Marriage Anxiety

How to Stop Worrying and Know that Everything Is Alright

When you’re not getting what you need in your relationship, you worry.

Are things ever going to get better? Or is this relationship a huge mistake?

Is your partner ever going to change, or is this problem, this pain you’re feeling now, going to be with you for the rest of your life?

You just want to know what’s going to happen so you can make the right decisions. But since you can’t control what he does, it’s hard to know what the future holds.

The whole thing can make you apprehensive.

I remember feeling that way almost every day for years.

My marriage still isn’t perfect, but I don’t feel anxious about it anymore.

Here’s what I did to feel calm and relaxed about my relationship.
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1. I Learned to Stay in the Moment

You may think this is easier said than done, but I’m going to share with you exactly how I did it.

I confess that, in my anxiety, I wasn’t a pleasant person. Whenever I felt anxious, I would shriek at my husband and demand to know how he could let this happen and when he was ever going to take action.

Then, no matter what he said in response, I just rolled my eyes in disgust.

Not very dignified, I know.

But asking myself one powerful question has helped me avoid falling into a giant pit of Needless Emotional Turmoil more times than I can count.

When I feel so apprehensive I’m shaking, the question I ask myself is: “Am I okay right now?”

At first the answer was “Yes, but…,” followed by a list of all the terrible things that could happen in the future (especially if I continued to focus on them!).

But if I just stick to the facts for the moment, so far, the answer to that question has been “yes.” Every. Single. Time.

For example, one of the things that used to make me incredibly fretful was when my husband and I were down to our last $19.83 in the bank.

Then a $20 debit would come through, which meant we were overdrawn. Now we had an overdraft fee too. Argh!

Don’t you hate when that happens?

Me too.

I felt a panic rising inside me as I anticipated running out of food or gas or eye cream and having no way to buy more. Ever!

But when I started asking myself “Am I okay right now?” my honest answer was always “yes.”

I wasn’t hungry or stranded on the way to work or in danger of getting premature wrinkles. I wasn’t suffering in any way except in anticipation of the future, which I imagined would be very, very bad.

But I was usually wrong about that.

The more evidence I gathered about how the things I was so worried about didn’t actually happen, the easier it got for me to stay in the moment where I was still breathing and everything was alright.

Eventually I had a long string of moments where I was totally alright.

I found that I could apply this question to anything I was anxious about–from wondering if my marriage would always feel lonely and lack affection to worrying about my parents’ health to stressing about a talk I was preparing.

I learned I could choose calm instead of being a victim of anxiety in my marriage–and every other situation too.

2. Drop and Do 10

Once I stopped panicking by focusing on my current circumstances, I sometimes found myself getting worked up all over again.

I would think, “Everything’s not okay! We’re overdrawn! It’s his fault for spending too much.”

And just like that, I was anxious again and asking myself endless questions about whether he would ever change or if I’d be better off without him.

I’m embarrassed to say I used to think that way, which seems strange because I don’t feel that way about him at all anymore.

Now it’s clear that he’s made my life richer in every way over the last 28 years.

This habit I’m about to tell you has a lot to do with why I feel that way.

Here it is: In addition to recognizing that I was totally fine in this moment, when I feel anxious I also drop and do ten–gratitudes, that is.

I’d focus those gratitudes on the very things I was most worried about in that moment, which, when we were overdrawn, was that I’d have to go without, forever.

Who wouldn’t be anxious with that line of thinking, right?

But then I started finding evidence of the opposite.

Okay, so maybe there was no money in the bank account. But I could find ten things that I did have and was grateful for.

I’d start with the basics: I had food in the fridge, gas in my car, clothes to wear, a house to live in and $46 in my purse.

I also had a car and a garage for that car, a gym membership, fancy eye cream and pretty new pajamas.

By the time I got to ten, I was starting to feel pretty well-off.

And plenty calm.

Chances are pretty good that you’ll be able to stop feeling anxious and take nice deep breaths when you ask yourself if you’re okay in the moment and then drop and do ten gratitudes too.

The post Marriage Anxiety appeared first on Laura Doyle.

Should I Get a Divorce?

3 Questions to Ask Yourself Before You Decide

Ending your marriage is a huge decision, and since you’re reading this article, clearly you’re not taking it lightly. It’s probably weighed heavily on you for a long time, which is so tiring.

Nobody considers divorce unless they’re really hurting and hopeless that things will get better.

You’d like answers. What’s the best path? Which choice will make you happier in the long run?

No expert can tell you what’s right for you. Only you know if it’s best for you to end your marriage.

But that doesn’t mean you need to make such a big decision all alone.

Here are 3 questions to ask yourself before you divorce.
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They’ll help you get clarity–and maybe even find the wisdom you need at such a tough time in your life.

1. Ask Yourself: Am I Happy?

“Am I happy?” may seem like an easy question to answer–of course you’re not! You wouldn’t be contemplating breaking up your family if you were.

You have lots of reasons to feel unhappy, which is why it seems so contrary even to ask this.

The reason I ask is because I was once very unhappy in my marriage too, and I felt that it was because my husband wasn’t doing a good job making me happy.

But it turns out I just wasn’t good at being happy myself.

In fact, when I first tried to make myself happy every day, I had no idea where to start.

I was resigned to having too many obligations–too much work, too many bills, too much housework, too much responsibility. I thought that’s how life was and I just had to suck it up and slog through.

Thankfully, I was completely wrong.

When I started prioritizing my own delight over working more, I felt so much lighter and more joyful.

If I had divorced in search of that feeling, I would have had a rude awakening that I still wasn’t very happy.

This question is worth seriously asking yourself because it turns out only happy people have happy relationships.

How could you make yourself happy despite the circumstances in your marriage? If you do divorce, of course you’ll be the one making yourself happy then. Why not start now and see how it looks?

Of course, it may not solve all your relationship problems. I get that. It didn’t solve all of mine either. But getting happy was the indispensable first step to having the playful, passionate marriage I have now.

2. Are You Angry?

Here’s another deceptively easy question: Are you angry?

Of course you’re angry!

I know because I was furious myself when I was on the verge of ending my marriage.

Although I didn’t go through with it, part of me wanted to file for divorce not just to escape the pain of interacting with my husband but also to make him hurt too.

I’m not proud to admit that I wanted to show him how it felt to be rejected and abandoned.

Because the truth is that under all that anger, I was hurt. Very hurt.

My anger was a cover for my hurt. I felt safer being livid than I did admitting I was devastated that he wanted nothing to do with me and only wanted to watch TV.

It was much scarier to admit I was hurt than to defend myself with a snappy insult. But when I finally did respond like a mere mortal woman instead of a human steamroller, I was amazed at how much better my husband responded to me.

Instead of swiping back and forth at each other, I saw him respond with protection and offer comfort when I revealed my vulnerability by saying “ouch!” when I felt hurt.

These days I know that when I’m mad, it means I’m hurt. And hurt is a much more connecting feeling than snippy retorts.

I also know it has never been my husband’s intention to hurt me, with the key word being “intention.” We live so close together that sometimes we hurt each other accidentally. My first response is still to get mad at times, but then I can ask myself if maybe I’m hurt underneath.

So far the answer has always been “yes.”

Keeping in mind that he didn’t mean to do it, just like he didn’t mean to step on my foot last week, helps me recover from the hurt without having to air a grievance to him, which can create defensiveness.

3. Have I Cleaned Up My Side of the Street?

Of course you’re noticing that your man has shortcomings and how painful they are to live with. That was my experience also. I couldn’t take his detachment and inattentiveness for one more day!

But as with every story, there are two sides.

When my marriage was at its lowest point, I wasn’t very dignified.

I told my husband he was so negative, which is a rather negative thing to say.

I blamed him for being so critical, which is a critical thing to say.

I wanted him to be more spiritual, which wasn’t very spiritual of me.

I said a lot of mean, ugly things. I rolled my eyes in disgust, criticized him and complained incessantly. These are not qualities I aspire to, and I didn’t feel good hearing myself say those things.

In other words, my side of the street needed plenty of cleaning.

But I didn’t know any other way to be! I didn’t see where I had another option except to find fault.

Something told me, though, that I’d be taking myself with me wherever I want–even into a new relationship after I got divorced–and that some of those less appealing qualities might go along with me unless I improved the only person I could: me.

I’m unspeakably grateful that I learned the 6 Intimacy Skills™, which taught me how to do that. They’ve been the best self-improvement program I have ever undertaken.

And without my broken marriage to practice them in, I’m not sure I would ever have gotten the miracle of feeling so confident, calm and dignified–not to mention loved every single day just for being me.

It’s something I wish every woman could experience. And I know of no better way to get there than by starting out wondering if you should get a divorce.

The post Should I Get a Divorce? appeared first on Laura Doyle.

My Husband Is Passive-Aggressive

What Makes Him So Hostile and How You Can Cause a Miracle

If your man says things that are subtly insulting and hurtful but then acts like you’re the one who is overreacting, it can be crazy making.

At times you wonder how you can ever win when he mopes around and won’t say what’s wrong. If all you’re getting is the silent treatment, how do you respond to that? It’s frustrating and lonely to live that way.

And what about when he agrees to do things that you’ve asked him to do but doesn’t do them? How do you bring up that the light in the basement is still broken–even though he’s been promising to fix it for three weeks–without causing a fight?

I used to wonder myself and feel hopeless that there was anything I could do about my husband’s poor behavior. But now I have a go-to that changes everything.

This is what works wonders with a passive-aggressive husband:
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1. Identify Your Spouse-Fulfilling Prophecy

Early in my marriage, I had no idea why my husband was using all his might not to do the things he knew I thought he should do, but I was very curious!

He’d say he was going to do the dishes but never actually moved a muscle to do them. Instead he watched hours of TV.

When I asked about the dishes as politely as I could, he’d growl, “I just can’t win with you!”

I was thinking, “Um, sure you could if you would just do what you said you were going to do instead of yelling at me!”

I came across the term “passive-aggressive” somewhere, and it totally fit my experience of him. I felt validation about identifying my husband as someone who was passive-aggressive–like that explained a lot.

I even said things like, “Aren’t we being passive-aggressive today.”

Not very charming, I know. But somehow I thought that if I pointed out what he was doing, it would make him aware and he’d be so motivated to change that he would be more considerate and tender as a result.

That never worked, unfortunately. Not once!

Even as I write that explanation, it seems like flimsy reasoning on my part. Who improves because their wife criticizes them like that? And when I was saying that, how was I any less passive-aggressive than I was accusing him of being?

Still, I didn’t know what else to do with my prized diagnosis, so I just kept on saying it to him, like a Spouse-Fulfilling Prophecy (SFP): “You’re so passive-aggressive!” And guess what I continued to experience?

That’s right–I noticed he was even more passive-aggressive than ever. He and the TV were constant companions, and the icy silence left a chill in the air.

Of course, that’s what I was focused on, and what you focus on increases. I kept telling him how passive-aggressive he was, so that’s how he kept showing up for me.

It’s amazing how powerful I am that way.

Here’s how I got myself out of that mess, thankfully.

2. Make a New SFP

Once I realized how much influence I had on how my husband showed up, I started choosing my words more carefully.

Instead of affirming that he was passive-aggressive, I began saying things that matched the experience I wanted to have, like, “You are always doing things to make me happy.”

Where did I find the chutzpah to say something like that when I felt he didn’t care about my happiness? After all, no amount of begging and pleading was motivating him to do housework or even have a civil conversation with me!

It was just an experiment at first. What could it hurt to change up my approach? I said it to myself and I said it to him.

