Blog – Laura Doyle

8 Creative Ways to Take Your Relationship Up a Notch

How to Make Things Better without Him Even Knowing What You Did

When your relationship is in the doldrums, it’s tempting to blame your husband for the problems.

That was my initial approach and it didn’t help matters. At all!

I really believed if he would be more romantic, help clean up more and make more money, everything would be great.

Turns out the joke was on me because I was the one with the key to making things amazing.

Focusing on his shortcomings and coming up with various diagnoses for him never got me what I wanted in my marriage. I just experienced what I was focused on. His ADD seemed worse than ever whenever I looked in on his disheveled office with a critical eye.

Fortunately, I found a better way to get the attention, affection and special treatment I now enjoy.

Here are 8 ways to grow your marriage without him even knowing what you’re doing.
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1. Nap

When my husband seems like an annoying loser-pants, chances are I’m not at my best. Usually it’s because I’m tired.

Therefore, the most important thing to do next is to rest.

When I’m well rested, it’s much easier to view the world–including my husband–with appreciation and respect. When I wake up, I sometimes think he’s had a complete personality transplant.

But what if your husband really is an annoying loser-pants, you might wonder?

How about if you go take a nap so you can find out for sure?

2. Go on a Gratitude Kick

Once you’re well-rested, you can decide to focus on your husband’s good qualities (instead of those other ones that seem glaring) by making a gratitude list about him.

Is he funny? Does he work hard? Is he patient? Good at fixing things? Athletic? Protective? Does he share your values, speak three languages or play the guitar?

There was something about that guy that had you choose him. What was it? Aren’t you glad you have a husband with those great traits and talents?

3. Get Silly

So much needs to be done everyday, and you’re probably a hard worker yourself. But what about taking time for fun?

I know it seems low priority and frivolous to bring out the water blasters or shoot rubber bands or put googly eyes on the food in the fridge, especially if your relationship feels heavy and hard right now.

But being silly is part of being in love. And if the silly is missing, you can easily bring it back by doing somersaults, drawing mustaches on magazine models or making up outrageous backstories for the neighbors you know nothing about.

4. Take a Break

One thing I was terrible at when my marriage was miserable was taking a break. I just kept telling myself I had to do more and more, but that hasn’t turned out to be true.

Today I’m much better about leaving my desk and going for a walk, yapping on the phone for a while or reading funny tweets even if I think I should be getting something done.

So far, nothing bad has happened, but I feel lighter and happier. And that in turn makes my relationship feel lighter and happier.

5. Dwell on Your Desires

Another thing that contributed to my marriage problems was my complaining habit. I had heard that I shouldn’t complain, but that sounded as impossible as not breathing when there were so many things wrong with my marriage and my life!

Now I think of my complaints as lazy desires.

Just figuring out what I want instead of what I don’t want helps my husband know how the heck to please me, which means I have a much better chance of getting it.

Plus, I’m not a whiny complainer anymore, which was not very attractive to him or to me.

6. Feel Pretty

Maybe you have inner criticism for your appearance, like most women do.

But maybe there’s also something–like putting on your favorite lipstick, a new top, or your best fragrance–that makes you feel cute. Maybe a manicure does that for you, or curling your hair or sleeping with a face mask.

Feeling cute is the same as feeling confident, and confidence is attractive.

What would make you feel more confident today?

7. Start a Smile Campaign

Along those lines, smiling not only makes you look better, it also makes you feel better. So if you decide to smile at everyone you see today, every time you see them, it will make you more attractive and happier.

What does that have to do with your relationship? Only happy people have happy relationships. And making yourself happy is the theme of this blog, as you’ve probably noticed.

8. Show Him You’re Happy to See Him

Now that you’re feeling so good, how about sharing some of your enthusiasm when you see your man? You could tell him how happy you are and maybe even say, “I’m happy you’re home!” or “Great to see you!”

If it feels awkward or goofy to be so enthusiastic, it may be that you feel vulnerable about being gushy. But gushy is endearing.

Think about your dog, who’s happy every time he sees you, even if you just saw him five minutes ago. Isn’t that so appealing?

Maybe you’re not actually happy to see your husband, so it wouldn’t be authentic. Or sometimes you are and sometimes you’re not, so you’ll reserve your enthusiasm for the days when you feel like it.

But what if it were your policy to be happy to see him because it represented your position that overall you are so happy to be his wife?

It could just take your relationship up an entire big notch or two.

Which of these ways will you experiment with to grow your relationship this week? Please share in the comments section below.

The post 8 Creative Ways to Take Your Relationship Up a Notch appeared first on Laura Doyle.

15 Inspirational Quotes to Help You Fix Your Marriage

Remarkable Reminders of Why We Say “I Do”

Sometimes your marriage looks bleak.

You wish it were the way you imagined when you said your vows, but you didn’t imagine having cold wars, without speaking for days.

You didn’t imagine he would drink so much or that you would find him so unattractive when he does.

You didn’t imagine being married and feeling like a single mom.

When his latest hurtful words and neglect are still stinging, you can feel like a sucker for falling for a man who isn’t who you thought he was.

But that doesn’t mean you have to either be miserable-ever-after or get divorced.

So much of your experience is in your power, which is why I’ve gathered some inspirational quotes to help you rekindle your optimism and get filled with the energy you need to fix your marriage.

Here are some profound words to remind us all what’s possible in marriage to help you get there.
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For some, marriage is our greatest accomplishment:

I am nothing special, of this I am sure. I am a common man with common thoughts and I’ve led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten, but I’ve loved another with all my heart and soul, and to me, this has always been enough.
– Nicholas Sparks, The Notebook

My most brilliant achievement was my ability to be able to persuade my wife to marry me.
– Winston Churchill

Being married develops our character and teaches us things we couldn’t have learned on our own:

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.
– Lao Tzu

A great marriage is not when the perfect couple comes together. It is when an imperfect couple learns to enjoy their differences.
– Dave Meurer

Placing blame in marriage is like saying, “Your side of the boat is sinking.”
– Hank Smith

Marriage gives us relief from the aching loneliness we would feel without a special someone:

We need a witness to our lives. There’s a billion people on the planet… I mean, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you’re promising to care about everything. The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things… all of it, all of the time, every day. You’re saying, “Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go unwitnessed because I will be your witness.
– The movie Shall We Dance?

But having a husband doesn’t mean you’re never alone:

Let there be spaces in your togetherness, And let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another but make not a bond of love: Let it be rather a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
– Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet

When it’s going well, there’s nothing better than being married:

There is no more lovely, friendly, and charming relationship, communion or company than a good marriage.
– Martin Luther

Come, let’s be a comfortable couple and take care of each other! How glad we shall be, that we have somebody we are fond of always, to talk to and sit with.
– Charles Dickens

Marriage can make us into our best selves:

I love you not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you. I love you not only for what you have made of yourself, but for what you are making of me.
– Roy Croft

It’s filled with grace for our shortcomings:

Love me when I least deserve it, because that’s when I really need it.
– Swedish proverb

You don’t love someone because they’re perfect; you love them in spite of the fact that they’re not.
– Jodi Picoult

Marriage is an ongoing lesson in surrender:

Something amazing happens when we surrender and just love. We melt into another world, a realm of power already within us. The world changes when we change. The world softens when we soften. The world loves us when we choose to love the world.
– Marianne Williamson

There is no remedy for love but to love more.
– Henry David Thoreau

It’s also a prize that’s well worth persevering for:

New love is the brightest, and long love is the greatest, but revived love is the tenderest thing known on earth.
—Thomas Hardy

All of which is to say that to love and be loved is a journey worth taking, sticking with and being grateful for.

If you’re feeling inspired, maybe now is the time to take a small step toward reviving or celebrating the love in your relationship.

Maybe you want to make a gratitude list for your man or for the life you’ve built together.

It could be that you find things you appreciate, things that make you happy, and let him know how glad you are about those things that he does or is for you.

It might be that you’re vulnerable and let him know that you miss him–with no expectations.

What action will you take to infuse your relationship with inspiration and light today, right now, while you’re feeling the love?

The post 15 Inspirational Quotes to Help You Fix Your Marriage appeared first on Laura Doyle.

Husband Is like a Roommate

How You Can Reignite the Romance
Jo W, Laura Doyle Certified Coach

In 2005, I met the man of my dreams. He was funny, outgoing, romantic, passionate, talented, smart, kind, caring, generous and extremely sexy! I felt incredible when I was with him. We were engaged eight months later and married soon after.

After nine years of the ups and downs of married life, I was falsely accused of being unfaithful. Shocked and devastated, I threw myself a seven-month pity party.

I was in despair living with a man who had become merely a roommate and business partner.

I had no idea that with a handful of simple Skills he’d sweep me off my feet.
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With my pity party in full swing, Laura Doyle finally found me. I watched her free Introductory Course on the 6 Intimacy Skills™ and listened intently as she transparently shared how her marriage had gone from the brink of divorce to ridiculously happy. I joined her online VIP program and began watching modules and filling out workbooks applying the Intimacy Skills to my own life.

I couldn’t believe how simple it all sounded. Laura gave such practical cheat phrases and challenges that it seemed anyone could do them. My hope grew the more I learned.

I was blessed to go on vacation with my husband and his family just five days after joining the program. On this trip I stole time for myself to keep reading, watching, and learning about the Skills. I was committed to transforming my marriage.

That’s when I first had the awareness to recognize disrespect, control, focus on the negative, arguing, and the rejection of gifts, compliments and help.

This ugliness was all happening in the beautiful home we had rented. I saw these beautiful women I love unknowingly attacking our men. They seemingly believed they were somehow bonding over this “harmless” bashing.

The worst part was that prior to this trip, I had joined in the attacking! I too had complained of my husband’s shortcomings with laughter and derision.

I now held back tears of shame as the “joking” persevered.

The same day, I apologized to my husband for my previous participation in such disrespectful and demeaning conversations. For the first time in a very long time, he looked at me with hope in his eyes and softness in his voice as he said, “Thank you–that means a lot.”

I did my best to practice these newly acquired Skills throughout our vacation. We had so much fun and did not argue–the entire trip!

After arriving home, it was harder to use the Skills and apply duct tape when I wanted to speak my mind disrespectfully. I couldn’t figure out why. I was still experiencing increased intimacy, but my old habits, like offering “help” and defending myself rather than listening, kept sneaking in. It seemed so much harder here.

I trudged forward through lots of ups and downs. Wanting more support, I attended the Cherished for Life Weekend in September and started the Laura Doyle Relationship Coach Training Program in October.

In training, I figured out what I was missing: replenishing self-care!

I began to see the pattern clearly. When I took the bait to argue, acted with disrespect, or offered “help,” my self-care had been minimal. When I was feeling cherished, using the Skills with ease and feeling genuinely happy, my self-care tank was full.

This revelation was a huge turning point. I now truly began to understand that this was all about changing me and not my husband. I increased my self-care, focused on myself and enjoyed the ride.

In December, my husband took me on vacation, fulfilling a desire I’d expressed to travel more. I received not only private but surprisingly public displays of affection.

On a romantic bike taxi ride, he pulled me close and wrapped his arms around me. He grabbed me, dipped me and passionately kissed me in front of our entire bus tour for a photo opportunity!

Later snuggling in bed, he held me close as we fell asleep after the fleur-de-lis dropped, marking the start of a brand new year. It was also the start of a new phase of our marriage as, almost a year since I’d found the Skills, we held hands, laughed and had an incredible trip.

Things continue to get better.

I no longer work summers and am working less during the school year thanks to my husband’s support. He comes home earlier on weekdays. He calls me often throughout the day to say hello. He takes most weekends off and fills them with fun activities for us. We have more vacations planned and enjoy talking about our future.

While my marriage isn’t perfect, I feel cherished and adored by my amazing husband!

I will be forever grateful to God for Laura, the Skills and my commitment to change myself and my marriage. I am now a surrendered, empowered wife in love with my husband and my life.

And the best is yet to come!

What’s one way you can reignite the romance in your relationship? We’d love to hear below.

