Blog – Laura Doyle

You’ve been working really hard on your relationship. At least it feels like hard work because it’s so draining and takes up so much time and energy.

The bad news is you were probably working on fixing the wrong things.

The good news is that, no matter how bad it seems now, it’s not too late to save the relationship—and get the fulfilling one you set out to have when you first fell in love.

That’s true even if you’re separated, there’s been an affair, or the divorce has already started.

Here’s what you can do to restore the peace, passion and connection you once shared:

1. Duct Tape

Not only does it hold the universe together, duct tape can also keep your relationship together––if…
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Whenever you’re tempted to tell your spouse how to cut an onion, eat more leafy greens or ask the boss for a raise, duct tape is indicated.

If your goal is connection and playfulness, consider trusting your partner to figure it out, even if he seems clueless.

You might be wondering, “What if I’m better at those things than he is?” or “What’s so bad about helping him improve by teaching him what I know?”

The answer is right there in the question: nobody wants to be improved.

Trying to improve your partner creates distance and defensiveness. You probably don’t feel all that good hearing yourself giving orders like a third-grade teacher anyway: “Go sit down.” “Put that away.”
It’s not attractive or conducive to intimacy. Why should being efficient take precedence over faith and trust in your partner’s ability? You wouldn’t have picked him if you didn’t think he was capable to begin with.

But if you’re anything like me, giving up trying to control your partner cold turkey is like trying to stop thinking about elephants right now.

It’s a hard habit to break without these next two life hacks. They will give you the reserves and the perspective you need to keep the duct tape on when you need it the most.

2. Naps

Think napping is only for babies?

You’re more likely to act like a baby when you’re overtired, including overreacting to your partner’s loud phone conversation or the dishes left in the living room again.

The world just doesn’t look right when you’re depleted, so when your spouse is getting on your very last nerve it could be—and often is—that your energy account is simply overdrawn.

Your level of tolerance is directly proportional to how much rest and relaxation you’ve had. Think your relationship problems are bigger than just sleep-deprivation?

Go lie down for an hour and let’s find out.

When you’re well-rested and rejuvenated, you might appreciate that the loud phone conversation that had you gritting your teeth was him taking care of the health insurance so you don’t have to, and that the dishes are in the living room because he made his world-famous chili for everyone while you were out.

3. Coffee Klatches

Relying on just one person for all your social and emotional needs is just not a good setup. That’s why you need a knitting circle, poker buddies, or a running club to save your marriage.

It takes more than one person to meet anyone’s emotional needs. In my case, it takes two sisters, three friends and my husband to make me feel better on a bad day.

You also need friends—preferably with coffee cups.

You might explain to them how much better you are at cutting an onion than your partner, for example. They might remind you to take a nap.

You might also talk about how stressed you are at work or challenged by your kid’s poor grades or your mom’s forgetfulness. Sure, you can tell your spouse these things, but why not tell more than one person?

We humans need several other humans to bear witness to our experiences. Your social community can help uphold your marriage by doing some of the witnessing.

You’ll feel nurtured instead of needy by the time you get home to your spouse, and that happy grin from all the knitting, poker, running and talking will not only make you more attractive, it will go a long way toward creating a good mood at home.

Sure, you’ll still wish he’d clean up more, spend less or not indulge the kids so much. You’ll still be frustrated at times because he’s not listening or paying more attention to you.

But the more you use these three life hacks, the smaller those problems will seem. The more emotionally safe, well rested and supported you are, the happier your marriage will be.

And unlike your partner’s behavior, all of those hacks are well within your control.

The post Three Life Hacks for Saving Your Marriage appeared first on Laura Doyle.

My Husband Is Emotionally Distant

How I Got My White Picket Fence After All
Rachel Hanna, Laura Doyle Certified Coach

All of my life, I had my eye on the prize: being married to my one true soulmate.

I imagined us laughing together on the couch and gazing into each other’s eyes, deeply in love. I imagined a love of such closeness and comfort that we could have a blast together at the grocery store. I also imagined accomplishing big dreams together–white picket fence and all.

I yearned and prayed my heart out to meet him, a focused mission I made my top priority as I became a young woman.

Then I met him, and I knew right away.

He was sensitive, gentle, brilliant, and shared the same dreams as me. From the time we met, he felt familiar and comfortable, like a brother, and also the man I knew I would forever love more and more deeply.

When we got married, I naively said we would be different from other couples. I expected smooth sailing from day one because we were gentle souls aimed for kindness and sweetness towards each other.

Despite that good foundation, within a few weeks the challenges began.

He had taken a job with long, late hours, which didn’t match my vision of the evenings we would spend together as newlyweds. I complained, telling him it was wrong to work so late when we were newly married since we should be cuddling and laughing all evening, as true soulmates do.

It wasn’t long before he was withdrawn and distant.