Not only was he less defensive when I stopped insulting him by calling him “passive-aggressive,” he acted like I finally got him. He looked relieved, and he nodded in agreement with my new Spouse-Fulfilling Prophecy.

And while I may have been shaking the first few times I said it because it felt like such a stretch and I thought he might see that I was lying, my new SFP had an unexpected consequence: It changed the way I saw my husband.

I started to see everything he was doing to make me happy: taking out the trash, putting the cans on the curb every week, deferring to the movie or show I wanted to see, going to get the car in the rain while I stayed dry.

Now I had evidence that what I was saying was actually true. Instead of feeling uncomfortable, I was feeling elated that I had more power than I realized to have the experience of my husband that I wanted to have.

All I had to do was use the right SFP!

3. Say It to Yourself and to Him

You can make your own SFP by taking your complaint about your partner and turning it upside down. What is it you would have if he weren’t passive-aggressive? Or you can fill in the blank with your own pain point if your husband isn’t passive-aggressive. What is the hidden desire in your complaint?

That he’s so gentle and tender? That he’s so lighthearted? So patient and understanding?

Sometimes women struggle to come up with an SFP because it seems so far from “The Truth.”

The thing about “The Truth” is that it’s subjective based on who’s observing it. In physics, simply observing a situation changes that situation, and every researcher has a bias.

If you start with the bias that your husband is an insensitive jerk, you’ll likely experience that. If you start with the bias that he’s a sweet, loving guy, you’ll likely experience that.

You might be thinking that I don’t get it at all because my husband wasn’t really passive-aggressive like yours is.

Could be. I don’t know your husband. Only you know if changing your SFP fits for you.

But what if using a positive Spouse-Fulfilling Prophecy caused a miracle in your house like it did in mine?

You’ll never know until you try it.

What will your new SFP be? Post yours in the comments below.

The post My Husband Is Passive-Aggressive appeared first on Laura Doyle.

How to Fix My Broken Marriage

3 Missing Ingredients to Make it Better, Faster

How do you fix your marriage when it’s been so hard for so long that you just don’t feel like trying anymore?

If you were one of the blog readers who asked that question last week, you reminded me of how exhausting that is. It’s awful.

When you’re already drained, the idea that there’s one more thing you need to do to fix the relationship makes you want to go back to bed! Especially when you know that most of the problems are with your partner’s attitude and actions (or lack thereof).

You’ve been working hard to heal your relationship and being honest about what you need from him, but he never changes and it’s very lonely.

That’s how I felt over 20 years ago, but I haven’t felt that way in a long time.

Here’s how I fixed my broken marriage without wearing myself out.
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1. Getting the Right Information

I spent a lot of time implementing well-meaning but ineffective advice to work on my marriage.

Some of what I read from so-called “experts” seemed so much like common sense that I never even questioned it, but it still never worked for me.

When I followed suggestions like “Let your husband know when you have an expectation that’s not being met,” I ended up with wall-to-wall hostility. Same with, “Tell your husband that you need more affection.” Ugh! I got some forced, awkward hugs, but that was about it.

Now that I’ve had both a terrible marriage and a dreamy one with the same man, I can spot the counterfeit “wisdom” right away. It makes me break out in hives.

Before anything could improve in my marriage, I needed the right information, just like I’d need the right directions to get to your house. My common sense just wouldn’t be enough if I didn’t have your address and a reliable GPS.

If nothing’s been working for you, which is how I felt in the bad old days, what could it hurt to experiment with some new approaches?

Here’s a good (and free) place to start: An Introductory Course on the Intimacy Skills.

2. Making the Changes You Can Make

You might be wondering why this blog is only for women when there are plenty of ways your man needs to improve.

I mean, it doesn’t seem fair that all these suggestions fall on your shoulders when your shoulders are already bowed under the weight your relationship problems.

Wouldn‘t it be nice if your husband read a blog and implemented the suggestions?

I thought so too.

I used to make lists of what my husband should do differently. I put them on the refrigerator. Or I’d sit him down on the couch and read my list to him.

That never worked either. At all.

What I learned the hard, slow way is that I can’t make my husband read a book or a blog or an email, even. I can’t make him do what it says.

Therefore, I was very reluctantly forced to look only at how I could behave differently. I was shocked that, when I changed how I approached him, he responded to me so much better.

Drat! I thought it was all him.

Being accountable for myself by making some simple changes–changes that made me feel better about myself anyway–turned out to be magical for my marriage.

I started small, just trying out experiments that I knew I could throw out the window if I wanted to.

But when I got the very responses I had always wanted, I knew I was on the right track.

Was that because my husband had improved? He certainly started taking more initiative, being more affectionate and conversational, and constantly looking for ways he could make my life better.

He just buzzed by to see if I needed a cup of tea or a blanket. That wasn’t happening before my experiments.

It all started with me doing what was within my control: changing myself. This next step had everything to do with how I was able to do that.

3. Joining a Gang

If you’re already practicing the 6 Intimacy SkillsTM but struggle to stay motivated or don’t see improvement, then this is the key to breaking the whole case open.

Consider joining a gang, a group, a circle, a club or a coffee klatch of women who have what you want in their marriages or are invested in getting there.

That was one of the first things I did early in my journey from the brink of divorce to the playful, passionate marriage I have now.

My marriage still suffers when I don’t connect with likeminded women about practicing the 6 Intimacy Skills. My gang of coaches remains indispensable for making my marriage shiny and joyful.

As much as anybody else, I need the encouragement and connection I feel with women who are mere mortals like me. I enjoy a sense of belonging when I hear them share authentically about their challenges. I grow from hearing them celebrate their insights and tender moments. I benefit from the repetition of the principles that I want to live by.

The most powerful such group I know of are the Laura Doyle certified coaches, who started out in Relationship Coach Training.

Each small class is full of women committed to restoring the intimacy in their marriages, and they lift each other up with courage and vulnerability like I’ve never seen anywhere else.

Often women enroll in Relationship Coach Training to save their own marriages or make them more playful and passionate–and it works.

Which makes sense because we tend to be like the people we surround ourselves with. We all need someone to have our back, to provide empathy and acknowledge us for what we’re doing well.

If practicing the 6 Intimacy Skills feels hard, discouraging or pointless, my wish for you is to have more support.

After all, happy marriages matter!

You’re not the only one who’s struggling or has struggled, and if those of us who put a high priority on our relationships stick together we can encourage and empower each other.

It’s the only way I know that fixed my broken marriage.

What’s one small change you can make today toward fixing your marriage? I’d love to hear in the comments section below.

The post How to Fix My Broken Marriage appeared first on Laura Doyle.

New Year, New You

6 Reasons 2018 Will Be Your Best Relationship Year Yet

New Year’s Day is like a brand new notebook waiting to be filled with accounts of your organized, nutritious, fit, accomplished, prosperous life with your loving mate.

Of course, you can make your life better any time of the year, but there’s something inspiring about January, as though she is holding up the vision you have for yourself in a way that other months don’t.

That’s not the only reason that now is the time to take action that will have you looking back at the year with a sense of gratification and accomplishment–especially if your dream is to feel madly, deeply loved and adored every day for life.

You may be thinking that I don’t know the challenges you’re facing or how much you’re struggling right now. Things may be rough for you in the love department.

But here’s what I do know: Now, more than ever, forces are collaborating for your greatest happiness in the area of love.

I can explain.

Here’s why 2018 will be your best relationship year yet.
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1. That’s Your Intention

“When you have clarity of intention, the Universe conspires with you to make it happen.”
– Fabienne Fredrickson

Maybe your pain is what’s spurring you on most of all. Pain was a big motivator for me too in wanting to save my relationship. I started with a long list of complaints and, after years of suffering, finally flipped them to form a clear desire: I wanted intimacy, passion and peace in my marriage.

Once you know what you want, you’re bringing your focus, your energy and, perhaps most importantly, your imagination to creating your vision.

Maybe your dream is to feel seen, known and desired. Or maybe it’s to feel like you have a partner who matches and cherishes you and you alone. Maybe you want more support with housework and bills.

Setting your intention doesn’t mean you won’t get discouraged or question how that will ever happen. It means you have a destination to put into your life GPS and that you’re ready to get behind the wheel.

What is your intention?

2. You Know More

“The expert in anything was once a beginner.”
– Helen Hayes

You’re a seeker, and you value lifelong learning. Otherwise, you wouldn’t be reading this post.

You know more than you ever have before–including what hasn’t worked in your relationship.

That’s where I was too when I stumbled on what does work to make relationships vibrant and amazing again for thousands of women all over the world, including me.

I wasn’t ready to hear the 6 Intimacy SkillsTM before my experience made me ready, just like it’s made you ready.

When I was ready, the wisdom of the Intimacy Skills resonated with me as if God were whispering them in my ear. They were both shocking and electrifying.

Ultimately, I was unspeakably grateful to learn what I know now about what makes relationships amazing and vibrant.

3. You’re Braver

“Don’t worry about failures. Worry about the chances you miss when you don’t even try.”
-Jack Canfield

Time makes you bolder. It says so right in the song “Landslide.”

With the passing of another year, you’re likely more willing to try on changes, to take what may feel like big risks in your relationship to create the connection you crave. I admire that because it requires courage.

That was key for me too. I was willing to experiment in my relationship even though it was frightening and contrary to everything I knew because, I told myself, I could always go back to the old way if I hated it.

4. You’re More Accountable

“When you blame others, you give up your power to change.”
-Dr. Robert Anthony

If I had to summarize what my critics hate most about me, it’s that they believe I perpetuate women being victimized.

But in order to be a victim, you have to blame someone else. And the minute I do that, I lose my power.

My power is in looking at how I contributed to the mess, melee or muck and owning it. That’s where the magic starts in my life, always.

You, too, are accountable, or you would find some other blog to read. (Either that, or you’re about to send me some hate mail.)

When you’re accountable, you can make the entire world–including your relationship–better.

As a bonus, accountability is attractive. I notice I’m drawn to those who admit their horrible mistakes and apologize.

5. You Have Support

“Sometimes asking for help is the bravest move you can make. You don’t have to go it alone.”
-C. Connors

While you are always the expert on your own life, the messages you hear repeatedly have an influence. If those messages are “You can do better” or “You should leave him” or “I know a good divorce lawyer,” that will likely impact the path you choose.

If the messages you hear repeatedly are “I believe in you and your power to restore the connection in your marriage” or “That happened to me too, but now my marriage is amazing and here’s what I did…” or “I acknowledge you for your commitment and determination to save your marriage. You’re doing great!” those will influence your path.

Since you’re here, that means you’ve found the worldwide community of women who support each other in having playful, passionate relationships.

You’re not alone with your challenges or your intention. We’re right here with you, and we will support and cheer you on to happily-ever-after. That’s what we do around here.

There are a variety of ways to get support on this campus, from self-study programs all the way to joining the coaching body as a certified relationship coach.

Your heart knows how much support is best for your unique situation.

6. You’re Inspired

“Know what sparks the light in you. Then use that light to illuminate the world.”
-Oprah Winfrey

If you’re anything like the women I have the honor of meeting who have dedicated themselves to practicing the 6 Intimacy Skills, who demonstrate amazing vulnerability and teach me what it means to be committed to their marriages and their families, my hat’s off to you.

I see women who dig deep for the accountability to apologize for being disrespectful even after a horrendously hurtful fight.

I talk to women who take the high road of giving their husband grace even when they see him making painful parenting mistakes.

I witness them courageously reject the urge to complain, instead choosing gratitude and Spouse-Fulfilling Prophecies when they could have seen only shortcomings.

The improvements in their marriages are nothing short of miraculous. The distant, inattentive husband starts seeking out her company and showing spontaneous affection. The divorce is put off, then called off. He moves back home, ends the affair and admits he loves her for the first time in years.

