My Husband Doesn’t Appreciate Me

3 Ways to Get More Love on Wife Appreciation Day

When your husband is on the couch watching TV or staring at his phone while you’re doing the zillionth load of laundry, shuttling your kids around for the fifth time that day or putting in long work hours, it can rub you the wrong way.

Especially if he doesn’t even seem to know how clean underwear magically appear in his drawer.

It would go a long way to know that he sees how hard you work and that he values it.

But it appears he has no idea. He’s not even aware of all it takes to keep your household running smoothly, which makes you feel lonely and taken for granted.

You could tell him, but what would that accomplish? He’d only nod and listen as long as he thought he had to before he could get back to the TV or phone.

Then you’d feel even lonelier and less appreciated.

At least that’s how it went around here back in the bad old days.

Fortunately, there is a much better way to get some recognition from your husband, which all humans need at times.

Here are 3 ways to get more appreciation for all you do:
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1. Create a Culture of Gratitude

Before I learned the 6 Intimacy Skills, I was pretty stingy with appreciating my husband.

I was afraid that if I thanked him for what he was doing, he would think he was doing enough. I didn’t want to send the wrong message.

I also worried that if I thanked him for taking out the trash he would think it was optional and stop doing it, then I’d have to add that to my already too long to-do list.

So I withheld gratitude. I told myself he already knew that I appreciated him anyway.

Of course he worked hard and did a lot of things to lighten my load, but I was busy focusing on what he wasn’t doing that I thought he should be doing, so I didn’t see why I should be grateful.

I now know I can’t be grateful and resentful at the same time.

Choosing gratitude meant I had to give up my resentment, which somehow felt as hard as parting with a precious family heirloom because I was so used to having it.

It wasn’t until I made it a point to find at least three things a day to appreciate about him that I realized I had been completely wrong–about everything.

First, I learned that my husband didn’t know I appreciated him until I started telling him.

I know that sounds obvious when I say it like that, but I couldn’t believe how fast I got a better response when I said I was so happy the trash was emptied or that the kitchen looked so much tidier after he cleaned it or how much I liked the way the yard looked after he trimmed the bushes.

Once I expressed my appreciation, he actually looked for ways to delight me further by putting gas in my car, bringing me a cup of tea or fixing the broken sprinkler.

One husband described this happening at their house also after his wife had been so grateful to him for fixing a broken cabinet. He thought to himself, “What else can I break around here so I can fix that too?”

Seeing my husband put all that effort into making my day sure made me feel like he valued me after all.

But there was more.

The more I appreciated my husband for everyday tasks, the more he started to respond in kind by appreciating me for making dinner and putting away laundry. The result was that we now have a culture of gratitude in our home where we’re always thanking each other.

Talk about feeling valued!

I’m guessing your husband works hard and does a lot too. He may also be longing for some acknowledgment. Again, that’s just human.

Saying things like, “I appreciate you working so hard to support the family,” “Thanks for always taking care of the cars,” or “You’re such a great dad” can go a long way toward creating a culture of gratitude where you both feel appreciated.

If you find yourself feeling resistance to giving appreciation to get appreciation, I totally get it. I felt the same way.

But ultimately I decided that I wanted to be a grateful wife, not a bitter, resentful one. So it was really about me. As a fringe benefit, I got more recognition too.

Win-win!

2. Find Your “I Can’t”

Another block that stood between me and feeling appreciated was this weird habit I had of giving myself responsibilities that no one said I had to do and that I didn’t want to do but I made myself do anyway.

I’d volunteer for all kinds of chores and favors then be stressed out and exhausted afterward.

Then the world looked wrong because I was so depleted. And my husband, who just happened to be there because he lives with me, seemed especially intolerable.

There was no amount of appreciation that could fill my tank in those moments, and I had lots of those depleted times in the bad old days.

I was operating from a cavernous deficit that no bouquets or other sweet gestures could fill.

These days I’m slow to volunteer, am quick to leave dishes in the sink for however long and rarely get into that painful state of self-betrayal.

If someone else asks me to do a task that’s more than I can handle, I use these magical words to decline: “I can’t.”

That phrase has saved me so much grief and so many hostility hangovers that I’m very fond of it.

If I don’t overdraw my energy, I don’t turn into a fire-breathing dragon. It’s that simple.

I’m not perfect though. One time my husband needed a ride to the airport very early on a busy workday. I forgot to say “I can’t.”

Instead, I got overtired and grumpy. It wasn’t pretty.

I shrilly asked him why he had to go so early and pointed out that he wasn’t considerate of my schedule at all. Then I glared at him and fumed in stony silence while he nervously waited for the storm to pass.

I’m sure he wished I had said “I can’t” too.

Using that phrase has meant that I can feel my husband’s appreciation and delight, instead of angrily wondering why I have to be the kitchen elf while he gets to have a good time.

If you haven’t tried saying “I can’t” yet, I highly recommend it.

3. Look for Evidence that Your Husband Appreciates You

Another thing I did that doesn’t work very well is gather evidence that my husband doesn’t appreciate me because he wasn’t showing appreciation the way I thought he should–by telling me so and offering to take on more responsibility.

I don’t recommend that.

What I focus on increases, so if I focus on how he’s not giving me the appreciation that I want, I’ll never get it.

If, however, I decide to focus on whatever small things he is doing to show his gratitude, even if it’s not quite what I had in mind, I immediately feel more seen and recognized.

Therefore, I recommend getting out your magnifying glass and searching for all the evidence you can that he appreciates and loves you.

Maybe he didn’t tell you directly that he appreciated you, but he did tell his brother on the phone that you were working hard. That shows he notices.

It could be something more subtle, like a knowing smile, a simple hug or a momentary backrub.

When I’m keenly focused on how he is appreciating me, even if it’s just him saying thanks when I tell him where his shoes are, I start to feel more appreciated.

How do you know your husband appreciates you?

The post My Husband Doesn’t Appreciate Me appeared first on Laura Doyle.

My Husband Won’t Talk about His Feelings

4 Ways You Can Hear His Heart Message Anyway

It’s natural to want to feel close to your man by sharing your feelings and hearing his feelings too.

But what if he has no idea how to do that?

What if you ask how he’s feeling and he just shrugs and clams up? What if the only feeling he’ll acknowledge is… hunger?

You know he has feelings, but he just won’t talk about them. You wonder if he’s defective and maybe doesn’t even know what he’s feeling, which does not seem healthy.

I used to worry about that with my husband, but then I learned a thing or two about a thing or two.

Now that we have an unbreakable emotional connection, I realize I was going about things all wrong.

Here’s how to know what your husband is feeling.

1. Stop Asking Him How He Feels

I know it seems like a very basic human skill to say how you feel, and sometimes your husband or boyfriend will express a feeling–but rarely when you’re asking him to.

When I used to ask my husband how he felt, he said it made him uncomfortable to be put on the spot like that. He felt like a deer in headlights and couldn’t think of anything.

In other words, it made him defensive, which meant I had a better chance of connecting–which is what I really wanted–if I’d never asked!

Turns out it’s not just my husband. I’ve since learned that women have the gift of emotional brilliance, whereas feelings are not a very comfortable topic for men.

Therefore, turning my inquiry to how I feel has created the connection I crave more than asking him how he feels, which I don’t do anymore.

Why would I? It never got me what I wanted. I hear the same thing from thousands of women I’ve worked with.

2. Give Him the Floor

Another way to find out what’s on your husband’s mind is to make an effort to give him some dedicated air time.

One great way to do that is to say simply “I hear you” when he is talking. Nothing else. Just let him know that you’re paying attention to what he’s saying. You might add “mm hm.”

You may be surprised to hear how much he has to say when you try this exercise, which isn’t as easy as it sounds.

You’ll likely feel tempted to jump in with suggestions or reassurance or to share a similar experience. But if you can manage to only listen, you’ll create emotional safety, which will motivate him to want to open up to you even more.

Listening involves not just accurately hearing what your husband says but also hearing who he is and how he views life, what concerns he has, what he thinks about and more.

It won’t be the same way you think. But learning to respect other styles of thinking also helps you develop a deeper acceptance and appreciation for your own.

3. Listen for His Heart Message

Although it’s often overlooked, listening is a vital skill for emotional connection. One way to listen is to look for a heart message.

A heart message is a statement that sounds like one thing on the surface but means something else when you probe a little deeper.

Your husband may not be explicit about his emotions, but you’ll hear his vulnerability and his truth if you listen carefully.

Heart messages are sometimes hidden under what sounds like a complaint. But if you can develop your skill to hear what’s underneath, you’ll not only have better connection, you’ll feel more loved.

You’ll also create a culture of tenderness and safety.

One woman noticed her husband was grumbling about money a lot and how he had to work so hard to earn it.

At first she was annoyed that he was complaining so much. But then she wisely listened for his heart message. Why would he be complaining about having to work?

She suspected he was trying to say “I don’t feel appreciated.”

Instead of dismissing him or rolling her eyes, she told him how happy and grateful she was that he worked so hard to support the family. She was amazed when her husband immediately relaxed.

He seemed relieved that she got him.

The connection between them grew stronger in that exchange, even though he never said how he felt.

Listening with your heart will not only enhance your marriage, it will improve your relationships with family and friends too.

4. Know that He Feels Deeply Too

Monique told the story of being in a terrible mood and feeling irritated by her husband because he wouldn’t just let her be. Although she had been practicing Intimacy Skills for a while, she was just not at her best that morning.

They had been bickering on and off all morning when she finally said, “Why won’t you just leave me alone?!”

He bravely responded, “Because I’m scared.”

Luckily there was some intimacy in the bank at Monique’s house and he let her know exactly how he felt, but not because she’d asked him.

Even if they don’t talk about it much, my experience is that big, strong men also feel hurt, unappreciated, scared and vulnerable in their relationships. Mine sure did before I learned what I know now about how to have a playful, passionate relationship.

I was slow to realize it, I’m sorry to say.

It was so much easier to restore the connection once I learned how to listen with my heart.

What will you try with your husband to become a better listener?

The post Communication In Marriage appeared first on Laura Doyle.

7 Ways to Be More Attractive to Your Man

(Hint: It’s Not about Your Looks)

If you’re anything like me and most of the women I talk to, you want to feel that your husband desires you–that he finds you magnetic and irresistible.

If, like me, you’ve found yourself feeling entirely resistible to your man, you know how painful that is.

You might think that means it’s time to get highlights, hit the tanning booth and book a Brazilian.

But when I found myself in a miserable marriage, I had to look beyond blonde locks and bronze skin to create irresistibility. What I learned has given me an unfair advantage.

“Don’t move,” my husband said while I was brushing crumbs off the kitchen counter recently. He got out his phone to take my picture, like I’m a supermodel. This is after 28 years of marriage.

Here are 7 hacks that will make you a magnet:
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1. Listen like This

The best conversationalists are good listeners. This magical phrase will make you a great listener.

It’s three words: “I hear you.”

That’s it–not “I hear you and what I think is…” or “I hear you and have you thought about…”

You’re not agreeing. You’re not disagreeing. You’re just bearing witness.

We all have a deep need to be heard and understood, and giving the gift of listening well, without commenting, will make you luminescent to the man you’re listening to.

2. Use the Best Aphrodisiac on the Planet for Men

What’s that? You didn’t know there was an aphrodisiac for men? Well, there is. And I’ll tell you what it is, but you won’t understand at first.

The best aphrodisiac on the planet for men is respect, but not the kind you think of giving to your boss, teacher or parent, where you show deference and obedience.

The kind of respect I’m talking about is where you honor his thinking and admire his accomplishments.

That doesn’t mean you have to agree. But it does mean you don’t sneer or laugh or criticize what he thinks. If you do (and, regrettably, I still do from time to time), it means you apologize for being disrespectful.

Do you have to use that word, disrespectful, you might ask?

That depends.

Do you want an unfair advantage or not?

3. Be Pleasable

Rick Ocasek sang it best: “You’re just what I needed. I needed someone to please.”

If you’re complaining and questioning a lot, then you won’t seem so pleasable.

If you’re open, receptive and down for an adventure, you’re going to seem special.

Like the woman whose man led them down the wrong street to the restaurant he said he was taking her to. Instead of correcting him when he said, “Let’s go this way,” she decided to enjoy the walk together and said, “Whatever you think.”