Here’s how I got my emotionally withdrawn husband to open up and let his love flow.
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My husband was working hard to provide for our family, once I became pregnant a month after the wedding, but I saw only the flaws in his actions. This created tension and conflict between us most days, as I couldn’t get filled up from our short evenings together.

This started a trend of me complaining about two things: his job choices and our lack of emotional connection.

I convinced my generous husband to switch to a job that had more normal hours. But I found flaws with that job too. I complained that he didn’t receive insurance, which sent me into panic mode with my pregnant belly growing.

So he took a job that had normal hours and benefits, but this job went against his very moral code. He vented about this often, and instead of being supportive, I criticized his frustration in the evenings as a barrier to our emotional closeness.

As time went on, I initiated many hours’ long discussions about our emotional closeness, requesting more vulnerability and spontaneity of verbal expression.

As much as I demanded such closeness, it felt too vulnerable for me to show affection or even to say “I love you.” I would sit rigidly near my husband, frozen with numbness wondering if I was proper enough and lovable enough for him to embrace forever.

To my surprise, he became increasingly withdrawn emotionally, without much to say.

It was too painful to sit in my hurt and loneliness, so I made it my mission to change my marriage and my husband to create the picture in my head. But the more I tried to mold him into the man I knew I deserved, the more he pulled away. I had no idea how to get what I wanted.

Then, I was chatting with a local woman on Facebook about her marriage. I was drawn to the happiness I saw exuding from her and her husband after their many years of marriage.

I asked her secret, and she said it was the book now entitled The Empowered Wife.

I read it immediately and started by relinquishing control of my husband. That’s when he lost his full-time job with benefits. It was a blessing in disguise because this was the job where he was asked to do immoral things.

With the support of the book–and G-d’s guidance every step–when my husband shared he was out of work, I hugged him and said, “I trust you will figure this out in the right way.”

I was pregnant and scared, but I let go and soon started seeing a new man whom I could totally trust. He was handling everything well. He quickly started a business and found a new job.

He didn’t change; my perception of him changed. And my letting go allowed him the space to be who he had been all along: a dependable, reliable, responsible hardworking person willing to do what it takes to care for me and our family.

I have learned to tune into my desires, express them, and care for myself daily. I show up to our marriage as a happy, whole woman, not a needy one relying on my husband’s time and attention to fill me up.

I don’t demand closeness now but allow it. I let my guard down, initiating hugs, kisses and I love you’s. My husband opens up and shares and loves fully, and the love really flows.

I now have my white picket fence, which is getting more beautiful by the day.

Our marriage is peaceful and, best of all, filled with more deep love and closeness than I could have ever imagined. I have become receptive and vulnerable, creating the intimacy I had always yearned for.

The post My Husband Is Emotionally Distant appeared first on Laura Doyle.

5 Common Mistakes Women Make to Get Their Man’s Time and Affection

How to Get the Consideration You Want the Way You Want It

Wouldn’t it be a wonderful world if marriage came with an easy-to-follow instruction manual?

Who’s with me?

But since it doesn’t, you bumble along trying out relationship advice you got at the hair salon, from well-meaning friends and even strangers at bars.

They say things like “Never go to bed angry.”

Sounds wise, right? But another way to say that is “Stay up and fight,” which doesn’t seem like such a great idea after all.

There’s a lot of bad relationship advice floating around disguised as “common sense.” Maybe that’s why so many marriages are falling apart.

Here are 5 common mistakes that wives make to get more time and attention from their husbands.
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1. Pointing Out That He’s Not Giving You Time and Attention

Isn’t it just honest–even important–to let your partner know when he’s not meeting your needs?

If you don’t tell him he needs to be more attentive and affectionate, how will he know, right?

The problem is, pointing out what he’s doing wrong is the same as complaining.

Gandhi was right when he said, “Don’t complain. Complaining won’t take you anywhere. Nothing will change unless you change.”

But did that stop me from complaining to my husband that he should spend more time with me and pay more attention to me?

No, it did not.

I’d say things like, “You never spend any time with me” or “Why don’t you turn off the TV for once so we can talk?”

As you can imagine, those words didn’t inspire my husband to whisk me off to a romantic dinner, have a long, deep conversation or walk hand in hand on the beach.

To put it in perspective, imagine hearing those words from a friend. You’d think the friend was needy, or at least unpleasant.

In other words, pointing out what he’s not doing will only make him less inclined to give you his time or attention.

Don’t worry–there’s a much more effective way to get the connection you crave, which I’ll tell you about in a minute.

But first, are you making this common mistake?

2. Asking Him for Time or Attention

It seems logical that one way to get more time and attention is to just ask your husband for more time and attention.

Maybe you’d say something like, “Can you come home from work on time so we can spend the evening together?” Or, “When can you make time for me?”