What’s not to admire? These women are quietly setting the world on fire, putting it right, one family at a time.

And if that inspires you, then I predict that 2018 will be an amazing year for your relationship.

I’d love to hear your intention in the comments section below. What is your vision for your relationship for 2018?

The post New Year, New You appeared first on Laura Doyle.

The Common Dating Blunder that (Formerly) Kept Me Single

By Katherine Wong-Velasco, Laura Doyle Certified Coach

I started dating when I was twelve years old. I thought I was the expert on men! I had twelve relationships before meeting my husband. However, they all had a way of not working out.

I made a wish that I would settle down with a good guy before I turned thirty. But my thirtieth birthday came and went, and nothing happened.

Here’s how I turned the tide and found my hero.
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I usually hit it off with a guy quickly then broke up with him just as quickly. We had sex before becoming exclusive. And I always had what I called the “fear attack”: fears of being abandoned, being alone and being unable to love again.

These fears made me a controlling person. Not long after dating a new guy, I started organizing his life by cleaning his house, folding his laundry and stocking up healthy food in his fridge.

Controlling made me so exhausted. Even though I was the one volunteering to do all this, I felt taken advantage of. Very soon the resentment kicked in and overwhelmed me. I brought negative energy into the relationship and made it fall apart. After each breakup, I’d meet a new guy, and the cycle would begin again.

I did not know about the Six Intimacy Skills™ or what it meant to be feminine. I thought the worst thing was that I was a nice person and wanted to honor love and integrity. But the fears stopped me from being my authentic self, and I would do something to destroy every relationship.

The struggle was real.
The fear was real.
The pain was real.
And my fear of being alone forever was very real.
I was no different from any woman. I craved love, a sense of belonging and knowing that I am, in Laura’s words, “desired, cherished and adored.”

Like many women, I got my dating advice from girlfriends and gossip magazines. But what I heard and read were not so practical. When I started losing hope about my ambition to get married, I even went to see fortune tellers in the hopes of finally getting some good dating advice. I was really desperate!

I wanted to try a different approach. After breaking up with a man who had cheated on me for five straight years, I felt very sad. I went to a bookstore after work and headed straight to the self-help section.

The Surrendered Single got my attention! Since I valued efficiency, I skipped straight to the chapter that seemed most practical for my situation: “Accept Dates with Men You Normally Wouldn’t Go Out With.” I could see it was compelling advice, but that idea was a tall order for me!

I had always thought that I had to look for a man with a background similar to mine. He had to be well educated and ambitious. He had to be equally or more successful than me. He had to fit this certain mold, a mold shaped by my fears and my social and cultural upbringing. This mold was another way I was controlling.
I tried to control not only the types of men I’d go out with but what the dating outcomes should be. I expected to be liked by every man who invited me out. I tried hard to please them and show them what I thought a typical woman would be. I couldn’t be my authentic self and worked really hard to become someone I was not so I wouldn’t be single anymore.

It took me a long time to allow myself to accept dates that I never would have accepted before. But going out with men outside my mold wasn’t that bad! I always survived. It was actually fun to meet different types of men and learn about their stories. It was also easy to focus on having a good time with these guys without controlling whether we could get married in the future. One of the biggest benefits was that I didn’t need to clean anyone’s kitchen anymore.

After trying some different strategies like online dating and matchmakers, I attracted the most wonderful man (one I wouldn’t have dated before). He became my husband, and I can finally tell a different love story.

I now practice the Six Intimacy Skills every day. Some Skills are relatively easy for me; some require daily practice. I still make mistakes here and there. I am a mere mortal and sometimes go back to the old controlling pattern.

For example, I unconsciously tried to protect my husband from getting sick by insisting on making vegan food for him, even though he didn’t like it! I also bought him different supplements and put them on his side of the bathroom. Of course he hadn’t asked for the supplements. Later, he explained that I worried about him too much. He couldn’t breathe. He felt his lifestyle was controlled by me.

I took the children with me so he could have some private time. But I became resentful because then I had no private time for myself. Sure enough, I was being controlling because I was afraid again. What if my husband gets over stressed? What will he do to reduce his stress? What if he thinks that I am not the right person to talk to and goes looking for other women?

Interestingly, none of the fears were realistic. At least I haven’t seen them materialize.

What I have seen are amazing results from practicing the Intimacy Skills! Not long after we got married I became pregnant, and shortly after our first child was born, our second was on the way. I was afraid that we would lose our dating lifestyle. But my husband definitely remained a fun lover and caring husband! When I express my desire to have a night out, he takes care of everything, from the booking to arranging babysitting.

He always tells me what he dreams we’ll do together, regardless of how old we are. We’ve already travelled to exotic places and moved around the world for diverse life experiences. While relocation can be scary and unsettling, I practice receiving with every chance that I have, and he is my hero, best friend and mentor.
If I had never surrendered, I would still be complaining about why I was single. The irony is that my husband is like most other men, who are truly sincere and serious about romantic relationships. And, like other women, I own these feminine gifts to make me my best self.

Do I still face challenges in my marriage? Yes, for sure. But what am I afraid of? My fears of having an unhappy, unhealthy and uncontrollable husband used to look so real to me. Were they realistic? Probably not. Are staying afraid and trying to control him again worth breaking our intimacy and peace? Definitely not. My fears don’t stand a chance now that I have these Skills!

I hope my story, including the silly things I did and the mistakes I made, empower you to have an intimate and peaceful relationship. It is possible for you too.

The post The Common Dating Blunder that (Formerly) Kept Me Single appeared first on Laura Doyle.

How to Make Marriage Fun

3 Ways to Restore Playfulness to Your Relationship

Remember when you first fell in love and you laughed together all the time?

You two were so silly back then!

It was so much fun to be together that you decided to become permanent partners in crime. Your relationship felt so light it filled you with hope and optimism.

So how did it get to be this heavy?

It could have been the pressures of the mad rush to get to work, pick up the kids, get the mortgage paid and the laundry folded. You aren’t alone!

Feeling overwhelmed is decidedly unfun. So is wondering if you picked the right partner to begin with. Either one can make your marriage tedious.

Fortunately, it doesn’t have to be drudgery.

Here are 3 ways to make your marriage fun starting today
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1. Start a Smile Campaign

The tension was high at Liz’s house after a blowup.

When her husband came through the door the next night, she watched his face to see if the storm had passed yet, but she could tell that things were going to be tense again that evening.

When I asked her what she thought her husband saw on her face as he came through the door, she said, “I was afraid. He probably saw that.” Then she paused and added, “I might have looked stern. Maybe he thought I was still upset.”

She decided to smile at him the next night as he came through the door, regardless of how he was acting. “I want to feel happy when he comes home, no matter what look he has on his face. I feel better when I’m smiling, even though it’s scary because I’m not sure how he’ll react,” she told me.

She needn’t have worried because greeting her man with a smile the next day set the mood for the rest of the evening.

“All of a sudden we were friends again,” she explained. “He even read me some funny stuff he’d found online, and we were cracking up! It was so much better than brooding and ignoring each other. That smile broke the ice.”

Maybe, like Liz, you feel hurt or scared to bring the fun. Nobody wants to be shut down and told they’re ridiculous for being playful.

That’s why it can feel vulnerable to do the Macarena in the kitchen or to use your husband as a towel when you get out of the shower or to put your hoodie on backward and pretend you’re a giant burrito lumbering down the hall.

But that vulnerability is so attractive–especially smiling, laughing, dancing vulnerability.

A simple smile is a great start. Nobody needs an excuse to smile.
If anybody questions you, you can always say you’re just happy.

What will happen at your house if you decide to smile more?

2. Restore Emotional Safety

Smiling, laughing and joking around are signs of confidence.

That’s what humans do when we feel secure, when there’s no danger of being judged, shamed, attacked or abandoned.

When we’re scared, we play it straight. So if it’s been a while since you cracked up together, it could be that neither of you is feeling safe.

Fortunately, you can change that single-handedly by using a few simple cheat phrases that help restore the emotional safety in a hurry.

Consider apologizing for being disrespectful (only if you have been disrespectful, of course) or saying “Whatever you think” to show trust by referring him back to his own thinking about something that’s his to decide.

I was amazed how far treating my husband with respect and trust went toward restoring the good ol’ days in my marriage.

Once John felt that I esteemed him, he was back to the important job of making me laugh really hard.

When your man wooed you, I bet he tried to make you laugh too. Every time he did, he counted himself very successful. And you had fun and felt adored. You both felt confident.

You can bring all of that back when you restore respect and trust.

3. Prioritize Play

What I’m about to tell you is the kind of thing that makes people think John is the funny one in our marriage, even though I keep telling everybody how funny I am.

Every afternoon when the mail slot in our garage clanks shut, John pokes his head in my office and announces, “Nothing came in the mail.”

That’s my signal: The race is on.

I jump up and sprint down the hall to grab the mail before him. He always gets ahead of me, only to run right into the closed door with a thump then crumple to the floor like a cartoon character.

Next, I swoop in and triumphantly pick up the grocery store flyers and credit card offers, giggling all the while.

Every day.

This kind of thing has been going on for years now, but it wasn’t always so.

I used to be way too busy to interrupt the very important work I was doing–especially for something so childish.

I thought I had to be serious because I was the only responsible adult in the family. Turns out I was just the most uptight person in the family.

Fortunately, I have recovered from my years’ long bad mood.

I’m happy to say that I’m finally back to being the Goddess of Fun and Light, and we’re back to having a ridiculously good time.

These days I tend to prioritize laughing and playing over finishing the email I’m working on, which will still be there after John splats into the door and I retrieve the postcard about the mattress sale.

After all, there was nothing more important to me than doing silly things with my man when we were dating and falling in love. And those were good times.

If I can bring back the fun after the bore my marriage had become, you can too.

What will you do to bring more fun into your marriage? I’d love to hear in the comments below.

The post How to Make Marriage Fun appeared first on Laura Doyle.

How I Saved My Marriage when He’s the One who Needed to Change

Dien Luu, Laura Doyle Certified Coach

It was actually my husband who first read The Surrendered Wife.

He said he thought it would help our relationship if I considered some of the ideas. I looked at the title, and I was so angry.

How dare he blame this on me!

I really thought that I was doing everything right. If only he would change, our life would be happier.

After moving to England, I often told him, “I gave up my life in Canada to be here with you. At least you could make an effort!” I was honest and blunt about my feelings, to the point of rudeness. But the more I told him how to be a good husband, the more distant he became.

Here’s what I didn’t know about how to have a peaceful, intimate marriage.
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I’m not sure how I got to be so unhappy, angry, and lonely in my marriage.

Was it postnatal depression since the birth of our son three months earlier? Was it because my husband was out of the house three nights a week for badminton, live music and football? Was it because I had not made new friends in this small town?

I wanted to be happy, but I just didn’t know how. To make matters worse, I blamed my husband for my unhappiness.

What happened to the guy I had fallen in love with?

Was this the same man who used to drive three hours from Wales to England each way every weekend for a whole year to see me? The one who flew to Canada after we broke up to work things out? The one who had said he was crazy about me?

At times he would jokingly say, “Please stop disrespecting me.”

I didn’t think I was disrespecting him. I thought he was being too sensitive.

He accused me of having a ghetto attitude and always being ready for a fight. In defense, I called him a country boy with no street sense.

I remember the day I decided to surrender.

I was going to let him have it. I called him at work and ran off a list of complaints. When I was finished my rant, I heard him crying.

He said he’d had to leave the office because I was yelling into the phone so loud that he was worried his colleagues could hear. He was sitting on the ground between two cars in the parking lot, sobbing and waiting for me to stop yelling.