She was surprised and delighted when they stumbled upon a live band playing on that “wrong” street. It made the night magical and enchanting instead of practical and to the point.

4. Look Smoking Hot

You are never hotter than when you’re laughing, smiling, singing and dancing.

Those are all signs that you’re happy, which is something men care deeply about. I’ve asked thousands of men how important it is that their date/girlfriend/wife is happy, and they all say the same thing: “It’s everything. It’s the most important thing.”

In the UK, they say, “It’s imperative.”

When he sees you having a great time, he will feel successful. All you have to do is have the great time and inform your face about it. You might even consider a smile campaign, or smiling at everyone you see, which is better than Botox for making you appealing.

As one woman sat at dinner just smiling and listening instead of talking, she was amazed when her husband said, “Did you ever think we’d be so happy?”

5. Appreciate Him

What is it you like about him? If you appreciate his humor, his sense of style, him driving to pick you up, say so. It won’t make you seem desperate. It will make you seem grateful, which is attractive. It will let him know how to please you, which will make him feel successful around you.

Like the woman who complimented the AV guy on his work at the conference she attended. “You liked it?” he asked, and quickly followed with, “Are you going to be back tomorrow? Can I get your phone number?”

6. Trust Him

You might be tempted to ask him what time the movie starts so you can calculate how long it will take to get there so you don’t miss the beginning of the show. Instead, consider trusting your guy to get you there.

He has managed to get to things on time without you. No need to show that you’re not sure he can pull it off. Your faith in him will make him more manly and more attracted to your womanliness.

7. Be Fascinating

The University of Toronto conducted a study where they concluded–and this may be shocking–that women are more emotional than men.

That confirms what we’ve all known for a long time: Women have emotional brilliance. Men depend on us to bring that to the relationship.

In particular, your vulnerability creates the fascination that leads to lasting commitment. The more vulnerable you are, the more fascinating. That means undefended, not perfectly put together.

It means you need help sometimes and fall apart other times.

It means there’s room in your life for a man to make a contribution because your goal is not independence–it’s interdependence.

That’s what makes you irresistible.

Which of these irresistibility hacks will you try this week?

The post 7 Ways to Be More Attractive appeared first on Laura Doyle.

Finding Your Purpose while Fixing Your Relationship

How to Access the Portal to Living Your Passion

When you have the vague feeling you have a calling in life that you’re not responding to, it’s like having an itch you can’t quite scratch.

Your soul is whispering to you that there’s something you’re here on the planet to do–something important, but how do you find it?

Even worse, when you’re not feeling purposeful, exhilarated or joyful in your work, that will lead to a strain in your relationship.

And if your relationship is struggling, that robs you from accomplishing all you want to do.

In other words, the two pain points are tied together and aggravate each other.

I didn’t realize that when my marriage was struggling. I just thought my husband was a loser pants and that work was hard but I could retire in 40 years (unless I got fired again).

Fortunately, I was wrong about everything.

I haven’t been fired for decades now. I do exhilarating work every day. And my marriage is amazing.

Your broken relationship can be the portal to living your purpose.
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Here are 3 ways to transform your relationship and find your purpose at the same time:

Step 1: Start with Honoring Your Desires

If someone had told me to honor my desires back in the bad old days, I would have rolled my eyes and thought, “You have no idea, buddy!”

Turns out I had no idea myself. I just knew I didn’t want the job I had, or the housework, or the car or the husband. I knew what I didn’t want, and that’s not the same as knowing what you do want. At all.

I would have told you that I had no choice because that was the job I could get, the mess I had to clean, the car I could afford and the man I’d married.

In other words, I would have complained.

Not very empowering, I know. But that’s how I thought back then. I didn’t know any better.

Admitting my desires, much less honoring them, just didn’t seem like a good idea since I thought I was stuck with my circumstances.

But it turns out that just the opposite is true. Knowing what I want and expressing it without control have been vital for making my marriage magical again.

Instead of just hearing me complain, my husband heard opportunities to delight me–and seized them–when I said I wanted ice cream, a new bicycle or to see a Broadway show.

Seeing him respond to my desires so enthusiastically restored my faith in his desire to make me happy.

Seeing how powerful that skill was in my marriage, I decided to do the same thing in my work.

The results blew my mind.

For example, last year I expressed a desire to have my own TV show–at first just to myself. Then I told my husband. Then I shared my desire with my coaches.

The very day I told my coaches, an Emmy-nominated producer approached me about having my own TV show.

Within a few months, I got to make this Amazon Prime series.

I know! I was amazed too! What a dream come true.

Not a bad outcome for knowing what I wanted and being willing to honor it.

I say that not to brag but to show what’s possible for you.

I see it with my clients all the time, who quit their jobs or cut back their hours or switch careers or become relationship coaches as a result of learning the Six Intimacy Skills™.

All because they express their desires.

How did that happen, you might ask?

I’m not sure. Then again, I don’t know how electricity works either. But I know that it does.

Step 2: Think of Your Fear as a Guide

The problem with expressing your desires is it’s scary. It feels vulnerable.

What if, when I shared my dream, someone had said it wasn’t realistic or that I didn’t have the right look for TV or that I say “um” too much to be on the small screen?

It could have been hurtful.

But once I get a desire and I notice myself feeling nervous or anxious about it, or just shying away from wanting to entertain it, I pay close attention to that.

Because it turns out everything I ever wanted requires me to go somewhere unfamiliar–somewhere I’ve never been before.

I know I can’t grow from staying where I am or going where I’ve been before.

So whenever I feel desire and fear together, I see that as a directional urging me to steer that way.

It becomes my GPS.

Public speaking sounds terrifying, so I proceed.

Going on national TV scares the stuffing out of me, so I suit up and show up.

I’ve gone straight along the highway of founding an international coaching organization since that seems intimidating.

Yikes, yikes, and yikes!

Scary stuff. Exhilarating stuff. Thrilling stuff because I care so much about the outcome.

Guess where I learned to be so courageous like that? In my distressed marriage.

Remember the loser pants? I decided to try trusting him even though it seemed pretty obvious that I couldn’t.

But the more I practiced trusting him–even though I worried something bad would happen–the more I saw that choosing my faith instead of my fear got me a better outcome.

My husband started showing up like a competent, capable, smart guy. Like the one I’d fallen in love with.

Seems he wasn’t a loser pants after all. He just has an acute allergy to an overbearing wife.

Step 3: Tell Your Embarrassing Stories

I’m so grateful to get to do the work I do everyday as an author and relationship coach because I love it and I feel so purposeful doing it, but the truth is I had to work for myself because I kept getting fired from my jobs.

If you keep getting fired, that’s one sign you’re not living in your purpose.

And if you think that’s embarrassing, you’re right. It is.

But I’m telling you anyway because this has also been key to my success: admitting things out loud that I feel shameful about.

Shame is the lie that we are separate, but we’re not.

And while you may not have had the lousy experience of being fired or screwing up your marriage, perhaps you have felt utterly fallible in some way too.

Turns out, that’s how it works. Sure I’m a confident, bestselling author and media personality.

I’m also a complete mess sometimes.

And the more I show up like the mess that I sometimes am in my marriage, the more my husband is drawn to me like a magnet to steel.

So I started practicing being vulnerable at home with my husband. I liked how authentic I felt, how relaxed and how loved.

There’s nothing to hide when I’m just being myself.

Then that authentic me started to show up in the rest of the world too.

Granted, I have many detractors. But lots of women tell me that I seem so much like them that we may be the same person. They seem happy about it.

I’m happy about it too. I love the connection I feel with them.

In fact, I love it so much that I’ve surrounded myself with women like you, who want to feel purposeful in their lives and passionate in their relationships. Some women even feel called like I do to carry the message of the Six Intimacy Skills to the women struggling in their communities. These women train with me to learn the Intimacy Skills at the highest level and become powerful relationship coaches who stand shoulder to shoulder with me in the mission to end world divorce.

Later this month, I’ll start training just 20 committed women who feel called to help other women with their relationships.

If that’s something you’re curious about, I invite you to come to a free Relationship Coach Training call with me on Friday, October 6th at 6 p.m. Pacific/9 p.m. Eastern time. I’d love to hear what your heart is telling you and what your vision is to see if joining this upcoming training might be right for you.

If your soul is whispering that there’s something you’re here on the planet to do–something important–and you want to discover it, then I invite you to save your seat in this free Q&A Call with me now.

I think you’re going to be really glad you came.

The post Finding Your Purpose while Fixing Your Relationship appeared first on Laura Doyle.

My Husband Cheated on Me

How to Recover when You Discover Something You Wish Weren’t True

When your worst fears are confirmed and you find out your husband has cheated, it’s completely devastating.

News of that betrayal likely brings up fury, deep hurt and even hopelessness.

To make things even worse, he may try to deny it or react with hostility at the mere accusation of cheating, even though–or maybe because–he is guilty as charged.

It’s normal to want to punish him so he knows how much he hurt you.

It’s also normal not to know what to do. You don’t want to feel like a fool, and you already do.

Some friends will tell you to leave him as soon as possible, that his crime is unforgivable.

But what if you’re not ready for life as you know it to end?

What if you want to keep your family together?

Here are 4 expert-approved actions to take when your man has cheated.
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1. Ask Yourself if You Want to Stay Married

Yes, he’s a complete jerk and a terrible person right now. You might wonder why anyone would want to stay married to someone like that.

But it’s not always easy to throw away the man you committed to for life in front of God and everybody.

There were a lot of good reasons you married him, and with all that time invested there may be even more reasons to stay with him.

Maybe you don’t want your kids to have a broken home.

Maybe you don’t believe in divorce, or maybe you just don’t want one.

Maybe you still love your husband.

Or maybe, under the mountain of pain you’re feeling, is the inkling that this is all a mistake and the man you truly belong with is deeply confused but the story isn’t over and you can somehow put things right.

Maybe you have faith despite this terrible blow. I admire that.

If the answer to the question “Do I want to stay married to him?” is yes, that doesn’t make you crazy or stupid. It makes you courageous.

If the answer is no, that is also completely understandable. I can see why you feel that way. This is probably not the blog for you, but I wish you well with your divorce and I’m sorry for the pain you’re in and for the loss of your family.

2. Ask Yourself Again Tomorrow

Now that we have that settled, it’s not really settled. The same question will probably come up again tomorrow, more than once.

That’s okay–you can keep asking yourself what you want as a way to stay tuned into your deepest desires so you can follow them.

One woman who repaired her marriage despite her husband’s ongoing affair asked herself if she wanted to stay married to her husband on the day she found out and every day thereafter, until he came back to her 18 months later.

For her the answer was always yes, and today her marriage is stronger than ever.

The point is that you don’t have to decide once and for all. You can make your choices as you go along, knowing that there will be plenty of ups and downs in your journey.

It’s your indisputable right to change your mind. You’re not trapped in this marriage–you get to choose it every day.

Keep tuning in so you’ll know how you feel and what you want.

3. Kick and Scream and Cry (but Not at Him)

Of course you’re hurting and angry and sad! It’s a big deal to find that the ground you’re walking on isn’t as solid as you once believed.

Those excruciating feelings deserve to come out and have their day in the sun, but your husband doesn’t need to be the one who witnesses them.

Get a relationship coach, join my Facebook group, write in your journal, or tell a bartender or your AA sponsor, your rabbi or priest the whole sad story.

Your feelings are valid. You’re hurting and you’re human. We all need to be heard and understood–especially you, especially now.

Having some safe outlets will help you avoid blowing up or melting down at your husband.

Your instinct may be that he deserves those blowups and meltdowns.

But it’s not him I’m concerned about right now; it’s you I’m thinking about.

My blowups and meltdowns were a release in the short run but never made me feel better in the long run. I ended up with an emotional hangover and the remorse of knowing I couldn’t take any of it back. I didn’t feel very dignified either.

Even though I wanted to let my husband have it, I didn’t like who I became in those moments, and they never got me closer to the kind of marriage I wanted.

4. See the Possibilities

You could also share your feelings with close friends or family, but consider doing so cautiously. When you share the hurtful things your husband has done, often those closest to you, who want to protect you, will say “You should leave him.”

One woman asked her husband to leave only after several friends told her she should, but she came to regret that decision when she realized that what she wanted most was to save her marriage.