But that approach can never be satisfying if you want him to want to spend time with you.

If you’re like most women, you want to feel irresistible and attractive to your husband–body, mind and soul. Having to ask for time and attention will never satisfy that desire.

Also, asking isn’t necessary. Remember when you were falling in love and you couldn’t get enough time together? You didn’t ask him for attention then.

You might think that’s because he was putting his best foot forward and now that you’ve settled into real life he’s more interested in football or video games than he is in you.

But what if there was actually something you did naturally then that you’ve since stopped doing? Something that made you irresistible to him?

We’ll get to that, but first let’s see if you’ve ever made this mistake.

3. Hanging Around Waiting for Him

Another common mistake is arranging your schedule according to when he’s available instead of according to your own desires.

Shawna stayed home most nights and weekends hoping that her husband would be available to her, but it rarely worked out that way. Instead, she found herself waiting around bored while he worked late or even made other plans.

Resentful that she was the only one making their couple time a priority, she was often angry by the time he showed up because it was too little too late.

That perpetuated the cycle of him avoiding her. After all, who is going to feel drawn to an resentful, prickly wife?

It wasn’t until Shawna started making her own plans–even if that meant they wouldn’t be together–that her husband started seeking her out more.

Her interesting, enjoyable life made her much more appealing.

4. Doing Activities He Likes Instead of Activities You Like

Leah’s husband was an avid golfer, so it seemed like a good idea to her to sign up for lessons so they could have more couple time. She envisioned them having lots of laughs and long talks on the links.

But before long it was clear that golf just wasn’t Leah’s thing. It felt like a chore, and her husband didn’t seem to appreciate the sacrifice she was making for the good of their relationship.

Their golf conversation was stilted at best. Sure, they were together, but Leah wasn’t feeling the connection she craved.

When Leah announced that golf just wasn’t for her and went back to her yoga classes, her husband seemed relieved. She was too.

When she went back to her favorite activity–which filled her up and made her feel good–her husband was more drawn to her at home.

Pursuing their hobbies individually made them both happy and gave them something interesting to talk about when they reunited.

5. Doing Things for Him so He’ll Have More Time for You

Finally, one of the most common mistakes women (like me) make when trying to get their husband’s time and attention is tending to his responsibilities so he won’t be so busy.

The theory is that if he has more free time, he could spend it with you.

But doing things for my husband that he could do for himself backfired.

Here’s why: If you make his invoices for work, pack his lunch and go to the dry cleaner for him to give him more downtime, you begin to resemble his mother.

Men are not romantically attracted to their mothers.

Also, expending all that energy on his chores could wear you out and even make you resentful, neither of which is attractive.

On top of that, a man has a hero gene that makes him feel most ardently in love with his wife when he can do something to improve her life–not when she does something to improve his.

Which brings us to what will get your husband’s time and attention: a respectful and ridiculously happy wife.

One of the things that originally attracted your husband was that you respected him. You thought he was smart and capable. That made you special and irresistible.

And happy wives draw their husbands to them like a magnet. The more he sees you smiling and laughing, the closer he wants to get.

Which of these mistakes have you made in the past? To join in the conversation, post your answer in the comments section below.

The post 5 Common Mistakes Women Make to Get Their Man’s Time and Affection appeared first on Laura Doyle.

My Marriage Is in Trouble

How I Jumped Off the Fence and Into Love
Teresa, Laura Doyle Relationship Coach

I had been married for 20+ years to my third husband when I first discovered the 6 Intimacy Skills™. My first two marriages had ended in divorce. I did not want my third marriage to fail too.

The year before finding Laura Doyle’s books, I had moved out of our home for twelve months, uncertain whether my husband and I would reconcile or divorce.

I felt emotionally exhausted, particularly by the arguments, blame, criticism, distance, hurt feelings and lack of emotional trust and respect between us. Our marriage felt like so much hard work for both of us.

Here’s how I quit all the hard work of my marriage--and fell in love with my husband.
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Despite all the hard work, it was clear to me we still loved each other. We decided to “try” again. Still, when I moved back into our home, I remained emotionally reserved, guarded and suspicious, uncertain that our reconciliation would work.

After attending a self-help workshop, I got clear on my desire to have an amazing love relationship with my spouse.

When I stumbled upon the 6 Intimacy Skills™, I believed I was being guided on a path to fulfill this desire.

I have no idea how a Facebook post about Laura’s work showed up, but it led me to her audio book now entitled The Empowered Wife. I listened three times back to back.

Then, I downloaded the book The Surrendered Wife and later signed up for formal coach training. I felt challenged, curious and somewhat suspicious.

Laura talked about getting off the fence and fully committing. This thought terrified me. I’d had one foot in and one foot out for a long time.

I took the leap, as an experiment, and committed to trying out the Skills and giving our marriage every chance to succeed. I had nothing to lose by trying. I was prepared to leave if the experiment failed.