He said, “I’m a grown man and I’m in a car park crying. Things shouldn’t be like this. I can’t take this anymore.”

He was right.

Things shouldn’t be like this. I decided that something needed to change.

I packed my copy of The Surrendered Wife and took the baby to a friend’s house for a week. When my husband had recommended the book, I dismissed it as soon as I got to the part about relinquishing control of the finances.

This time, I read the entire book in a week–twice.

I was so desperate for things to change in my marriage. I decided to try everything that was in the book.

I returned to my husband a grateful wife. I thanked him for making me coffee, taking care of our son, playing music with me, washing up after dinner, and going to work so I could stay home with our newborn.

I stopped complaining to him. I stopped telling him what to do. If he asked for my opinion on something that was his to decide, I would smile and say, “Whatever you think. I trust you.”

I started to respect him for who he was and made it a priority to show that I really respected his decisions by supporting instead of criticizing him.

I decided to get rid of the ghetto attitude by talking nicely to my husband instead of swearing and rolling my eyes at him.

I started to schedule three self-care activities a day, focusing on what I could do to make myself happy. I called my friends more often for girl talk. I started to play my violin again. I made time every day for a nap, a walk in the park, and writing a gratitude list in my journal.

I saw results immediately.

We argued less. We started laughing together again. He was home more often.

When I surrendered, he responded well. When I fell back into my old ways of nagging, complaining, blaming and yelling, he retreated emotionally.

It became clear to me that surrendering brings peace and happiness. Non-surrendering brings me back to feeling lonely and sad in my marriage.

I could see that things were improving between us, but I still yearned for them to be better. I googled “Laura Doyle” and read her blogs. I purchased her other books and read them daily for inspiration.

My girlfriends were calling me to vent about their husbands or partners, and I would talk to them about surrendering. All of this was going on without my husband’s knowledge.

Surrendering did not come naturally to me. I felt I was speaking a whole new language.

So one day, I decided that I wanted to enroll in Laura’s Relationship Coach Training program.

It was time to confess to my husband that I had reread the book that he’d recommended years ago.

I was worried that he would think I was somehow being fake in my marriage by following a handful of Skills. He was surprised to learn that I had reread the book. He also said, “I did notice that things had changed. I thought it was strange that you kept saying ‘Whatever you think.’”

The decision to surrender saved my marriage.

The Six Intimacy Skills™ have brought peace and intimacy back in my relationship. I definitely want more of it. I continue to practice the Intimacy Skills every day in my marriage, and I am so grateful for every opportunity to apply them.

I don’t feel like a fake at all. In fact, I feel more myself when I am feminine. I definitely feel more cherished, loved and adored by my husband.

I am so much happier with who I have become.

The post How I Saved My Marriage when He’s the One who Needed to Change appeared first on Laura Doyle.

Talking about Feelings

5 Communication Myths that Are Ruining Your Relationship

You already know that talking about feelings is the key to having a good relationship with someone you love.

But if you’re anything like I was, sometimes expressing your feelings starts a big fight, leaving you feeling like it’s not safe to share your inner self.

It’s crummy. Here you are revealing your truth and the response you get from the person who’s supposed to love and support you is distance or downright disregard.

There’s no lonelier feeling.

Fortunately, I’ve uncovered some common myths about communicating that were hurting my relationship. Now that I know how to talk about my feelings while increasing the connection with my husband, I want everyone else to know too!

Here are 5 communication myths that are ruining your relationship:
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Myth #1: Feelings Are Always Okay to Share

This is one I used to swear by.

As long as I started a sentence with “I feel…” I thought I was in the clear because I was just talking about my feelings.

I would say things like “I feel like you don’t do enough of the housework” or “I feel like you never want to spend time with me.”

I believed this was not only okay but completely necessary. After all, it was how I felt, which is always valid to share.

Problem was I wasn’t sharing my feelings in those statements–only criticisms of my husband. On careful examination, those sentences have nothing to do with how I was actually feeling. I didn’t say I felt overwhelmed with all the housework or that I was lonely, which are actual feeling words.

I was just putting the words “I feel” at the beginning and saying any damn thing I wanted after that.

No wonder I wasn’t getting a great response! I was just taking potshots at him then wondering why he was so hostile whenever I tried to talk to him.

Now I know if I use the word “like” after I start talking about my feelings, I’m probably about to roam down a dark alley. At the very least, I’m not being emotionally honest.

Today I strive to express my feelings about myself (not him) by using a feeling word such as “sad,” “frustrated” or “grateful.”

It’s amazing how tenderly my husband responds when I do.

Myth #2: Saying “We” and “Us” Keeps Things Friendly

Another thing I used to do trying talk my way out of the relationship ditch we were in was to include us both.

I’d say things like “We need to talk,” “We don’t know how to communicate,” and “Both of us got upset.”

I let him know “We need to work on things.”

I thought including us both would make the conversation feel safer because I wasn’t pointing fingers.

The problem is I was placing blame, cleverly disguised by the word “we.”

Or so I thought. My chicanery was about as effective as a toddler hiding a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

I was broadcasting the subtext “You need to listen to me” or “You upset me” or “You need to work on our relationship.”

These days I try to stick to what’s true for me, which means saying “I” and “me.”

This is how that sounds: “I got upset” or “I’m grumpy today and everything is bugging me.”

Or I might say, “I’m nervous about giving this big talk tomorrow.”

No criticism or finger pointing in sight.

Myth #3: In a Good Relationship, You Share Everything

I can just imagine that if someone had suggested that I keep some things from my husband early in my marriage, I would have snidely said, “We talk about everything!”

I believed this was the mark of a good relationship. There shouldn’t be any secrets. Not if you loved each other.

Now I see things a little differently.

Let’s say my husband makes a mistake that seems easily preventable. I might keep my comments to myself at that moment instead of saying, “Didn’t you notice the hatchback was still open when you closed the garage door?”

I’m not keeping a secret exactly. Just leaving him room to exercise his right to be wrong without giving him grief about it, even if I’m thinking it.

Yes, we talk about a lot, but some things I share with other women instead.

For example, my husband is not that interested in–nor does he have much to say about–the physical aspects of being a woman, whereas I am endlessly fascinated by that topic.

Lucky for me, I have two sisters and several girlfriends who are also interested and can contribute to those conversations.

Myth #4: Happy Couples Have Long Conversations about Their Relationship

I sure fell for this one a long time, wasting a lot of time creating unnecessary drama and anguish by trying to force long talks. My husband resisted these State of the Union addresses mightily.

No wonder–I wanted to focus on what was wrong, which only made those things bigger and more glaring.

Thankfully, I finally wised up.

The only conversations we have about our relationship now are super short. It’s when one of us says, “Gee, we sure have a great relationship.”

I say that not to brag (well, maybe a little) but because keeping things short and sweet has helped make the relationship great.

There’s nothing to say to my husband about our relationship that would take a long time.

There are things I desire, which I express by saying “I would love…” then telling him the final outcome I want.

There are things I can’t do without feeling resentful or costing me self-care, which I communicate by saying simply “I can’t.”

Sometimes I share about my day or ask to borrow his brain or reminisce about great times we had together.

We talk about our dreams and schemes and gossip about the neighbors and make up storylines for the rabbits in the backyard.

But as far as the relationship? There’s just not much to discuss. So we don’t–and it’s bliss.

Myth #5: Never Go to Bed Mad

OMG, I thought this one was gospel!

I remember lots of late-night arguments that only got worse the longer I stayed up and tried to talk it out.

Finally I heard Phyllis Diller’s take: “Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight!”

I giggled and cringed because that was exactly what we’d been doing. It seems ridiculous now because sometimes when I’m upset at night and go to sleep, in the morning I can’t even remember why I was upset.

I recently saw where someone had written on the wall above their bed, “Maybe making out for a few minutes would help us figure things out.”

I know you may not feel like it when you’re mad. But what if it helps you figure things out? Wouldn’t it be worth it?

So instead of talking about how mad you are, consider kissing him madly and seeing how it goes. Or just going to sleep.

Maybe it’s not the most conventional way to express your feelings, but it definitely contributes to a passionate, playful relationship.

What myths did I forget? Share below in the comments which ones you’ve heard that don’t serve your relationship. I’d love to hear.

The post Talking about Feelings appeared first on Laura Doyle.

Lost the Connection in My Marriage

Bonnie Mottram, Laura Doyle Certified Coach

I have been married to my highschool sweetheart for over 30 years. We were pretty happy for the most part but struggled with a small part–the one where I tried to manipulate him into being the way I thought he should be.

We had been dating for nine years before he finally asked me to marry him, so we had children right away. I would tell him how to parent. I often got in the middle of his disciplining them to let him know I disagreed with his punishment, which I did in front of the kids.

I felt I needed to control the money too since he hadn’t learned to manage a bank account in his bachelor days. After complaining that our life plan was not working out, I would demand that we have “a talk.”

This is where I did most of the talking and he would nod, as if he were on the same page agreeing with every word I said about how things needed to be in order to work.

If only he would do what he was supposed to, we would get along just fine, or so I thought. Unfortunately, he didn’t respond in kind.

Here’s how I averted divorce and restored the connection in my marriage:
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We joined small groups at church, thinking they would help us gain some perspective from other married couples. Then we would fight on the way home about how I interrupted his conversations, corrected the details in his stories, and felt responsible for him getting all the facts straight to tell the story correctly, the way it really happened!

I sought out books in the self-help section of the library, talked with other women, and consulted with clergy. I came up empty handed and resorted to my own ways of dealing with each new challenge. After a while, we were encouraged to seek marriage counseling.

We tried that too and it seemed to work for a little while, but I realized it was just a way to have someone hear my despairing story. I found myself defending my husband to the counselor, and we soon stopped going.

We were right back where we’d started, only feeling a little more hopeless, financially strained, and emotionally defeated.

I didn’t know what to do anymore.

Eventually, I found myself contemplating divorce. I was unhappy and sure that my husband was too! I just couldn’t go on like this anymore and started imagining a life without him. My three children were all grown up, and I began thinking about how we would split things up to be fair before going our separate ways.

I couldn’t believe I was having these thoughts, but I didn’t know what else to do.

Then a friend introduced me to one of Laura Doyle’s programs and invited me to try it out. She told me how she believed that it would save my marriage. Years before, she had given me a copy of the book The Surrendered Wife, so I took it off my shelf, dusted it off, and gave this program a try.

I enrolled that very day!

I started applying the principles outlined in the program immediately. With the encouragement of other surrendering women, I used the cheat phrase “whatever you think” when my husband asked what he should do regarding a financial purchase. You see, I was the one who always made the financial decisions, so he didn’t dare spend money without consulting me because if he did, he would hear my wrath.

I started respecting my husband’s decisions by accepting his choices, big or small, even if I didn’t totally agree with them. I used the metaphor of applying duct tape whenever I had the urge to correct him, tell him how to drive, or what he should wear!

He just always looked to me for approval. After I learned to relinquish control of his driving, we were on the freeway and he missed the exit.

I didn’t say a word.

I looked at my phone, placed my hands under my legs, and we continued on. And on. After a few miles, he noticed we had missed the exit and immediately blamed me for not letting him know.

“Why didn’t you say something,” he yelled.

I just sat there, not knowing what to say next. Finally, I replied, “Well, honey, I am not going to control your driving any more. I trust that you know where you’re going.”

This is where I heard how controlling I’d been in the past. He said, “You know, when you are in the car, it’s like I am on autopilot and just wait for you to tell me what to do next, and you didn’t!”