I’ve heard from many women who regretted telling their husbands to leave but never from one who regretted letting him stay.

I have also heard from many women who have used the 6 Intimacy Skills to restore her marriage to playful and passionate after an affair. Even when the cheating husband wasn’t ready to stop. Even though he said he he didn’t love her anymore. Even when he insisted he was divorcing her.

These women report their marriages are better than ever and that the cheating does not define their marriage because their connection and commitment are now so strong.

That’s possible for you too. You may feel powerless right now, but so much of what happens in your marriage as a result of this crisis is up to you.

As Norman Vincent Peale wrote, “No matter how dark things seem to be or actually are, raise your sights and see possibilities–always see them, for they’re always there.”

The post My Husband Cheated on Me appeared first on Laura Doyle.

I’m Not in Love with My Husband

3 Ways to Bring Back the Sizzle Even if You’re Not Feeling It

When you’re falling in love, you’re temporarily insane.

You didn’t even notice things like bad breath or that he has ESPN on all the time or slurps his cereal.

But years into marriage, you not only notice unattractive things about him, you’ve completely lost sight of whatever it was you saw in him.

Why did you marry this guy again?

He’s put on weight. He spends all his spare time on the couch. He’s too harsh with the kids.

All of that takes a toll on how you feel about him.

You don’t want to admit it out loud, but you’re searching Google for some kind of answer because this is not the marriage you envisioned and you want to know your options (i.e., escape route).

You wish you could admire your husband and feel excited about him. But how can you if you’re feeling repulsed?

Here are 3 ways to make your man more exciting and bring back that loving feeling.
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1. Drop and Do 10 (Gratitudes)

Jasmine felt the same way about her husband, Aladdin.

The guy seemed exciting and resourceful in the beginning, what with the genie and all, but now that they had three kids and a busy work week, she was not impressed with his pet monkey, and the idea of taking a family of five somewhere on a magic carpet seemed totally impractical.

Why couldn’t he get a reliable car like normal husbands?

Who can relate?

At the end of her rope, Jasmine was ready to do something drastic. She dragged Al to marriage counseling, where the therapist affirmed that she was the good spouse and Aladdin was off in la-la land.

Unfortunately, that didn’t give Jasmine what she really wanted, which was to feel special, to feel safe and to have a husband she admired.

Jasmine wished she were married to someone more practical and down to earth, and suddenly…she was!

Without warning, Al turned into a different man. There was no sign of the monkey, and instead of a magic carpet, he drove a sensible sedan. Rather than dreaming about the future, he was always looking at accounting software.

Now Jasmine missed the adventurous man she had married. She regretted taking his playfulness for granted and wondered where her fearless husband had gone.

Sure, life was more predictable and less chaotic, but it wasn’t as exhilarating or interesting as it had been.

Jasmine realized she had been taking her husband’s good qualities for granted just because she lived with them. Familiarity had bred contempt.

Beside herself with regret, Jasmine wanted to undo her wish, and the genie gave her the formula to do just that: Drop and do 10. Ten gratitudes for her husband.

“What did you appreciate about Al?” he asked.

Jasmine listed all the things–his sense of humor, his willingness to sacrifice for his family, his strength, his ability to create magic–and on and on, until she had at least 10 things she loved about Al.

And just like that, he was back–the man she’d fallen in love with.

This is obviously a fictionalized scenario, but it’s one I’ve seen many times.

To get back to feeling in love with your man, why not drop and do 10 gratitudes for him?

You had plenty of good reasons to marry him. What are they?

2. Relinquish Control of His Decisions

I have a world-famous system for relinquishing control of your husband, which I’ve been practicing for years, but sometimes I’m still tempted to tell my husband, John, what to do.

Like recently, when he had the chance to get a big client for his business. I thought he should jump on it! But he didn’t. I couldn’t understand why he would pass up the additional income.

I’m not proud to say I wondered if he was just too lazy to jump through the requisite hoops to get the gig.

A few days later, John reminded me the person he would be working with was difficult at times. He wasn’t excited to answer to that person.

From my standpoint, it seemed so easy. Just get the shiny new client and make lots of money!

But from John’s perspective, the new client was going to be a pain, something he didn’t want in his life.

I felt admiration for my husband, who didn’t want to kowtow to an overbearing honcho. That struck me as masculine strength, which I find attractive.

All of a sudden I thought it was sexy that he wasn’t going for that client. Such self-confidence!

Letting your husband make decisions for himself without weighing in or advising him can help you remember what you liked about this guy back in the day.

3. Be the Goddess of Fun and Light

You’re tired from your workday, folding laundry, making dinner and helping out with homework. Is there any man anywhere who could make you happy in this moment? Or would you find fault with Ryan Reynolds right now?

If your husband isn’t measuring up, could it be that your ruler needs adjusting?

The way to adjust it is to have a girl’s night out, watch a movie you love or boogie in the kitchen–or all three in one day.

If you’re not having frivolous fun, life gets dreary, and your husband starts to seem like the cause of all that’s wrong in the world.

Chances are that he’s just a mere mortal man who happens to be nearby when you get out of sorts, as all mere mortal women do from time to time.

Getting pretty nails, playing guitar or riding your bike could cure all of that and remind you that your husband has that cute dimple on his chin, sparkly eyes or the cute butt you like so much.

You just forgot. That happens when you’ve forgotten you’re the Goddess of Fun and Light, who loves to have a good time and married the perfect partner in crime to help her do just that.

What a difference a day of self-care makes.

Speaking of frivolous fun, I plan to get pumped up with endorphins from playing volleyball tonight, which always gives me the perspecticles to see the things I like about my husband..

What will you do today to make yourself ridiculously happy so you can see the best qualities in your man?

The post I’m Not in Love with My Husband appeared first on Laura Doyle.

How to Fix My Husband

The Instruction Manual You Always Wanted

When your man is making bad decisions, it drags you down.

It’s like he’s broken, and since your fates are tied together by matrimony, that’s a lot of weight you’re pulling when your hands are already full.

You’d like him to start contributing more, so it’s logical to try to help him improve.

You’ve tried encouraging him and telling him where to focus his efforts or what he needs to do differently, but nothing changes.

You’ve tried giving him suggestions and teaching him what you know, but he doesn’t make much effort and you’re afraid he never will.

He continues to complain and seem depressed, distant or angry all the time. It’s incredibly discouraging.

And here you are, reading this post trying to fix it, even though you’re already doing all the work in this relationship. At least it feels that way.

I still remember how painful that is.

Turns out, there is something you can do that works, but it’s probably not what you think.

Here are 3 effective ways you can fix your husband.
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1. Look for Ways He’s Succeeding

Your husband has many shortcomings, and right now, some of them are glaring.

Maybe he’s not helping out and it’s leaving you overwhelmed with too much work.

Or it could be that he’s a negative or hostile force causing unnecessary conflict in your home.

It could be that he’s just not doing the simple things you need in order to feel loved, like telling you he loves you or offering a kiss and a hug.

But your husband is also doing something right.

How do I know?

Nobody gets everything wrong 100% of the time. It isn’t possible.

He may be a jerk with the kids, but perhaps he’s also keeping an impeccable yard.

He could be wasting hours playing video games every day, but he is also working hard to support the family.

Or maybe he’s cold and distant, but he also cooks dinner some nights.

You might be wondering what focusing on the yard, the paycheck and the dinners has to do with what you’re missing from him, the things you need that are so much more important and so painful not to have.

Here’s the connection: Everyone needs acknowledgment. Without it, people get defensive, and when they’re defensive they’re not their best selves.

Just noticing his efforts to make your life better, however small, will do two great things: First, it will help you shift your focus to what you want instead of what you don’t want.

As a fringe benefit, he’ll feel appreciated and likely respond to you better.

If, like me, you’ve already tried the other way, where you tell him everything he’s doing wrong, and it didn’t work, what could it hurt to experiment with a novel approach?

What you focus on increases, so this a powerful way to change your experience for the better.

2. Treat “The Truth” as a Lie

One very practical way to change your focus is to come up with a Spouse-Fulfilling Prophecy.

Start with your major complaint, like “My husband isn’t affectionate,” “He’s verbally abusive,” or “He’s irresponsible with money.”

Now let’s turn it upside down to make it the experience you want to be having: “He’s very affectionate,” “He’s a gentleman,” or “He’s savvy with money,” for example.

Next, use the word “you” to start the sentence, as in “You’re very affectionate.” Write that down and read it to yourself. Start saying it to yourself and to him.

If you’re anything like me, it feels like a lie and your complaint feels like “The Truth.”

But the truth is pretty squishy, depending on your perspective.

As Shakespeare wrote, “There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.”

Thinking that your husband has a tragic flaw can contribute to making it so, in other words.

What if you pretend that “The Truth” is a lie and look for evidence to the contrary? Has he ever been affectionate, spoken gently or made a sound financial decision?

Of course he has. And if you open your eyes a little wider, you can find evidence that he is affectionate, gentle and responsible with money.

Trina’s main complaint was that her husband didn’t care about her. She had plenty of evidence for this, starting with how he never fixed any of the things that were making her crazy around the house and never noticed all the work she did, much less offered to help!

She came up with the Spouse-Fulfilling Prophecy “You take such good care of me.”

When she first said it to him, she felt like a big faker. But not long after, when she was called for jury duty for a long trial far away, her husband offered to take her to the courthouse every day so she wouldn’t have to make the drive by herself.

She almost rejected that offer because she thought it was too much driving for him, but she caught herself and decided to receive.

When she thanked him, he responded by saying, “Of course. I always take good care of you.”

3. Resign from the Job of Fixing Him

Michaela’s husband, Tim, complained about his work almost every day. Being a therapist by trade and wanting to be a supportive wife, she listened sympathetically and asked questions to draw him out.

When he didn’t take any action to change his work situation, she grew weary of the conversation and wished he would just do something already so she wouldn’t have to keep listening to his heart-wrenching problems.

She realized that she had volunteered for a job she didn’t want: the job of fixing her husband. It was draining, it didn’t seem to be helping him and the pay was terrible.

The next time the topic came up, she listened briefly then said, “You’re so strong. You’ll figure this out” and changed the subject.

The conversation started coming up less. Not long after that, Tim told Michaela he planned to make a career change and was looking into some options.

She was amazed that honoring herself not only saved her from feeling drained but also prompted action by her husband, who was capable of fixing himself.

Your man can fix himself too, and there’s something magical about trusting him to do that.

Therefore, consider resigning as his mother, life coach, therapist, business consultant or parenting expert.

You might wonder how you’ll ever get the things you want by changing your focus, acting as if he’s already the way you want him to be, or trusting him to run his own life.

That’s exactly what this blog is all about–you getting the support, the connection and the passion you’re craving.

And that’s exactly what I see happen again and again when women who are struggling in troubled relationships try these experiments.

Which of these 3 “fixes” will you experiment with this week? I’d love to hear in the comments below.

The post How to Fix My Husband appeared first on Laura Doyle.

Conflict Resolution in Marriage

How to End Wall-to-Wall Hostility in a Hurry

When you’re fighting, bickering and snapping at each other, you just want it to stop.

You want him to understand where you’re coming from and make him realize that it’s ridiculous to keep arguing.

Or else you find yourself imagining how nice it would be to be alone, with no one contradicting or finding fault with everything you say.

You’d also love an apology and some assurance that he’ll stop causing so many conflicts with you, the kids, the neighbors and everyone else who crosses his path.

Most of all, you want a peaceful house. But how?

You can singlehandedly cultivate the calm you crave.

Here are the 3 secrets to conflict resolution in marriage.
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1. Let Him Know You’re Listening

Coach Sue recalls desperately wanting to buy a house with her husband shortly after their wedding and having plenty of disagreements about it.

The house she loved was getting away while he was brooding over his concerns.

What she heard him saying was “I don’t want to move forward with this,” which she took to mean “I don’t want to move forward with you.”

Terrified that this conflict represented a huge schism that could break them apart so early in their marriage, she tried to convince him that they should just buy the house. However, things only got more tense and unpleasant between them.

They went on that way for months, until Sue decided to take a different approach.

The next time her husband started enumerating his concerns about them buying a house together, instead of defending, debating or dismissing, Sue just listened to what he was saying.

