yoga, chia seed green juice, and boot camp workouts were all good for me, sure, but they did not feel joyful while I was doing them.
Volleyball, poker, and chocolate, on the other hand, did.
Some essentials on my list are creative, spiritual, and social self-care. Surrounding yourself with your own circle of friends or a community of like-minded women is healthy for both you and your marriage.
What’s on your self-care list?
What if you started to schedule at least three things from your list every day? Imagine what it would look like to be so filled up that you could show up to your relationship as your best self.
Here’s what I see: Your man will immediately go out of his way to be in your presence. It’s a virtuous cycle where he’ll want to do even more to add to your happiness. That’s because nothing is more contagious than his wife’s happiness!
4) Make Your Couple Moments Memorable
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Piling on your own self-care not only frees you from resenting him for being the King of Self-Care; it is the key to turning the magnet around the right way.
It empowers you to honor how you feel and what you want. To make your favorite meal or order it if you’re too tired to cook.
To show up fun and flirty. To flaunt your femininity, putting on an outfit you feel great in (and feeling even better when he starts to notice you again).
To break your routine. To mention (while telling him how much you loved your previous sex sesh) something you’d love to try next time you’re in the bedroom.
To express your desires in a way that inspires, like mentioning that you’d love to visit Tennessee or Bali. (Yvonne told her husband she wanted to move to Florida, and less than two months later they did just that!)
To send him sexy texts, watch a funny movie, share inside jokes. To remember the old days, including what attracted you to him–and to remember the woman you were when you attracted him.
Now that you have all these powerful ways to become your man’s priority, what will you do first to prioritize yourself?
I was the perfect wife–until I actually got married. When I tried to tell my husband how to be more romantic, more ambitious, and tidier, he avoided me. I dragged him to marriage counseling and nearly divorced him. I then started talking to women who had what I wanted in their marriages and that’s when I got my miracle. The man who wooed me returned.
I wrote a few books about what I learned and accidentally started a worldwide movement of women who practice The Six Intimacy SkillsImage may be NSFW. Clik here to view. that lead to having amazing, vibrant relationships. The thing I’m most proud of is my playful, passionate relationship with my hilarious husband John–who has been dressing himself since before I was born.
Don’t Sign on the Dotted Line Just Yet. Try These 3 Things First.
When is it too late to stop a divorce?
It’s not too late for you.
How do I know?
Well, if you’re still married and you’re reading this, that tells me deep down you want to stay married. And, as the wife, you are the keeper of the marriage, which means that you have the power to change the culture of your relationship.
If you’re so committed to your marriage that you’re doing this research and are willing to try something different, then it’s not too late to save your marriage.
So now what? If your husband wants a divorce, how do you change his mind?
The good news is that there are concrete things you can do to stop a divorce, even after separation.
Here’s what to do when your husband wants a divorce and you don’t–and how to make him love you again.
1) Release the Urge to Control
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Margot felt very alone. Her workaholic husband would leave before she got up in the morning and not come home until after she was in bed. On the rare occasions he was home (and not napping), he wouldn’t speak to her, but he did make it clear that he no longer found her attractive. And that he wanted to end the marriage.
She had already done her best to communicate her feelings and needs clearly. She’d told him how concerned she was about his choices and how they were affecting the marriage. She’d tried to make it clear that his grueling schedule was the problem.
She didn’t realize that she was actually criticizing him and his schedule. That this was controlling. That control was disrespectful. That respect was like oxygen for men. And that she was starving their marriage of oxygen. All of this was only natural because Margot was full of fear, which fuels inappropriate control and the cycle continues.
Once she was able to see these blindspots, Margot made a radical change: She relinquished control.
She quit trying to make her husband stay home–or even stay married. She quit focusing on him at all and focused on herself, fulfilling her own wants and needs.
Her surrendering experiment was so thorough that when their yard was overgrown with grass and weeds, she didn’t even try to get him to mow the lawn. Even though it was the eve of their daughter’s wedding, which was to take place at their house! She didn’t hint, offer a helpful reminder, a leading question, nada.
During this experiment, a funny thing happened.