I couldn’t believe I had disrespected him by telling him how to drive. He drives for work, every day! I immediately apologized for all the times I thought he just didn’t know how to drive or where he was going. He had known all along.

Being respectful is such a great feeling!

I eventually let go of handling our finances, and he started paying the bills. He never seemed to forget his wallet when we’d go out for dinner. He became more aware of our financial situation and started commenting that he was doing better at work. He even turned in his expense report without me having to remind him. And he said I could get that laptop I’d always wanted!

After a few short months of replacing old habits with new ones, I began looking at what I love about my husband rather than what I don’t.

The love and support of the women in the program and the guidance of a coach empowered me to move toward intimacy in my marriage that I never thought possible.

My surrendering is more about progress than perfection, and I have a lifelong journey ahead of me. The difference today is that I am happier and living with the love of my life, who cherishes me and looks for ways to adore me each and every day.

I am blessed to have an even better marriage than I did decades ago!

The post Lost the Connection in My Marriage appeared first on Laura Doyle.

How to Talk about Sex

3 Ways to Keep It Steamy and Get What You Want

If the sex in your relationship isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, you’re not alone.

Women tell me there hasn’t been any physical intimacy since the baby was born–and he’s four.

Or that her husband is always after her for sex, but she just feels used.

Or that she’s tired of feeling so rushed and pressured in the bedroom. She’ll say her husband’s idea of foreplay is to say “Brace yourself.”

Of course these women are frustrated, to say the least. And they’re wondering how things are ever going to improve with so much resentment and hurt standing in the way.

Life is too short to suck it up and suffer through an unsatisfying sex life, but what’s the alternative? How do you talk about it?

After all, talking about sex can feel awkward, and talking during sex can kill the moment.

Here are 3 ways to talk about sex, get what you want and still keep things steamy.
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1. Whisper This at Dinner

As you already know, the advice you’ve read absolutely everywhere about how you should “set a time to talk about your issues in the bedroom–maybe several conversations” doesn’t work.

If you’re anything like me, you’ve tried that repeatedly, but it didn’t solve the problem.

If it did, we wouldn’t be talking about this right now. We’d be on to creating world peace and ending hunger.

What will help you get the sex life you want is digging deep to find your own desires in the bedroom then expressing them in the positive rather than as complaints.

There’s no need to say “We need to talk.”

You’re just going to look for a moment when it’s only the two of you at dinner or in the car or watching TV when the kids are asleep.

Then you’ll whisper that desire in his ear.

You’ll say, “I love it when you [fill in the blank]. I would love even more of that.”

Or maybe, “I love it when you’re romantic and draw the bath with rose petals and pour the champagne. I love feeling wooed like that.”

Or it could be, “My fantasy is that we run into each other at a bar and start making out and then…”

Why whisper those words, you ask?

Because what you’re saying is so intimate. It’s private and vulnerable. It’s a special conversation that only lovers have.

You might be surprised at how well he pays attention.

2. Make It Safe for Sex

You might be thinking, “Whispering desires is great for some people, but it won’t work for me because we have bigger problems than just not having fireworks in the bedroom.”

I get it. I remember when there wasn’t any sex happening around here and how desperately I wanted to have it again–or any form of intimacy for that matter. I didn’t want to suffer any further rejection, so whispering something sexy in his ear seemed super scary.

If #1 above feels like too much of a leap, consider focusing on the emotional safety outside of the bedroom first.

The way to create emotional safety is to demonstrate that you won’t criticize, complain, correct, demean or demand.

Impossible, you say? That’s what I thought too. After all, sometimes my husband makes mistakes, and I’m a mere mortal woman. How would I refrain from pointing them out?

I used to let him know about those mistakes again and again, but I’m happy to say I’ve cut way back on that overrated indulgence. I don’t miss the loss of connection and wall-to-wall hostility that used to cause or the emotional hangover I felt afterward. At all.

I’ve upped the respect, and I keep my criticisms to myself when they cross my mind, which they do at times.

In the beginning, I felt like a mute because so much of what I’d been in the habit of saying was critical, complaining, correcting, demeaning or demanding.

But being quiet was a learning experience. It gave me time to think about myself and the kind of woman I wanted to be, not to mention what I wanted in bed, instead of being distracted by what I saw as his shortcomings.

And it gave him the space to say things out loud that he wouldn’t have before, like what he wanted to do to fix up the house and the backyard or his enthusiasm for going to Mars.

When he shared his ideas and I didn’t point out what was wrong with them, eventually he realized he was safe.

And it turns out safety is sexy.

The restored safety between us helped me find my courage to start whispering in his ear.

3. Give Authentic Feedback

When it comes to being aroused, men are microwaves and women are slow cookers.

If you’re engaging in physical intimacy that’s not satisfying because it’s too rushed, you might feel mad or hurt that he would be so pushy.

But what if he just doesn’t realize you’re a slow cooker? He might think you’re all ready to go instantaneously too.

It took me a while to realize that I was responsible for my own happiness, even in bed. I wanted my husband to be the one to do the right things at the right time to make me feel good.

I wasn’t so good at honoring myself in that moment. Sometimes I would go along to get along instead of slowing things down. I didn’t realize that I was teaching him how to treat me but it wasn’t the treatment I wanted.

How could he know unless I gave him authentic feedback? I made the mistake of making sounds indicating I was having a good time when I wasn’t really.

I was sending the wrong message until I learned to be authentic.

“Authentic” doesn’t mean negative. Criticism has a very chilling effect on intimacy, which is never truer than in the bedroom. Complaining just doesn’t make us hot.

But conveying what I love (not what I don’t) is authentic.

Making sounds that let him know I’m enjoying what I’m doing is authentic, and so is stopping when I’m not.

Sending a signal with my body language, smile and what I’m wearing (or not wearing) is all authentic communication.

For me, it helped to stop focusing on talking about sex and start thinking about honoring myself while we were together, even when it was scary.

Turns out nothing could be steamier.

Which tip could reignite your sex life? I’d love to hear in the comments below.

The post How to Talk About Sex appeared first on Laura Doyle.

How I Changed My Family’s Legacy of Divorce to One of Strong, Happy Marriage

Carol Beauchemin, Laura Doyle Certified Coach

I come from generations of divorce. It seemed that was to be the destiny of my 26-year marriage as well.

Raising three children, self-employment, financial challenges and stress all put tremendous pressure on my husband and me, and our relationship was beaten down.

I resented the lack of partnership from him and felt very alone raising our children. The economy drop hurt our finances severely, and my fears consumed me—something he didn’t know how to handle.

When I expressed my fear, he heard only criticism and we were off to the races, not understanding one another on any level. I tried to fix things, but my control hurt our marriage and pushed him away. I lacked the tools to navigate these marital challenges.

I had no clue that a few simple skills could help me end the cycle of divorce in my family.
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My husband and I had been separated five months when I found Laura Doyle online. I began studying and went to the Cherished for Life Weekend. I was empowered as a woman to surrender control and grow into a better version of myself, which brought out the best in my husband too.

We began to heal.

The first thing I learned was how important it was to take care of myself again, as raising children and working so much had drained me and left me unclear of who Carol was anymore. I had always prioritized everyone else before myself, and that wasn’t working for me or serving my family.

I learned that when my cup is full, I can more easily handle the ups and downs of life. My joy returned as I practiced self-care and focused on the only thing I could control: me.

I was empowered to choose love and faith over fear and to implement the Six Intimacy Skills™. My husband and I reunited two months later. Today, he is my hero again.

Just last night he came home and installed the mirror I’ve been wanting. I know he was tired after a long day’s work, yet he still wanted to make me happy.

He now does laundry and cooking–anything he can to pitch in and help–not to mention rubbing my feet on the couch. I love that, almost as much as I do us dancing and laughing together in the kitchen!

Laura gave me the skills to rebuild our relationship and bring out the best in my man—and begin healing my family as well. I can now help mold the next generation with positive relationship skills by modeling a new legacy: strong marriage and family.

As I’ve learned to shift away from negativity and fear, I have realized that so much has to do with the stories we tell.

Interestingly, while half of my heritage has generations of divorce, the other side has generations of long-term marriage. In fact, my paternal grandparents were married 71 years. I now choose to claim that legacy.

And so I begin this introduction again…

I come from a legacy of committed marriage. And I am committed to empowering other women to learn the Intimacy Skills to heal their families of the impact of stress, financial struggles, anger and resentment. Together we can turn even the most hopeless relationship into a marriage where you feel the love and closeness you felt when you were newly wed.

After all, isn’t that what we all deserve?

The post How I Changed My Family’s Legacy of Divorce to One of Strong, Happy Marriage appeared first on Laura Doyle.

Making Up after a Fight

3 Power Moves to Restore Peace after a Breakdown

If you’re anything like I was, when you fight with your partner you both say nasty things.

It can be shocking to see how low this thing you live with will go.

And while I’ve said some regrettable things during a fight, the biggest thing on my mind when it’s over is that he owes me an apology. Big time!

And it’d better be a good one, to convince me that he’s really sorry and he’ll never do it again.

Until then, I will show that I am waiting for said apology by being distant and having an irritated look on my face.

That ought to motivate him.

But it didn’t. Mostly that approach got me a cold war and wall-to-wall hostility.

It’s stressful. It’s hurtful. Fortunately, I have a better post-fight game plan now.

Here are 3 power moves to restore the peace and connection after a fight.
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1. Own Your Part

I wish somebody had told me sooner how much peace and power there is in apologizing for my part in a scuffle.

Maybe they tried, but I didn’t get the message. So I spent many years waiting to be apologized to, which just made me a victim.

Victims don’t have that much fun, it turns out, and they don’t have such great relationships either–take it from me.

Also, I wish I’d known the anatomy of an accountable apology sooner because that’s where the real magic is.

Now, a breakdown is my signal to check if I have something to clean up.

I absolutely love knowing that I can bring peace to my relationship and to my soul by taking responsibility for whatever I said or did that was less than what I aspire to be.

Sometimes I have to think a long time before I can identify my part of the mess because I just don’t want to admit that I jumped to conclusions, interrupted, controlled or criticized.

Even after all these years of being in the habit of apologizing, it’s still uncomfortable to look for my faults.

It’s also a relief.

I can give up the exhausting dance of trying to defend myself and embrace the liberation of saying, “Some terrible things were said…and I’m the one who said them.”

What about his apology, you might wonder. When is he ever going to learn this secret?

When you find the courage to burst the tension bubble yourself with an apology, you often get one back. But even if you don’t, you get something I’ve come to value even more: a clean side of the street.

I no longer have to defend the indefensible. Phew!

That often restores the peace immediately, but whether my apology is accepted or not, I’ve done what’s in my power to set things right. Holy cow, that feels good!

2. Issue Just One Apology

I remember having serious fights in the past where I just wanted my husband to get over it so we could go back to normal.

So I would say I was sorry again and again. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Because more is more.

That did not have the desired effect. He would just get more irritated.

That’s because it wasn’t so much about me being accountable or remorseful. It was more about trying to get him to snap out of being upset so I wouldn’t be uncomfortable and fearful about our lack of connection.

These days I prefer to take a one-and-done approach.

Unless he didn’t hear me or there’s a new offense I want to clean up, one apology is enough. No need to repeat myself like a trained parrot, even if he’s still upset and going on about how awful I was being.

That singular, solemn apology has more gravity than repeated groveling, in my experience, and leaves me feeling more dignified, even if I just had an ugly meltdown all over my husband because the the new dryer door opens the wrong direction.

Not a proud moment, but at least I’m not doubling down on my bad behavior by defending it or trying to wish it away with repeated sorry’s.

Even if I don’t get immediate forgiveness in that moment, once again I know I’m clean.

