Anger Management for Women

Confessions of a Former Rageaholic Who Found a Lasting Cure

It may not have been my first rageaholic episode, but I have a cringe-worthy memory of verbally ripping my sister up one side and down the other in anger when I was in college.

Her crime? She locked my keys in the car.

I could not contain the barrage of ugly words that came pouring out of me.

I said choice things like, “How could you be so stupid? What were you thinking? Obviously you weren’t! What an IDIOT you are!”

I went on and on in a shrill voice–all in front of my roommate.

I could not stop myself from berating her. It gave me a release that seemed impossible to deny.

It’s hard to convey the utter horror of the bully that I was.

Raging was a regular occurrence for me for over a decade. Managing that anger was impossible as far as I could tell.

I picked on unlucky store clerks, bank tellers and customer service reps.

But most of all, I raged at my husband, whose response was to suffer through my episodes by saying very little and escaping as soon as he could.

I always felt tremendous shame and remorse afterward. But that didn’t help me when the urge arose the next time. And the next, and the next–hundreds of times.

But I no longer feel that urge. I haven’t had a Godzilla episode in over 17 years. I don’t miss them. At all.

The cure for my anger was a byproduct of my journey to fix another problem: My broken marriage.

I’m not the only one—my clients and coaches also report that their anger subsided and they regained their dignity when they adopted these simple practices:

1. I learned how to say what I want without criticism or complaint.

Another embarrassing, out-of-control anger incident happened when my husband took me to Hawaii before we were married.

He thought it would be fun to go see a volcano. I was afraid that if I said that I wanted to go to the beach it would cause a conflict, and therefore separation, and I really wanted to be close.

(That’s what all of us angry women want deep down, by the way–to be close and connected.)

My solution was to be “nice” by ignoring what I wanted and not even telling him.

There was just one problem. I couldn’t quite keep it in.

Just ignoring my own desires didn’t work. They came out sideways and ugly in a temper tantrum.

Now I know how to express my preference directly and beautifully.

These days, I know that sucking it up and ignoring my own desires is a setup for an unpleasant outburst.

2. I made myself happy.

When I was angry, I was also miserable. I thought that was because of my situation and my husband and other things outside of me.

Now I know that it’s my job to make myself happy, and my happiness doesn’t depend on anyone else. That’s all me.

I put myself on a happy plan of doing three pleasurable things a day every day.

Just to make myself feel good.

Just to make me smile.

At first it felt hard. I felt guilty. Suffering and complaining felt more familiar at first.

Now I can tell right away if my happiness tank is low, and I know what to do: Stop, drop and find some fun.

I’ve found it’s hard to be angry when I’m ridiculously happy and grinning.

3. I asked myself how I felt and what I wanted.

In the mad old days, I was focused on what was going on outside of me.

One big distraction was focusing on what my husband hadn’t done and what I thought he should be doing.

Turns out, it’s impossible to take good care of myself when I’m focused on other people. And when I don’t take good care of me, I get mad! And tired. And afraid.

That’s a dangerous combo for a rager like me.

Today, I’m constantly turning my attention back to myself by asking myself these two magical questions:

How do I feel?

What do I want?

Tuning into, listening to and honoring myself this way gives me an astonishing sense of calm and confidence.

That’s something angry me didn’t know about.

4. I practiced acting in faith when I felt incredibly afraid.

Along with being an angry person, I was also a controlling person, which means I was a fearful person.

Control is always about being afraid.
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Problem was, all that control was hurting my marriage.

When I developed my world-famous system for relinquishing inappropriate control of my husband, it included deciding to act in faith by trusting him–even when I felt afraid he was going to screw up the taxes and we’d end up with a big IRS bill, for example.

The more I practiced letting go of the control, the more courageous I actually became. I was feeding my faith and starving my fear.

The more courageous I became, the less the fear would mix with the anger and cause an explosion.

Then one glorious day, my faith became bigger than my fear, and there were no more explosions.

5. I let myself fall apart.

One of the things I feared the most was dropping all the balls I had in the air. Most of them weren’t even mine, but I imagined that I was keeping them in the air anyway.

My worst fear was falling apart and having everyone see how very small and scared I felt. How far over my head I really was. I didn’t want to be vulnerable like that.

But it turns out that was actually a great thing to do.

When I finally fell apart and cried, shooting tears and snot out of my face, I thought my husband would be disgusted. Instead, he came closer.

He thinks that side of me is beautiful.

Who would have thought?

At first, all of these things felt awkward and uncomfortable. They seriously challenged my beliefs about the world and myself.

And it’s not to say that I never get angry. I get furious at some of the ridiculous relationship advice I read, for example.

But it’s what I’d call clean anger–not rage. It’s not dirtied by fear and resentment, and it doesn’t drive me to lash out at loved ones or hapless store clerks.