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4 Common Misconceptions about Marriage Problems

How Conventional Wisdom Makes Things Worse

When you’re frustrated or stressed about your marriage, the natural thing to do is to look for advice online, like what you’re reading right now.

But there’s lots of advice online, much of it contradictory. How do you know which suggestions will bring you bliss and which will have the two of you backing into your respective corners?

Especially if you’re hurting and desperate for help, how in the world can you tell the wisdom from the weirdness?

Experimenting is one way. If you try something and it doesn’t work, then you can stop doing it.

That’s how I discovered that some of the ideas I considered immutable law were actually a bunch of bunk that was only setting me back from what I wanted in my relationship.

It made my head explode to realize I had bought into lies about marriage just because I’d heard them so many times. And they totally seemed like common sense.

Here are 4 widespread misconceptions about marriage problems that only make things worse.
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1. Both people have to work on the relationship

One of the most common questions I get from women is, “Why doesn’t he have to work on the relationship too? Why does he just get a pass?”

Of course, you want him to work on the relationship too because he’s equally responsible. Why should he get to watch sports while you work so hard?

Seems pretty open and shut. He has to pull his weight. It takes two to tango.

But what if he says he will, then he doesn’t? Or what if he just refuses? Then what?

You can’t make him work on the relationship, but trying to will make things worse.

Your plea for him to change sounds like criticism (i.e., you suck at being a husband/boyfriend), which makes him defensive, which makes him hostile or distant.

Bickering ensues.

If you’re anything like I was, this feels like a serious pickle because he’s the one who really needs to change!

But what if, by changing a few things yourself, you could bring about the response you’re wanting from him? That would be great, right?

Now that I’m on the other side of trying to fix my relationship, insisting that he had to work on it too seems like a monumental misconception. Of course I had to start with working on myself–even though that felt unfair–because I can’t change anyone else.

Otherwise I was just pointing my finger and making demands, which is not super inspiring and has never made anyone behave better in the history of the world.

When I took a different approach, he responded to me much better. Suddenly he was showing up and doing the things I wanted him to do back when I was trying to get him to work on the relationship, like kissing me spontaneously, cleaning up without being asked and getting me diamond earrings for my birthday.

2. Counseling is the best way to make your marriage strong

This one seems completely logical: You go to a third party who knows how to fix marriages, and that person gets your husband to understand why he needs to change so you can finally be happy.

What could possibly go wrong?

For one thing, we fought on the way home a lot. That made me feel pretty hopeless.

Little did I know when I dragged my husband to therapy that most couples separate after going to traditional behavioral marriage counseling.

Now that I’ve had the honor of helping thousands of women fix their marriages and of training several marriage counselors to become Certified Laura Doyle Relationship Coaches, I can see why complaining about each other for an hour a week (and these other detrimental aspects of marriage counseling) did more harm than good.

Of course, that doesn’t mean you have to fix your marriage by yourself. I’ll get to that shortly, but first, have you ever fallen for this fallacy?

3. The marriage problems are a result of childhood wounds

This theory claims that your spouse had a lousy mother or alcoholic father or was an orphan or was abused, or else you were, and that’s why you have marriage problems and that nothing is going to improve until both of you heal those old wounds.

A variation of this theory says that you had issues with trying to get your father’s attention so you married someone just like him and now you’re playing out the same painful script with him.

This is such a disempowering perspective it makes me want to punch someone in the nose for promulgating it.

What if you weren’t damaged or wounded at all and neither was your partner, but maybe nobody ever taught you the skills you need in order to have an amazing relationship? And therefore the frustration you feel is because of a lack of training, not because one or both of you are broken?

That’s been my experience and what I’ve had the pleasure of witnessing again and again with women who set out to transform their relationships with the Six Intimacy SkillsTM. Once we knew better, we did better.

One woman’s marriage counselor told her how broken her husband was emotionally and how many years of therapy it would take before he’d ever be close to being capable of meeting her needs.

Fortunately, she didn’t fall for that baloney.

Now she’s a relationship coach herself and shows other women how to have the great marriage she now enjoys with the same husband–who never did go back to counseling.

4. You have to talk things out

Maybe because of these other misconceptions, I thought talking about our relationship was the only way to fix it, but that’s simply not true. At all!

Unless you’re luxuriating in how great it is, talking about your relationship makes things worse. Much worse.

Ask yourself if any of your relationship talks has ever resulted in a lasting improvement in your relationship.

Sure, you might have felt some temporary gratification from venting, but did he later do what you told him you needed, like being more physically affectionate or planning a romantic getaway? Did he seek out your company or show up as a better father?

Or did you get the same results I got from that approach: even more hostility and distance? Or maybe a fleeting accommodation according to your directions before falling back into the old, unhappy routine?

These days I don’t need or want a state-of-the-union address. Learning to honor my desires, acknowledge my limits and express my feelings has given me what feel like superpowers to navigate my relationship with ease and joy.

Thousands of women who got their hands on the 6 Intimacy Skills and got a coach to help them implement these Skills say the same thing.

Which of these misconceptions is the hardest for you to let go of? Share your comments below.

The post 4 Common Misconceptions about Marriage Problems appeared first on Laura Doyle.

How to Love and Be Loved when Your Heart Is Closed

3 Ways to Let Your Walls Down
Rachel, Laura Doyle Certified Coach

He decided to make the two-hour drive from Pennsylvania to Maryland. I was happy he was willing to come to me first. We met on a cold afternoon.

I knew right away that he was my soulmate.

Actually, I had known after reading his first email and even his profile alone. I could just feel the soulmate familiarity of him.

He had a nice beard and an adorable smile. He was real and chill, with his sweatshirt and joking ways, but refined and holy too, discussing religious topics soon into the date. It was him, no question about it.

All my life, I had dreamed of this man, of this moment when we would finally join.

The problem was, my heart was closed. After some past heartbreaks, I had built a brick wall over my heart and then a metal barricade in front of that, as I was determined not to get hurt again.

Here’s how I got the deep connection of true love that I’d always wanted.
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1. Show Some Respect

I couldn’t feel. I couldn’t laugh or cry either.

I didn’t get what was going on. I had thought that upon meeting him, my heart would explode and crack the walls. Or maybe upon getting married. When that still wasn’t happening, I started blaming my husband for being closed and cold.

We would sit on our green couch and I would grill him, demanding to know how he felt about me, why he loved me, why he felt we were soulmates.

I insisted that he start initiating spontaneous expressions of love. (Real spontaneous, huh?)

I insisted that if he really loved me, he would express himself vulnerably from a deep place, which would occasionally bring tears to his eyes as he professed his deep love for me.

I expected, wanted, and tried to control my husband into being this person. He tried, even repeating the loving phrases I dictated, which I thought would crack my walls and create that deep feeling of love I so yearned for.

But none of this worked. While he was willing to act the part because he is amazingly kind and giving, none of it was genuine because I was forcing it to happen.

Then, I started using a few of the 6 Intimacy Skills™. That’s when my walls actually began to crack and let through the flood of love between us.

I started by going on a no-control date. He chose our favorite local Chinese restaurant. I resolved not to dominate the conversation, which is what I’d always done to avoid any potential awkward silence or the discomfort of true vulnerability between us.

This lunch was quieter than normal. But then a beautiful thing happened.

My husband began sharing with me. I heard his thoughts about politics, science, and stocks–thoughts I hadn’t heard before. I was seeing him–the real, raw him–and falling in love with him in a new way. Giving him the space to be himself, I was feeling relaxed and receiving who he was.

As he opened up, I felt the walls covering my heart cracking as I saw the man of my dreams truly sharing himself with me for the first time. I had to let go and let him be who he is.

2. Show Some Gratitude

The walls continued to come down as I dove into the Skill of gratitude. Our biggest marital challenge was my disapproval of his job choices and my attempt to control them.

One day, I listed all the reasons I appreciated his job choices and strong work ethic. After writing down my list of 20, my heart opened and love poured out. I couldn’t hold back from running over to him at that moment and hugging him tightly.

I saw that my judgment of him had kept me from releasing my love. Once I allowed myself to see and appreciate the man he is, love burst forth.

Next, I experimented with receiving all that he shares as a way for me to continue to bring down the walls around my heart. I just started to look at him and listen to him–his business dreams, home improvement ideas, religious thoughts–and not merely see him but receive the beautiful gift of him sharing who he is with me.

This created a flow of masculine to feminine love that felt so natural and right and good. Before, I had approached loving him from a masculine place of pursuing him, whereas now I became more feminine and receptive, loving that he pursues me.

Combined with the joy I got from self-care, whether dancing, taking walks, or pursuing my dreams, I began radiating joy and love right back to him from a feminine, receptive place.

3. Show Some Vulnerability

Lastly, and most importantly, I dove into the scary Skill of vulnerability. I started sharing “I miss you” and other emotions: tears and fears, joys and dreams. These emotions have been the fuel that torched my walls for good.

These days, I find such connection in sharing vulnerably that I jump to share any emotion I feel, even a minor one. This allows me to bring the real me–the soft, feminine, vulnerable, raw, emotional, wise, expressive me–to our marriage. He follows suit in his vulnerable, masculine way.

My love is finally being freed from the prison walls.

I had imprisoned myself by running from my emotional side. It’s by risking my heart, by exposing those tender places–by diving into our marriage with all of me–that the beautiful soulmate love I’ve always dreamed of is finally blooming.

I wait all day for our green couch moments now. As we approach our midday coffee date, when my husband takes a break from his home office, or our kids are tucked in for the night, my heart skips, aflutter with excitement as I wait to join him there.

We cozy up on the couch together with hot chocolate and chat about our days or tell funny jokes. Sometimes, we watch our old favorite music videos and jam out together. I love it.

We have a light-hearted, fun time together. There are no longer walls, stiffness, or pressure to connect. Our time together feels easy and joyful. We feel so close and connected.

What is it about you that stands between you and getting the connection you are craving? I’d love to hear below.

The post How to Love and Be Loved when Your Heart Is Closed appeared first on Laura Doyle.

3 Things Wives Get Wrong about Husbands

How to End Misunderstandings and Hear His Heart Message

Imagine if your husband did and said everything you needed to be happy in your marriage, as though he were trying to win the husband-of-the-year award.

What kinds of things would he do differently?

Maybe he’d redouble his efforts to clean up and maintain the house or show up more for the kids. Maybe he’d be more affectionate, seeking your company whenever he got the chance.

You’d feel more taken care of, special and desired.

Wouldn’t that be amazing?

Your husband actually does want to do all those things for you. All men want to succeed–especially with their wives.

So what’s stopping him?

It could be, and often is, that he’s misunderstood. He’s conveying one heart message, but you’re hearing something else.

Here are 3 things wives get wrong about their husbands.
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1. Seeing Him as Lazy

Let’s say you walk in after work with groceries and there are dishes in the sink, no sign of dinner being started and wet laundry that needs to go in the dryer…and your husband is already relaxing on the couch.

You might see him as lazy or lacking initiative. You might think he’s downright selfish for not seeing what needs to be done and doing it.

But is he truly a slacker, or does he simply need to know how to be successful at being your hero?

Is he just resting so that when he finds out what you want he can jump up to do it?

True, he didn’t look around and see what needed to be done without you having to say something, which would definitely have been great. But that doesn’t mean he’s unwilling to help.

It could be, and often is, that he needs to know how to make you happy in that moment.

Now is your chance to express your desires in a way that inspires. That means you need to know what you want.

What is it you would love? To relax on the couch yourself? To go out to dinner? An empty dishwasher? A glass of wine? All of the above?

If you roll your eyes at him or otherwise indicate that you think he’s a complete waste of space, you won’t get a good response.

But if he thinks he truly has a chance to please you, watch out! You might be amazed to what lengths he’ll go when he knows exactly how to make you happy.

2. Thinking He Doesn’t Want to Do Things Because He’s Complaining

Maybe he offers to start dinner, but in the same breath he complains about how he has worked so hard already and is tired because all weekend he was doing yard work and working overtime, plus he did all that paperwork for the mortgage or the insurance.