He quit asking for a divorce.
Lots of other things happened too: The man who was supposedly not attracted to her anymore started initiating sex. He became affectionate like he had never been before, stroking her arm… Baring his heart to her… Taking her on a beautiful drive through the country. She’d also relinquished control of his self-care, and his blood pressure dropped from 200 to 117.
She said it was hard to believe that her marriage could be better than it ever was when she was just hoping he wouldn’t divorce her.
If you’re as afraid as Margot once was, it’s natural to become clingy or make demands, even if you know that they only push him further away. If you too have told your husband to change his choices or tried to convince him to stay, how has it served you?
What if you gave him some space instead? What if you let go of asking his whereabouts, checking his phone, or initiating another state-of-the-union talk?
Kicking the nasty habit of trying to control him into staying goes a long way toward him staying.
2) Change the Way You Communicate
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Liza was heartbroken when her husband announced, “I can’t do this anymore.” He said they’d better get a divorce because he just could not live with her anymore.
She spent her nights alone, crying.
It didn’t feel very dignified or empowering. But she found a way to tap into her power. She realized that she didn’t have to be a victim because she too had a part in the breakdown of their marriage.
After they had two children, she had insisted on the “right” way to do things–her way. She’d shut her husband out of parenting, which left her overwhelmed and resentful at having to do everything herself.
Once she saw her part, Liza changed her communication big time. She said something she had never said before: “I apologize for being disrespectful,” and she referenced all the years she’d been controlling and critical.
With those foreign words in the air, things changed at their house too.
The man who never helped her began taking the kids out so she could have some alone time. He helped the kids with their homework and even cleaned the house. He started following Liza around the house to kiss her and enjoy her touch.
She says their marriage is now beyond what she ever could have imagined.
What would happen if you too were to make the first move and apologize for the things that you did to contribute to the breakdown?
Another way of changing the communication is not to communicate at all.
I know this sounds foreign too, but hear me out. If your husband makes a snide remark, reacting with an emotional outburst typically damages your connection even further. Not taking the bait keeps your dignity intact and leaves his rude words hanging there in the air where he can’t avoid them.
Less is more when communicating with others too. As tempting as it can be, badmouthing him to your friends, family or your kids deepens the wound and makes it much harder to heal.
That doesn’t mean stuffing your feelings or having to suffer in silence either. Turning to like-minded women, such as the Adored Wives in my free support group, gives you a big edge when it comes to saving your marriage.
3) Show Up as Your Best Self
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Let’s face it–what I’ve introduced so far is a pretty tall order. Nixing neediness and control on top of having the vulnerability to clean up your side of the street would be a big deal for anyone, all the more so when he seems dead set on heading out the door and you’re emotionally spent.
Being on the brink of divorce is draining. It’s hard to be your best self when you’re exhausted.
That’s why self-care is the indispensable first step to intimacy.
Mina knew this firsthand. Her 23-year marriage had endured religious differences, pornography addiction, bankruptcy, a miscarriage, life-threatening medical challenges, and verbal and physical abuse.
The D word was thrown around in heated arguments. They had already been through betrayals and two separations.
When they reconciled after their first separation a decade in, Mina was determined never to lose him again.
She figured her stretched-out body after multiple pregnancies was a big reason he wasn’t happy with her, so she lost a lot of weight, got lipo and breast implants, had nine pounds of skin surgically removed from her belly, straightened her teeth, and got hair extensions.
Staying the way she thought he wanted her to look took a lot of time, energy, and money. She was still exhausted–and still terrified of losing him.
Her fear and fatigue settled into a frown, which is unattractive on even the perfect body.
So she tried something different. She started a smile campaign, smiling at her husband and everyone else at every opportunity. She revived her feminine side and flirted her head off with her man.
She dove into self-care. She gets her nails done but doesn’t even count that as self-care because it doesn’t make her ridiculously happy. What does?
After work, she treats herself to Starbucks and gives herself half an hour to wind down. She might watch the ocean and do nothing else. That is a big deal for a mother of five. She even leaves her phone in the car.