3. Do Nothing

99% of the time when I’m in a conflict with someone, even if I feel my actions were completely justified given the situation, there’s something I would like to have done better.

Since I love the feeling of empowerment I get, I usually find something to apologize for, like that I didn’t communicate very well or that I wasn’t more patient.

But on rare occasions, I can’t think of anything I’ve done that was regrettable at all. I’m already clean. Apologizing would be betraying myself because it wouldn’t be authentic.

So I don’t.

Of course, that can be stressful.

Recently, I recommended a paint color to a friend, and she gave that color to the painter but then didn’t like the color once it was up on the high ceiling.

My friend was unhappy and wanted me to take responsibility for making a bad recommendation.

In the face of this breakdown, I was tempted to apologize to make nice. But when I looked for my part in this conflict, I found I had no part in causing her unhappiness.

My side of the street felt clean already, so there was no pull to use my super powerful restore-the-peace secret weapon. I had shown up the way I wanted to in this instance.

Al I could do was empathize about how disappointing it is to spend money on a painter and not like the result.

The conversation was still going along uncomfortably, but then a funny thing happened: My friend sighed and said, “I know it’s not your fault I don’t like the paint color. I’m just bummed about it. I’m sorry for trying to blame you.”

The tension was gone, and all I had done was stay true to myself and listen to my friend process her disappointment.

The same can happen with my husband.

He could be a grouch on the couch throwing out blame I don’t think I deserve or invitations to an argument.

If I can RSVP “not attending” and mind my own side of the street, I save myself from owing an apology later.

If you have a conflict with someone in your life right now, a great experiment to try is to ask yourself which of these 3 moves would contribute to greater peace. Do you owe an apology? Will you issue one and only one? Or is your side of the street completely clean already?

I’d love to hear in the comments section below.

The post Making Up after a Fight appeared first on Laura Doyle.

Stella’s Success Story: Attracting Him Back when He Wanted Out

By Stella McBride

I’d been married to the man of my dreams for 22 years. Our marriage seemed idyllic to others, but the cumulative pain of having the same arguments again and again was overwhelming us both.

On the worst days, when I most wanted him to comfort me, he would avoid me. I would sob in my bed for hours. I was so lonely in my happy-looking home, and so sure he was to blame.

Then, one summer day I found affectionate notes between him and an old girlfriend on a messaging app on our home computer.

I was devastated, he was sorry, and we started counseling.

After a couple of months, it was abundantly clear that verbally bashing each other and bringing up hurt feelings for an hour every other week was doing more harm than good, so we quit.

Here’s what the therapist didn’t tell me about how to attract my husband back.
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At Thanksgiving that year, gathered in his mother’s kitchen, I overheard him talking to his brother, discussing wife frustrations. Then his brother grinned and said, “Yeah, but you still love her, right?”

They didn’t know I was nearby. I saw my husband merely shrug.

Now, not only was I devastated, I was desperate. Surfing the net night and day for solutions, I found the first chapter of The Surrendered Wife, and my mind was blown.

I felt like Laura Doyle had microphones in my house, as I’d been the perfect shrew for at least 10 years. My husband had been pleading with me to listen, to understand how deeply he was hurting, all the while trying desperately to please me while I criticized him for it.

I had believed my friends and pop culture, which told me he just needed to put on his big boy pants and do it my way. But I had misunderstood: “Bitchy” and “strong” were not synonymous. It was my actions, my words, that were the slow poison killing my marriage, so only I had the power to change it.

I enrolled with a Laura Doyle coach with hope in my heart, and things soon got much, much worse.

In January of the following year, alone in my bathroom, I found texts that showed he was in love with another ex-girlfriend, and they’d been seeing each other some weekends. She was recently divorced, full of advice, and gave him the respect and understanding I had not. When that happens to a man, he usually can’t help but fall head over heels.

Sitting side by side on our bed on a cold, rainy day, he asked me for a divorce.

I kissed him on the cheek and told him lovingly this was not what I wanted but I understood. By then I’d had enough coaching to know, as Carl Jung said, “What you resist persists,” and I promised I would not stand in his way.

I also decided that I would not pave his way.

In other words, if he asked me for a specific action or piece of information for the divorce proceedings, I cooperatively provided it, but I did not volunteer anything, nor make any legal arrangements myself.

In the meantime, I dove into the pleasures of my self-care.

In my kitchen, two playlists were constantly on: music to lift me up and music to make me scream and cry. Most of the time, it was the “I <3 Me” playlist, which got me dancing around the room and banging air drums with wooden spoons. But when it was safe, l let the anger and grief fly, screaming along with bitter classic rock lyrics.

The waves of emotion engulfed me in the safety of my empty home or car, but I now had the self-care skills to come up for air. This way, my emotional waves didn’t crash uncontrollably all over my husband, my kids or my coworkers at awkward times.

I found my inner goddess of fun and light! I wrote, colored, lit candles, took dance classes, went to art galleries with coworkers and enjoyed a few Bollywood movies–things I’d never done before! Daily scented baths were a must do. I smiled nearly all the time.

As our teenage kids and I made our weekly plans around the kitchen island one spring Saturday, our 18-year-old son said to me, “Mom, you’re a lot more interesting since Dad moved out.”

I just smiled.

As my husband continued his weekends away, living outside our main home in the garage bonus room, it was simultaneously the most joyous and most painful year of my life.

My emotions did not cancel each other out but coexisted. As the poet Khalil Gibran wrote, “Your joy can fill you only as deeply as your sorrow has carved you.” I was living both.

And I flirted like crazy!

I lit up when he walked into the room. I flaunted new lingerie in the kitchen. I touched his hand in conversation. I referenced all kinds of shared happy memories, inside jokes, and lines from books and movies we both loved, like Star Wars.

I also chose faith over fear. I knew I had skills and his other did not. I believed she would become the typical controlling harpy I had been, while I continued to soften, let go of expectations, discover more of my own life, and grow in gratitude for his loving actions.

Never had I appreciated more him just showing up and taking out the trash! It meant that he was there, in my house, helping me.

It took a long time. It was fall before I saw any positive attention from him. Slowly, slowly, the scales had to tip from his association with me as a source of pain, through more neutral territory, wobbling back and forth for several months, and eventually into flirtation.

We started dating! He would invite me upstairs to watch TV or suggest lunch out on the weekend. I received graciously!

He was testing the waters to see if he could trust the changes in me.

On a bright October afternoon, after sharing drinks on the patio with coworkers, he wandered into the kitchen and planted a big fat kiss on my lips, with a suggestive look in his eyes. I responded in kind, and things got steamy!

We started to share physical intimacy often. By then, my ability to experience pleasure had grown so strong through self-care, I was enjoying it more than ever! I was staying in the moment, with no future expectations.

By Christmas, there were dinners and movies and flowers and cards. The compliments flowed. I don’t know if the other was still in the picture or not, but I knew what I had: my man in my arms, hanging out with me and enjoying every minute of it.

It wasn’t until May–nearly two years after the initial crisis–that he finally felt comfortable enough to move back into our bedroom.

On a lovely spring day, in the intimately mundane setting of our bathroom as we rinsed our toothbrushes, he looked at me and said, “I love you.”

I gave him my best Han Solo sly grin and said, “I know.”

He grinned back and his eyes shone with deeply renewed love for me.

The post Stella’s Success Story: Attracting Him Back when He Wanted Out appeared first on Laura Doyle.

Selfish Husband

The Cure for the Chronically Self-Consumed Man

When your husband doesn’t clean up even his part of the mess but just leaves it for you to do or plays video games instead of putting the kids to bed or wants you to notice the yard work he did but never says a word about all the work you do, it can get irritating.

When he makes plans without checking with you, forgets to tell you about them, then disappears when he knew he was supposed to help out with moving the furniture, it can make you resentful.

If your guy sleeps through middle-of-the-night feedings, expects sex whenever he feels like it, and seems to want you to solve all of his problems like the world revolves around him, it’s not only exhausting, it’s lonely.

But there is a solution.

Here’s how to get your selfish man to be giving so you can get a break.
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1. Ask Yourself This Question

Rather than complaining when your husband appears selfish, consider turning the complaint into a desire and expressing that instead. One way to figure out what you want is to ask yourself, “What would I have that I don’t have now if he weren’t so selfish?”

Maya and her husband were separated when she learned from her twelve year old on the way home from school that her husband had planned an out-of-state trip during spring break. Her blood boiled as she realized that he had assumed she would be taking care of the kids that entire week alone and hadn’t even bothered to give her a heads-up. She angrily formulated a nasty rant in her head as she drove home.

But by the time she got home, she could hear her Intimacy Skills coach’s voice in her head, inviting her to think about what she wanted and to express her desires in a way that inspires.

So, instead of saying that he was being selfish and inconsiderate and that he needed to take responsibility for his kids instead of expecting her to always be the responsible parent, as she had planned, she sent a very different text: “I saw that you have the same Spring break as the kids, which is great because I would love a couple of days off from being a mom that week.”

He texted back, “I can’t take them because I’ll be out of town.”

Releasing her expectations, Maya summoned her inner Goddess of Fun and Light and replied, “Maybe we can just give them the key to the house and the liquor cabinet and tell them to do the right thing?”

Her husband sent back a laughing emoji and said, “I’ll see if I can set up an overnight at grandma’s.”

And he did.

Turns out her “selfish” husband was happy to accommodate what his wife wanted when she told him clearly what it was instead of complaining that he was selfish and inconsiderate.

2. Pretend He’s Not Selfish

You have lots of evidence that your husband is selfish.

But since nobody can be 100% selfish, that means he’s at least 1% not selfish. In other words, he is at least 1% unselfish or maybe 1% generous. And chances are he’s more than 1% unselfish or generous.

If you would love to have an unselfish, generous husband, that means you have the opportunity to create that experience. Because what you focus on increases.

Instead of focusing on how he never replaces the toilet paper roll when he uses the last piece, can you find evidence that he’s actually a giving person?

Maybe he supports the whole family with his paycheck. Maybe he spends time helping the kids with their homework. Maybe he helped the neighbor take down a tree that time.

Simply changing your mantra from “You are so selfish!” to “You are so generous!” or “You are so considerate and thoughtful!” then gathering evidence to support your statement is a powerful way to change your experience.

Like one woman who decided to wait until her husband did something–anything–that she could then say he was considerate about. Sure enough, she “caught him” making a new pot of coffee after he had just finished the last of it. She suspected that he was probably making it for himself, but since she also had a cuppa, she chose to see it as an act of thoughtfulness, and told him so. She was surprised when her husband looked at her as if she finally got him.

What proof can you come up with that your husband is what you want him to be?

3. Stop Doing Everything

If you’re feeling overburdened because you’re responsible for everything at your house, you’re not alone. I remember that awful feeling.

It feels like you have no choice when you look around and the only other adult in the house is playing Call of Duty and eating Oreos out of the package on a school night while you make the lunches for tomorrow.

But what if the reason he’s not helping out much is because you already did everything?

For me, it was a major paradigm shift to look at things that way. I had dubbed myself the queen of grown-up responsibilities, but I just made that up.

It’s embarrassing now that I thought if I didn’t monitor the trashcans, the oil changes, the insurance payments, and the retirement savings that we’d be buried in garbage with broken-down cars, no insurance and no money in our old age.

Now I don’t think about any of those things. My husband does all that. And the dishes. And the laundry.

So it was me–I was the one who took on too much responsibility, which made me feel overburdened and, in turn, critical of my husband for just coasting along.

I was the one who sold myself down the river. So all I had to do…was stop.