Like he’s the only person who might be tired! He sounds like a whiny baby.

You might think he’s just trying to shirk his responsibilities and dump them all on you. Maybe it’s easier just to do things yourself than listen to him complain!

But what if his complaints were less about his unwillingness to pitch in and were actually an awkward plea for acknowledgment?

In other words, he’s listing and relisting the things he did because he wants to know that you saw and appreciated his contributions.

Sure, he’s going about it the wrong way, no question. You have to have a generous ear to hear his heart message that he wants to be appreciated in this situation.

But what if you could clear up this whole misunderstanding by simply saying, “You do so much around here! Thanks for working so hard to support our family and for all that you do around the house too. It makes me so happy.”

Not only do husbands stop complaining about what they did when you appreciate them, they seem to walk taller and prouder when they know that they made their wife happy.

3. Believing He Doesn’t Want to Spend Time with You

Sometimes you feel like you’re barely getting to talk to each other all week because of crazy carpool and work schedules. Then, when you think you’re finally going to be able to see him, your husband says he’s going to visit his mom or help a friend move.

You feel like the last person on his list. He has time for everyone and everything else in the world but no time for you.

And it hurts!

So you let him know how disappointed you are that he’s not spending time with you, which makes it very clear he is not going to win that husband-of-the-year award. Again.

That makes him feel like a bad husband, which makes him want to run far, far away to avoid feeling like a failure in your eyes.

In other words, he’ll be spending even less time with you.

Granted, that’s not the most mature response, but it is human and your husband is a mere mortal man.

Here’s the misunderstanding: Your husband visits his mom and helps his friend move because he’s one of the good guys. He’s generous and hardworking and likes to feel needed, especially by people who appreciate his company and his help.

Instead of expressing disappointment in him for neglecting you, consider sharing how excited you are to finally get some time alone with him.

Isn’t it true that you are looking forward to couple time?

Imagine if he knew how happy you’re going to be when he comes home. Don’t you think he would get home a little sooner?

Of course he would.

A man loves being around a wife who can hear his heart message.

Have you suffered from any of these common misunderstandings? Post below in the comments section which of these alternatives you’ll try this week.

The post 3 Things Wives Get Wrong about Husbands appeared first on Laura Doyle.

My Husband Hurts My Feelings

How I Traded in the Jabs for Compliments
Sonya, Laura Doyle Certified Coach

“The problem with you is…”

Ouch. I hate hearing words like that.

Is it bait, an insult, or a bad joke?

For years, I wallowed in hurt that felt so fresh I could tear up practically on demand thinking about how unloved and unappreciated I felt.

What do you do when a lot of the communication toward you feels negative?

I had no idea until

I learned this trick for doing away with the jabs for good.
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I tried lots of things to do away with the hurt.

Self-care built up my baseline happiness so the stings didn’t penetrate as deeply.

Becoming more respectful diffused a lot of tense situations. I finally recognized that always aiming to “win” arguments just put us on opposite teams.

Looking for the good and sharing my gratitude built up his baseline satisfaction with us and changed my perspective.

But I still tended to interpret his comments toward me with a negative slant. Even with all these tools, I kept feeling insulted, martyred, and teary.

Then I started adapting the Spouse-Fulfilling Prophecy (SFP) in response to the jabs. Basically, I tell myself that he loves me and doesn’t want to hurt me.

I experimented with turning around a complaint into its positive reflection or even into a compliment. I’ve found that swapping an insult for a compliment is an uncanny way to upend an argument.

I reinforce the reality I’d like to see, whether or not it feels perfectly true immediately. When he told me he joked to his coworkers that he could work a holiday to avoid his in-laws, I said, “I know you love being with my family.”

When he wasn’t sure if he’d make a dad event at school, I said, “I know that you love being a dad.”

When he said he had to go to work since my hobby business wouldn’t pay the bills, I said, “I know you value my contribution to the family.”

Recently I was relaying my concerns about the safety of an outdoor platform that was getting rickety and had steep drop-offs on three sides. The conversation was starting to degrade into an argument—which isn’t familiar any more for us now that I’ve adopted the 6 Intimacy Skills™.

I finally just said, “I know you care about our safety” and left it at that. I didn’t have the carpentry skills to reinforce the platform and couldn’t force him to change it, so I had to trust him on that.

I look for the positive heart message and encourage that.

I recently tried to ask him a question, but he couldn’t hear me in the next room. When I came closer to repeat my question, he went on a diatribe about how I need to stop talking when no one can hear me and stop expecting them to know what I’ve said. The lecturing tone of his words was saddening me, so I pulled in closer for a hug and said that I was glad he wants to know what I am saying.

At the airport he reached out his hand and said he wished I’d walk faster and keep up with him. I said, “Oh, you want to walk close to me and be near me?” He responded that he did.

I seek to see his comments in the best possible light and respond from that perspective. When I told him I’d gone on an amazing walk in a beautiful park I rarely visit and how the friend I was with goes there daily, he said, “You should take a walk there every day too.”

I can’t deny it, my first —and familiar—thought was that he just wanted me away from him. In the past, I probably would have come back with “You just don’t want me around.” But this time, in looking at this in the best possible light, I said, “I’m so glad you care about my self-care.”

Another day I said, “I think I might take a shower.” He responded, “You should take a shower.” On a low self-care day, my old self would’ve gotten teary to hear this affirmation/insult. But instead I said, “I’m glad you care about my cleanliness.”

My husband still looks at me a little funny when I give him a hopeful compliment in response to his remarks, but he always seems a bit prouder that I’m thinking well of him too.

Instead of getting defensive or debating, I acknowledge the positive side of his comment. When he complained about my lack of tidiness, I said, “I’m so glad you are watching me so closely.” Past retorts about all I do around the house, how overwhelmed I felt, and how other people have housekeepers had all fallen flat.

When he gave a disapproving glance at my vintage outfit, I smiled playfully and said, “I’m glad you notice what I wear.”

I’ve also used humor to reframe. Returning home from a weekend trip, I was greeted by a funky smell in the kitchen. I went around trying to sniff out the source while talking about the problem. My husband said, “I didn’t notice a smell until you got home.” I could have taken it personally, but I replied, “That’s amazing that your senses are heightened in my presence.”

Then there was the time I backed over the mailbox. It was a big oops. I felt I needed to confess quickly, so I started texting him some gratitude through an SFP: “I am thankful that you are understanding and have a good sense of humor. The good news is that the car seems fine, the bad news is the mailbox not so much.”

He DID respond with humor and fixed it that day!

Amusingly, he recently started giving me some self-fulfilling prophecies of his own. When he was in a grumpy mood and I remarked that this wasn’t like him, he told me, “But I’m always nice.” I began repeating that when his behavior wasn’t reinforcing his own mantra for himself. I said, “I don’t understand how this is happening because you’re always nice.”

Another time he told me that he always loves me and wants to spend time with me. I used to tell myself this as an SFP, and now he’s saying it back to me!

By deflecting jabs into admiring compliments and smiles, the happiness threshold in my life has risen.

In the process, the occurrence of such harsh words has diminished. Has the bait stopped since he isn’t getting a rise from me any longer? Or has he turned positive? Or am I just in a happier place where I am focusing on what serves me?

Regardless of the reason why, our communication has reordered in a good way.

I’ve discovered that it doesn’t serve me to dwell on my disappointment and nurture my hurts. He really is a good guy and so often I’d been looking for the ugly evidence, not for the good. I’m a lot happier when I give him the benefit of the doubt and try to rebound.

And in response to “the problem with you is…,” I can now state positively that I’m so glad he gets me and loves me in spite of my shortcomings.

How could you find the hidden compliment behind the comment while trusting your partner’s love and commitment? I’d love to hear in the comments below.

The post My Husband Hurts My Feelings appeared first on Laura Doyle.

8 Creative Ways to Take Your Relationship Up a Notch

How to Make Things Better without Him Even Knowing What You Did

When your relationship is in the doldrums, it’s tempting to blame your husband for the problems.

That was my initial approach and it didn’t help matters. At all!

I really believed if he would be more romantic, help clean up more and make more money, everything would be great.

Turns out the joke was on me because I was the one with the key to making things amazing.

Fortunately, I found a better way to get the attention, affection and special treatment I now enjoy.

Here are 8 ways to grow your marriage without him even knowing what you’re doing.
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1. Nap

When my husband seems like an annoying loser-pants, chances are I’m not at my best. Usually it’s because I’m tired.

Therefore, the most important thing to do next is to rest.

When I’m well rested, it’s much easier to view the world–including my husband–with appreciation and respect. When I wake up, I sometimes think he’s had a complete personality transplant.

But what if your husband really is an annoying loser-pants, you might wonder?

How about if you go take a nap so you can find out for sure?

2. Go on a Gratitude Kick

Once you’re well-rested, you can decide to focus on your husband’s good qualities (instead of those other ones that seem glaring) by making a gratitude list about him.

Is he funny? Does he work hard? Is he patient? Good at fixing things? Athletic? Protective? Does he share your values, speak three languages or play the guitar?

There was something about that guy that had you choose him. What was it? Aren’t you glad you have a husband with those great traits and talents?

3. Get Silly

So much needs to be done everyday, and you’re probably a hard worker yourself. But what about taking time for fun?

4. Take a Break

One thing I was terrible at when my marriage was miserable was taking a break. I just kept telling myself I had to do more and more, but that hasn’t turned out to be true.

Today I’m much better about leaving my desk and going for a walk, yapping on the phone for a while or reading funny tweets even if I think I should be getting something done.

So far, nothing bad has happened, but I feel lighter and happier. And that in turn makes my relationship feel lighter and happier.

5. Dwell on Your Desires

Now I think of my complaints as lazy desires.

Just figuring out what I want instead of what I don’t want helps my husband know how the heck to please me, which means I have a much better chance of getting it.

Plus, I’m not a whiny complainer anymore, which was not very attractive to him or to me.

6. Feel Pretty

Maybe you have inner criticism for your appearance, like most women do.

Feeling cute is the same as feeling confident, and confidence is attractive.

What would make you feel more confident today?

7. Start a Smile Campaign

What does that have to do with your relationship? Only happy people have happy relationships. And making yourself happy is the theme of this blog, as you’ve probably noticed.

8. Show Him You’re Happy to See Him

If it feels awkward or goofy to be so enthusiastic, it may be that you feel vulnerable about being gushy. But gushy is endearing.

Think about your dog, who’s happy every time he sees you, even if you just saw him five minutes ago. Isn’t that so appealing?

But what if it were your policy to be happy to see him because it represented your position that overall you are so happy to be his wife?

It could just take your relationship up an entire big notch or two.

Which of these ways will you experiment with to grow your relationship this week? Please share in the comments section below.

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I Am Exhausted All the Time

How This Harried Supermom Became a Cherished Wife
Hudi, Laura Doyle Certified Coach

I have been married for over ten years now. I live in a small apartment a bit north of New York City with my wonderful, handsome husband and our four little guys. And we are living happily ever after…

That wasn’t the case a few years ago.

When I got married, my husband was studying and I knew he planned on being in research for a while. It didn’t pay much, but it’s what we felt was right. I knew I would be responsible for making money, which is what I thought I was supposed to do. I took care of paying the bills and all our finances.

I was under the impression that since I wanted to have children, I was expected to take care of them too. I thought it was bad to ask my husband to help at all. I changed every diaper, fed every meal, did every bath…

I was completely overwhelmed but did not think there was any other way.

Here’s how I ditched my Supermom cape to be cherished and taken care of myself.
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After a few years of feeling overwhelmed, resentment slowly crept up on me. I started getting frustrated with my husband, but when he offered help I said no way.

I thought that a good mother spent as much time as possible with her children and that it would be wrong to leave them with a babysitter unless absolutely necessary.

I always drove because I was too scared of my husband’s driving. I did not expect him to be capable of doing pretty much anything for me. He made very minimal income and often none at all. I thought it would be wrong if he had to support me.

I wonder now how my mind was so messed up!