Nature is key to her self-care. She recently mentioned to her husband that she wished she had bird feeders to attract birds to their home. They now have bird feeders everywhere, thanks to him, and she can’t get enough of photographing the cardinals and parrots that visit every day.
This is but one example of him jumping to fulfill her desires ever since he became her hero practically overnight once she became pleasable.
Speaking of desires, he started initiating sex again too. (Like Margot and Liza, she apologized to restore respect, and respect turns out to be the biggest aphrodisiac.)
Mina reports that love and admiration, laughter and fun times are now the norm at their house every day. And, for the first time in twenty-five years, she genuinely feels beautiful, from the inside out.
What self-care would make you feel better? Or guilty, even?
I’m not talking about things you should do, like eat healthier or work out harder, but activities that bring you joy. And bring a smile to your face, which makes you attractive.
If you decide to put these three proven techniques for saving your marriage into action, you will surprise him–and yourself–in the best possible way.
Once you get your miracle, you might even end up grateful for the breakdown before the breakthrough.
I was the perfect wife–until I actually got married. When I tried to tell my husband how to be more romantic, more ambitious, and tidier, he avoided me. I dragged him to marriage counseling and nearly divorced him. I then started talking to women who had what I wanted in their marriages and that’s when I got my miracle. The man who wooed me returned.
I wrote a few books about what I learned and accidentally started a worldwide movement of women who practice The Six Intimacy SkillsImage may be NSFW. Clik here to view. that lead to having amazing, vibrant relationships. The thing I’m most proud of is my playful, passionate relationship with my hilarious husband John–who has been dressing himself since before I was born.
Women often wonder: What are the top unhappy marriage signs?
Well, if your husband is always negative and angry, I don’t need to tell you what a drag that is.
It is painful when your husband is unhappy with you. Or negative about everything! It’s so lonely and disheartening too. I mean, is this even the same man you said “I do” to?
Even if that fun, sweet man has become unrecognizable, the good news is that you can bring him back.
If you’re suffering from Miserable Husband Syndrome, here are four ways to get back the man who attracted you.
1) Say These Three Sweet Words
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It’s natural to want to help your spouse, especially when he’s struggling.
That’s what I thought a good wife was supposed to do. Then I actually did it for a while, helping my husband with his career, his money, his wardrobe, his diet, and so on. I was brilliant at diagnosing exactly what the problem was and troubleshooting to find solutions for him.
He wasn’t exactly brilliant at taking my suggestions though, so nothing changed. Worse yet, before long he didn’t want to be intimate or be around me much, period. It seemed that the sofa was now sexier than I was.
I had no idea that “helpful” in wife language means “controlling” in husband language. I was acting like his mom. No wonder he didn’t want to have sex with me! (Men are not attracted to their mothers, FYI.)
How have you tried to “help” your man, and how has it served you?
How would it fit to try something different? Like letting go of trying to get him to talk to you about what’s wrong? Letting go of making him “wrong” in the first place? Or the next time he is venting, letting go of fix-it mode and just listening instead?
A powerful tool for showing that you respect what he’s saying, whether you agree or disagree, consists of three sweet little words…
“I hear you.”
The more he hears those magic words, the safer he’ll feel opening up and sharing more with you. Which gives him the opportunity to diagnose exactly what he needs.
That doesn’t mean you have to sit there and take whatever he dishes out. Saying “I hear you” and honoring what you want to do is a great out if the negativity is weighing you down and listening to one more word will leave you angry, hurt, or resentful.
After lots of I hear you’s over here, now I can’t be on the sofa, even if I’m trying to work on my laptop, without my husband scooching up to be close to me.
That’s what happens when you give him the breathing room to figure things out, leaving him to his own thinking and being there for him when he is ready to talk.
2) Be Patient but Proactive
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When someone is feeling down, any judgment or criticism can come across as kicking him while he’s down.
When it’s the hardest to catch him doing something good, that’s when he could most use such affirmation.
When was the last time you told your man what you love about him? Whether it’s how he provides for the family, his handyman skills, or the goofy way he plays with the kids, what are his strong points?