When he finished explaining, she calmly used this magical phrase: “I hear you.”

And she meant it. She had really listened to his words without racing into the future and worrying or pointing out where his thinking was flawed.

That’s when she saw her husband relax for the first time in months as he sighed with relief and said sincerely, “Thank you!” He looked so grateful to be heard and understood.

She realized that his thinking wasn’t as threatening as she had built it up to be in her head. What he said even made sense now that she was listening without the agenda of making him wrong.

After that, Sue had a different take on the house purchase. As she spent more time considering her husband’s input, the entire process went more effortlessly. Soon enough, they were the proud owners of a wonderful, peaceful new home.

Consider giving your husband airtime by truly listening to him without commenting–no agreement or disagreement. Just honor his words with your listening ear.

Simply letting him know that you hear what he’s saying, that what he says is important to you, will work wonders in restoring the peace.

Even if you’re fighting 23 hours a day, you’ll be amazed how quickly this will relieve tension.

2. Say How You (Really) Feel

When Jessica’s husband woke up on the wrong side of the bed one morning and had only negative, mean-spirited things to say, she felt like she couldn’t win.

Finally, she pointed out that he was grumpy because he’d been drinking the night before.

That did not help matters. At all.

They exchanged hurtful barbs nonstop all morning, and Jessica was furious at him for taking his bad mood out on her.

A student of the 6 Intimacy Skills™, Jessica decided to regroup and ask herself how she felt and what she wanted.

The answer was that she felt mad! Her husband seemed like the biggest jerk on the continent.

She wanted to tell him exactly how she felt: attacked and unsafe. But she knew those weren’t actually feelings–just thinly veiled blame and criticism. So she wisely said nothing for the moment and again asked herself what was true for her.

She realized that under her anger was…hurt. And loneliness, as she longed to feel close to her husband again.

To clean up her part getting in the way of that closeness, first she apologized for being disrespectful when she had criticized him for drinking.

Then, since saying he had hurt her would just be criticizing him again, she simply said, “I’m lonely and I miss you.”

Her husband apologized too, for being a jerk. He hugged her reassuringly, and just like that the connection was back.

3. Let Him Listen to His Own Conscience

Marla had been using the Intimacy Skills for a while and the fighting in her marriage was way down, but sometimes she still saw her husband having heartbreaking conflict with their kids.

The day he yelled obscenities at their teenage son, she was horrified.

Drawing on her faith that her husband was a good man, she chose to see him for the mere mortal parent that he is.

She wanted to support her husband in what appeared to be a very low moment for him, even as she was feeling heartbroken for their son.

She knew that this swearing tyrant was not the man her husband aspired to be, so she did something that surprised even her: She gave him a hug.

Then she went off in search of self-care to distract her from the conflict between her man and her man-child.

No one was more surprised than Marla when, just a few minutes later, the conflict was over. Her husband was sitting on the bed with their son, speaking quietly, and they were both crying!

By showing support for her husband and then stepping aside instead of trying to mend this conflict, Marla left room for him to hear his own conscience.

Apparently, it had spoken very loudly that he owed their teenager an apology because that’s what he did. Then the teenager apologized too!

Marla was filled with admiration for her husband having the humility and strength to admit his failings and ask forgiveness, and her mama heart swelled that he treated their son with such gentleness afterward.

Which of these secrets will you experiment with next time there’s a conflict at your house? I’d love to hear in the comments section below.

The post Conflict Resolution in Marriage appeared first on Laura Doyle.

Power Struggles in Marriage

3 Steps to End the Exhausting Tug of War Forever

When every negotiation at your house feels like a battle, you waste a lot of energy.

Whether it’s about how to handle a baby who won’t sleep, a budget that doesn’t add up, or a growing mess in the house, it takes a lot longer to accomplish things when you have to debate and argue about them first.

Instead of feeling light and energized, you’re already tired before breakfast when you’ve had a back and forth about who should drive the kids, walk the dog or stop spending so much.

You just want to be logical and do what makes sense to solve the problem, but your husband doesn’t see it the same way, or he won’t talk about it or do things the way you need them done.

This is not teamwork–this is an endless argument, most of it petty. But how do you stop the tug of war when nothing you say seems to make any difference?

Here are 3 steps to end the power struggle with your spouse and still get what you want.
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1. Look for the Hero

Alexa and her husband, Tom, had a longstanding power struggle around planning family vacations.

She started by pointing out that they hadn’t been on vacation for ages and that they never did things together as a family, so she thought they should visit an area a day’s drive away.

Tom responded with a noncommittal shrug and reminded her that he didn’t like driving long distances.

To Alexa, that meant he expected her to do all the driving, which seemed completely unfair.

She explained why he should be willing to drive his family on a vacation at least once a year and that logically he couldn’t expect her to do all the driving.

As Alexa started planning the trip, Tom seemed to find fault with every suggestion. He obviously didn’t even want to go.

She couldn’t understand why he didn’t want to be a good husband and father who saw sights, hiked and relaxed with his family!

This clash had been going on so long that Alexa felt anxiety and pain just thinking about a family trip. “I know he’s going to drag his feet, and it would mean so much to me if he would just support my efforts to take a vacation.”

This issue came up every year, but in the meantime they also had power struggles about how much he worked, how often he missed family dinner and who should have to go to parent-teacher conferences.

Alexa couldn’t understand why her husband was so removed and unwilling to show up for their family. Exhausted with the status quo, she decided to do something completely different: She started with looking for the hero in her husband as part of practicing the 6 Intimacy SkillsTM.

At first, it wasn’t easy to see past all his glaring deficiencies. But she reluctantly admitted that he worked to support the family, helped the kids with their homework and was great about making sure the cars were maintained.

Her instinct was to rebut that list to point out his faults, but as an experiment she decided to forgo this temptation and stay focused on what he was doing right.

She expressed her appreciation and happiness to Tom about his strengths. That’s when a funny thing happened: He stopped taking his food to the TV room to eat–like he had been for years–and started showing up for family dinner the way she’d always wanted.

Alexa was quick to tell him how much she loved having his company at dinner. Soon, eating together as a family in the evenings became the norm.

This seemed like a miracle to Alexa.

But what about those teacher conferences and especially the family vacations, she wondered?

2. Say What You Want

Alexa realized that she had fallen into the habit of complaining and trying to reason with her husband in their negotiations instead of giving him the vital information that he needed to make her happy: what she wanted.

At first, she was able to come up only with what she didn’t want: She didn’t want him to work so much. She didn’t want to have to do all the driving on the vacations. She didn’t want to go to those dreaded teacher conferences alone.

All of that would have landed as the same tired complaints her husband had heard from her for years.

It took some real effort to figure out what she did want.

She realized that she would love to go on weekend getaways in addition to the annual vacation. She would also love to relax on the way. And she would love help with the stressful teacher conferences.

When she expressed those desires to her husband, she was amazed at how quickly he responded.

First, he offered to handle teacher conferences himself so she didn’t have to go.

She couldn’t believe her ears.

Alexa felt some anxiety come up and realized that she was attached to how their family was represented at the school. If she didn’t go to the conference, how could she make sure they gave the right impression?

After noticing that fear coming up, she decided to trust that her husband would represent their family well. So she stayed home while he went to meet with the teachers, and she found great relief in relinquishing that job to her husband.

3. Let Him Know When He Makes You Happy

What about the loaded topic of family vacations?

As Alexa maintained her focus on all that her husband was doing right and kept saying what she wanted instead of complaining, a shift happened at their house.

No longer were there nightly power struggles.

He wasn’t working as much and he seemed to be enjoying their family time together.

Then, he initiated and planned an entire week-long family vacation, a road trip to a beautiful national park.

Alexa was clear that this never would have happened prior to her practicing the Intimacy Skills.

Even more surprising, the question of who would drive them never came up. Tom drove the entire time.

Alexa felt some guilt knowing that he didn’t like driving long distances. She was tempted to offer to drive half the time, but instead she trusted him to speak up if he wanted a break from driving.

Then she focused on singing, chatting and telling Tom how great he was for driving them and how happy it made her. Somehow, he never did say he wanted help with the driving.

Instead of complaining about all the driving he had to do, he beamed at how happy he was making his wife.

That was the first of many such travels. And at home, Alexa and Tom now spend more time snuggling than power struggling.

The post Power Struggles in Marriage appeared first on Laura Doyle.

Working with Your Spouse

3 Secrets to Succeeding in Business and Love with the Same Person

When you work with your spouse, it can be too much togetherness. Plus, if you don’t see things the same way, it often creates tension both at work and at home.

There’s no pressure relief when the work conversation goes on through dinner. And no escaping the problems at home when you leave for work either.

This can stress your marriage big time–or it can be a great way to keep more money in the family and spend more time with the person you chose as your partner in life.

Having experienced it both ways, I’m grateful to know what makes all the difference.

Here are 3 secrets to succeeding while working with your spouse.
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My husband John and I are both entrepreneurs who work from home.

In the early days, I wanted to manage my husband like an employee by telling him which projects to prioritize and how to do them.

Not that I was very qualified to do this, mind you, unless you count getting fired from my job.

I was then going to help him count all the money after he did what I told him to, but that never happened.

He resisted my instructions mightily, and our business ventures floundered. Our personal finances were in chaos.

My marriage was in trouble too, for the same reason. I had become a porcupine wife he mostly avoided.

I thought the problems were because he was so uncooperative–never that I was overbearing. I believed I was smarter than him so it only made sense for me to “help” him.

I didn’t know that “helpful” in wife language is “critical” in husband language or that fear lurked beneath my urge to control the smart man I’d married.

I had no idea I could choose my faith over my fear in those moments, but now that I have a world-famous system for doing just that, I see the direct connection between the steps that revitalized my failing marriage and the dramatic improvement in our bottom line.

Here are the life-changing things I did that helped us both succeed:

1. I Stayed Out of His Business to Focus on Mine

When I was the armchair quarterback of my husband’s business, I wasn’t tending to my own life, which was like a car going down the street with no one behind the wheel.

It turns out there was a good reason I was avoiding my life: I was scared to show up for it.

When I switched my focus from his life to mine, abundance emerged. I was called to write a controversial book, which got me lots of hate mail but also became a NY Times bestseller translated into 19 languages in 30 countries.

Dateline NBC did an investigative report on my methods, which was terrifying (national TV–yikes!) and thrilling because the book shot up to #1 on Amazon and launched a worldwide movement. Next I was invited to give live talks, which I’d never done before, and I started an international relationship coaching company–also the source of free-floating terror.

I’m not sure if my calling will ever get less scary. Most recently, I was hyperventilating on the phone to my sister while preparing to film season 1 of my own TV series on Amazon Prime.

No wonder I just wanted to focus on what my husband was doing. That seemed less risky, but it was also less thrilling.

Now I know if something is utterly terrifying, it’s probably a good sign that I’m supposed to do it. That’s been my GPS for success the last couple of decades.

When I’m tempted to manage my husband’s life, I’m probably avoiding the next big thing in this adventurous mission I’m on to end world divorce.

My husband also ended up being very successful with his business when I gave him the space and respect to make decisions as he saw fit. Who knew?

Now when we work together, I just stay in my lane and admire the good work he does in his.

2. I Asked My Husband for Help With My Business

Even though I forgot for a while, John is wicked smart and wants me to be happy. He has my back, so he’s a fantastic resource for business advice. I’m constantly asking to borrow his brain.

In the bad old days, he would make suggestions and if I didn’t agree I would shoot them down, leaving us both frustrated and drained.

These days I know that I can listen to his ideas and if they don’t sit right with me, that just means I need to keep saying what I want or ask for more help.

For example, for a while now, my videographer husband has been expressing his view that my business would be well served to have a presence on YouTube. That sounded great to me on paper and, as a writer, paper is where I’m most comfortable. But I couldn’t imagine what the visuals would be for my videos. Actors? Illustrations? Hand puppets?

So I said what was true for me, which is “I would love that! And I don’t know what to show on those videos.”

John collected the videos that I already had but hadn’t crossed my mind, and he put them together for me. There are a few clips from my Cherished for Life Weekend up now, along with my recent media appearances and a preview of my Amazon series. Voilà: I have a YouTube channel.

(Cue “You Are the Wind Beneath My Wings.”)