I bought my husband’s clothing and whatever else he needed. I felt guilty receiving things and always worried about money. Our tax returns were always late. I just couldn’t keep up with all the endless chores and jobs.

The funny part is that all along we were happy with each other and in love. I never felt like it was his fault or his problem, but I started getting resentful toward the system that I assumed was how my life should be.

Then, I fell apart. It was just too much for me.

When I came across one of Laura’s books, I knew instinctively that this was the exact thing I needed. I just found it hard to incorporate on my own.

Nonetheless, the concepts were slowly infiltrating their way into my lifestyle.

The first massive change I made was self-care. I realized that if I didn’t take care of myself, there was no way I could take care of anyone else.

I got cleaning help and babysitting help, and I started trying to do things I enjoy. I focused on my emotional health and well-being.

I started thinking about what I needed and what I wanted, which immediately made me calmer and happier. I considered letting go of having to deal with the finances and realized that I hated driving the car. I started getting it!

I had a really hard time though. It was so scary to sit in the passenger’s seat rather than driving myself.

Before I joined the Laura Doyle community, it had taken years for things to change and for me to change because I couldn’t do it on my own. Becoming a part of LDC made the shift happen; it changed my life and my whole way of being.

I became really true to myself. I realized that I just wanted to be taken care of and cherished. I finally let go of the reins.

This year I’ve been on trips to Florida and Israel and the Cherished for Life Weekend, and my husband stayed home and took care of everything while I was gone. Even when we’re both home, he helps so much more than I ever could have imagined!

I don’t deal with the finances anymore and am so grateful to my husband for taking care of them.

He just renewed our health insurance plan and is constantly taking care of all of these kinds of things. He’s now actively working on making more money, which lifts such a burden financially.

Shortly after I began the coach training program, he got me a new car. I was amazed–he did everything from beginning to end. That was a first for us and a huge win for me.

I don’t ever drive the car when he’s around anymore, and it feels so good to be chauffeured!

I am so glad that I learned to be grateful for all that he has done, is doing and wants to do for me.

Another huge thing that has changed is our communication. As I became more aware of myself and my needs, I became much more capable of expressing them. My husband always wanted to please me, but I never knew how to tell him what I wanted–or how to receive it if I had!

Now I can also tell him how I feel without him feeling threatened or blamed. I feel so much safer and more secure being able to share my feelings in a feminine way and then receive his love and encouragement.

Ohhh, it really feels nice to be a mom with a loving, generous, caring man supporting me and sharing every step of the way. I now feel loved and taken care of, no longer alone or overwhelmed with this huge burden of parenthood. We’re in this together, him as the dad, the captain and caretaker, the strong man who’d been hidden away.

I’m amazed and so grateful to have gotten to this beautiful place! Learning the Six Intimacy Skills™ is one of the best things I’ve ever done!

I am thrilled to be a Laura Doyle coach and look forward to spreading these amazing Skills to as many women as I can. I hope to experience more and more of this wonderful transformation on my happily-ever-after journey.

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3 Ways to Recover from a Fight

How to Inspire Apologies and Handholding

If you’re anything like I was, some fights come up in your relationship more often than a hit song plays on Top 40 radio.

You don’t want to have the same fight over and over, but it keeps happening.

You’re just talking about the leftovers from dinner and next thing you know, your mother–who isn’t present–is involved, and you’re both yelling things you would be embarrassed to repeat.

You wonder why he has to yell and get so upset when the conversation was originally about Tupperware.

It makes you question whether this relationship is even sustainable because it’s so draining and painful to have these blow-ups. And so distracting from the things you were planning to do because you keep replaying the fight in your head and thinking of ways to let him have it.

Happily, you don’t have to stay stuck in wall-to-wall hostility or a week-long cold war.

Here are 3 ways to recover quickly from a big fight.
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1. Look at His Intentions

Wedding vows tend to be lofty. You promise never to hurt the other person, for example. But in my experience, it’s just not possible.

Perhaps the wedding vows should say, “I’ll never hurt you intentionally.”

I think of the time my husband rolled over in bed and smacked my jaw with his elbow, for starters. Accidentally, of course.

Because we’re mere mortals who live together, we accidentally hurt each other emotionally sometimes too.

That was so discouraging early in my marriage because it was happening a lot, so I thought that something was seriously wrong with our relationship. I felt a lot of shame that two well-educated people could descend into ugly name-calling so fast and so often.

I assumed that if you really loved each other, you wouldn’t have the terrible fights we had, so I figured I should probably not tell other people this was going on.

Since then, I’ve learned the Intimacy Skills that have made our home very peaceful (not to mention learning how valuable it is to tell other people what’s going on so I don’t feel like the only couple who has terrible fights). Now it’s been well over a decade since we had a big fight.

I also came to see–and this was key–that when my husband hurts me, it’s never, ever intentional.

It may seem like your husband is intentionally trying to hurt you when he swears at you and calls you the worst names he can think of. But what if he’s not?

What if he’s just trying to shore up his own ego because he feels threatened? When people are hurt or scared, there’s a good chance they’ll lash out at you to make themselves feel better.

I’m not saying it’s right or okay. I’m just saying it wasn’t because he got up that morning planning to hurt you. That was not his intention.

Whenever I think my husband is behaving badly, I know it’s because hurt people hurt.

That doesn’t mean I have to like it when I think he’s being a jerk. But reminding myself of his intentions does help me soften and remember that we’re on the same team. Which helps with this next idea.

2. Get Out the Street Sweeper

Full disclosure: This is my favorite way to recover from a fight quickly because I am a rebellious, contrary person who enjoys watching other people’s heads explode.

You might find it enjoyable also.

It’s an unfair advantage to do this after a fight, but it’s not always easy. Rather, it’s surprising. And using the element of surprise can be perversely pleasurable.

After a fight, if I’m willing to look I can usually find something I said or did that I regret–something that was not a reflection of me at my best.

It could have been the part where I called my husband a loser-pants, for example.

Regrettable.

And if I am willing to apologize for saying that, it’s like pouring fairy dust on the whole situation in terms of putting things right.

The first few times you apologize for being disrespectful, it will cause his eyes to pop out of his head. He’ll look startled. You’ll wonder if he’s having a medical emergency.

Now that such perversity is usual and customary at my house, I don’t often get that reaction anymore, but you still can. It’s fun.

Today, when I apologize for my part he usually apologizes too or apologizes first. (My head probably exploded when that started happening also.)

But either way, my side of the street is squeaky clean. So even if he were to continue to give me the stink eye after my apology, I would know I’d taken the high road and that my side of that road was spotless, which nurtures the peace and intimacy around here.

And I still get pleasure by feeling very, very smug about that.

3. Get a Relationship Coach

All human beings need to be heard and understood. If things are unresolved and there’s a break in the action, it can be very tempting to reopen the “discussion” (read: fight) to scratch that itch.

You could instead reach out to a friend or sister so you can feel heard without contributing to more conflict in your relationship.

Then you get to express yourself without making your partner even more defensive, causing more distance between you, or saying things you’d need to break out that street sweeper for again.

Of course, there’s a danger of making your partner look like the bad guy to your friend or sister, and people who love you want to protect you from bad guys. So the next time you talk to that friend or relative, she may be taking your side against him. Or telling you to leave that no-good jerk.

She means well, but that’s no way to help you get over the fight fast.

The great thing about having a coach to help you recover from a fight instead is that she can listen and still stand for your greatness–and for the greatness of the man you chose. She’s trained to do that.

She knows that you want to be a happy wife and that you wouldn’t be so committed if you didn’t believe that it were possible.

When the big fight is fresh on your mind, she’s going to empathize, of course (she was in a relationship that was once falling apart too), but also stand for your vision and help you get to where you stop feeling frustrated, lonely and overwhelmed and start feeling special, desired and taken care of.

Which of these will you try the next time you have a big fight? Share your thoughts in the comments section below.

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How to Stop Fighting with Your Husband

The Secrets to Creating Lasting Peace
Ellie F., Laura Doyle Certified Coach

I used to have an alter ego. She was named “Dragon Lady.” She had been with me my whole life, following me into every romantic relationship I had.

I grew up in a very dysfunctional home. Fight or flee were my only options most of the time. I chose to fight. If I felt scared, I would argue. If I felt sad, I would pick a fight so anger could cover the immense sorrow inside me. If I thought you might reject me, I would pick a fight and force the issue so I was in control of the demise of the relationship.

Fight, fight, fight.

I got married and had three lovely sons. Their father knew just how to push my buttons, and bam, there she was: the fire-breathing dragon.

The arguments were intense, frequent, and almost physical at times. We both contributed, yet I had no idea how to stop Dragon Lady when she awakened. It was as if something else overtook me. I felt like I was watching this terrified and mean wild animal fight for her life. Except my life wasn’t in danger!

We eventually separated and divorced. It broke my heart.

Here’s how I ended the heartbreak for good and created lasting peace in my marriage.
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At the time, I blamed it on him. All of it. He made fun of my traumatic past and poked at me. That justified my anger, right? No. I still grieve this divorce and its impact on my now adult children. Almost daily.

The next part of my story is hard to write, but for full disclosure and to give any reader hope, I will tell it. I pray it is helpful.

I got married again to a man several years older than me. We had three very happy years. At that point he lost his job. Everything changed. He was so depressed and began to drown his sorrows in alcohol. It was awful.

Of course, Dragon Lady did not like this. She had grown up with that and wasn’t going to allow her children to suffer the same fate. I tried to control him every minute of every day to protect my kids. And myself.

Enter my first encounter with the 6 Intimacy Skills™.

I have a dear friend who is six feet tall and very strong. She is a social worker who works with gang teens. Very tough!

We were having lunch and discussing our marriages. She told me about this book she was reading and how it was really changing things in her marriage. I was intrigued. I naively asked, “What’s the title?”

She told me.

“The surrendered what???” I said. “NO WAY am I reading another spiritually oppressive book!”

She gently informed me it wasn’t like that at all and that the author was a feminist. I laughed and said, “Thanks anyway.”

She said, “Read it.”

I said, “No.”

She yelled, “READ IT!!!” and got in my face.

I said, “Yes ma’am.” So funny. I decided to buy the book.

I loved it. I felt convicted and overjoyed to have the skills to help me tame Dragon Lady! I loved the self-care list and told every woman I knew about it.

However, that was as far as it went because my husband left. He chose alcohol over his family and moved away. In fairness, had I practiced all the Skills, perhaps the outcome would have been different. Addiction is tricky, however, and he had no desire to stop.

I was devastated. I did not want to break my vows. I was willing to do counseling, anything to save this second marriage. He walked out of our fourth session, saying he wasn’t “in.”

This abandonment fed Dragon Lady. I felt rejected and sad, lonely and unlovable. I was done and planned to live alone the rest of my life.

Three years passed. While shopping at my favorite outdoor store, I was raving to a man I thought was the owner about how much I loved his store. He said he wasn’t the owner and indicated that he was.

He looked like James Taylor. Tall, lanky, balding. Piercingly kind blue eyes. He was sweet and shy–so much so that I couldn’t tell whether he was flirting with me or not. He told me a great spot to go running. I took his advice and ran the trail. I went back to “shop” the next day (we all know that I really went to see him).

He gave me his phone number and was so nervous that he couldn’t remember it the first try. I found him endearing and sweet.

I thought, “Well, he will make a nice friend,” as Dragon Lady was done dating.

Right. Little did I know I would end up marrying this man.

But Dragon Lady did not trust it. “It’s too good to be true. Test him. Push at him. Make him prove he loves you.” These were not conscious thoughts, but they were very strong. We began to struggle.

I did not want to ruin another relationship by feeding my dragon!

It was then that I saw Laura’s free Introductory Course on the 6 Intimacy Skills on Facebook. I devoured the Skills. When I began practicing them, it was hit or miss because my terror of being abandoned was so strong.

I decided to go a level deeper into the Skills and signed up for the Diamond Program, getting private coaching. It made all the difference!

With the support of my beloved coach, I was able to see my pain points and how I had been using all my energy trying to control everything he did so I would be “safe,” but really I was driving him away! I was trying to control his thoughts, his actions, his relationship with his daughter–everything.