This may sound like a tall order right now. Why should you have to kiss up to him when he’s so glaringly out of line?
At least, that’s how Cecilia felt. She had completely lost sight of her husband’s finer points because he was in a serious funk. He was depressed, drinking a lot, and spiraling.
Naturally, she was all over him, telling him what to do and what not to do, especially when it came to his drinking.
Nothing helped. It got so bad, she thought he was going to die. At one point, he actually ended up in the hospital, pre-diabetic and at risk of having a stroke.
It was scary. Something clearly needed to change. But, frustratingly, none of her efforts to make it change were working. So Cecilia revised her approach and did something radical: She relinquished control. No more telling him what to do or not to do.
She also quit focusing on all the evidence of how unhealthy he was, including checking his blood work (which was a terrifying read anyway).
She went a step further and started seeking evidence that he was healthy. The evidence was so scarce, she scrambled to find any. Aha! He was drinking water–that was a start.
She even spoke her affirmation aloud, telling him “I love seeing you so healthy!” If she sounded like a crazy person, so be it. She was willing to take that risk on the chance that this experiment might turn things around.
And turn things around, she did.
The following year, Cecilia shared that her husband had just celebrated one year of sobriety in recovery from alcoholism. He’d also lost 75 pounds!
His confidence was through the roof, and the intimacy was so good–“super fun,” in her words.
They were counting their macronutrients together. Who was this man?! He was a man who brought home information on a trainer because he wanted to start going to the gym too.
Cecilia is not unique in being a powerful manifester. It’s the law of attraction: What you focus on increases.
What have you been focusing on and inadvertently increasing?
How could you flip this focus into the reality you want to experience?
Now get ready to find out just what a powerful manifester you are. (Don’t say I didn’t warn you!)
3) Find Your Happy Place
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It can be really hard to show up happy yourself with Eeyore around. Maybe you’re just fine–until he walks in the door. Which makes sense. How are you supposed to act happy-go-lucky with a dark cloud looming under your own roof?
The problem is, as the woman, you are the keeper of the relationship.
In my book, that’s a great “problem” to have because it means that you have all the power to create the culture you want.
Betty’s husband was struggling with substance abuse and mental health issues.
She knew she couldn’t fix his unhappiness for him, but she could become responsible for her own happiness.
It was hard to make time for self-care with her rigorous work schedule though. She found a way to quit working summers and to work less during the school year too. This freed up time for long motorcycle rides, spending time in nature, playing with her dogs, and devotional self-care.
These may sound like very frivolous reasons to sacrifice her work. But here’s what happened when she put her self-care first…
She discovered how shiny and magnetic she was to her husband when she was happy. He started calling her throughout the day, just to say hi, and coming home earlier. He’d take long weekends and other time off and plan vacations and fun adventures for the two of them.
And he got himself the support he needed to let go of the burdens he had been carrying.
It proved highly respectful–and highly attractive–to focus on her own happiness and leave his happiness to him.
Just as Cecilia had quit broadcasting her own anxiety and seeing it reflected back to her, Betty quit broadcasting stress and overwhelm. When she started broadcasting happiness instead, her husband got the message that he was safe opening up to her (thanks also to those magic words in step #1).
How could you stock up on your own happiness points? What self-care would make you feel better–physically and emotionally, spiritually and socially–so you can mirror exactly what you want to see reflected back to you?
4) Call in a Professional
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For yourself, that is.
I know this seems backwards. Most “experts” will tell you to have him seek professional help. Maybe you’ve already tried. If so, you know that you can’t make him get help because you cannot control another person, only yourself.
You could give him an ultimatum, sure. Something like, “Either get help or I’m done.”
Maybe you’ve reached the point of being able to say that and mean it. Only you know for sure because you are the expert on your life.
If what you really want is to save your marriage and attract back the fun man you married though, trying to control him, including with an ultimatum, will cost you the connection and contentment you really want.
Men do not like being controlled and will retreat further away.
If you see a need for professional help, why not set the pace by reaching out for such support yourself? A good relationship coach or marital support group, like the free Adored Wife Facebook group, is invaluable.