3. I Focused on What I Wanted More Of

Long before my husband started his business, I had unwittingly been repeating a negative Spouse-Fulfilling Prophecy about how he could make more money if he would ask for a raise or get a better job. What my husband heard was, “You don’t make enough money.”

This is how good I am at manifesting what I focus on: He quit his job and wasn’t making any money.

When I realized I’d been sending the opposite message of what I wanted to manifest, I decided to switch it up. I came up with the Spouse-Fulfilling Prophecy “You’ve always been a good provider.” And, just for fun, I started calling him “Mr. Moneybags.”

Around that time, my husband started the video business he has now and became more successful financially than he’d ever been, as well as happier working for himself.

Now I make a habit of watching what I’m speaking into everyone on my team.

The results of focusing and speaking about the outcome I want instead of the one I don’t want have been breathtaking. It’s the secret to my success.

The post Working with Your Spouse appeared first on Laura Doyle.

Marriage Anxiety

How to Stop Worrying and Know that Everything Is Alright

When you’re not getting what you need in your relationship, you worry.

Are things ever going to get better? Or is this relationship a huge mistake?

Is your partner ever going to change, or is this problem, this pain you’re feeling now, going to be with you for the rest of your life?

You just want to know what’s going to happen so you can make the right decisions. But since you can’t control what he does, it’s hard to know what the future holds.

The whole thing can make you apprehensive.

I remember feeling that way almost every day for years.

My marriage still isn’t perfect, but I don’t feel anxious about it anymore.

Here’s what I did to feel calm and relaxed about my relationship.
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1. I Learned to Stay in the Moment

You may think this is easier said than done, but I’m going to share with you exactly how I did it.

I confess that, in my anxiety, I wasn’t a pleasant person. Whenever I felt anxious, I would shriek at my husband and demand to know how he could let this happen and when he was ever going to take action.

Then, no matter what he said in response, I just rolled my eyes in disgust.

Not very dignified, I know.

But asking myself one powerful question has helped me avoid falling into a giant pit of Needless Emotional Turmoil more times than I can count.

When I feel so apprehensive I’m shaking, the question I ask myself is: “Am I okay right now?”

At first the answer was “Yes, but…,” followed by a list of all the terrible things that could happen in the future (especially if I continued to focus on them!).

But if I just stick to the facts for the moment, so far, the answer to that question has been “yes.” Every. Single. Time.

For example, one of the things that used to make me incredibly fretful was when my husband and I were down to our last $19.83 in the bank.

Then a $20 debit would come through, which meant we were overdrawn. Now we had an overdraft fee too. Argh!

Don’t you hate when that happens?

Me too.

I felt a panic rising inside me as I anticipated running out of food or gas or eye cream and having no way to buy more. Ever!

But when I started asking myself “Am I okay right now?” my honest answer was always “yes.”

I wasn’t hungry or stranded on the way to work or in danger of getting premature wrinkles. I wasn’t suffering in any way except in anticipation of the future, which I imagined would be very, very bad.

But I was usually wrong about that.

The more evidence I gathered about how the things I was so worried about didn’t actually happen, the easier it got for me to stay in the moment where I was still breathing and everything was alright.

Eventually I had a long string of moments where I was totally alright.

I found that I could apply this question to anything I was anxious about–from wondering if my marriage would always feel lonely and lack affection to worrying about my parents’ health to stressing about a talk I was preparing.

I learned I could choose calm instead of being a victim of anxiety in my marriage–and every other situation too.

2. Drop and Do 10

Once I stopped panicking by focusing on my current circumstances, I sometimes found myself getting worked up all over again.

I would think, “Everything’s not okay! We’re overdrawn! It’s his fault for spending too much.”

And just like that, I was anxious again and asking myself endless questions about whether he would ever change or if I’d be better off without him.

I’m embarrassed to say I used to think that way, which seems strange because I don’t feel that way about him at all anymore.

Now it’s clear that he’s made my life richer in every way over the last 28 years.

This habit I’m about to tell you has a lot to do with why I feel that way.

Here it is: In addition to recognizing that I was totally fine in this moment, when I feel anxious I also drop and do ten–gratitudes, that is.

I’d focus those gratitudes on the very things I was most worried about in that moment, which, when we were overdrawn, was that I’d have to go without, forever.

Who wouldn’t be anxious with that line of thinking, right?

But then I started finding evidence of the opposite.

Okay, so maybe there was no money in the bank account. But I could find ten things that I did have and was grateful for.

I’d start with the basics: I had food in the fridge, gas in my car, clothes to wear, a house to live in and $46 in my purse.

I also had a car and a garage for that car, a gym membership, fancy eye cream and pretty new pajamas.

By the time I got to ten, I was starting to feel pretty well-off.

And plenty calm.

Chances are pretty good that you’ll be able to stop feeling anxious and take nice deep breaths when you ask yourself if you’re okay in the moment and then drop and do ten gratitudes too.

The post Marriage Anxiety appeared first on Laura Doyle.

Should I Get a Divorce?

3 Questions to Ask Yourself Before You Decide

Ending your marriage is a huge decision, and since you’re reading this article, clearly you’re not taking it lightly. It’s probably weighed heavily on you for a long time, which is so tiring.

Nobody considers divorce unless they’re really hurting and hopeless that things will get better.

You’d like answers. What’s the best path? Which choice will make you happier in the long run?

No expert can tell you what’s right for you. Only you know if it’s best for you to end your marriage.

But that doesn’t mean you need to make such a big decision all alone.

Here are 3 questions to ask yourself before you divorce.
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They’ll help you get clarity–and maybe even find the wisdom you need at such a tough time in your life.

1. Ask Yourself: Am I Happy?

“Am I happy?” may seem like an easy question to answer–of course you’re not! You wouldn’t be contemplating breaking up your family if you were.

You have lots of reasons to feel unhappy, which is why it seems so contrary even to ask this.

The reason I ask is because I was once very unhappy in my marriage too, and I felt that it was because my husband wasn’t doing a good job making me happy.

But it turns out I just wasn’t good at being happy myself.

In fact, when I first tried to make myself happy every day, I had no idea where to start.

I was resigned to having too many obligations–too much work, too many bills, too much housework, too much responsibility. I thought that’s how life was and I just had to suck it up and slog through.

Thankfully, I was completely wrong.

When I started prioritizing my own delight over working more, I felt so much lighter and more joyful.

If I had divorced in search of that feeling, I would have had a rude awakening that I still wasn’t very happy.

This question is worth seriously asking yourself because it turns out only happy people have happy relationships.

How could you make yourself happy despite the circumstances in your marriage? If you do divorce, of course you’ll be the one making yourself happy then. Why not start now and see how it looks?

Of course, it may not solve all your relationship problems. I get that. It didn’t solve all of mine either. But getting happy was the indispensable first step to having the playful, passionate marriage I have now.

2. Are You Angry?

Here’s another deceptively easy question: Are you angry?

Of course you’re angry!

I know because I was furious myself when I was on the verge of ending my marriage.

Although I didn’t go through with it, part of me wanted to file for divorce not just to escape the pain of interacting with my husband but also to make him hurt too.

I’m not proud to admit that I wanted to show him how it felt to be rejected and abandoned.

Because the truth is that under all that anger, I was hurt. Very hurt.

My anger was a cover for my hurt. I felt safer being livid than I did admitting I was devastated that he wanted nothing to do with me and only wanted to watch TV.

It was much scarier to admit I was hurt than to defend myself with a snappy insult. But when I finally did respond like a mere mortal woman instead of a human steamroller, I was amazed at how much better my husband responded to me.

Instead of swiping back and forth at each other, I saw him respond with protection and offer comfort when I revealed my vulnerability by saying “ouch!” when I felt hurt.

These days I know that when I’m mad, it means I’m hurt. And hurt is a much more connecting feeling than snippy retorts.

I also know it has never been my husband’s intention to hurt me, with the key word being “intention.” We live so close together that sometimes we hurt each other accidentally. My first response is still to get mad at times, but then I can ask myself if maybe I’m hurt underneath.

So far the answer has always been “yes.”

Keeping in mind that he didn’t mean to do it, just like he didn’t mean to step on my foot last week, helps me recover from the hurt without having to air a grievance to him, which can create defensiveness.

3. Have I Cleaned Up My Side of the Street?

Of course you’re noticing that your man has shortcomings and how painful they are to live with. That was my experience also. I couldn’t take his detachment and inattentiveness for one more day!

But as with every story, there are two sides.

When my marriage was at its lowest point, I wasn’t very dignified.

I told my husband he was so negative, which is a rather negative thing to say.

I blamed him for being so critical, which is a critical thing to say.

I wanted him to be more spiritual, which wasn’t very spiritual of me.

I said a lot of mean, ugly things. I rolled my eyes in disgust, criticized him and complained incessantly. These are not qualities I aspire to, and I didn’t feel good hearing myself say those things.

In other words, my side of the street needed plenty of cleaning.

But I didn’t know any other way to be! I didn’t see where I had another option except to find fault.

Something told me, though, that I’d be taking myself with me wherever I want–even into a new relationship after I got divorced–and that some of those less appealing qualities might go along with me unless I improved the only person I could: me.

I’m unspeakably grateful that I learned the 6 Intimacy Skills™, which taught me how to do that. They’ve been the best self-improvement program I have ever undertaken.

And without my broken marriage to practice them in, I’m not sure I would ever have gotten the miracle of feeling so confident, calm and dignified–not to mention loved every single day just for being me.

It’s something I wish every woman could experience. And I know of no better way to get there than by starting out wondering if you should get a divorce.

The post Should I Get a Divorce? appeared first on Laura Doyle.

My Husband Is Passive-Aggressive

What Makes Him So Hostile and How You Can Cause a Miracle

If your man says things that are subtly insulting and hurtful but then acts like you’re the one who is overreacting, it can be crazy making.

At times you wonder how you can ever win when he mopes around and won’t say what’s wrong. If all you’re getting is the silent treatment, how do you respond to that? It’s frustrating and lonely to live that way.

And what about when he agrees to do things that you’ve asked him to do but doesn’t do them? How do you bring up that the light in the basement is still broken–even though he’s been promising to fix it for three weeks–without causing a fight?

I used to wonder myself and feel hopeless that there was anything I could do about my husband’s poor behavior. But now I have a go-to that changes everything.

This is what works wonders with a passive-aggressive husband:
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1. Identify Your Spouse-Fulfilling Prophecy

Early in my marriage, I had no idea why my husband was using all his might not to do the things he knew I thought he should do, but I was very curious!

He’d say he was going to do the dishes but never actually moved a muscle to do them. Instead he watched hours of TV.

When I asked about the dishes as politely as I could, he’d growl, “I just can’t win with you!”

I was thinking, “Um, sure you could if you would just do what you said you were going to do instead of yelling at me!”

I came across the term “passive-aggressive” somewhere, and it totally fit my experience of him. I felt validation about identifying my husband as someone who was passive-aggressive–like that explained a lot.

I even said things like, “Aren’t we being passive-aggressive today.”

Not very charming, I know. But somehow I thought that if I pointed out what he was doing, it would make him aware and he’d be so motivated to change that he would be more considerate and tender as a result.

That never worked, unfortunately. Not once!

Even as I write that explanation, it seems like flimsy reasoning on my part. Who improves because their wife criticizes them like that? And when I was saying that, how was I any less passive-aggressive than I was accusing him of being?

Still, I didn’t know what else to do with my prized diagnosis, so I just kept on saying it to him, like a Spouse-Fulfilling Prophecy (SFP): “You’re so passive-aggressive!” And guess what I continued to experience?

That’s right–I noticed he was even more passive-aggressive than ever. He and the TV were constant companions, and the icy silence left a chill in the air.

Of course, that’s what I was focused on, and what you focus on increases. I kept telling him how passive-aggressive he was, so that’s how he kept showing up for me.

It’s amazing how powerful I am that way.

Here’s how I got myself out of that mess, thankfully.

2. Make a New SFP

Once I realized how much influence I had on how my husband showed up, I started choosing my words more carefully.

Instead of affirming that he was passive-aggressive, I began saying things that matched the experience I wanted to have, like, “You are always doing things to make me happy.”

Where did I find the chutzpah to say something like that when I felt he didn’t care about my happiness? After all, no amount of begging and pleading was motivating him to do housework or even have a civil conversation with me!