That’s when things began to change. He started opening up to me again. He blessed my decision to go to the Cherished for Life Weekend last fall, even though it was our one-year anniversary.

The Weekend changed my life. It was there that I realized that I am not broken!

I had simply never been taught how to be in a relationship with a good guy! I saw that I had been trying to turn him into a bad guy so I could do what was familiar. The Skills, however, allowed me to let go of controlling him and work on my own happiness. It all came together at the Weekend.

The women at CFLW loved me. One coach had been divorced twice as well and shared how she wasn’t ashamed of that anymore and had used the Skills to have a happy marriage now. Shame began to fall from me, and I gained energy to practice the Skills with all my heart, soul and strength.

The Skills gave me the tools I needed to create the loving relationship I had always dreamed of having. They work!!!

I am happy to say that my dear Dragon Lady has left. I bless her for keeping me safe when I really was in danger; however, now I live in peace. I live in the joyous place of feeling safe in my husband’s love. I have more energy to live my life and carry out my true purpose.

Part of this purpose has been to join Laura’s coaching team. I am passionate about helping her to end world divorce. I have seen firsthand the damage it does, and in most cases, it can be avoided by committing to these Skills.

I am thrilled to serve women this way.

The post How to Stop Fighting with Your Husband appeared first on Laura Doyle.

How to Get Your Husband Back after He Leaves You

14 Ways to Shock Him (and Yourself) for the Good of You Both

I can’t think of anything more painful or heartbreaking than hearing your husband say “I don’t love you anymore. Maybe I never did.”

Or “It’s over. I’m in love with someone else.”

Or—maybe even worse—to discover those things without him saying anything.

It’s only human to be angry with him for being such a thoughtless jerk. It’s natural to want him to hurt the way he hurt you.

Unfortunately, there’s no real comfort in making him suffer, even though it’s more tempting than a Cinnabon.

There are, however, specific things you can do to give yourself real relief from that continuous ache and to put your family back together.

You can put everything right again but only if you do things very, very differently than you’ve been doing them.

Everything I’m going to suggest will sound counterintuitive. But these radical measures are what I’ve seen breathe new life into broken marriages for thousands of women in your distressing situation—and what I did to revitalize my own broken marriage.

Here's exactly how to recover the good you had with your husband in the very beginning:
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1. Suspend his sentence temporarily

Whether he–moved out or found someone else or both, that was an incredibly painful betrayal. It was the worst!

I would never diminish how hurtful that is. But he didn’t do it to hurt you. He did it because something was missing in your marriage. You’ve felt it too but didn’t know what to do about it. He didn’t either.

He was vulnerable because your marriage lacked oxygen. It doesn’t make it right, it doesn’t make it okay. It just makes him human.

If you can set aside his crime for the moment and stay focused on the worthy goal of saving your marriage, you’ll give yourself a huge advantage.

If you’re having a visceral reaction to this idea right now, it’s not the end of the story. It’s only the beginning, and the story will get much, much better.

2. Get happy

While it may seem impossible when you’re in the most heartbreaking pain of your life, it’s imperative to make yourself ridiculously happy right away.

Do whatever you have to do to make yourself laugh, feel inspired, delighted, self-expressed, alive, and loved by family and friends.

Yes, you’re in shock and grief. It sucks! It feels like your life is on fire, but you can reclaim it by deciding to have some pleasurable moments every day.

I can’t stress this one enough. It’s an indispensable step to reclaiming what’s rightfully yours: a gratifying life with a monogamous, playful, passionate marriage.

You may one day look back and think of that Dickens book that starts, “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.”

It’s already the worst of times. What can you do today to make it the best of times?

3. Keep it short

You probably have lots to say to him, but consider keeping it as short and as sweet as you can.

The longer the conversation, the more likely you’re going down the wrong road.

It may feel strange to keep those critical thoughts to yourself when he seems so richly deserving of hearing about the pain he’s caused you. It may seem only fair to tell him how you’re feeling.

Making the choice to be reserved and dignified in your talks with him will pave the way for a brighter future than complaining–no matter how justified–ever could.

4. Listen big

Instead of telling him how hurt and upset you are, consider being on the quiet side and giving him the space to talk by providing emotional safety—no anger, judgment or tears.

For a whole evening (or at least one hour), just say “I hear you” or “uh-huh,” and nothing else.

One woman did this at her marriage counseling sessions, and her husband said, “I keep waiting for you to interrupt me but you’re not!” She just smiled. It wasn’t long before he moved back home.

5. Clean up your side of the street

You have been wronged, and he’s the one who’s behaving badly. But there’s enormous power in inspecting your side of the street for messes you regret and want to clean up.

Look for ways you were critical or controlling. Say, “I apologize for being disrespectful when I…”

Watch your dignity return.

6. Get pleasable

If your husband tries to make you happy in any way, big or small (and in my experience, he will), do your best to receive the gesture and convey your pleasure at his efforts.

You deserve those efforts, and he’ll feel good knowing he was able to please you.

7. Thank him

With so much going wrong, it will feel strange to look for what’s going right. But if you thank him—for continuing to pay the mortgage, for picking up the kids, for asking how you are—you’ll be focusing on the things you want instead of the things you don’t. And what you focus on increases.

8. Skip marriage counseling

I dragged my husband to marriage counseling thinking the counselor would fix him so I could finally be happy. It didn’t work. No couple ever got happier by complaining about each other for an hour a week.

That doesn’t mean you have to navigate this breakdown by yourself. Instead, get a relationship coach who has been in your situation and made her marriage playful and passionate again to guide you.

9. Smile at him

He’s going to expect anger or tears. What if you freaked him out by smiling when he sees you?

You may not feel like he deserves your smile, but what if this were more about you than him anyway? What if you manifested your commitment to having a happy life, regardless of what your husband is doing?

If he asks why you’re so happy, you can acknowledge that his recent decision reminded you that life is short and you decided to pay more attention to your happiness. He won’t think you’re happier without him so much as he will notice how attractive you are when you’re smiling.

10. Stay off the fence

There will be days when you think it’s not worth it or that it’s hopeless and stupid to try to save your marriage. Of course you’ll get discouraged, but your vision of being a happy couple is worthwhile and possible.

When you find yourself on the fence about your marriage, find the people in your life who support your vision and let them remind you to jump onto the side of love.

11. Flirt with him

Flirting signals that you feel attractive. You might feel far from that, but here’s a shortcut for getting back there.

Bring your playful self to your interactions with him.

Send a silly text. Do your happy dance. Laugh when he’s funny, and reference the inside jokes you share.

Flirt and you’ll trick yourself into feeling confident instead of insecure. Feeling confident is the same as being confident.

12. Make every meeting a date

If you see him—even if it’s at the divorce attorney’s, the marriage counselor’s, or just to hand off the kids—pretend it’s a date.

Dress up and doll up. Let him open the door and thank him with a sweet smile. Have some fun with it.

13. Seduce him

This is your husband we’re talking about, so even if he’s being intimate with someone else, he’s yours, not hers.

You might be tempted to retaliate by locking him out of the bedroom, but when you’re trying to restore intimacy why not start with physical intimacy? It’s a great springboard.

14. Get Cheerleaders

You probably know plenty of people who will tell you to throw the bum out or figure out where all the assets are in preparation for a divorce.

But every great come-from-behind-and-win-the-game story has cheerleaders. You’ll need yours too. Find the friends, coach or chat group that supports your vision.

I, for one, am cheering for you not only to save your marriage but to make it magical again.

I’m not saying it will be easy, but it will be worth it to feel desired, cherished, and adored by your husband again.

The post How to Get Your Husband Back after He Leaves You appeared first on Laura Doyle.

How I Drove Another Husband Away—and Got Him Back

Deb Reid, Laura Doyle Certified Coach

“I don’t think I can do this anymore.”

I froze.

I had heard those words before, years ago, from a different husband. That time, I had four babies under the age of six.

Sadly, the common factor was me.

I stumbled away and drove, sobbing all the way. I stopped halfway at a women’s refuge and pleaded with them to help me. They couldn’t.

I cried out to God. “Help me. Show me what to do. I can’t go through this again.”

Here’s how my prayer to save my marriage was answered.
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Long, dark hours later, I arrived at a lonely hotel. No messages. Nothing. I took a sleeping pill and cried myself to sleep.

I spent the next four days with my girlfriends, celebrating our fiftieth birthdays. We shared our stories, cried, laughed and floundered around trying to find solutions for our myriad of marital problems.

Then I had to head home. Would my husband even be there?

I took my time. With my surfboard, a tent and a sleeping bag, I cruised my way south.

I kept praying, “God show me.”

How could I mend something when I didn’t understand why or how it was broken? Why had two husbands wanted to leave me? I was consumed by self-doubt.

I was a teacher and knew that the secret to problem-solving was having an open mind and a humble heart.

I drove to a bookstore and went to the self-help section. One title jumped out at me: First, Kill All the Marriage Counselors (now The Empowered Wife).

The title struck a chord for me because, despite our marriage difficulties, my husband had refused to see a marriage counselor. He was so embittered.

He was a pastor who had been married before. He’d been willing to do whatever it took to save their marriage.

The marriage counselor had advised my husband’s first wife that he was a misogynist and that there was no hope for the marriage so she had better just leave.

Humiliation.

So he raised his five children alone, until we met in an online chat room.

It was love at first type. He was loving, strong, dark, handsome and just what I was looking for.

He crossed the continent to join our families. Two adults, nine kids, umpteen pets and a free set of steak knives!

Despite our love, it was hard work from the start. We had little time alone, a huge blended family and different ideas about everything! I became stressed, disappointed and negative. We argued.

Or at least I did, but it was always his fault! Wasn’t it?

I said terrible things. Sometimes I swore and threw things.

He was self-controlled and reserved. He stonewalled me. Once, he didn’t speak to me for two weeks. It was so lonely.

After ten years, I was ready to leave. So, it seemed, was he. But I just couldn’t go through with it. I had married before God for life.

So there I was buying my book. The shop assistant laughed. “I should buy ten of those!”

I read at a nearby cafe. I consumed a lot of coffee and humble pie!

I texted him, apologizing for my disrespect. For the first time in five days, he communicated. He said he loved me and hated fighting. I was blown away!

I responded, thanking him for all the things I could. He replied that he really wanted to see me. So we met up the coast.

The first day was amazing. We talked. I listened and was vulnerable.

It didn’t last. On the way home, he criticized my driving and I exploded. The tensions were still there, just below the surface. I didn’t know how to cultivate intimacy or how to respond to his criticism. I felt misunderstood, angry and helpless.

Feeling like a failure, I secretly talked with a Laura Doyle coach. I realized that if I ever wanted to be a happily married, I needed the right education and support.

I had several setbacks. My coaching group encouraged me to persevere.

It took a long time for my husband to trust that I really was different. I was sometimes vaguely disrespectful, couching it in sweet talk, but his respectometer was so sensitive!

Whenever I crossed the line, even slightly, he would drag out his old catchphrase: “You’re so controlling. Everyone says so.”

Ouch!

One day, after steadfastly refusing to be baited into a fight, I ironically yelled, “I don’t do this anymore!”

Fast forward to Valentine’s Day. I wished my husband a Happy Valentine’s. He grinned and said, “Is it? Whoops!”

The old, un-surrendered me would have responded angrily. This time, I grinned. “Every day is Valentine’s Day with you,” I said as I waltzed out the door.

Hours later, the rich perfume of roses and a delicious dinner welcomed me home.

That was just the beginning. So many amazing things have happened since I surrendered that it blows me away. He decided to provide for us by selling his collections of horses and old cars. I had badgered him to do this for years, with no result except a cold war. Now he is doing it willingly, as my hero.

I have left my exhausting teaching job and am happily working a mere ten hours per week.

I am about to go to Europe with a husband who said he’d never! We’ve been on two trips to Sri Lanka and one cruise, not to mention getting new lounges and a new car. Now he is always taking me out. And buying me clothes! So weird. This is a pastor who never had any money.