But as I applied the Skills, things started changing.

Instead of complaining about what I did not like, I began expressing my pure desires. I was surprised and pleased by my husband’s supportive responses.

Instead of arguing with or “improving” on his ideas, I started saying “I hear you” then shutting my mouth. The atmosphere between us became more peaceful. He began sharing more.

Instead of being critical of how he spent his leisure time, I started doing nice things for myself, effectively eliminating any resentment. I began to respect that we each had our own ways of doing down time.

Instead of reacting defensively, withdrawing or attacking him when he said something that hurt my feelings or used a tone of voice that felt harsh to me, I started saying “ouch” then being silent. It stopped the cycle of blame and criticism.

Instead of trying to control his occasional irritable moods, I started giving him space and trusting him to figure things out. His mood was on “his paper,” as Laura says. He began to bounce back quicker.

Instead of trying to communicate on his behalf or communicating to him on someone else’s behalf, I started getting out of the middle. This relieved stress for me and reduced conflict between us.

Instead of giving my opinions when asked about things that were really his business, I started saying “whatever you think” or “I trust your judgment.” He acted confused at first and then made his own decisions. Sometimes he was happy with his decisions, sometimes not. Either way, I stopped acting like the authority on his life.

Instead of focusing on what I perceived to be his faults, I started being grateful for the many ways he contributed to my life personally and our lives as a couple. As a result, we both became happier.

Instead of saying unflattering things, I started giving him the benefit of the doubt and speaking to him in ways that at first did not feel true, like telling him “You are so sweet” and “Thanks for being my rock.” He began to grow into his best self. I now see them as true.

Instead of being stoic, tough, suspicious and independent, I began to reveal my softer and more vulnerable side. I let myself cry and allowed him to see this side of me. I was terrified to trust him. He responded at first with surprise and then stepped up to be my protector and advocate in ways that felt so emotionally satisfying and safe.

Now, our household is peaceful. We communicate in warm, respectful, considerate and supportive ways most of the time. I am falling in love again.

I no longer think about divorce. Instead, I think about how lucky I am to be married to an amazing, sweet, generous and supportive man whom I can trust and who has my back.

The post My Marriage Is in Trouble appeared first on Laura Doyle.

Selfish Husband

The Cure for the Chronically Self-Consumed Man

When your husband doesn’t clean up even his part of the mess but just leaves it for you to do or plays video games instead of putting the kids to bed or wants you to notice the yard work he did but never says a word about all the work you do, it can get irritating.

When he makes plans without checking with you, forgets to tell you about them, then disappears when he knew he was supposed to help out with moving the furniture, it can make you resentful.

If your guy sleeps through middle-of-the-night feedings, expects sex whenever he feels like it, and seems to want you to solve all of his problems like the world revolves around him, it’s not only exhausting, it’s lonely.

But there is a solution.

Here’s how to get your selfish man to be giving so you can get a break.
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1. Ask Yourself This Question

Rather than complaining when your husband appears selfish, consider turning the complaint into a desire and expressing that instead. One way to figure out what you want is to ask yourself, “What would I have that I don’t have now if he weren’t so selfish?”

Maya and her husband were separated when she learned from her twelve year old on the way home from school that her husband had planned an out-of-state trip during spring break. Her blood boiled as she realized that he had assumed she would be taking care of the kids that entire week alone and hadn’t even bothered to give her a heads-up. She angrily formulated a nasty rant in her head as she drove home.

But by the time she got home, she could hear her Intimacy Skills coach’s voice in her head, inviting her to think about what she wanted and to express her desires in a way that inspires.

So, instead of saying that he was being selfish and inconsiderate and that he needed to take responsibility for his kids instead of expecting her to always be the responsible parent, as she had planned, she sent a very different text: “I saw that you have the same Spring break as the kids, which is great because I would love a couple of days off from being a mom that week.”

He texted back, “I can’t take them because I’ll be out of town.”

Releasing her expectations, Maya summoned her inner Goddess of Fun and Light and replied, “Maybe we can just give them the key to the house and the liquor cabinet and tell them to do the right thing?”

Her husband sent back a laughing emoji and said, “I’ll see if I can set up an overnight at grandma’s.”

And he did.

Turns out her “selfish” husband was happy to accommodate what his wife wanted when she told him clearly what it was instead of complaining that he was selfish and inconsiderate.

2. Pretend He’s Not Selfish

You have lots of evidence that your husband is selfish.

But since nobody can be 100% selfish, that means he’s at least 1% not selfish. In other words, he is at least 1% unselfish or maybe 1% generous. And chances are he’s more than 1% unselfish or generous.

If you would love to have an unselfish, generous husband, that means you have the opportunity to create that experience. Because what you focus on increases.