You should not have to go it alone at a time when you could most use the support.
If your marriage feels like it’s falling apart, you might think it’s too late to apply this checklist to bring back your happy guy. But when women on our campus find the courage to experiment even when they think it’s completely hopeless, to paraphrase Thomas Wolfe, miracles not only happen–they happen all the time.
I was the perfect wife–until I actually got married. When I tried to tell my husband how to be more romantic, more ambitious, and tidier, he avoided me. I dragged him to marriage counseling and nearly divorced him. I then started talking to women who had what I wanted in their marriages and that’s when I got my miracle. The man who wooed me returned.
I wrote a few books about what I learned and accidentally started a worldwide movement of women who practice The Six Intimacy SkillsImage may be NSFW. Clik here to view. that lead to having amazing, vibrant relationships. The thing I’m most proud of is my playful, passionate relationship with my hilarious husband John–who has been dressing himself since before I was born.
Want a Red-Hot Romance like the Movies? You’re 4 Steps Away.
If your husband never does anything romantic, it’s a sad place to be.
You know he’s capable of being sweeter than he’s being. I mean, he turned on the charm to get that ring on you. Was that just to lure you in for the old bait and switch where you’re taken for granted while he lies around scratching his groin like Al Bundy?
Now that you’ve put in all the hard work to build a life together, it’s like he values you less, not more.
If you’re seeing the signs your husband doesn’t value you, it is so hurtful. It’s tempting to start feeling hopeless when your husband is not thoughtful.
And if you go to Google for the prognosis, forget about it. A lot of the so-called experts out there will steer you straight to divorce court.
That’s probably not your desired destination or you wouldn’t be reading this right now.
If what you really want is to revive the romance and make it last, read on. Here are four concrete steps you can take today to start feeling desired, taken care of and special–pronto.
1) Create a Romance Plan of Action
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As you well know, your husband is not a mind reader.
Maybe you’ve already tried to spell your needs out for him. If you’re anything like I was, it sounded something like this: “I need you to spend more time with me” or “I need you to be more romantic.”
The problem is, saying something like that comes across as a complaint. And a criticism.
Here’s a spoiler alert: Criticizing and complaining do not spur your man to action. They’re actually less attractive, not more–basically as repellant as two magnets facing the wrong way.
To flip those magnets around, try this instead. Have a conversation about how much you miss spending time with him.
For a really great conversation, say these three little words: “I miss you.”
And that’s it.
Not what you had in mind?
I know, I know. As women, we tend to have a lot more words than our men.
That’s part of why four of the most dreaded words in the male culture are “We need to talk.”
Having a state of the union address trying to find out where he stands or what he plans not only hurts the very intimacy you’re trying to cultivate, it’s selling yourself short.
As the woman, you are the keeper of your relationship. So it’s a lot less important what he wants than what you want.
And what you’re planning to do about it.
What if, instead of waiting around for him to woo you (and being disappointed when pigs don’t fly), you created a romance plan of action?
It’s easy to know what you don’t want. What is it that you do want?
Rather, if you could wave a magic wand, what would you be doing on that date? Trying the new Ethiopian restaurant? Taking a Sunday drive? Or a getaway to Aruba?
Now we’re getting somewhere!
Once you have a clear vision of exactly the outcome you want, express your desire in a way that inspires, like this: “I would love to try the new Ethiopian restaurant!”
Notice you’re not asking him for anything. There’s no expectation placed on him at all and no pouty face if he doesn’t hop to it. That would be controlling, which is as repellant as complaint and criticism.
Instead, you’re just putting your desire out there, sharing the excitement of being a woman who knows what she wants, kind of like a kid would exclaim “I want a new Iron Man Lego set!”
Beverly had that excitement when she expressed her desire to stay at an extravagant hotel. There was zero expectation attached because she was sure it would never happen; it was just way out of their ballpark financially.
Until, for her birthday, he drove her to this extravagant hotel.