We still have our bad weeks. Last week was a doozy because we started a new diet, but we got over it and he has been doing what I call “man sorries” ever since: setting tables and doing dishes, washing and vacuuming! He never did this before. He gives me the occasional verbal apology too.

I have a new peace knowing that trouble is not always my fault. My side of the street tends to be clean now, whereas I used to have to apologize all the time. I feel more peaceful and feminine.

My relationships across the board have improved. My sisters are now seriously surrendering and loving their transforming marriages. It’s so beautiful and exciting to be able to support each other like this.

My husband and I are just about to go off on the Harley for a mystery lunch. He likes taking me out now, so I’ve got to run!

The post How I Drove Another Husband Away—and Got Him Back appeared first on Laura Doyle.

How I Got My Happily-Ever-After Back

Sue, Laura Doyle Certified Coach

Once upon a time, there was a prince named Gregory who came across a fair maiden lady named Sue. And as the story goes, after it took them so long to find one another, they were destined to live happily ever after–or so they thought.

The differences between us began to appear when we were engaged and Greg moved into my townhouse. It wasn’t really the everyday things such as cooking, cleaning, and laundry that we struggled with. I was deeply blessed to have found a 55-year-old bachelor who was quite self-sufficient and self-motivated.

Where we struggled was our communication, mutual decision-making, and emotional differences.

I controlled all the finances and planned to continue to control all the decisions regarding my townhouse, along with many other things.

I gave my controlling opinion about his truck-driving job, which had him on the road for weeks on end. As a weekend wife, I was exhausted from doing everything and lonely because he was hardly ever home. I was not handling it emotionally well at all, which made him miserable with regret and unable to make me happy.

Here’s the magical ingredient that was missing from our marriage and how we got it back.
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We argued whenever we had to make any decisions. He felt I wasn’t validating him at all, whereas I felt I was thanking him all the time. How much more do I have to say thank you? He wasn’t feeling respected, and I was feeling resentful.

Whenever we tried to resolve our issues by talking, he would give me his logical approach to everything, and I was told that I was too emotional and taking things too personally.

I would then shut down or explode, and nothing would get resolved. It hit my self-esteem and felt abusive to me. I felt my opinion was never heard. Greg, too, was feeling like I was not listening to him.

It all came to a head when we attempted to purchase a home.

I had been through the process before and knew what to expect. My husband, on the other hand, had never experienced anything like it. It was fast-paced and caused a lot of anxiety for him. For me, it was the opposite; I was buzzing from all the excitement of finding a home that I loved.

We couldn’t agree on negotiating on the house, which caused such a huge fight that we came out lashing at one another. There we were, 9 months into our “happily-ever-after” marriage, and he says that he is falling out of love with me!

I was crushed, all my dreams torn out from under me. I lost it and didn’t hold anything back.

The next day, I had to call the realtor and our pastor. And say goodbye to the home of my dreams.

There I was again, in my third failing marriage. It made me ask, “Why is this happening again?” I thought I’d found my prince––the one who was going to love me ’til death do us part!

I contacted a marriage counselor and made an appointment, desperate to save our marriage. Greg, thankfully, agreed to go.

The greatest advice the counselor was able to give was on a yellow post-it note: Read The Surrendered Wife by Laura Doyle.

It was like God working a miracle. I had read The Surrendered Single a few years before and knew that it was one of the reasons I’d found Greg in the first place. So I ran to the bookstore immediately and began to read, desperate for an answer to this insanity.

As I read about Laura’s marriage, it felt like I was reading about myself. I felt connected when she described the “control” I had over my husband. I discovered that my challenges were about fear–my fear.

I knew I had trust issues, but I didn’t realize that I did not trust the one man who showed me every day that he adored me.

I began applying Laura’s principles to my life and was very surprised by my husband’s responses to them.

My first experiment was with respect. Following our marriage counseling session, my husband was expressing his concerns with our plan to purchase a home and how discouraged he was not knowing if it would be enough to make me happy.

His words were cutting like a knife into my heart, fueling my fear of rejection. My head was spinning with fear as all I heard was “no” to a home and to my dreams for a beautiful marriage.

Suddenly, Laura’s voice came to me and reminded me about respect and how it’s like oxygen to men. So, I squeezed out “I hear you.” The next thing I heard was a huge sigh from my husband and a strong “THANK YOU!”

It was at that moment that I realized I had not been respectful with honoring his words, thoughts, or ideas. I realized how important respect is to validating my husband’s existence in our marriage.

I then tried on relinquishing control. My husband was asking my opinion about some remodeling decisions in my townhome. In the past, I would always provide my opinion then have expectations that he would do as I suggested, right?

It never worked. My opinion caused arguments and nothing was ever accomplished; the only thing that came consistently was more emotional pain for me.

This time I stopped, got the courage to try something new, and stated, “Whatever you think, honey.”

My husband instantly replied, “No, it’s important that I hear your opinion.”

As tempting as it was, I deferred back to him and repeated, “Whatever you think–I trust you.”

I saw my man grow taller–literally–as he began to explain how he was going to solve the issue. He became my hero.

What I noticed immediately was a feeling of freedom! I no longer needed to make all these decisions myself! The more I relinquished control, the more I felt trust grow between us and saw the arguments dissolve.

As I began practicing each of the 6 Intimacy Skills™, I saw hope once again. I began to rebuild our relationship and create the happily-ever-after marriage we were destined to enjoy.

I have been blessed to know Laura Doyle through her coaching sessions and to meet other surrendered wives and girlfriends in the process. Laura is truly a godsend in my eyes and a woman of integrity.

Each day I try my best to practice the Intimacy Skills with my husband. I am, once again, feeling cherished by my prince, and we are truly living happily ever after!

The post How I Got My Happily-Ever-After Back appeared first on Laura Doyle.

My Husband Betrayed Me

How I Found My Way Back to Love

Rachel Smith

At the age of 20, I met my husband to be. He was charming, a true gentleman with such a beautiful heart. I fell in love quickly, and the next year we were married. I was so happy to be a wife and full of anticipation about the life we would create together.

However, our marital bliss didn’t last for long.

Life seemed to have dealt us an unfair hand. Two weeks before our wedding, my mother had a massive stroke that left her with severe aphasia. The next year, my parents divorced.

I soon found myself responsible for taking care of my mother, helping my two sisters finish high school, and mediating between my parents. To top that off, we had tons of debt from college loans, pressure to succeed in our new careers, a couple moves, not to mention all our past baggage.

We were up a creek without a paddle, and I began to feel incredibly helpless and sad. The only way to numb the pain was to control anything and everything that I could.

This included my husband, who, unfortunately, would not be controlled. Instead, he drifted further and further away.

Here’s how I repaired the rift, even after the ultimate betrayal.
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I loved the man I had married dearly, but he just couldn’t seem to do anything right. I felt like I needed so much more from him than what he was able to give. I dealt with this frustration by criticizing how he spent his time, his ways of helping around the house, and even what time he went to bed.

What I saw as “helpful” suggestions created a disconnect between us. He was spending more and more time away from me, apparently weary of what seemed to be a hopeless marriage.

No matter how hard we tried, we couldn’t find our way back to each other.

I became desperate. I read as many books as I could on relationships, took him to marriage counseling, and sought help from our church leaders.

Nothing seemed to help. The rift between us only grew deeper.

A couple months before our seventh anniversary, I experienced a deep betrayal that left my heart in a million pieces. My husband drank too much at a company dinner and ended up sleeping with his coworker. A few days later, with tears streaming down his face, he told me what had happened.

I was absolutely devastated and felt so betrayed. I had to ask myself, “What in the world did I do to make him feel like this was a good choice?”

I couldn’t make sense of what had happened, but I knew that somehow I had played a part in it.

A few days later, I came across some verses I had heard a million times, but for some reason, they sounded different this time: “Love is patient, love is kind, love is slow to anger, love believes the best, love always trusts…”

I had to stop and ask myself, “Do I love like this?” The answer was no and to be honest, I didn’t know how. I prayed for direction and guidance.

My prayers were quickly answered when a friend recommended a book now called The Empowered Wife. At first, the book was hard to read because it all felt so backwards. At the same time, reading this book was a huge relief. I could see myself on every page, and I didn’t feel so alone anymore.

I immediately put the 6 Intimacy Skills™ to the test. Every day, I fought past all the doubts in my head, and I began to truly trust and respect my husband.

He slowly transformed before my eyes. As I experimented with phrases like “whatever you think” and “I trust you,” his confidence grew.

When he asked which shirt to wear to dinner, I would say, “Whatever you think.”

When he told me different options he had for replacing the tires on my car, I said, “I trust you–thank you for taking care of that.”

And he wasn’t the only person who changed–I did too! I became the loving, respectful woman I had always wanted to be. I began to feel good about myself and my choices.

I learned how to identify my true desires. I was able to share with my husband how I wanted to work less, get away more in the winter, and start a family in a way that inspired him to make all of these desires realities in my life!

Looking back over the years, my “helpful” suggestions and constant lack of trust sent the message that he wasn’t good enough, smart enough, or capable. Trust and respect were the missing ingredients in our relationship.

This was our path back to love.

Now our marriage is full of intimacy, peace, friendship and safety. The best part of every day is coming home after work, knowing that the man who adores me more than anything in the world is behind that front door.

As my husband likes to say, “We are living in a miracle!”

The post My Husband Betrayed Me: How I Found My Way Back to Love appeared first on Laura Doyle.

From Roommates to Romantics

How My Despair Brought Back the Man of My Dreams

Coach Jo

In 2005, I met the man of my dreams: funny, outgoing, romantic, passionate, talented, smart, kind, caring, generous and extremely sexy!

I felt incredible when I was with him. We were engaged eight months later and married soon after.

After nine years of the ups and downs of married life, I was falsely accused of being unfaithful. Shocked and devastated, I started a seven-month pity party. I couldn’t stand the despair of living with a man who had become merely a roommate and business partner.

I had no idea my despair would help me become cherished, adored and romanced.
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With my pity party in full swing, Laura’s Intimacy Skills found me. I watched her free Masterclass on the Six Intimacy Skills™, listening intently as she transparently shared how she had gone from the brink of divorce to being ridiculously happy with her husband.

I joined the online Surrendered Wife Empowered Woman VIP program and began watching her videos and filling out workbooks applying the Intimacy Skills to my own life.

I couldn’t believe how simple it all sounded. Laura gave such practical cheat phrases and challenges that it seemed anyone could do them. My hope grew the more I learned.

I was blessed to go on vacation with my husband and his family just five days later. On this trip I stole time for myself to keep reading, watching and learning about the Skills. I was committed to transforming my marriage.

That’s when I first had the awareness to recognize disrespect, control, focus on the negative, arguing, and the rejection of gifts, compliments and help.

This ugliness was all happening in the beautiful home we had rented. I could now see these women, whom I love deeply, attacking our men. They seemingly believed they were bonding over this “harmless” bashing.

Prior to this trip, I had joined them! I too had complained of my husband’s shortcomings with laughter and derision and joined in to “joke” about my father-in-law and brother-in-law. I now sat there holding back tears of shame as their joking persevered.

The same day, I apologized to my husband for my previous participation in such disrespectful and demeaning conversations.

For the first time in a very long time, he looked at me with hope in his eyes and softness in his voice as he said, “Thank you–that means a lot.”

I did my best to practice these newly acquired Skills throughout our vacation. We had fun and were the only couple that did not argue–the entire trip!

After arriving home, it was harder to use the Skills and apply duct tape when I wanted to speak my mind. I couldn’t figure out why. I was still experiencing increased intimacy, but my old habits, like offering “help” and defending myself rather than listening, kept sneaking in. It seemed so much harder here.

So I attended the Cherished for Life Weekend in September and started Laura Doyle’s Relationship Coach Training Program the very next month.

That’s where I figured out what I was missing: replenishing self-care!

This revelation was a huge turning point. I now began to truly understand that this was all about changing me and not my husband. I increased my self-care, focused on myself and enjoyed the ride.