It was just an experiment at first. What could it hurt to change up my approach? I said it to myself and I said it to him.

Not only was he less defensive when I stopped insulting him by calling him “passive-aggressive,” he acted like I finally got him. He looked relieved, and he nodded in agreement with my new Spouse-Fulfilling Prophecy.

And while I may have been shaking the first few times I said it because it felt like such a stretch and I thought he might see that I was lying, my new SFP had an unexpected consequence: It changed the way I saw my husband.

I started to see everything he was doing to make me happy: taking out the trash, putting the cans on the curb every week, deferring to the movie or show I wanted to see, going to get the car in the rain while I stayed dry.

Now I had evidence that what I was saying was actually true. Instead of feeling uncomfortable, I was feeling elated that I had more power than I realized to have the experience of my husband that I wanted to have.

All I had to do was use the right SFP!

3. Say It to Yourself and to Him

You can make your own SFP by taking your complaint about your partner and turning it upside down. What is it you would have if he weren’t passive-aggressive? Or you can fill in the blank with your own pain point if your husband isn’t passive-aggressive. What is the hidden desire in your complaint?

That he’s so gentle and tender? That he’s so lighthearted? So patient and understanding?

Sometimes women struggle to come up with an SFP because it seems so far from “The Truth.”

The thing about “The Truth” is that it’s subjective based on who’s observing it. In physics, simply observing a situation changes that situation, and every researcher has a bias.

If you start with the bias that your husband is an insensitive jerk, you’ll likely experience that. If you start with the bias that he’s a sweet, loving guy, you’ll likely experience that.

You might be thinking that I don’t get it at all because my husband wasn’t really passive-aggressive like yours is.

Could be. I don’t know your husband. Only you know if changing your SFP fits for you.

But what if using a positive Spouse-Fulfilling Prophecy caused a miracle in your house like it did in mine?

You’ll never know until you try it.

What will your new SFP be? Post yours in the comments below.

The post My Husband Is Passive-Aggressive appeared first on Laura Doyle.

How to Fix My Broken Marriage

3 Missing Ingredients to Make it Better, Faster

How do you fix your marriage when it’s been so hard for so long that you just don’t feel like trying anymore?

If you were one of the blog readers who asked that question last week, you reminded me of how exhausting that is. It’s awful.

When you’re already drained, the idea that there’s one more thing you need to do to fix the relationship makes you want to go back to bed! Especially when you know that most of the problems are with your partner’s attitude and actions (or lack thereof).

You’ve been working hard to heal your relationship and being honest about what you need from him, but he never changes and it’s very lonely.

That’s how I felt over 20 years ago, but I haven’t felt that way in a long time.

Here’s how I fixed my broken marriage without wearing myself out.
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1. Getting the Right Information

I spent a lot of time implementing well-meaning but ineffective advice to work on my marriage.

Some of what I read from so-called “experts” seemed so much like common sense that I never even questioned it, but it still never worked for me.

When I followed suggestions like “Let your husband know when you have an expectation that’s not being met,” I ended up with wall-to-wall hostility. Same with, “Tell your husband that you need more affection.” Ugh! I got some forced, awkward hugs, but that was about it.

Now that I’ve had both a terrible marriage and a dreamy one with the same man, I can spot the counterfeit “wisdom” right away. It makes me break out in hives.

Before anything could improve in my marriage, I needed the right information, just like I’d need the right directions to get to your house. My common sense just wouldn’t be enough if I didn’t have your address and a reliable GPS.

If nothing’s been working for you, which is how I felt in the bad old days, what could it hurt to experiment with some new approaches?

Here’s a good (and free) place to start: An Introductory Course on the Intimacy Skills.

2. Making the Changes You Can Make

You might be wondering why this blog is only for women when there are plenty of ways your man needs to improve.

I mean, it doesn’t seem fair that all these suggestions fall on your shoulders when your shoulders are already bowed under the weight your relationship problems.

Wouldn‘t it be nice if your husband read a blog and implemented the suggestions?

I thought so too.

I used to make lists of what my husband should do differently. I put them on the refrigerator. Or I’d sit him down on the couch and read my list to him.

That never worked either. At all.

What I learned the hard, slow way is that I can’t make my husband read a book or a blog or an email, even. I can’t make him do what it says.

Therefore, I was very reluctantly forced to look only at how I could behave differently. I was shocked that, when I changed how I approached him, he responded to me so much better.

Drat! I thought it was all him.

Being accountable for myself by making some simple changes–changes that made me feel better about myself anyway–turned out to be magical for my marriage.

I started small, just trying out experiments that I knew I could throw out the window if I wanted to.

But when I got the very responses I had always wanted, I knew I was on the right track.

Was that because my husband had improved? He certainly started taking more initiative, being more affectionate and conversational, and constantly looking for ways he could make my life better.

He just buzzed by to see if I needed a cup of tea or a blanket. That wasn’t happening before my experiments.

It all started with me doing what was within my control: changing myself. This next step had everything to do with how I was able to do that.

3. Joining a Gang

If you’re already practicing the 6 Intimacy SkillsTM but struggle to stay motivated or don’t see improvement, then this is the key to breaking the whole case open.

Consider joining a gang, a group, a circle, a club or a coffee klatch of women who have what you want in their marriages or are invested in getting there.

That was one of the first things I did early in my journey from the brink of divorce to the playful, passionate marriage I have now.

My marriage still suffers when I don’t connect with likeminded women about practicing the 6 Intimacy Skills. My gang of coaches remains indispensable for making my marriage shiny and joyful.

As much as anybody else, I need the encouragement and connection I feel with women who are mere mortals like me. I enjoy a sense of belonging when I hear them share authentically about their challenges. I grow from hearing them celebrate their insights and tender moments. I benefit from the repetition of the principles that I want to live by.

The most powerful such group I know of are the Laura Doyle certified coaches, who started out in Relationship Coach Training.

Each small class is full of women committed to restoring the intimacy in their marriages, and they lift each other up with courage and vulnerability like I’ve never seen anywhere else.

Often women enroll in Relationship Coach Training to save their own marriages or make them more playful and passionate–and it works.

Which makes sense because we tend to be like the people we surround ourselves with. We all need someone to have our back, to provide empathy and acknowledge us for what we’re doing well.

If practicing the 6 Intimacy Skills feels hard, discouraging or pointless, my wish for you is to have more support.

After all, happy marriages matter!

You’re not the only one who’s struggling or has struggled, and if those of us who put a high priority on our relationships stick together we can encourage and empower each other.

It’s the only way I know that fixed my broken marriage.

What’s one small change you can make today toward fixing your marriage? I’d love to hear in the comments section below.

The post How to Fix My Broken Marriage appeared first on Laura Doyle.

New Year, New You

6 Reasons 2018 Will Be Your Best Relationship Year Yet

New Year’s Day is like a brand new notebook waiting to be filled with accounts of your organized, nutritious, fit, accomplished, prosperous life with your loving mate.

Of course, you can make your life better any time of the year, but there’s something inspiring about January, as though she is holding up the vision you have for yourself in a way that other months don’t.

That’s not the only reason that now is the time to take action that will have you looking back at the year with a sense of gratification and accomplishment–especially if your dream is to feel madly, deeply loved and adored every day for life.

You may be thinking that I don’t know the challenges you’re facing or how much you’re struggling right now. Things may be rough for you in the love department.

But here’s what I do know: Now, more than ever, forces are collaborating for your greatest happiness in the area of love.

I can explain.

Here’s why 2018 will be your best relationship year yet.
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1. That’s Your Intention

“When you have clarity of intention, the Universe conspires with you to make it happen.”
– Fabienne Fredrickson

Maybe your pain is what’s spurring you on most of all. Pain was a big motivator for me too in wanting to save my relationship. I started with a long list of complaints and, after years of suffering, finally flipped them to form a clear desire: I wanted intimacy, passion and peace in my marriage.

Once you know what you want, you’re bringing your focus, your energy and, perhaps most importantly, your imagination to creating your vision.

Maybe your dream is to feel seen, known and desired. Or maybe it’s to feel like you have a partner who matches and cherishes you and you alone. Maybe you want more support with housework and bills.

Setting your intention doesn’t mean you won’t get discouraged or question how that will ever happen. It means you have a destination to put into your life GPS and that you’re ready to get behind the wheel.

What is your intention?

2. You Know More

“The expert in anything was once a beginner.”
– Helen Hayes

You’re a seeker, and you value lifelong learning. Otherwise, you wouldn’t be reading this post.

You know more than you ever have before–including what hasn’t worked in your relationship.

That’s where I was too when I stumbled on what does work to make relationships vibrant and amazing again for thousands of women all over the world, including me.

I wasn’t ready to hear the 6 Intimacy SkillsTM before my experience made me ready, just like it’s made you ready.

When I was ready, the wisdom of the Intimacy Skills resonated with me as if God were whispering them in my ear. They were both shocking and electrifying.

Ultimately, I was unspeakably grateful to learn what I know now about what makes relationships amazing and vibrant.

3. You’re Braver

“Don’t worry about failures. Worry about the chances you miss when you don’t even try.”
-Jack Canfield

Time makes you bolder. It says so right in the song “Landslide.”

With the passing of another year, you’re likely more willing to try on changes, to take what may feel like big risks in your relationship to create the connection you crave. I admire that because it requires courage.

That was key for me too. I was willing to experiment in my relationship even though it was frightening and contrary to everything I knew because, I told myself, I could always go back to the old way if I hated it.

4. You’re More Accountable

“When you blame others, you give up your power to change.”
-Dr. Robert Anthony

If I had to summarize what my critics hate most about me, it’s that they believe I perpetuate women being victimized.

But in order to be a victim, you have to blame someone else. And the minute I do that, I lose my power.

My power is in looking at how I contributed to the mess, melee or muck and owning it. That’s where the magic starts in my life, always.

You, too, are accountable, or you would find some other blog to read. (Either that, or you’re about to send me some hate mail.)

When you’re accountable, you can make the entire world–including your relationship–better.

As a bonus, accountability is attractive. I notice I’m drawn to those who admit their horrible mistakes and apologize.

5. You Have Support

“Sometimes asking for help is the bravest move you can make. You don’t have to go it alone.”
-C. Connors

While you are always the expert on your own life, the messages you hear repeatedly have an influence. If those messages are “You can do better” or “You should leave him” or “I know a good divorce lawyer,” that will likely impact the path you choose.

If the messages you hear repeatedly are “I believe in you and your power to restore the connection in your marriage” or “That happened to me too, but now my marriage is amazing and here’s what I did…” or “I acknowledge you for your commitment and determination to save your marriage. You’re doing great!” those will influence your path.

Since you’re here, that means you’ve found the worldwide community of women who support each other in having playful, passionate relationships.

You’re not alone with your challenges or your intention. We’re right here with you, and we will support and cheer you on to happily-ever-after. That’s what we do around here.

There are a variety of ways to get support on this campus, from self-study programs all the way to joining the coaching body as a certified relationship coach.

Your heart knows how much support is best for your unique situation.

6. You’re Inspired

“Know what sparks the light in you. Then use that light to illuminate the world.”
-Oprah Winfrey

If you’re anything like the women I have the honor of meeting who have dedicated themselves to practicing the 6 Intimacy Skills, who demonstrate amazing vulnerability and teach me what it means to be committed to their marriages and their families, my hat’s off to you.

I see women who dig deep for the accountability to apologize for being disrespectful even after a horrendously hurtful fight.

I talk to women who take the high road of giving their husband grace even when they see him making painful parenting mistakes.

I witness them courageously reject the urge to complain, instead choosing gratitude and Spouse-Fulfilling Prophecies when they could have seen only shortcomings.

The improvements in their marriages are nothing short of miraculous. The distant, inattentive husband starts seeking out her company and showing spontaneous affection. The divorce is put off, then called off. He moves back home, ends the affair and admits he loves her for the first time in years.

What’s not to admire? These women are quietly setting the world on fire, putting it right, one family at a time.

And if that inspires you, then I predict that 2018 will be an amazing year for your relationship.

I’d love to hear your intention in the comments section below. What is your vision for your relationship for 2018?

The post New Year, New You appeared first on Laura Doyle.