Instead of focusing on how he never replaces the toilet paper roll when he uses the last piece, can you find evidence that he’s actually a giving person?

Maybe he supports the whole family with his paycheck. Maybe he spends time helping the kids with their homework. Maybe he helped the neighbor take down a tree that time.

Simply changing your mantra from “You are so selfish!” to “You are so generous!” or “You are so considerate and thoughtful!” then gathering evidence to support your statement is a powerful way to change your experience.

Like one woman who decided to wait until her husband did something–anything–that she could then say he was considerate about. Sure enough, she “caught him” making a new pot of coffee after he had just finished the last of it. She suspected that he was probably making it for himself, but since she also had a cuppa, she chose to see it as an act of thoughtfulness, and told him so. She was surprised when her husband looked at her as if she finally got him.

What proof can you come up with that your husband is what you want him to be?

3. Stop Doing Everything

If you’re feeling overburdened because you’re responsible for everything at your house, you’re not alone. I remember that awful feeling.

It feels like you have no choice when you look around and the only other adult in the house is playing Call of Duty and eating Oreos out of the package on a school night while you make the lunches for tomorrow.

But what if the reason he’s not helping out much is because you already did everything?

For me, it was a major paradigm shift to look at things that way. I had dubbed myself the queen of grown-up responsibilities, but I just made that up.

It’s embarrassing now that I thought if I didn’t monitor the trashcans, the oil changes, the insurance payments, and the retirement savings that we’d be buried in garbage with broken-down cars, no insurance and no money in our old age.

Now I don’t think about any of those things. My husband does all that. And the dishes. And the laundry.

So it was me–I was the one who took on too much responsibility, which made me feel overburdened and, in turn, critical of my husband for just coasting along.

I was the one who sold myself down the river. So all I had to do…was stop.

Once I did, my husband seemed a lot less self-centered and willing to pitch in more. Especially because I was in a better mood.

What could you stop doing to give your husband the opportunity to help out more? It can be scary to try, but the thrill of finding out I wasn’t alone after all was well worth it.

What evidence do you have that your husband is unselfish and even generous? Please post in the comments below.

The post Selfish Husband: The Cure for the Chronically Self-Consumed Man appeared first on Laura Doyle.

My Husband Abandoned Me Then Became the Man of My Dreams

Mari-Jean Anderson, Laura Doyle Certified Coach

I have always believed in marriage.

I just couldn’t make it work.

First married for two years at 18 and again at 35, this time for only a year, I could not figure out how to be in love for very long.

In 2003, at age 53, I found myself falling in love once again, this time with Clark, a confirmed bachelor who had dated a number of women I knew. Ever optimistic, we married in 2004.

It didn’t take long for things to fall apart.

Although we married in November, Clark didn’t move in with me until after January. I would spend night after night by myself in my house, a new bride alone in her bed.

I was ashamed to tell my friends that my husband preferred the short commute from his old home to his office rather than making the drive to be with me at night. I felt angry and neglected.

I was determined to write a better ending to the story.

Here’s how I made my marriage passionate even after my husband abandoned me.
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Hard work and ambition were never a problem. Balancing the demands of single parenting, a growing son and a growing career, I rose from insurance salesperson to stockbroker to senior VP at a major corporation until opening my own firm in the late ’90s.

I kept my sense of humor and perspective by indulging in my interests in the outdoors, real estate, friends and family.

My mother used to tease that she always knew I was in love because I’d stop exercising and gain weight. I thought being in love meant that I had to do everything I could to make my partner happy, even if that meant neglecting my own needs.

I was well down that path very early in my marriage to Clark.

His answer to our problems was to get a job working in a war zone in Afghanistan, where he stayed for 2 ½ years. Eventually he came home and we moved to a town 300 miles away for his new job.

Soon, all I felt was anger, betrayal, abandonment and uselessness. He shot down any ideas I had for things I thought would be fun, refused to go out to restaurants, ignored my sexual advances, and just spent night after night in his office with the door closed.

I was googling divorce attorneys and came across an interview with Laura Doyle.

Some of her ideas made sense to me. They were certainly different from all the advice everyone else offered, so I bought that little book: The Surrendered Wife. I read it cover to cover.

I loved the promise that I could be in a fully committed relationship without giving up the me part of me. But I never believed that this relationship would be possible with the husband I had because, obviously, we were different from all the other people she wrote about.

I simply knew that my husband was impossible and would never change.

Okay, so some of Laura’s ideas began to make a difference in my life and my level of happiness, but my plan was still to get myself together, leave this marriage, finally find myself a great guy and live happily ever after.

I enrolled in Relationship Coach Training just because I needed to do something. Little did I know the blind spots it would reveal in a few short months.

I could see that my offers of help were methods of control. I would “help” him pick out clothes for work. I would explain how to approach his boss. I even told him–I mean helped him understand–how to leave a phone message for his sister!