Literally! In December, my husband took me on vacation to New Orleans after I’d stated a desire to travel more. As we rode on a romantic bike taxi ride, he pulled me close and wrapped his arms around me. He grabbed me, dipped me and passionately kissed me in front of our entire bus tour for a photo opportunity!

Back at the hotel, he held me close as we fell asleep after the fleur-de-lis dropped, marking the start of a brand new year.

It was also the start of a new phase of our marriage as, just short of a year since I’d found the Skills, we held hands, laughed and had an incredible trip.

Things continue to get even better.

Thanks to my husband’s support, I no longer work summers and am working less during the school year. He comes home earlier during the week. He calls me often throughout the day to say hello. He takes most weekends off and fills them with fun activities for us. We have more vacations planned and enjoy talking about our future.

While my marriage isn’t perfect, I feel cherished and adored by my amazing husband! I will be forever grateful to God for Laura, the Skills and my commitment to change myself and my marriage.

The best is yet to come! I am a surrendered, empowered wife in love with my husband and my life!

I’m still with the man of my dreams, and our reality is even better than a dream.

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My Husband Irritates Me

How I Went from Annoyed to Adored
Sara, Laura Doyle Certified Coach

I had a hard time talking with my husband from the beginning.

Sitting in the lobby of some hotel, I would feel stifled at his choice of topics for conversation. I felt pressured to read up before we met so that I would look at least somewhat intelligent.

I’d also be annoyed that when the taxi driver didn’t give him change, he would just let it go.

However, I saw that he was sensitive, gentle, good-looking, and very smart.

We got married about five months after we met, and I was a nervous wreck. I wasn’t sure if I liked or respected him that much, but I was afraid that no one else out there
would want me.

As a newlywed, my husband was always thinking of ways to delight me, like bringing home an ice cream cone for us to share. Still, I would be annoyed. Didn’t he know I was trying to diet?!

Here’s how I turned my annoying husband into one who adores me--a feeling that’s now mutual.
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He would prepare a little scavenger hunt with notes hanging from the ceiling or tucked under pillows that led me to the fridge, where he’d hidden a heart he had carved out of a watermelon.

I had been looking forward to eating that watermelon–I was pregnant for goodness’ sakes–and now he had butchered it into a nauseating mess.

He also bought me flowers every week. Beautiful, big bouquets of flowers. I was so nervous receiving them, thinking he’s just bringing me flowers out of a sense of duty, like it’s the thing to do.

And besides, flowers are so expensive! We were on a tight budget with him still studying and me job hopping, filling whatever positions I could find. And my parents were paying our rent!

“I don’t need flowers every week,” I told him. “We can use the money for other things.”

So he started showering me with flowers on cards instead. I’d smile and secretly roll my eyes. His messages were so kinky! Pretty much the same variations week after week. No surprises there.

One time I came home and was thrilled to find candles leading to our bedroom, with flower petals strewn all along the path. He was waiting for me by the door when it opened.

I enjoyed that but suggested that it was a shame to destroy such beautiful flowers; maybe next time he could use fake flower petals.

There actually was a next time, with fake flower petals, but somehow neither of us enjoyed it that much… And he never used them again.

Soon the treats, flowers and cards trickled to a stop.

We had babies in quick succession, which brought a whole slew of new joys and challenges into our lives, including financial difficulties. My husband had a job, but it was pretty minimal, and I would literally ration our water.

I tried working from home or part time. I was exhausted if I tried to work, bored and overwhelmed if I didn’t.

It didn’t help that I was the only one with a driver’s license. I was responsible for driving him around, and I white knuckled it through his driving practice.

Even when he finally got his license (which I couldn’t believe the instructor had actually granted), I always felt insecure in his car. I actually preferred my teenage brother at the wheel over my husband if we had to go a long distance.

I was very concerned that he didn’t know how to take care of our children properly either. I showed him how to hold the babies, diaper them, and what they could eat. I organized routines and schedules for my little brood, taking them on trips to the park or the supermarket myself.

I rarely left them with him, and when I did, I felt I always had to pay for it later with his frustration at being with the kids for “so long.”

My husband worked until 2:30 in the afternoon, and that was about it. He didn’t help me with bedtime or cleaning up–at all. He left his stuff everywhere. I’d literally follow him around and pick up his socks from the floor, his pants off the banister, his undershirt from the bathroom sink, his plate off the table.

I felt that my husband was another child I had to parent, and I was embarrassed of him.

I was so resentful. I criticized how quickly he wore his shoes out. I was afraid he was following in his father’s footsteps with the extra belly fat he was carrying around. I worried he wasn’t doing his job well, and I was just plain not attracted to him!

And then, after everything I had done for him–clean the house, do his laundry, organize his papers, cook his food, raise his children–he would complain that I didn’t respect him!

What more could he want of me?! I was such a good wife. I never complained when he often stayed away from home for hours at a time. (In fact, it was a bit of a relief not to have him around.) I was working so hard, yet I was still so supportive of his needs and how he spent his time!

Things peaked after the birth of our fifth child in 2012. My husband lost interest in me sexually, except maybe to do his thing, which left me feeling alone and angry.

We took a mini vacation, renting a cabin upstate. He couldn’t even look at me. I tried so hard to get his attention. I climbed up a rickety ladder to this little loft in the cabin and danced around, anything to get him to notice me.

Finally, out of desperation, I tore off my negligee and tossed it into the garbage. Without a backward glance, my husband took the garbage out to the dumpster.

I just exploded in pain. I couldn’t understand how he could be so self-centered, so oblivious and so cruel!

Something had to give.

We started therapy. I knew he needed it. I had grown up in a large, happy family, unlike him. His mother was neglectful, and his father died young from smoking and poor health. My husband had been in and out of therapy for a few years already, which I definitely supported.

He had a lot of issues to work through–that I knew.

But now we were in a whole other league. Individual counseling, marriage therapy, couples weekends, you name it. We flew out of state to one highly recommended psychologist, drove hours into the city for another, and spent thousands and thousands of dollars trying to unravel our marriage issues.

After the better sessions, I would feel a release, like I had finally gotten off my chest some of the things I’d been holding inside. After the the worst ones, my husband would sulk or blow up, and we wouldn’t talk to each other for a week until our next appointment.

None of them brought any sort of lasting peace, playfulness, passion, or intimacy. None helped me love and respect my husband more. None helped him desire or adore me.

Then, in 2015, I discovered Laura Doyle’s book The Surrendered Wife. Her story immediately resonated with me, but it was hard to implement her suggestions on my own. I had so many patterns that needed to be uncovered, so many habits that were so entrenched.

Besides, Laura often spoke about how amazing her husband was when they met. I’d never really felt that way about my husband. I wasn’t sure these 6 Intimacy Skills™ could do much to turn him around.

Eventually I placed the book back on my shelf, where it sat for another year or so. But it resurfaced again when a friend of mine started practicing the Intimacy Skills and encouraged me to take another look.

Well, this was the first time I saw that my lack of respect toward my husband was likely factoring into his seeming inability to discipline and love our children effectively.

It was the first time I’d heard that being a good wife doesn’t mean doing for my husband and that I would benefit better from receiving what he had to offer me.

It was the first time I noticed how controlling and resentful I was so much of the time.

I knew I needed more support. My friend and the books were not enough–I was hungry for more. I looked up Laura Doyle online and scheduled a Discovery Call. I wanted the most that they could offer, so when they said that was to be found in Laura Doyle Relationship Coach Training, I called my husband. He said, “Do it.”

It was life changing.

When I started respecting him, his whole energy changed. He became more masculine, and I loved the new strength he exuded. I began to enjoy being intimate with him and looked forward to his touch. I love the way he looks at me now.

I have discovered that my husband is a wonderful father. He is in charge of our children’s discipline, and I love it.

He helps me pick up around the house and puts the kids to bed. He takes full responsibility for our finances and provides wonderfully for us.

He is so loving and attentive to me and has forgiven me with an open heart. I am so grateful.

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I Am Exhausted

How I Went from Doing It All to Having It All
Marissa, Laura Doyle Certified Coach

In my house, I did it all.

If a diaper needed to be changed, I changed it. If a last-minute doctor visit was needed, I rearranged my schedule. If the house was dirty, I cleaned it.

I was exhausted from handling the majority of the childcare and household responsibilities.

I was also suffering from postpartum depression following the birth of my daughter. I’m certain that continuing to do so many things I really didn’t want to be doing contributed to my depression.

With depression, exhaustion and just plain misery oozing out of me, my husband became the enemy in my eyes.

It was ugly. He did very little to help and when he did, he did it wrong. I was so angry about having to do everything to keep up the house and care for our daughter.

I was clearly married to a misogynist and knew it was his mother’s fault for babying him and doing everything for him.

Here’s how I got my husband to step up and be the man I wanted so I could finally kick my feet up.
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Little did I know how big a part I was playing in my own unhappiness. I preferred to point the finger at him than to look at myself.

I decided to check out Laura Doyle’s then new book, now titled The Empowered Wife. It was eye-opening. I saw how I played a part in our failing marriage. I also realized I had the power to fix it.

When I saw my husband that evening, without explanation I gave him a big hug as my way of saying “I see so clearly now and I want to do better.”

This began my journey with the 6 Intimacy Skills™.

The Intimacy Skills made sense to me. Now that I had this information, I could no longer bury my head in the sand and continue to blame him for my unhappiness.

At first I found myself in what I call the “painfully aware” stage, seeing and hearing the effects of my disrespectful comments and continuous attempts to control him but catching them too late.

I’d criticize him for spending $2.25 on the toll road when it saved only one or two minutes, strike back when my feelings got hurt, or “help” him pay the car registration that I was convinced he’d forgotten about.

I slowly began implementing the Intimacy Skills and started feeling a difference in myself. I wouldn’t engage in negativity and instead applied my imaginary duct tape.

When he was in a bad mood one morning, instead of responding with my opinion on his negativity, I experimented with keeping my mouth shut. I allowed him to hear his own complaints about our flimsy bank account, his rebuttal of any idea I had, and his frustration with our four-year-old daughter being a four year old.

I was shocked when he caught himself and jokingly said, “Boy, I sure am fun to be around, aren’t I?”

I started experimenting with doing less–or doing nothing at all–when it came to household and parenting responsibilities. What would happen if I didn’t make my daughter lunch or help her in the bathroom the split second she said “I’m done” when both parents were available?

I owned that I was the one doing a lot of the parenting out of fear of something bad happening if I didn’t.

When I stepped down, he stepped up.

This was a simple task but not always an easy one. I found myself having to sit on my hands to avoid jumping in, zipping my lips instead of telling him how to do it, or just leaving the room.

He may not serve lunch until 3 p.m. and it may take my daughter saying “I’m done” three times before he helped her in the bathroom, but it did get done.

I went from resenting him for not doing enough to showing appreciation for all that he was doing. I started saying thank you to him all the time. I would consciously look for ways I did appreciate him and let him know, such as thanking him for going to work every day and supporting our family. I noticed more thank you’s came back to me from him, which felt so good.

I apologized for being disrespectful without a follow up of “but you…” and felt proud of how I was showing up in our marriage.

This journey started with the book, but it wasn’t until I began Laura Doyle Relationship Coach Training and received support from other women on the same path that real change occurred. It was like taking a trip and having someone beside you with the map guiding you to your destination.

That’s when the magic began! My husband started appreciating me more. He would apologize when he felt he had done something wrong. He became the man I’d wanted! I was the one surrendering, and he stepped up in more ways than I could ever have imagined.

At first it was practical ways (that I was just giddy over), like taking the trash out, washing dishes, and taking care of our daughter. I could just relax and put my feet up.

Then it was handling the finances, helping me with my dream of starting my own business, noticing me and complimenting how I looked, and initiating romantic lovemaking that we hadn’t shared in a long time.

What’s stopping you from having it all?

The post I Am Exhausted appeared first on Laura Doyle.

My Relationship Is Hopeless

How to Make Marriage Sexy Again
Valerie, Laura Doyle Certified Coach

“Thank you for being a sexy, hot mama,” my husband says, then he kisses me goodbye and leaves for work.