Once I did, my husband seemed a lot less self-centered and willing to pitch in more. Especially because I was in a better mood.

What could you stop doing to give your husband the opportunity to help out more? It can be scary to try, but the thrill of finding out I wasn’t alone after all was well worth it.

What evidence do you have that your husband is unselfish and even generous? Please post in the comments below.

The post Selfish Husband: The Cure for the Chronically Self-Consumed Man appeared first on Laura Doyle.

My Husband Abandoned Me Then Became the Man of My Dreams

Mari-Jean Anderson, Laura Doyle Certified Coach

I have always believed in marriage.

I just couldn’t make it work.

First married for two years at 18 and again at 35, this time for only a year, I could not figure out how to be in love for very long.

In 2003, at age 53, I found myself falling in love once again, this time with Clark, a confirmed bachelor who had dated a number of women I knew. Ever optimistic, we married in 2004.

It didn’t take long for things to fall apart.

Although we married in November, Clark didn’t move in with me until after January. I would spend night after night by myself in my house, a new bride alone in her bed.

I was ashamed to tell my friends that my husband preferred the short commute from his old home to his office rather than making the drive to be with me at night. I felt angry and neglected.

I was determined to write a better ending to the story.

Here’s how I made my marriage passionate even after my husband abandoned me.
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Hard work and ambition were never a problem. Balancing the demands of single parenting, a growing son and a growing career, I rose from insurance salesperson to stockbroker to senior VP at a major corporation until opening my own firm in the late ’90s.

I kept my sense of humor and perspective by indulging in my interests in the outdoors, real estate, friends and family.

My mother used to tease that she always knew I was in love because I’d stop exercising and gain weight. I thought being in love meant that I had to do everything I could to make my partner happy, even if that meant neglecting my own needs.

I was well down that path very early in my marriage to Clark.

His answer to our problems was to get a job working in a war zone in Afghanistan, where he stayed for 2 ½ years. Eventually he came home and we moved to a town 300 miles away for his new job.

Soon, all I felt was anger, betrayal, abandonment and uselessness. He shot down any ideas I had for things I thought would be fun, refused to go out to restaurants, ignored my sexual advances, and just spent night after night in his office with the door closed.

I was googling divorce attorneys and came across an interview with Laura Doyle.

Some of her ideas made sense to me. They were certainly different from all the advice everyone else offered, so I bought that little book: The Surrendered Wife. I read it cover to cover.

I loved the promise that I could be in a fully committed relationship without giving up the me part of me. But I never believed that this relationship would be possible with the husband I had because, obviously, we were different from all the other people she wrote about.

I simply knew that my husband was impossible and would never change.

Okay, so some of Laura’s ideas began to make a difference in my life and my level of happiness, but my plan was still to get myself together, leave this marriage, finally find myself a great guy and live happily ever after.

I enrolled in Relationship Coach Training just because I needed to do something. Little did I know the blind spots it would reveal in a few short months.

I could see that my offers of help were methods of control. I would “help” him pick out clothes for work. I would explain how to approach his boss. I even told him–I mean helped him understand–how to leave a phone message for his sister!

So I started biting my tongue.

I really believed that my husband would miss hearing my opinion about how to do things better or more efficiently. He didn’t. What he did do was start talking to me more, telling me the whole story instead of the tiny snippets that used to drive me crazy.

I thought that without my constant reminders about what he needed to do at work, he would fall behind. He didn’t. He was promoted.

I thought that if I spent too much time on self-care, he would resent it. He didn’t. He began cutting things out of the paper that he thought I would like to do.

I thought that if I showed I was frightened, he would lose respect for me. He didn’t. He stepped up and made adjustments, even making more money, so I wouldn’t be scared.

I’d always hated how dark the front of the house was at night. He loved how natural the darkness looked because we were in the country. I told him I was scared to come home at night and walk to the door in the dark. He installed lovely directed lighting that eased my fears and maintained the beauty of the country night.

I always thought that if I was happy with those awful presents he gave me, like complicated computer programs so far over my head that opening the box was a challenge, I would be consigned to getting awful presents for the rest of my life. Also not true. He became more confident and started hitting home runs.

He’s still a gadget-obsessed techno freak, but I don’t mind. I just received my first iPhone. And, when I was heading to the cold North recently, he bought me a beautiful warm (and, yes, high-tech fabric) coat. I LOVE it!

Surrendering became my way of life, and its positive effects spread to my relationships with family and friends. Life got better and sweeter; I was again falling in love with my life.

And the best surprise of all? I am living with the man of my dreams–who was standing right there in the kitchen all along.

As for me, I’m in a totally committed, passionate relationship, and I haven’t had to give up anything except my bad habits.

If using the 6 Intimacy Skills™ could make this this happen for me, I know it can happen for you too!

What are you “helping” your husband with that he can handle himself? I’d love to hear in the comments below.

The post My Husband Abandoned Me Then Became the Man of My Dreams appeared first on Laura Doyle.

My Husband Disappoints Me All the Time

5 Ways to Inspire Him to Be a Better Man

Being constantly disappointed in your marriage can wear you down and make you hopeless about the future.

Maybe your husband disappoints you when it comes to celebrations–he forgets your anniversary, gets you a present that has nothing to do with what you like, or acts like it’s just another Wednesday.

Or, let’s say he complains when you’re sick because you aren’t doing the things you normally do. The demoralizing message is that you’re not that important except for what you contribute, not to mention his lack of compassion when you just want to be taken care of!

Or he may be a disappointment in a bigger sense, like not showing up to be the dad your kids deserve.

Either way, you don’t have to just suck it up and continue to hurt endlessly.

Here are 5 ways you can inspire your man to treat you better.
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1. Catch Him Doing Something Good

Although your husband seems to be letting you down a lot, that’s not his intention. No husband wants to disappoint his wife–quite the opposite. He married you with the intention of making you happy, not crushing your hopes and dreams till death do you part.

That desire to delight you is still in him, even if you haven’t seen it for a while. One way to fan the flames of that desire is to wait for him to do something that you like–even if it’s something small–and pounce on him about it. In a good way.

You could say, “I noticed you made the bed this morning, and that made me so happy! I just love that you were so thoughtful and made the bedroom look so beautiful for me. Thank you, sweet husband!”

Sure, there are lots of things he’s doing that are letting you down, but he did this one thing right and by focusing on that, you let him know that he can succeed in making you happy. Once he feels like a success, he’s likely to look around for more ways to delight you.

2. Express Your Desire in a Way that Inspires

Every year, Belinda complained that her husband let her down on her birthday. He never got a present or planned anything special, which left her feeling unimportant.

“I just want him to do something special for me,” she told me. “I don’t know what, but you’d think he could figure it out.”

When I asked what would make her happy on her birthday, at first Belinda was confused. “The whole point is that I want him to surprise me,” she said. “If I have to figure it out myself then what’s the point?”

Still, she conceded that there was a new restaurant she wanted to try and that she always enjoyed going for a walk on the pier on a balmy night. She expressed her pure desires to her husband by saying, “I would love to try out that new Mexican place and go for a walk on the pier.”

Sure enough, her husband took the whole family out to the new Mexican place for her birthday. After dinner he announced, “Now we’re going for a walk on the pier.”

You might argue that it wasn’t very imaginative on his part to do exactly what she’d said she wanted, but it was the best birthday she could remember having in years. Which, of course, she told him now that she had multiple opportunities to catch him doing something good.

She was amazed that when she said how much she enjoyed the birthday activities he had planned for her, he grew a foot taller and beamed.

3. Let Him Know How Happy He Makes You

This leads to one of the most powerful ways to stop getting disappointed by your husband: telling him how happy what he’s doing is making you.

I’m not suggesting that you lie, but I am suggesting that it can be powerful to change your focus to what he does do instead of focusing on what he doesn’t do that you wish he would.

One woman told her husband how much she appreciated him working hard to support the family even though she didn’t think that would be a big deal to him. She was surprised that he got something in his eyes right then.

When you find the specific things that he does contribute to your life and get happy about them, they will multiply.

4. Talk to a Friend

But what do you do with those disappointed feelings that keep popping up?

Telling your husband how disappointed you are, again, is just going to make him defensive. It will never inspire him to stop disappointing you. Even though it seems that’s how it should work, it never does.

If you decide you want to preserve the intimacy in your marriage but you also need to process how disappointed you are that he doesn’t like to spend time with your family, you could talk to a neutral party, like a friend.

Like the time my husband walked on the new rug with his freshly polished black shoes and wrecked the rug.

Sigh. I just needed to talk to someone about it, but he already felt bad enough, so I didn’t want to talk to him about it.

My BFFs gave me the empathy I needed so I didn’t create a marital problem in addition to the problem with the new rug.

5. Fill Yourself Up

Sometimes my husband disappoints me because I’m already in an agitated state. I’m tired or hangry or sick, and the world doesn’t look right.

I recently had a cold and wanted him to take care of me by bringing me soup.

But he didn’t know that. In fact, when he asked if I was hungry I said I wasn’t, and then I was disappointed that he didn’t try to force nourishment on me.

Being sick will cause lapses in logic like that, in my experience.

John would like the record to show that he did go get me soup after I said I wanted it.

Most of the time I’m pretty good at figuring out what I want and expressing that or giving it to myself so I don’t get resentful toward him for not reading my mind.

The more happy and fulfilled I am, the less chance I have to feel disappointed about anything my husband does because I can more easily hold on to the perspective that the man just wants to make me happy.

Which of these five tips will you focus on this week? Will you share more gratitude? Express your desires? I’d love to hear in the comments below.

The post My Husband Disappoints Me All the Time appeared first on Laura Doyle.

My Marriage Is Miserable

How I Stopped the Fighting

Sonya, Laura Doyle Certified Coach
“Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife.” —Proverbs 21:9 (NIV)

I met my husband in college, and disrespect started early—even before we got married.

He said he’d always dreamed his bride would come down the aisle followed by a long white train. I found a gown with a short train. He didn’t see until our wedding day that I had completely disregarded his wishes.

Six months into marriage, I complained bitterly to my mom and sister that I couldn’t see any advantage to being married.

I worked and he was in school, which created an awkward dynamic. He was spending my money, going golfing with his friends, or settling into a book or playing computer games at home, and I was lonely a lot. My expectations for a happy, fun, never-alone relationship were not being met.

I was miserable and told him so.

But we couldn’t stop fighting, until I learned these hacks for a happy marriage.
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I read marriage books, and we went to marriage retreats. I wrote him letters with lists of what I thought he should be doing, telling him to try to be a better husband or get help. I complained to his family members, asking them to tell him the same thing.

I had lots of expectations and would frequently explain tearfully how much he was disappointing me. He would say I was impossible to please so why should he even try?

As we began talking about having kids, we went to a marriage counselor, hoping to resolve some long-standing fights. She was more like a referee—I said my side and he said his. There was an impasse so we quit going.

While I was pregnant, he was invited to a guys’ poker game and got hooked. He started spending hours playing online poker and reading about it. He quit coming to bed at the same time as me. I felt even lonelier and more trapped with a new baby and a mentally absent husband.

In commiserating with a friend, she told me about the book The Surrendered Wife, and I read it eagerly. I related to Laura’s experiences and tried to implement some of her recommendations. I committed to rereading it annually. Later, I subscribed to Laura’s emails, eventually going to the Cherished for Life Weekend and doing coach training.

Slowly, I began to implement the Six Intimacy Skills™ more consistently. Instead of complaining that we never took trips together, I began saying “I would love a getaway.” We had three last year alone!

Instead of my managing the money (as I did when we were first married) or second-guessing him when he did it, he now manages the finances and I try not to interfere. I do state my desires then trust him. He seems more confident and I feel much more relaxed.