Beverly felt like a princess. When they pulled up, her husband had a big, loving smile as he watched her face light up with surprise and delight. What he couldn’t see was her heart fit to burst with gratitude. This hero going to any lengths to fulfill her desires was the same man who, ten months earlier, wouldn’t even go out to dinner with her because he wanted nothing to do with her.
2) Set the Mood for Intimacy
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If your man won’t even make love to you, much less such grand gestures, again there’s no need to sit around twiddling your thumbs.
I’m not talking about telling him “We need to have sex” or pointing out how long it’s been since the last time (read: complaining). I tried those old go-to’s plenty of times, and trust me, they’re not sexy. At all.
Rather, make the first move by showing that you’re available for sex, allowing him to initiate.
What’s that–you’ve forgotten how to seduce your man?
You should not have to jump through hoops to be attractive to your husband. You didn’t have to when you attracted him in the first place.
A lingering kiss, stroking his thigh, or telling him how excited you’re feeling is all it takes.
If you’re thinking “Yeah right. You don’t know my man,” you’re not alone.
Toni would wait for her husband in her skimpiest negligeé, but when he walked through the door and saw her, she might as well have been wearing the garbage man’s uniform.
If that’s your sexual situation too, there’s probably something else getting in the way of the intimacy you deserve, something no amount of lingerie can fix.
Chances are, what’s gone missing is the biggest aphrodisiac for men.
Nope, it does not require ginseng or pheromone perfume, oysters or asparagus (pew!).
The biggest aphrodisiac for men is actually respect.
And there’s a simple way to restore it if it has gone missing, using the seven words I share in “How to Deal With Disrespect in Marriage.” Those are the words Toni tried out, and now all it takes to get steamy is a kiss. Seriously.
If you go that route, there is a serious side effect, however: you might feel like you are wearing pheromone perfume (one that actually works)!
3) Give It Time
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Speaking of disrespect, trying out a plan like this one can be loaded with expectations that your husband become Mr. Darcy. Overnight.
It may take more than batting your eyelashes to get him to come hither. After all, your man is not a puppet. And it may not happen on your timeline.
But around here, women typically see results in two weeks.
If your expression of desires and vulnerability and even gratitude don’t cause the about-face you’re looking for, it’s possible that more control is coming across than vulnerability.
That’s because another key ingredient is probably missing, and it’s the indispensable first step to intimacy: taking care of yourself. Self-care increases your attractiveness like no beauty cream ever could.
What would it take to get your happy on?
I recommend scheduling three self-care activities per day–yes, per day–whether it’s picking up the phone to catch up with a girlfriend, getting out the old paintbrushes, cloud gazing, or trying the hip hop Zumba class sure to make you laugh (at yourself).
If the dishes don’t get washed because you’re prioritizing watching cat videos, so be it. Your relationship will thank you.
And if you’re too busy for self-care, that’s a good sign you might need it even more. Channel your inner Gandhi, who was not one to skimp on his self-care. As he said in the midst of his busy schedule as a lawyer, anti-colonial nationalist, political ethicist, leader of the resistance for India’s independence, and inspirer of civil rights movements and freedom around the world, “I have so much to accomplish today that I must meditate for two hours instead of one.”
Maybe it’s not meditation that makes you feel really good but reading celebrity gossip pages, having a rich dessert with coffee, or engaging in retail therapy. If it makes you feel a little guilty too, then you’re on the right track. When it comes to happiness-inducing activities, the more luxurious the better!
4) Change Your Perspectacles
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As Gandhi-like as you may be elsewhere, it can be so easy to see the glass half empty in your relationship. All the evidence of him not caring enough to make an effort or take you into consideration piles up until it’s hard to see anything else.
The more you collect such evidence, the more it snowballs. That’s because you are a powerful manifester, and what you focus on increases.
What if you were to focus on all that he’s doing right?
Woah, woah. All? From where you’re standing it may be hard to find a single thing.
Hmm… Does he go to work to provide for the family? Change the AC filter so you have clean air to breathe? Romp with the kids at the end of the day?
Even in those cases, your empty-glass alarms may be sounding. He works so much he barely has time for us! He waits two months to change the filter! He gets the kids all riled up right at bedtime!