So I started biting my tongue.

I really believed that my husband would miss hearing my opinion about how to do things better or more efficiently. He didn’t. What he did do was start talking to me more, telling me the whole story instead of the tiny snippets that used to drive me crazy.

I thought that without my constant reminders about what he needed to do at work, he would fall behind. He didn’t. He was promoted.

I thought that if I spent too much time on self-care, he would resent it. He didn’t. He began cutting things out of the paper that he thought I would like to do.

I thought that if I showed I was frightened, he would lose respect for me. He didn’t. He stepped up and made adjustments, even making more money, so I wouldn’t be scared.

I’d always hated how dark the front of the house was at night. He loved how natural the darkness looked because we were in the country. I told him I was scared to come home at night and walk to the door in the dark. He installed lovely directed lighting that eased my fears and maintained the beauty of the country night.

I always thought that if I was happy with those awful presents he gave me, like complicated computer programs so far over my head that opening the box was a challenge, I would be consigned to getting awful presents for the rest of my life. Also not true. He became more confident and started hitting home runs.

He’s still a gadget-obsessed techno freak, but I don’t mind. I just received my first iPhone. And, when I was heading to the cold North recently, he bought me a beautiful warm (and, yes, high-tech fabric) coat. I LOVE it!

Surrendering became my way of life, and its positive effects spread to my relationships with family and friends. Life got better and sweeter; I was again falling in love with my life.

And the best surprise of all? I am living with the man of my dreams–who was standing right there in the kitchen all along.

As for me, I’m in a totally committed, passionate relationship, and I haven’t had to give up anything except my bad habits.

If using the 6 Intimacy Skills™ could make this this happen for me, I know it can happen for you too!

What are you “helping” your husband with that he can handle himself? I’d love to hear in the comments below.

The post My Husband Abandoned Me Then Became the Man of My Dreams appeared first on Laura Doyle.

My Husband Disappoints Me All the Time

5 Ways to Inspire Him to Be a Better Man

Being constantly disappointed in your marriage can wear you down and make you hopeless about the future.

Maybe your husband disappoints you when it comes to celebrations–he forgets your anniversary, gets you a present that has nothing to do with what you like, or acts like it’s just another Wednesday.

Or, let’s say he complains when you’re sick because you aren’t doing the things you normally do. The demoralizing message is that you’re not that important except for what you contribute, not to mention his lack of compassion when you just want to be taken care of!

Or he may be a disappointment in a bigger sense, like not showing up to be the dad your kids deserve.

Either way, you don’t have to just suck it up and continue to hurt endlessly.

Here are 5 ways you can inspire your man to treat you better.
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1. Catch Him Doing Something Good

Although your husband seems to be letting you down a lot, that’s not his intention. No husband wants to disappoint his wife–quite the opposite. He married you with the intention of making you happy, not crushing your hopes and dreams till death do you part.

That desire to delight you is still in him, even if you haven’t seen it for a while. One way to fan the flames of that desire is to wait for him to do something that you like–even if it’s something small–and pounce on him about it. In a good way.

You could say, “I noticed you made the bed this morning, and that made me so happy! I just love that you were so thoughtful and made the bedroom look so beautiful for me. Thank you, sweet husband!”

Sure, there are lots of things he’s doing that are letting you down, but he did this one thing right and by focusing on that, you let him know that he can succeed in making you happy. Once he feels like a success, he’s likely to look around for more ways to delight you.

2. Express Your Desire in a Way that Inspires

Every year, Belinda complained that her husband let her down on her birthday. He never got a present or planned anything special, which left her feeling unimportant.

“I just want him to do something special for me,” she told me. “I don’t know what, but you’d think he could figure it out.”

When I asked what would make her happy on her birthday, at first Belinda was confused. “The whole point is that I want him to surprise me,” she said. “If I have to figure it out myself then what’s the point?”

Still, she conceded that there was a new restaurant she wanted to try and that she always enjoyed going for a walk on the pier on a balmy night. She expressed her pure desires to her husband by saying, “I would love to try out that new Mexican place and go for a walk on the pier.”

Sure enough, her husband took the whole family out to the new Mexican place for her birthday. After dinner he announced, “Now we’re going for a walk on the pier.”

You might argue that it wasn’t very imaginative on his part to do exactly what she’d said she wanted, but it was the best birthday she could remember having in years. Which, of course, she told him now that she had multiple opportunities to catch him doing something good.

She was amazed that when she said how much she enjoyed the birthday activities he had planned for her, he grew a foot taller and beamed.

3. Let Him Know How Happy He Makes You

This leads to one of the most powerful ways to stop getting disappointed by your husband: telling him how happy what he’s doing is making you.