Through self-care, I have allowed myself to enjoy life more. I have workaholic tendencies and get a lot of fulfillment through achievement. Now, I treat myself to tea dates with friends, pedicures, and regular hikes.

This has brought up my baseline happiness level so that I’m not relying on my husband to make me happy (or focusing on everything he’s not doing). It gives my mood a buffer against disappointments and frustrations.

But the Intimacy Skill that seems to have made the most impact has been gratitude.

Usually at bedtime, I reflect on the day and thank him for how he has helped. This has been magical in several ways: First, my mindset has shifted as I notice the positive. He seems much more relaxed and comfortable around me as he hears how much I like him and am thankful for him.

Not to mention he often comes to bed at the same time as me!

While things haven’t changed in some ways (he still plays poker and has different interests than mine), my attitude has changed. I choose intimacy over being right and in control all the time. I appreciate what I have and what he does.

When disappointments do come, through gratitude I bounce back more quickly and don’t find myself getting colds or headaches from them as much.

I was talking with a friend recently and mentioned that my husband was playing poker. She stopped me, shocked that for the first time she didn’t hear bitterness in my voice in telling her that.

Now, instead of being across the house or across the room from me, my husband will often come sit beside me in the evening. His quarrelsome wife is gone, the respectful one here to stay.

The post My Marriage is Miserable appeared first on Laura Doyle.

My Husband Avoids Me

How I Attracted Him Back–and Became My Best Self

Amy Beth Kauffman, Laura Doyle Relationship Coach

I met my husband 27 years ago, the day I moved to a new apartment. We ran into each other by chance in the lobby as he was leaving a friend’s place. He then turned around to come back upstairs with his friend and me to hang out longer.

A month later, he drove over to my apartment to ask me out on a date, and we have been together ever since.

I married him for many reasons: He was smart, gentle, stable, reliable, generous, compassionate, hard-working, and he has amazing green eyes! I thought the world of him.

He was attentive to me, planned dates for us–everything from lunch to vacation–and we were fortunate to have the family of our dreams. It was a fairytale.

Until it wasn’t.

We decided that I would put my career on the back burner to be a stay-at-home mom. It made sense financially and emotionally. Motherhood was wonderfully exhausting, but I was lonely for my husband.

While I waited at home for his attention, he was becoming a superstar at work. He received promotion after promotion, which I was proud of and yet, I began to feel less important and less worthy than I was.

I unfairly expected him to fulfill all my needs for attention, affirmation and affection.

I had no idea I had the power to banish my loneliness and attract my man back, without being needy.
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I see it now. It plays back in slow motion in my head.

As he pulled away with great enjoyment for his job, I felt rejected. I am sure I encouraged his response with my begging, demands and criticism. I didn’t know what else to do.

I was hurt that he would manage to get home early to play basketball but not to spend time with me. I was longing for him to want to spend time with me for validation of my self-worth. But I couldn’t coerce him to spend time with me, say he loved me or introduce me to his coworkers.

Over the years of trudging through, our marriage slowly declined, even as we held hands and snuggled all the while. On the outside, we appeared the happy couple. We wore the masks well.

We did love each other, but there was an unspoken dissatisfaction between us. I had no idea how to fix it.

The needier I became, the more he escaped to watch TV or work. He continued to pull away from me and began to spend more time at the office. The attention he sought was not mine but what I used to be: young, sweet, happy and ego boosting.

I forced him to go to therapy with me. I thought the therapist would convince him to change since I wasn’t having any luck. It didn’t work.

He was not inspired to engage more with me. In fact, therapy had the opposite effect: He resented being dragged there and, consequently, had even less to say to me.

Eventually, I found Laura Doyle’s Six Intimacy Skills™ online. I watched an introductory course and related to every word she said. I signed up because, as Laura asks, “You’ve tried everything else you can think of. Are you willing to try one more thing?”

I was ashamed to learn I was controlling.

He’d told me I was bossy; I thought I was helpful.

He’d told me I was needy; I thought telling him what I want, how and when would make it easier for him.

Suddenly flooded by memories, I heard my voice: critical, demeaning, demanding, begging. I heard his voice: “Why don’t you appreciate what I do do,” “Nothing I do is ever right,” “I can never please you,” “I do things differently than you and that doesn’t make it wrong.”

My old words had repelled. My new words had to inspire.

I started with duct tape. I asked myself whether what I was considering saying would bring me closer to my goal of connection. The answer was usually no, so I stayed quiet. It was an enormous change from being the one who had done all the talking.

I started to listen when he spoke, respect his opinion by saying “I hear you” or “whatever you think” and by trying what he suggested if I’d picked his brain about how to do something.

I stopped managing everything.

I increased my self-care. I hadn’t realized the toll that neglecting myself took on my outlook!

I started to ask myself “How do I feel? What do I want?” I began believing in myself. The 6 Intimacy Skills™ taught me to give myself grace for not having known better all the years before.

Moving one step forward and half a step back, I slowly attracted his attention back.

It is amazing what is possible! I am so happy I had the courage to try one more thing. The connection between us now surprises and delights me as it continues to grow.

My husband asks me to watch TV with him every night, thanks me for making dinner, tells me I look beautiful, and smiles at me. He calls me each work day thinking about me, and he tells me about his day. One of my favorite things is how often he tells me he loves me.

I feel loved and desired once again. I am peaceful, secure and ridiculously happy.

I am full of gratitude for Laura Doyle and the Intimacy Skills. They’ve given me the chance to become the best version of myself and revitalize my wonderful marriage.

The post My Husband Avoids Me appeared first on Laura Doyle.

Finding Your Purpose while Fixing Your Relationship

How to Access the Portal to Living Your Passion

When you have the vague feeling you have a calling in life that you’re not responding to, it’s like having an itch you can’t quite scratch.

Your soul is whispering to you that there’s something you’re here on the planet to do–something important, but how do you find it?

Even worse, when you’re not feeling purposeful, exhilarated or joyful in your work, that will lead to a strain in your relationship.

And if your relationship is struggling, that robs you from accomplishing all you want to do.

In other words, the two pain points are tied together and aggravate each other.

I didn’t realize that when my marriage was struggling. I just thought my husband was a loser pants and that work was hard but I could retire in 40 years (unless I got fired again).

Fortunately, I was wrong about everything.

I haven’t been fired for decades now. I do exhilarating work every day. And my marriage is amazing.

Your broken relationship can be the portal to living your purpose.
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Here are 3 ways to transform your relationship and find your purpose at the same time:

Step 1: Start with Honoring Your Desires

If someone had told me to honor my desires back in the bad old days, I would have rolled my eyes and thought, “You have no idea, buddy!”

Turns out I had no idea myself. I just knew I didn’t want the job I had, or the housework, or the car or the husband. I knew what I didn’t want, and that’s not the same as knowing what you do want. At all.

I would have told you that I had no choice because that was the job I could get, the mess I had to clean, the car I could afford and the man I’d married.

In other words, I would have complained.

Not very empowering, I know. But that’s how I thought back then. I didn’t know any better.

Admitting my desires, much less honoring them, just didn’t seem like a good idea since I thought I was stuck with my circumstances.

But it turns out that just the opposite is true. Knowing what I want and expressing it without control have been vital for making my marriage magical again.

Instead of just hearing me complain, my husband heard opportunities to delight me–and seized them–when I said I wanted ice cream, a new bicycle or to see a Broadway show.

Seeing him respond to my desires so enthusiastically restored my faith in his desire to make me happy.

Seeing how powerful that skill was in my marriage, I decided to do the same thing in my work.

The results blew my mind.

For example, last year I expressed a desire to have my own TV show–at first just to myself. Then I told my husband. Then I shared my desire with my coaches.

The very day I told my coaches, an Emmy-nominated producer approached me about having my own TV show.

Within a few months, I got to make an Amazon Prime series.

I know! I was amazed too! What a dream come true.

Not a bad outcome for knowing what I wanted and being willing to honor it.

I say that not to brag but to show what’s possible for you.

I see it with my clients all the time, who quit their jobs or cut back their hours or switch careers or become relationship coaches as a result of learning the Six Intimacy Skills™.

All because they express their desires.

How did that happen, you might ask?

I’m not sure. Then again, I don’t know how electricity works either. But I know that it does.

Step 2: Think of Your Fear as a Guide

The problem with expressing your desires is it’s scary. It feels vulnerable.

What if, when I shared my dream, someone had said it wasn’t realistic or that I didn’t have the right look for TV or that I say “um” too much to be on the small screen?

It could have been hurtful.

But once I get a desire and I notice myself feeling nervous or anxious about it, or just shying away from wanting to entertain it, I pay close attention to that.

Because it turns out everything I ever wanted requires me to go somewhere unfamiliar–somewhere I’ve never been before.

I know I can’t grow from staying where I am or going where I’ve been before.

So whenever I feel desire and fear together, I see that as a directional urging me to steer that way.

It becomes my GPS.

Public speaking sounds terrifying, so I proceed.

Going on national TV scares the stuffing out of me, so I suit up and show up.

I’ve gone straight along the highway of founding an international coaching organization since that seems intimidating.

Yikes, yikes, and yikes!

Scary stuff. Exhilarating stuff. Thrilling stuff because I care so much about the outcome.

Guess where I learned to be so courageous like that? In my distressed marriage.

Remember the loser pants? I decided to try trusting him even though it seemed pretty obvious that I couldn’t.

But the more I practiced trusting him–even though I worried something bad would happen–the more I saw that choosing my faith instead of my fear got me a better outcome.

My husband started showing up like a competent, capable, smart guy. Like the one I’d fallen in love with.

Seems he wasn’t a loser pants after all. He just has an acute allergy to an overbearing wife.

Step 3: Tell Your Embarrassing Stories

I’m so grateful to get to do the work I do everyday as an author and relationship coach because I love it and I feel so purposeful doing it, but the truth is I had to work for myself because I kept getting fired from my jobs.

If you keep getting fired, that’s one sign you’re not living in your purpose.

And if you think that’s embarrassing, you’re right. It is.

But I’m telling you anyway because this has also been key to my success: admitting things out loud that I feel shameful about.

Shame is the lie that we are separate, but we’re not.

And while you may not have had the lousy experience of being fired or screwing up your marriage, perhaps you have felt utterly fallible in some way too.

Turns out, that’s how it works. Sure I’m a confident, bestselling author and media personality.

I’m also a complete mess sometimes.

And the more I show up like the mess that I sometimes am in my marriage, the more my husband is drawn to me like a magnet to steel.

So I started practicing being vulnerable at home with my husband. I liked how authentic I felt, how relaxed and how loved.

There’s nothing to hide when I’m just being myself.

Then that authentic me started to show up in the rest of the world too.

Granted, I have many detractors. But lots of women tell me that I seem so much like them that we may be the same person. They seem happy about it.

I’m happy about it too. I love the connection I feel with them.

In fact, I love it so much that I’ve surrounded myself with women like you, who want to feel purposeful in their lives and passionate in their relationships. Some women even feel called like I do to carry the message of the Six Intimacy Skills to the women struggling in their communities. These women train with me to learn the Intimacy Skills at the highest level and become powerful relationship coaches who stand shoulder to shoulder with me in the mission to end world divorce.

In June, I’ll start training just 20 committed women who feel called to help other women with their relationships.

If that’s something you’re curious about, I invite you to come to my free course, Purpose, Prosperity, and Intimacy: How to Have All Three and Help Others Have the Same.

If your soul is whispering that there’s something you’re here on the planet to do–something important–and you want to discover it, then I invite you to save your seat by registering now.

I think you’re going to be really glad you came.

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