Yum! I lay in my cozy bed feeling thankful for a hardworking and loving husband. Extra thankful, in fact, because of how dramatically our entire lives have changed.

My story actually begins with an exhausted and unfulfilled “heroine”: me, a.k.a. “Superwoman,” who was actually more like Mary Mary Quite Contrary.

Bitter. Mad. Lonely. Sad.

Feeling unloved, uncherished, undesired, and unlovely.

As an extrovert, I have a perversely large desire to be seen, heard, appreciated, applauded, and extravagantly loved. (Maybe I can blame my grandma, who knows practically everyone and can talk to a tree.)

Whatever the cause, it feels like a curse at times. And whatever the personality, I know I’m not alone in having a profound need to be seen, heard, appreciated, and loved.

I had no idea my efforts to get the attention, appreciation, and love I craved were backfiring.
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I’ve spent much of my life jumping through just the right hoops, seeking attention and emotional gratification.

As a newlywed, I delighted in working long hours, weekends included, in a fulfilling career serving hundreds of children alongside about 200 coworkers. Being part of this supportive team felt like a great fit for me.

That’s because I came from a generations’ deep community, with lots of family living close by. From a family of six, the (know-it-all) oldest at that, I was accustomed to plenty of social interaction and massive amounts of appreciation, thank you very much!

With my career in place, I felt it was time to start our own family. So, after nine years of marriage, I found myself mothering our three little children full-time.

But who was mothering me? I was a wreck, and I was waiting for a permission slip to take care of myself. Ugh!

In the midst of my dream of a happy family, I actually felt unappreciated, invisible, silenced, and very alone. I was unhappy and angry, and of course my husband, who was often gone working long hours, was not making me happy. And I let him know it regularly!

In other words, I was pretty much the opposite of a surrendered and empowered woman.

I was convinced that my husband’s intimacy issues were the root cause. So I gave my marriage one year. With all the passionate fighting, why would I stay? Yes, I wanted our children to have an intact family. But how could an intelligent, charming, and independent woman like me have married such a jerk?!

It was an excruciating time for me. This was not what I’d dreamed of when I vowed “I do, for better or for worse.”

On the outside, I had everything. Inside, I was dying a painful death.

I was nursing our newborn son. But it was more like I was “nursing” everyone and everything that was actually out of my control. I was energetically striving so hard but felt so unhappy and hopeless. Secretly miserable (with a fake smile) would be the best description.

All of my pain seemed to be part of a walled-off, secret, neglected garden. When I shared this secret pain, I was shamed and betrayed and “advised.” Double ouch!

My husband now says thank God that I found the 6 Intimacy Skills™. I am thankful, too. I also found a new tribe of empowered women who make me feel so safe and supported along this surrendering journey.

It reminded me of Frances Hodges Burnett’s the children’s story The Secret Garden, in which Mary discovers the key to this walled garden. It is completely overgrown, but she takes good care of it, until it awakens and become beautiful. Mary herself changes in miraculous ways, growing happier and better and stronger every day.

This is my story too. I felt like a rose bush mowed over. My own garden and, yes, my own intimacy issues, had been left untended, full of prickly thorns. Ouch!

The key I discovered is the Intimacy Skills.

My journey into caring for my secret garden began with radical self-care, which transformed my entire life. My private coach asked me what it would be like to have my self-care at 100%. What an exciting experiment!

I took long walks. I traveled adventurously. I relaxed and snuggled. I danced joyfully. I connected with others in deep, rich, and meaningful ways. Even my extroverted soul gets worn out, and I relished my much-needed solitude. I connected with my own soul during meditation. I was able to be still and know that I am not God.

Desires long buried in my secret garden began to wake up and come alive, just like in the story.

I began asking myself daily, sometimes moment by moment: “How do I feel? What do I need? What do I desire?”

My new mantra became “The Surrendered Wife Empowered Woman puts her desires first and lets everything fall into place.”

As I explored my pure desires, they began to happen! Little by little, my life manifested all I was deeply yearning for, from passion and romance to, yes, cleaning and babysitting help.

Passionate intimacy became sweet, with lots of pillow talk, snuggling, and even gifts of lingerie. (My husband knows I adore lacy racy lingerie.)

Best of all, I am now experiencing deep and true intimacy with him. We share our lives, body, mind, and soul. Today, I feel so seen, heard, appreciated, and loved, especially by my husband.

The magic of self-care and honoring my true desires empowers me to practice all the other Skills.

My loving and loyal husband now cares for my heart in ways I did not think possible. He is so committed to making me happy! He is supportive of me, especially emotionally. He showers me with compliments, help, and delicious, lovingly cooked meals. He is a great provider. Even in the sometimes chaos of raising small children, I feel so taken care of.

He often thanks me for being a great wife and mom and for making our home a happy one.

Best of all, I feel like a happily surrendered and empowered woman!

With the Intimacy Skills, our hope for one more blessing, our fourth child, was made possible. My husband held my hand throughout my entire labor and was a huge support to me as we welcomed our little baby!

We hope to raise all our children in a happy home as we grow old together. We hope to gather a big happy family around us in the years to come. We hope our children will always be securely and happily nurtured by parents who are clearly madly in love!

It has been said that “Some people believe what they see, but some people see what they believe.” The Intimacy Skills help me to see with a powerful new pair of possibility glasses. Today, I see the glorious things in my life, myself, my husband, my true tribe, and our future together.

(My husband magically became more intelligent, charming, and independent, too! Wow, do I have great taste in men, or what?)

Together feels so good! While we are never perfect, the secret, shameful fighting and pain are gone. Our lives are filled with honor, loyalty, and commitment.

Today, my entire secret garden has oodles and oodles of beautiful fragrant roses, violets, and lilacs, which are always blooming.

I’m so excited to live out the wildest desires and dreams that are in my happy, thankful heart!

The post My Relationship Is Hopeless appeared first on Laura Doyle.

I Am So Resentful

How I Traded in My Resentment for True Partnership
Stefanie, Laura Doyle Relationship Coach

I remember when I learned that the word “resentment” comes from the French word “sentir,” meaning to feel. As in feeling something over and over.

No wonder my opportunities for chronic resentment were on automatic replay in my head.

And I lost no opportunity of telling my husband about them. I was overwhelmed and unsupported, doing everything myself.

My deepest fear had come to fruition: I was alone. Or at least it felt that way.

My definition of marriage had been clear (to me, at least). It would be a partnership, everything split 50/50: the bills, housework, childcare. But for some reason, this was not happening.

How could this be? When I met Marco, I didn’t think people like him existed. He was so happy. He said that the word “stress” was not in his vocabulary and that he was here to simplify my life.

But it wasn’t so simple. Who would want a peaceful romance when I could opt for drama? I seemed addicted to it, with zero experience having a peaceful relationship.

Here’s how I kicked the drama and resentment for lasting peace.
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We were just too different. I’m vegan; he’s mostly carnivorous. I worked days as a professor; he works nights as a waiter. I’m a reader; he’s a TV addict. I’m too serious; he’s too carefree.

The naysayers in my ear said it would never work, and I started to see that they must be right.

I don’t know why Marco stayed with me. I broke up with him sometimes weekly. The security guards at my apartment must have laughed watching his TV go out the door with him, only to return within a day or two every time.

As I neared thirty-five, my biological clock was ticking louder than ever, and I needed to make sure he was “the one.” How could I have a baby with someone I couldn’t trust to take out the trash?

I was like the woman in the cartoon holding a sign saying “waiting for Mr. Perfect.” She was a skeleton.

Then, one day, Marco proposed. As we left the gourmet vegan restaurant (he loved me enough to try raw swiss chard), I flipped on the radio, and the Shirelles’ song “Going to the Chapel” was playing.

Today’s the day we’ll say “I do,” and we’ll never be lonely anymore.

My doubts and fears fell away. Finally, I put both feet in.

The sky remained blue and the birds kept singing as we bought a house, adopted a puppy, had a baby. My fears of being like those couples whose baby drove a wedge between them turned out to be unfounded. Our bleary eyes kept smiling at each other, the mutual sleep deprivation yet another connection between us.

I felt such gratitude for my dreams coming true that things remained blissful for most of that first year of motherhood.

Then, Marco went back to work.

Increasingly, I felt like I had to do everything, like I was the only grown up in the house. His happy-go-lucky demeanor, which had attracted me, became my bane.

I was overwhelmed. I was trying to manage everything and failing miserably. I kept trying to come up with a system to make things run according to my standards, but Marco was so unmoved by my chore charts and spreadsheets that they would have been more useful as toilet paper.

I sought out self-help mentors, who listened patiently as I complained about—what else—Marco. I worked on myself, but even with my more glaring shortcomings in check, I continued complaining about Marco until one mentor suggested I read The Surrendered Wife.

I recoiled. Me, surrender to Marco? I don’t think so! But, I was desperate enough to check out the book.

Of course, it resonated with me. I was the control freak bemoaning her lazy husband watching TV all day rather than spending time with or supporting her.

At the worst of times, he was incompetent; at the best, I was just smarter.

By this time, he should have known the right way to do things: my way. Though he had barely cooked anything in his life, he would make exotic vegan dishes for me. But I told him to wash the vegetables, which pan to use, how to heat the oil.

For his inexhaustible honey-do list, I told him what to do and how to do it. I knew I had always been hypercritical, but after all this work on myself I was better now. Or so I thought until Laura’s book showed me differently.

Respect? I used to quell the urge to throw something at his head and settle for swearing at him instead, while lamenting that his cursing was unacceptable and traumatic for me. Then we’d argue about arguing, and I’d end up in tears, feeling lonelier than ever.

The Shirelles had lied.

My resentment took aim at his going out. If only he didn’t stay out so late, he would have time to spend with me, time to help me. I resolved to give him an ultimatum.

Only, I knew I would not be prepared to leave him if he did not comply with my demands. Not to mention, I wanted another baby and was soon pregnant again. I decided to put both feet back in and commit myself to Laura’s suggestions.

The first phrase I tried on was “Whatever you think.” It was freeing not to have to solve his problems or tell him what to do or say or wear. (Other family members happily filled in for me, and I could sit back and smile, confident that my man had his own answers.)

When I gave up micromanaging him, I found the silence to explore my own desires.

When resentment creeps back in, my favorite Intimacy Skill comes to the rescue: gratitude. Sometimes I have to force myself to find something to say thank you for, but it always shifts my perspective.

We now have a culture of gratitude in our home. My three year old would even say, “Thank you for saying ‘you’re welcome.’”

How do you respond to that?

My refrain used to be that I didn’t feel supported. Now, I feel so supported that it’s sometimes hard to accept.

When I wanted to fly cross-country for the Cherished for Life Weekend right after being laid off, Marco said to go for it. When I called two days later to say I wanted to blow my (soon to be our) savings to train as a coach, I was sure he’d say I was being naive. Instead, he said, “You would be perfect for that. Go for it!”\

I’m still overcome with gratitude to think that, if not for his support then, I wouldn’t be doing what I feel born to do today as a certified coach.

I long for the days of watching TV with that “lazy” husband of mine as he works multiple jobs to support me so I can stay at home with our two boys.

Yes, he even takes out the trash now and, despite claiming to have been traumatized washing dishes in the Marines, does that too! Not to mention he is a doting father who takes care of the kids whenever I have work to do or a nap to take.

I’m still prey to the illusion that I’ll find the right system to Get Things Done. When I have the urge to dust off those chore charts and honey-do lists, I instead jot down my desires so they stop running circles in my mind. Marco snatches my list and sets to work to fulfill my desires.

As he was leaving the house one day and I asked where to, he said, “To make your dream come true!”

Amid such gallantry, I feel like a queen. With a toddler and a newborn, the chaos gets to me sometimes. But even with baby vomit in my hair, it feels luxurious.

When I get overwhelmed or annoyed at Marco for not doing something “right,” I know what to do (start by washing my hair).

It looks like I’ll have to cut the Shirelles some slack after all.

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