I’m not suggesting that you lie, but I am suggesting that it can be powerful to change your focus to what he does do instead of focusing on what he doesn’t do that you wish he would.

One woman told her husband how much she appreciated him working hard to support the family even though she didn’t think that would be a big deal to him. She was surprised that he got something in his eyes right then.

When you find the specific things that he does contribute to your life and get happy about them, they will multiply.

4. Talk to a Friend

But what do you do with those disappointed feelings that keep popping up?

Telling your husband how disappointed you are, again, is just going to make him defensive. It will never inspire him to stop disappointing you. Even though it seems that’s how it should work, it never does.

If you decide you want to preserve the intimacy in your marriage but you also need to process how disappointed you are that he doesn’t like to spend time with your family, you could talk to a neutral party, like a friend.

Like the time my husband walked on the new rug with his freshly polished black shoes and wrecked the rug.

Sigh. I just needed to talk to someone about it, but he already felt bad enough, so I didn’t want to talk to him about it.

My BFFs gave me the empathy I needed so I didn’t create a marital problem in addition to the problem with the new rug.

5. Fill Yourself Up

Sometimes my husband disappoints me because I’m already in an agitated state. I’m tired or hangry or sick, and the world doesn’t look right.

I recently had a cold and wanted him to take care of me by bringing me soup.

But he didn’t know that. In fact, when he asked if I was hungry I said I wasn’t, and then I was disappointed that he didn’t try to force nourishment on me.

Being sick will cause lapses in logic like that, in my experience.

John would like the record to show that he did go get me soup after I said I wanted it.

Most of the time I’m pretty good at figuring out what I want and expressing that or giving it to myself so I don’t get resentful toward him for not reading my mind.

The more happy and fulfilled I am, the less chance I have to feel disappointed about anything my husband does because I can more easily hold on to the perspective that the man just wants to make me happy.

Which of these five tips will you focus on this week? Will you share more gratitude? Express your desires? I’d love to hear in the comments below.

The post My Husband Disappoints Me All the Time appeared first on Laura Doyle.

My Marriage Is Miserable

How I Stopped the Fighting

Sonya, Laura Doyle Certified Coach
“Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife.” —Proverbs 21:9 (NIV)

I met my husband in college, and disrespect started early—even before we got married.

He said he’d always dreamed his bride would come down the aisle followed by a long white train. I found a gown with a short train. He didn’t see until our wedding day that I had completely disregarded his wishes.

Six months into marriage, I complained bitterly to my mom and sister that I couldn’t see any advantage to being married.

I worked and he was in school, which created an awkward dynamic. He was spending my money, going golfing with his friends, or settling into a book or playing computer games at home, and I was lonely a lot. My expectations for a happy, fun, never-alone relationship were not being met.

I was miserable and told him so.

But we couldn’t stop fighting, until I learned these hacks for a happy marriage.
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I read marriage books, and we went to marriage retreats. I wrote him letters with lists of what I thought he should be doing, telling him to try to be a better husband or get help. I complained to his family members, asking them to tell him the same thing.

I had lots of expectations and would frequently explain tearfully how much he was disappointing me. He would say I was impossible to please so why should he even try?

As we began talking about having kids, we went to a marriage counselor, hoping to resolve some long-standing fights. She was more like a referee—I said my side and he said his. There was an impasse so we quit going.

While I was pregnant, he was invited to a guys’ poker game and got hooked. He started spending hours playing online poker and reading about it. He quit coming to bed at the same time as me. I felt even lonelier and more trapped with a new baby and a mentally absent husband.

In commiserating with a friend, she told me about the book The Surrendered Wife, and I read it eagerly. I related to Laura’s experiences and tried to implement some of her recommendations. I committed to rereading it annually. Later, I subscribed to Laura’s emails, eventually going to the Cherished for Life Weekend and doing coach training.

Slowly, I began to implement the Six Intimacy Skills™ more consistently. Instead of complaining that we never took trips together, I began saying “I would love a getaway.” We had three last year alone!

Instead of my managing the money (as I did when we were first married) or second-guessing him when he did it, he now manages the finances and I try not to interfere. I do state my desires then trust him. He seems more confident and I feel much more relaxed.

Through self-care, I have allowed myself to enjoy life more. I have workaholic tendencies and get a lot of fulfillment through achievement. Now, I treat myself to tea dates with friends, pedicures, and regular hikes.

This has brought up my baseline happiness level so that I’m not relying on my husband to make me happy (or focusing on everything he’s not doing). It gives my mood a buffer against disappointments and frustrations.

But the Intimacy Skill that seems to have made the most impact has been gratitude.

Usually at bedtime, I reflect on the day and thank him for how he has helped. This has been magical in several ways: First, my mindset has shifted as I notice the positive. He seems much more relaxed and comfortable around me as he hears how much I like him and am thankful for him.

Not to mention he often comes to bed at the same time as me!