I’m Not in Love with My Husband

3 Ways to Bring Back the Sizzle Even if You’re Not Feeling It

When you’re falling in love, you’re temporarily insane.

You didn’t even notice things like bad breath or that he has ESPN on all the time or slurps his cereal.

But years into marriage, you not only notice unattractive things about him, you’ve completely lost sight of whatever it was you saw in him.

Why did you marry this guy again?

He’s put on weight. He spends all his spare time on the couch. He’s too harsh with the kids.

All of that takes a toll on how you feel about him.

You don’t want to admit it out loud, but you’re searching Google for some kind of answer because this is not the marriage you envisioned and you want to know your options (i.e., escape route).

You wish you could admire your husband and feel excited about him. But how can you if you’re feeling repulsed?

Here are 3 ways to make your man more exciting and bring back that loving feeling.
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1. Drop and Do 10 (Gratitudes)

Jasmine felt the same way about her husband, Aladdin.

The guy seemed exciting and resourceful in the beginning, what with the genie and all, but now that they had three kids and a busy work week, she was not impressed with his pet monkey, and the idea of taking a family of five somewhere on a magic carpet seemed totally impractical.

Why couldn’t he get a reliable car like normal husbands?

Who can relate?

At the end of her rope, Jasmine was ready to do something drastic. She dragged Al to marriage counseling, where the therapist affirmed that she was the good spouse and Aladdin was off in la-la land.

Unfortunately, that didn’t give Jasmine what she really wanted, which was to feel special, to feel safe and to have a husband she admired.

Jasmine wished she were married to someone more practical and down to earth, and suddenly…she was!

Without warning, Al turned into a different man. There was no sign of the monkey, and instead of a magic carpet, he drove a sensible sedan. Rather than dreaming about the future, he was always looking at accounting software.

Now Jasmine missed the adventurous man she had married. She regretted taking his playfulness for granted and wondered where her fearless husband had gone.

Sure, life was more predictable and less chaotic, but it wasn’t as exhilarating or interesting as it had been.

Jasmine realized she had been taking her husband’s good qualities for granted just because she lived with them. Familiarity had bred contempt.

Beside herself with regret, Jasmine wanted to undo her wish, and the genie gave her the formula to do just that: Drop and do 10. Ten gratitudes for her husband.

“What did you appreciate about Al?” he asked.

Jasmine listed all the things–his sense of humor, his willingness to sacrifice for his family, his strength, his ability to create magic–and on and on, until she had at least 10 things she loved about Al.

And just like that, he was back–the man she’d fallen in love with.

This is obviously a fictionalized scenario, but it’s one I’ve seen many times.

To get back to feeling in love with your man, why not drop and do 10 gratitudes for him?

You had plenty of good reasons to marry him. What are they?

2. Relinquish Control of His Decisions

I have a world-famous system for relinquishing control of your husband, which I’ve been practicing for years, but sometimes I’m still tempted to tell my husband, John, what to do.

Like recently, when he had the chance to get a big client for his business. I thought he should jump on it! But he didn’t. I couldn’t understand why he would pass up the additional income.

I’m not proud to say I wondered if he was just too lazy to jump through the requisite hoops to get the gig.

A few days later, John reminded me the person he would be working with was difficult at times. He wasn’t excited to answer to that person.

From my standpoint, it seemed so easy. Just get the shiny new client and make lots of money!

But from John’s perspective, the new client was going to be a pain, something he didn’t want in his life.

I felt admiration for my husband, who didn’t want to kowtow to an overbearing honcho. That struck me as masculine strength, which I find attractive.

All of a sudden I thought it was sexy that he wasn’t going for that client. Such self-confidence!

Letting your husband make decisions for himself without weighing in or advising him can help you remember what you liked about this guy back in the day.

3. Be the Goddess of Fun and Light

You’re tired from your workday, folding laundry, making dinner and helping out with homework. Is there any man anywhere who could make you happy in this moment? Or would you find fault with Ryan Reynolds right now?

If your husband isn’t measuring up, could it be that your ruler needs adjusting?

The way to adjust it is to have a girl’s night out, watch a movie you love or boogie in the kitchen–or all three in one day.

If you’re not having frivolous fun, life gets dreary, and your husband starts to seem like the cause of all that’s wrong in the world.

Chances are that he’s just a mere mortal man who happens to be nearby when you get out of sorts, as all mere mortal women do from time to time.

Getting pretty nails, playing guitar or riding your bike could cure all of that and remind you that your husband has that cute dimple on his chin, sparkly eyes or the cute butt you like so much.

You just forgot. That happens when you’ve forgotten you’re the Goddess of Fun and Light, who loves to have a good time and married the perfect partner in crime to help her do just that.

What a difference a day of self-care makes.

Speaking of frivolous fun, I plan to get pumped up with endorphins from playing volleyball tonight, which always gives me the perspecticles to see the things I like about my husband..

What will you do today to make yourself ridiculously happy so you can see the best qualities in your man?

The post I’m Not in Love with My Husband appeared first on Laura Doyle.

How to Fix My Husband

The Instruction Manual You Always Wanted

When your man is making bad decisions, it drags you down.

It’s like he’s broken, and since your fates are tied together by matrimony, that’s a lot of weight you’re pulling when your hands are already full.

You’d like him to start contributing more, so it’s logical to try to help him improve.

You’ve tried encouraging him and telling him where to focus his efforts or what he needs to do differently, but nothing changes.

You’ve tried giving him suggestions and teaching him what you know, but he doesn’t make much effort and you’re afraid he never will.

He continues to complain and seem depressed, distant or angry all the time. It’s incredibly discouraging.

And here you are, reading this post trying to fix it, even though you’re already doing all the work in this relationship. At least it feels that way.

I still remember how painful that is.

Turns out, there is something you can do that works, but it’s probably not what you think.

Here are 3 effective ways you can fix your husband.
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1. Look for Ways He’s Succeeding

Your husband has many shortcomings, and right now, some of them are glaring.

Maybe he’s not helping out and it’s leaving you overwhelmed with too much work.

Or it could be that he’s a negative or hostile force causing unnecessary conflict in your home.

It could be that he’s just not doing the simple things you need in order to feel loved, like telling you he loves you or offering a kiss and a hug.

But your husband is also doing something right.

How do I know?

Nobody gets everything wrong 100% of the time. It isn’t possible.

He may be a jerk with the kids, but perhaps he’s also keeping an impeccable yard.

He could be wasting hours playing video games every day, but he is also working hard to support the family.

Or maybe he’s cold and distant, but he also cooks dinner some nights.

You might be wondering what focusing on the yard, the paycheck and the dinners has to do with what you’re missing from him, the things you need that are so much more important and so painful not to have.

Here’s the connection: Everyone needs acknowledgment. Without it, people get defensive, and when they’re defensive they’re not their best selves.

Just noticing his efforts to make your life better, however small, will do two great things: First, it will help you shift your focus to what you want instead of what you don’t want.

As a fringe benefit, he’ll feel appreciated and likely respond to you better.

If, like me, you’ve already tried the other way, where you tell him everything he’s doing wrong, and it didn’t work, what could it hurt to experiment with a novel approach?

What you focus on increases, so this a powerful way to change your experience for the better.

2. Treat “The Truth” as a Lie

One very practical way to change your focus is to come up with a Spouse-Fulfilling Prophecy.

Start with your major complaint, like “My husband isn’t affectionate,” “He’s verbally abusive,” or “He’s irresponsible with money.”

Now let’s turn it upside down to make it the experience you want to be having: “He’s very affectionate,” “He’s a gentleman,” or “He’s savvy with money,” for example.

Next, use the word “you” to start the sentence, as in “You’re very affectionate.” Write that down and read it to yourself. Start saying it to yourself and to him.

If you’re anything like me, it feels like a lie and your complaint feels like “The Truth.”

But the truth is pretty squishy, depending on your perspective.

As Shakespeare wrote, “There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.”

Thinking that your husband has a tragic flaw can contribute to making it so, in other words.

What if you pretend that “The Truth” is a lie and look for evidence to the contrary? Has he ever been affectionate, spoken gently or made a sound financial decision?

Of course he has. And if you open your eyes a little wider, you can find evidence that he is affectionate, gentle and responsible with money.

Trina’s main complaint was that her husband didn’t care about her. She had plenty of evidence for this, starting with how he never fixed any of the things that were making her crazy around the house and never noticed all the work she did, much less offered to help!

She came up with the Spouse-Fulfilling Prophecy “You take such good care of me.”

When she first said it to him, she felt like a big faker. But not long after, when she was called for jury duty for a long trial far away, her husband offered to take her to the courthouse every day so she wouldn’t have to make the drive by herself.

She almost rejected that offer because she thought it was too much driving for him, but she caught herself and decided to receive.

When she thanked him, he responded by saying, “Of course. I always take good care of you.”

3. Resign from the Job of Fixing Him

Michaela’s husband, Tim, complained about his work almost every day. Being a therapist by trade and wanting to be a supportive wife, she listened sympathetically and asked questions to draw him out.

When he didn’t take any action to change his work situation, she grew weary of the conversation and wished he would just do something already so she wouldn’t have to keep listening to his heart-wrenching problems.

She realized that she had volunteered for a job she didn’t want: the job of fixing her husband. It was draining, it didn’t seem to be helping him and the pay was terrible.

The next time the topic came up, she listened briefly then said, “You’re so strong. You’ll figure this out” and changed the subject.

The conversation started coming up less. Not long after that, Tim told Michaela he planned to make a career change and was looking into some options.

She was amazed that honoring herself not only saved her from feeling drained but also prompted action by her husband, who was capable of fixing himself.

Your man can fix himself too, and there’s something magical about trusting him to do that.

Therefore, consider resigning as his mother, life coach, therapist, business consultant or parenting expert.

You might wonder how you’ll ever get the things you want by changing your focus, acting as if he’s already the way you want him to be, or trusting him to run his own life.

That’s exactly what this blog is all about–you getting the support, the connection and the passion you’re craving.

And that’s exactly what I see happen again and again when women who are struggling in troubled relationships try these experiments.

Which of these 3 “fixes” will you experiment with this week? I’d love to hear in the comments below.

The post How to Fix My Husband appeared first on Laura Doyle.

Conflict Resolution in Marriage

How to End Wall-to-Wall Hostility in a Hurry

When you’re fighting, bickering and snapping at each other, you just want it to stop.

You want him to understand where you’re coming from and make him realize that it’s ridiculous to keep arguing.

Or else you find yourself imagining how nice it would be to be alone, with no one contradicting or finding fault with everything you say.

You’d also love an apology and some assurance that he’ll stop causing so many conflicts with you, the kids, the neighbors and everyone else who crosses his path.

Most of all, you want a peaceful house. But how?

You can singlehandedly cultivate the calm you crave.

Here are the 3 secrets to conflict resolution in marriage.
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1. Let Him Know You’re Listening

Coach Sue recalls desperately wanting to buy a house with her husband shortly after their wedding and having plenty of disagreements about it.

The house she loved was getting away while he was brooding over his concerns.

What she heard him saying was “I don’t want to move forward with this,” which she took to mean “I don’t want to move forward with you.”

Terrified that this conflict represented a huge schism that could break them apart so early in their marriage, she tried to convince him that they should just buy the house. However, things only got more tense and unpleasant between them.

They went on that way for months, until Sue decided to take a different approach.

The next time her husband started enumerating his concerns about them buying a house together, instead of defending, debating or dismissing, Sue just listened to what he was saying.

When he finished explaining, she calmly used this magical phrase: “I hear you.”

And she meant it. She had really listened to his words without racing into the future and worrying or pointing out where his thinking was flawed.

That’s when she saw her husband relax for the first time in months as he sighed with relief and said sincerely, “Thank you!” He looked so grateful to be heard and understood.

She realized that his thinking wasn’t as threatening as she had built it up to be in her head. What he said even made sense now that she was listening without the agenda of making him wrong.

After that, Sue had a different take on the house purchase. As she spent more time considering her husband’s input, the entire process went more effortlessly. Soon enough, they were the proud owners of a wonderful, peaceful new home.

Consider giving your husband airtime by truly listening to him without commenting–no agreement or disagreement. Just honor his words with your listening ear.

Simply letting him know that you hear what he’s saying, that what he says is important to you, will work wonders in restoring the peace.