If you could hear the heart message behind his gestures, however clumsy and imperfect they may be, all of them would be acts of love.
So next time he does the dishes when you’re tired or takes the kids to the park so you can enjoy a quiet afternoon at home, it’s exciting because now you have the opportunity to catch him doing something good.
Expressing your gratitude not only gives you a powerful new set of perspectacles, it inspires him to want to do more when he sees that he can add to your happiness.
Now that you’re sporting fancy new perspectacles, it’s time for a toast because glasses are fuller everywhere, until your cup is overflowing. You might even find that what you have now is even better than the excitement of your honeymoon phase because it’s a mature and lasting love.
The good news is that, with these steps, you don’t have to choose–you can have both peace and passion! Which step will you experiment with first to rekindle the romance at your house?
I was the perfect wife–until I actually got married. When I tried to tell my husband how to be more romantic, more ambitious, and tidier, he avoided me. I dragged him to marriage counseling and nearly divorced him. I then started talking to women who had what I wanted in their marriages and that’s when I got my miracle. The man who wooed me returned.
I wrote a few books about what I learned and accidentally started a worldwide movement of women who practice The Six Intimacy SkillsImage may be NSFW. Clik here to view. that lead to having amazing, vibrant relationships. The thing I’m most proud of is my playful, passionate relationship with my hilarious husband John–who has been dressing himself since before I was born.
Is Your Man’s Happiness MIA? Try These 4 Things Today.
If your husband says he loves you but is unhappy, you may be dealing with a case of Miserable Husband Syndrome.
Do you wish he’d help out around the house but, no matter how nicely you ask, he’s too busy watching yet another episode of Breaking Bad?
Have you begged him to spend time with the kids but he’s still more interested in his phone than his own children?
Or asked him to have sex–or just spend time with you, period–but he’d rather work all hours than be with you?
Maybe you’ve expressed how you feel, cried even, and he’s actually gotten angry and walked out. Talk about feeling abandoned.
His lack of interest, consideration, and responsibility is so lonely–and infuriating!
They’re also among the top unhappy marriage signs.
If you’re going through any of this, it’s natural to wonder if you’d be better off without him. But then you remember that you’d really rather keep your family together. Or maybe just that you still love him and don’t want to be another divorce statistic.
Whatever your reason, the good news is: There is hope.
Here are 4 tips to try today so you can bring back the cheerful man you fell in love with.
1) Expect the Best Outcome
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It’s natural to want to figure out exactly what’s wrong so you can fix it.
Maybe you’ve noticed a pattern of specific triggers like him getting into a mood when you bring up certain topics. Great–now you can brainstorm ideas to help him work past it…
Right?
Well, on second thought, I bet you’ve already tried gently suggesting, say, that he get checked out or get professional help or at least try some supplements. But your helpful suggestions have about the same impact as an umbrella in a hurricane.
That’s because “helpful” in wife language translates to “controlling” in husband language.
Not only was I clueless on that point, I just couldn’t help myself because I was convinced I knew better than my husband.
As good as it feels being right, there’s something very unsexy about being a know-it-all. I felt more like his mom (and men do not want to have sex with their moms, which leads to even more disconnect in the marriage).
If you’re ready to change the “helpful” dance so he starts taking some initiative, what if you…stopped?
What if you instead gave him the space to figure it out on his own?
When you’re wanting things to change–preferably yesterday–just giving him space probably sounds scary, if not a bad idea.
But space is a powerful thing because it conveys the message that you expect the best outcome.
When you expect the best, people have a way of rising to the occasion.
Speaking of space, when he gets home is he used to being greeted with a list of to-do’s or an agenda of scheduling questions?
That’s natural when you’ve been waiting to see him all day and want to have the floor before he switches on the TV or hides out in his man cave.
Try greeting him with a smile and saying you’re happy to see him. You might even hear the sigh of relief.
If you do feel the urge to question him, criticize what he’s been doing, or get into fix-it mode, here are three little words you can say instead that will totally switch things up…
“I hear you.”
That’s it. Just listening, without agreeing or disagreeing, is a big way to create emotional safety in a hurry.