While things haven’t changed in some ways (he still plays poker and has different interests than mine), my attitude has changed. I choose intimacy over being right and in control all the time. I appreciate what I have and what he does.

When disappointments do come, through gratitude I bounce back more quickly and don’t find myself getting colds or headaches from them as much.

I was talking with a friend recently and mentioned that my husband was playing poker. She stopped me, shocked that for the first time she didn’t hear bitterness in my voice in telling her that.

Now, instead of being across the house or across the room from me, my husband will often come sit beside me in the evening. His quarrelsome wife is gone, the respectful one here to stay.

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My Husband Avoids Me

How I Attracted Him Back–and Became My Best Self

Amy Beth Kauffman, Laura Doyle Relationship Coach

I met my husband 27 years ago, the day I moved to a new apartment. We ran into each other by chance in the lobby as he was leaving a friend’s place. He then turned around to come back upstairs with his friend and me to hang out longer.

A month later, he drove over to my apartment to ask me out on a date, and we have been together ever since.

I married him for many reasons: He was smart, gentle, stable, reliable, generous, compassionate, hard-working, and he has amazing green eyes! I thought the world of him.

He was attentive to me, planned dates for us–everything from lunch to vacation–and we were fortunate to have the family of our dreams. It was a fairytale.

Until it wasn’t.

We decided that I would put my career on the back burner to be a stay-at-home mom. It made sense financially and emotionally. Motherhood was wonderfully exhausting, but I was lonely for my husband.

While I waited at home for his attention, he was becoming a superstar at work. He received promotion after promotion, which I was proud of and yet, I began to feel less important and less worthy than I was.

I unfairly expected him to fulfill all my needs for attention, affirmation and affection.

I had no idea I had the power to banish my loneliness and attract my man back, without being needy.
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I see it now. It plays back in slow motion in my head.

As he pulled away with great enjoyment for his job, I felt rejected. I am sure I encouraged his response with my begging, demands and criticism. I didn’t know what else to do.

I was hurt that he would manage to get home early to play basketball but not to spend time with me. I was longing for him to want to spend time with me for validation of my self-worth. But I couldn’t coerce him to spend time with me, say he loved me or introduce me to his coworkers.

Over the years of trudging through, our marriage slowly declined, even as we held hands and snuggled all the while. On the outside, we appeared the happy couple. We wore the masks well.

We did love each other, but there was an unspoken dissatisfaction between us. I had no idea how to fix it.

The needier I became, the more he escaped to watch TV or work. He continued to pull away from me and began to spend more time at the office. The attention he sought was not mine but what I used to be: young, sweet, happy and ego boosting.

I forced him to go to therapy with me. I thought the therapist would convince him to change since I wasn’t having any luck. It didn’t work.

He was not inspired to engage more with me. In fact, therapy had the opposite effect: He resented being dragged there and, consequently, had even less to say to me.

Eventually, I found Laura Doyle’s Six Intimacy Skills™ online. I watched an introductory course and related to every word she said. I signed up because, as Laura asks, “You’ve tried everything else you can think of. Are you willing to try one more thing?”

I was ashamed to learn I was controlling.

He’d told me I was bossy; I thought I was helpful.

He’d told me I was needy; I thought telling him what I want, how and when would make it easier for him.

Suddenly flooded by memories, I heard my voice: critical, demeaning, demanding, begging. I heard his voice: “Why don’t you appreciate what I do do,” “Nothing I do is ever right,” “I can never please you,” “I do things differently than you and that doesn’t make it wrong.”

My old words had repelled. My new words had to inspire.

I started with duct tape. I asked myself whether what I was considering saying would bring me closer to my goal of connection. The answer was usually no, so I stayed quiet. It was an enormous change from being the one who had done all the talking.

I started to listen when he spoke, respect his opinion by saying “I hear you” or “whatever you think” and by trying what he suggested if I’d picked his brain about how to do something.

I stopped managing everything.

I increased my self-care. I hadn’t realized the toll that neglecting myself took on my outlook!

I started to ask myself “How do I feel? What do I want?” I began believing in myself. The 6 Intimacy Skills™ taught me to give myself grace for not having known better all the years before.

Moving one step forward and half a step back, I slowly attracted his attention back.

It is amazing what is possible! I am so happy I had the courage to try one more thing. The connection between us now surprises and delights me as it continues to grow.

My husband asks me to watch TV with him every night, thanks me for making dinner, tells me I look beautiful, and smiles at me. He calls me each work day thinking about me, and he tells me about his day. One of my favorite things is how often he tells me he loves me.

I feel loved and desired once again. I am peaceful, secure and ridiculously happy.

I am full of gratitude for Laura Doyle and the Intimacy Skills. They’ve given me the chance to become the best version of myself and revitalize my wonderful marriage.

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