Even if you’re fighting 23 hours a day, you’ll be amazed how quickly this will relieve tension.

2. Say How You (Really) Feel

When Jessica’s husband woke up on the wrong side of the bed one morning and had only negative, mean-spirited things to say, she felt like she couldn’t win.

Finally, she pointed out that he was grumpy because he’d been drinking the night before.

That did not help matters. At all.

They exchanged hurtful barbs nonstop all morning, and Jessica was furious at him for taking his bad mood out on her.

A student of the 6 Intimacy Skills™, Jessica decided to regroup and ask herself how she felt and what she wanted.

The answer was that she felt mad! Her husband seemed like the biggest jerk on the continent.

She wanted to tell him exactly how she felt: attacked and unsafe. But she knew those weren’t actually feelings–just thinly veiled blame and criticism. So she wisely said nothing for the moment and again asked herself what was true for her.

She realized that under her anger was…hurt. And loneliness, as she longed to feel close to her husband again.

To clean up her part getting in the way of that closeness, first she apologized for being disrespectful when she had criticized him for drinking.

Then, since saying he had hurt her would just be criticizing him again, she simply said, “I’m lonely and I miss you.”

Her husband apologized too, for being a jerk. He hugged her reassuringly, and just like that the connection was back.

3. Let Him Listen to His Own Conscience

Marla had been using the Intimacy Skills for a while and the fighting in her marriage was way down, but sometimes she still saw her husband having heartbreaking conflict with their kids.

The day he yelled obscenities at their teenage son, she was horrified.

Drawing on her faith that her husband was a good man, she chose to see him for the mere mortal parent that he is.

She wanted to support her husband in what appeared to be a very low moment for him, even as she was feeling heartbroken for their son.

She knew that this swearing tyrant was not the man her husband aspired to be, so she did something that surprised even her: She gave him a hug.

Then she went off in search of self-care to distract her from the conflict between her man and her man-child.

No one was more surprised than Marla when, just a few minutes later, the conflict was over. Her husband was sitting on the bed with their son, speaking quietly, and they were both crying!

By showing support for her husband and then stepping aside instead of trying to mend this conflict, Marla left room for him to hear his own conscience.

Apparently, it had spoken very loudly that he owed their teenager an apology because that’s what he did. Then the teenager apologized too!

Marla was filled with admiration for her husband having the humility and strength to admit his failings and ask forgiveness, and her mama heart swelled that he treated their son with such gentleness afterward.

Which of these secrets will you experiment with next time there’s a conflict at your house? I’d love to hear in the comments section below.

The post Conflict Resolution in Marriage appeared first on Laura Doyle.

Power Struggles in Marriage

3 Steps to End the Exhausting Tug of War Forever

When every negotiation at your house feels like a battle, you waste a lot of energy.

Whether it’s about how to handle a baby who won’t sleep, a budget that doesn’t add up, or a growing mess in the house, it takes a lot longer to accomplish things when you have to debate and argue about them first.

Instead of feeling light and energized, you’re already tired before breakfast when you’ve had a back and forth about who should drive the kids, walk the dog or stop spending so much.

You just want to be logical and do what makes sense to solve the problem, but your husband doesn’t see it the same way, or he won’t talk about it or do things the way you need them done.

This is not teamwork–this is an endless argument, most of it petty. But how do you stop the tug of war when nothing you say seems to make any difference?

Here are 3 steps to end the power struggle with your spouse and still get what you want.
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1. Look for the Hero

Alexa and her husband, Tom, had a longstanding power struggle around planning family vacations.

She started by pointing out that they hadn’t been on vacation for ages and that they never did things together as a family, so she thought they should visit an area a day’s drive away.

Tom responded with a noncommittal shrug and reminded her that he didn’t like driving long distances.

To Alexa, that meant he expected her to do all the driving, which seemed completely unfair.

She explained why he should be willing to drive his family on a vacation at least once a year and that logically he couldn’t expect her to do all the driving.

As Alexa started planning the trip, Tom seemed to find fault with every suggestion. He obviously didn’t even want to go.

She couldn’t understand why he didn’t want to be a good husband and father who saw sights, hiked and relaxed with his family!

This clash had been going on so long that Alexa felt anxiety and pain just thinking about a family trip. “I know he’s going to drag his feet, and it would mean so much to me if he would just support my efforts to take a vacation.”

This issue came up every year, but in the meantime they also had power struggles about how much he worked, how often he missed family dinner and who should have to go to parent-teacher conferences.

Alexa couldn’t understand why her husband was so removed and unwilling to show up for their family. Exhausted with the status quo, she decided to do something completely different: She started with looking for the hero in her husband as part of practicing the 6 Intimacy SkillsTM.

At first, it wasn’t easy to see past all his glaring deficiencies. But she reluctantly admitted that he worked to support the family, helped the kids with their homework and was great about making sure the cars were maintained.

Her instinct was to rebut that list to point out his faults, but as an experiment she decided to forgo this temptation and stay focused on what he was doing right.

She expressed her appreciation and happiness to Tom about his strengths. That’s when a funny thing happened: He stopped taking his food to the TV room to eat–like he had been for years–and started showing up for family dinner the way she’d always wanted.

Alexa was quick to tell him how much she loved having his company at dinner. Soon, eating together as a family in the evenings became the norm.

This seemed like a miracle to Alexa.

But what about those teacher conferences and especially the family vacations, she wondered?

2. Say What You Want

Alexa realized that she had fallen into the habit of complaining and trying to reason with her husband in their negotiations instead of giving him the vital information that he needed to make her happy: what she wanted.

At first, she was able to come up only with what she didn’t want: She didn’t want him to work so much. She didn’t want to have to do all the driving on the vacations. She didn’t want to go to those dreaded teacher conferences alone.

All of that would have landed as the same tired complaints her husband had heard from her for years.

It took some real effort to figure out what she did want.

She realized that she would love to go on weekend getaways in addition to the annual vacation. She would also love to relax on the way. And she would love help with the stressful teacher conferences.

When she expressed those desires to her husband, she was amazed at how quickly he responded.

First, he offered to handle teacher conferences himself so she didn’t have to go.

She couldn’t believe her ears.

Alexa felt some anxiety come up and realized that she was attached to how their family was represented at the school. If she didn’t go to the conference, how could she make sure they gave the right impression?

After noticing that fear coming up, she decided to trust that her husband would represent their family well. So she stayed home while he went to meet with the teachers, and she found great relief in relinquishing that job to her husband.

3. Let Him Know When He Makes You Happy

What about the loaded topic of family vacations?

As Alexa maintained her focus on all that her husband was doing right and kept saying what she wanted instead of complaining, a shift happened at their house.

No longer were there nightly power struggles.

He wasn’t working as much and he seemed to be enjoying their family time together.

Then, he initiated and planned an entire week-long family vacation, a road trip to a beautiful national park.

Alexa was clear that this never would have happened prior to her practicing the Intimacy Skills.

Even more surprising, the question of who would drive them never came up. Tom drove the entire time.

Alexa felt some guilt knowing that he didn’t like driving long distances. She was tempted to offer to drive half the time, but instead she trusted him to speak up if he wanted a break from driving.

Then she focused on singing, chatting and telling Tom how great he was for driving them and how happy it made her. Somehow, he never did say he wanted help with the driving.

Instead of complaining about all the driving he had to do, he beamed at how happy he was making his wife.

That was the first of many such travels. And at home, Alexa and Tom now spend more time snuggling than power struggling.

The post Power Struggles in Marriage appeared first on Laura Doyle.

Working with Your Spouse

3 Secrets to Succeeding in Business and Love with the Same Person

When you work with your spouse, it can be too much togetherness. Plus, if you don’t see things the same way, it often creates tension both at work and at home.

There’s no pressure relief when the work conversation goes on through dinner. And no escaping the problems at home when you leave for work either.

This can stress your marriage big time–or it can be a great way to keep more money in the family and spend more time with the person you chose as your partner in life.

Having experienced it both ways, I’m grateful to know what makes all the difference.

Here are 3 secrets to succeeding while working with your spouse.
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My husband John and I are both entrepreneurs who work from home.

In the early days, I wanted to manage my husband like an employee by telling him which projects to prioritize and how to do them.

Not that I was very qualified to do this, mind you, unless you count getting fired from my job.

I was then going to help him count all the money after he did what I told him to, but that never happened.

He resisted my instructions mightily, and our business ventures floundered. Our personal finances were in chaos.

My marriage was in trouble too, for the same reason. I had become a porcupine wife he mostly avoided.

I thought the problems were because he was so uncooperative–never that I was overbearing. I believed I was smarter than him so it only made sense for me to “help” him.

I didn’t know that “helpful” in wife language is “critical” in husband language or that fear lurked beneath my urge to control the smart man I’d married.

I had no idea I could choose my faith over my fear in those moments, but now that I have a world-famous system for doing just that, I see the direct connection between the steps that revitalized my failing marriage and the dramatic improvement in our bottom line.

Here are the life-changing things I did that helped us both succeed:

1. I Stayed Out of His Business to Focus on Mine

When I was the armchair quarterback of my husband’s business, I wasn’t tending to my own life, which was like a car going down the street with no one behind the wheel.

It turns out there was a good reason I was avoiding my life: I was scared to show up for it.

When I switched my focus from his life to mine, abundance emerged. I was called to write a controversial book, which got me lots of hate mail but also became a NY Times bestseller translated into 19 languages in 30 countries.

Dateline NBC did an investigative report on my methods, which was terrifying (national TV–yikes!) and thrilling because the book shot up to #1 on Amazon and launched a worldwide movement. Next I was invited to give live talks, which I’d never done before, and I started an international relationship coaching company–also the source of free-floating terror.

I’m not sure if my calling will ever get less scary. Most recently, I was hyperventilating on the phone to my sister while preparing to film season 1 of my own TV series on Amazon Prime.

No wonder I just wanted to focus on what my husband was doing. That seemed less risky, but it was also less thrilling.

Now I know if something is utterly terrifying, it’s probably a good sign that I’m supposed to do it. That’s been my GPS for success the last couple of decades.

When I’m tempted to manage my husband’s life, I’m probably avoiding the next big thing in this adventurous mission I’m on to end world divorce.

My husband also ended up being very successful with his business when I gave him the space and respect to make decisions as he saw fit. Who knew?

Now when we work together, I just stay in my lane and admire the good work he does in his.

2. I Asked My Husband for Help With My Business

Even though I forgot for a while, John is wicked smart and wants me to be happy. He has my back, so he’s a fantastic resource for business advice. I’m constantly asking to borrow his brain.

In the bad old days, he would make suggestions and if I didn’t agree I would shoot them down, leaving us both frustrated and drained.

These days I know that I can listen to his ideas and if they don’t sit right with me, that just means I need to keep saying what I want or ask for more help.

For example, for a while now, my videographer husband has been expressing his view that my business would be well served to have a presence on YouTube. That sounded great to me on paper and, as a writer, paper is where I’m most comfortable. But I couldn’t imagine what the visuals would be for my videos. Actors? Illustrations? Hand puppets?

So I said what was true for me, which is “I would love that! And I don’t know what to show on those videos.”

John collected the videos that I already had but hadn’t crossed my mind, and he put them together for me. There are a few clips from my Cherished for Life Weekend up now, along with my recent media appearances and a preview of my Amazon series. Voilà: I have a YouTube channel.

(Cue “You Are the Wind Beneath My Wings.”)

3. I Focused on What I Wanted More Of

Long before my husband started his business, I had unwittingly been repeating a negative Spouse-Fulfilling Prophecy about how he could make more money if he would ask for a raise or get a better job. What my husband heard was, “You don’t make enough money.”

This is how good I am at manifesting what I focus on: He quit his job and wasn’t making any money.

When I realized I’d been sending the opposite message of what I wanted to manifest, I decided to switch it up. I came up with the Spouse-Fulfilling Prophecy “You’ve always been a good provider.” And, just for fun, I started calling him “Mr. Moneybags.”

Around that time, my husband started the video business he has now and became more successful financially than he’d ever been, as well as happier working for himself.

Now I make a habit of watching what I’m speaking into everyone on my team.

The results of focusing and speaking about the outcome I want instead of the one I don’t want have been breathtaking. It’s the secret to my success.

The post Working with Your Spouse appeared first on Laura Doyle.