2) Relinquish Control of the Outcome
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When Rachel’s husband simply checked out as a husband and father, he claimed he was having a midlife crisis, but she was afraid she had married an alcoholic.
When it was time for dinner, the kids’ bath and bedtime, he’d hightail it out the door to the bar.
Or, if he was home, he couldn’t be bothered to lift a finger (except to click the TV remote, cigarette lighter, or his fiercely guarded phone).
Being a single mom while her husband lived the single life was not what Rachel had signed up for. She told him she needed help. He agreed–then came home too drunk to follow through.
When his only remedies were to follow his friends’ suggestions to smoke pot for anxiety or take hallucinogenic mushrooms for a “reset,” Rachel was scared. She didn’t know how things would ever get better.
She did know one thing: she had no control over this man.
She had tried to manage his drinking, and it had only gotten worse, to the point of his blacking out in the arms of other women.
Determined to keep her family intact, Rachel decided to try a new approach. She completely relinquished control of his lifestyle choices.
Fear underlies control. So Rachel made a conscious decision to choose faith over fear.
Getting out of the way had a profound impact. There was a lot more room for him to take the initiative to solve his own problem.
The “midlife crisis” (or whatever it was) is long gone.
These days, he’s more interested in being her hero, even skipping his own plans to golf or go out with friends so he can spend more time with the fam.
3) Catch Him Doing Something Good
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When Rachel was too scared to be able to see that outcome, it was very tempting to stay focused on the problem.
But pointing out that he drank too much had not helped. At all.
So Rachel decided to try something new. She shifted her focus from him having a problem (and her own problems as a result) to looking for opportunities to catch her husband doing something good.
Every time he did anything to help out, whether spending five minutes with the kids or carrying a single dish to the sink, she expressed her gratitude. She let him know how much it meant that he was putting her first.
She made a list of everything she was grateful for about him and added to it daily to keep her gratitude mindset present for herself. The volume dial of her fears and complaints went way down.
Not only did she feel the shift within herself, she saw something shift in her husband.
He quit coming home drunk. Instead of going out, he chose to stay home to help out with bedtime and watch a movie together.
How would the atmosphere change at your house if you were vocal about how much you appreciate your man’s efforts? His strengths?
Is he a great handyman? Does he send your grandma flowers on her birthday? For an instant (gr)attitude adjustment, try making a list of everything you’re thankful to him for, big and small.
Shifting the dialogue to the positives does double-duty: It refocuses your view and influences his perception of himself too. He’ll be quick to want to please you even more.
4) Find Your Own Happiness
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If only you could be the cure for his unhappiness. If only…
But I’m sure you already know that the only person who can make your husband happy is him.
His unhappiness is not personal, and it’s not your fault.
While you can’t control it, you do have enormous power as his wife. That’s because you are the keeper of the relationship.
When he’s glum, it can be pretty hard to show up cheerful yourself. The problem is that, when two people mirror each other, the cycle perpetuates.
Ready to switch up that vicious cycle?
What if you started showing up happy yourself? Distracted yourself with a coffee date with a girlfriend or found a hobby that takes your mind off your husband’s unhappiness?
Becoming the happiest version of YOU is contagious!
Since having a dark cloud hovering under your own roof can make anyone crazy, social self-care is an especially potent antidote.
How could you find a release? Whether you speak with a supportive friend or join a free online support group, it always helps to talk to like-minded women you can trust.
Now that you know all four ways to bring back the man you fell in love with, which will you try first?
I was the perfect wife–until I actually got married. When I tried to tell my husband how to be more romantic, more ambitious, and tidier, he avoided me. I dragged him to marriage counseling and nearly divorced him. I then started talking to women who had what I wanted in their marriages and that’s when I got my miracle. The man who wooed me returned.
I wrote a few books about what I learned and accidentally started a worldwide movement of women who practice The Six Intimacy SkillsImage may be NSFW. Clik here to view. that lead to having amazing, vibrant relationships. The thing I’m most proud of is my playful, passionate relationship with my hilarious husband John–who has been dressing himself since before I was born.