If I’m mad at someone I’m close to, I can look for the hurt underneath and lead with my vulnerability to preserve the connection.

“Anger management” seems like the wrong term to me now. I’m not so much managing my anger as I am honoring myself.

I’m happy to say that underneath that angry exterior was the real me: a soft, calm and loving woman.

If you identify with my anger issues, I hope you get that it’s not just me–that you could also be free of the kind of anger you desperately want to manage and can’t.

That’s what I see over and over for the women who adopt the practices above.

I’m confident that if you adopt the same practices, what would emerge for you would be just as beautiful and amazing.

The post Anger Management for Women appeared first on Laura Doyle.

My Husband Is Not Attracted to Me

Why it’s Not What You Think and How to Solve the Real Problem

One of the most common problems I hear from wives is, “My Husband is not attracted to me anymore.”

It’s always heartbreaking, because I remember how lousy that felt.

And like me, the women who write to me with this usually think the problem is either that she married the wrong guy, or that her weight, her age, or her post-baby body has made her less beautiful.

And that’s painful, to think you don’t look good enough to get a pat on the butt or bedroom eyes anymore.

But how she looks is simply not the issue. Nor is it that she married the wrong guy.

Those weren’t the problems in my marriage when my husband was acting repulsed instead of attracted to me.

There was something else entirely going on, and it was a huge relief to finally discover it and get those butt pats and bedroom eyes back.

It was actually pretty simple to fix and had so many other benefits for me.

Here’s what I did that got my husband to be ridiculously attracted to me again…
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I Stopped Acting Like His Mother

As you already know, men are not sexually attracted to their mothers. And they aren’t sexually attracted to women (even supermodels!) who act like their mothers, either.

Unfortunately, that was exactly who I had unwittingly become in the early years of our marriage: his mom.

I didn’t think it was so bad to buy his underwear or remind him not to forget his wallet, or to tell him that he was watching too much TV, or that it was time to get some chores done.

It seemed fine to me—helpful, even.

I even joked with friends about it, making comments like, “I have one child. He’s 37.”

I didn’t see anything wrong with it because I knew lots of other women who were the same way.

As I kvetched with my friends, we all agreed that we had to treat our husbands like children because they acted like children.

One friend told me how she had to inform her husband that there was a big building near their house where he could buy food. “It’s called a grocery store,” she told him.

Another one had to tell her husband when it was time to get a haircut. She said she had to “lay down the law” about it.

Still another made all of her husband’s doctor and dentist appointments, and woke him up to go to work–like a human alarm clock.

So I figured taking care of my husband was just part of being a wife.

But it wasn’t long before he seemed to be avoiding me. And that really hurt.

I felt lonely and rejected.

I was also resentful about having to do everything for him. I wondered why he couldn’t be more helpful.

In some ways, I wasn’t very attracted to him either––just as mothers aren’t sexually attracted to their sons.

I Became His Lover Again

Besides thinking I wasn’t physically attractive, another thought I had was that he had changed.

But looking back now, I can see that I didn’t act like his mom when we were dating.

Back then I was flirting, laughing at his jokes, smiling at him, thanking him for taking me out, and admiring him.

Back in those glory days, he couldn’t keep his hands off of me.

So maybe he wasn’t the one who changed.

I hadn’t realized that acting like his mother and being his lover were mutually exclusive, but now I know that they are.

How I Stopped Being His Mom

At first, I couldn’t figure out how to resign from my maternal role in my marriage, even though I had volunteered for it.

I thought that if I stopped being responsible for everything that he would have holey underwear, never go to the doctor, watch too much TV and let the trash pile up endlessly.

But I decided to experiment anyway because I was so exhausted and lonely.

I decided I wouldn’t do anything for him that he could do for himself.

He is a grown man, totally capable at work, so I had to believe there was a possibility that he could manage the things I’d taken over––even though it didn’t seem like it to me at the time.

Sure enough, that’s when my husband stepped up and took care of business like the grown man he is.

Only, he didn’t do it the way I would have done things.

I was tempted to tell him why my way was better, but when I did, that just got me back into the dreaded mom role.

What I really wanted was to be his lover again.

So I stopped doing things for him, and teaching him how to do them. I treated him like he didn’t need any help.

And a funny thing happened. He started to pat my butt again and make bedroom eyes at me.

Now that I don’t mother my husband anymore, he’s back to stealing a kiss whenever he can. He’s attracted to me again.

It’s not just me. Thousands of women who have decided they’d rather be their husband’s lover than his mother have the same experience of the passion coming back and being as hot as ever.

Do you find yourself tempted to mother your husband? Is it worth the cost?

What are you doing for him that he could be doing for himself? Share your thoughts in the comments section below.

The post Husband not Attracted to Me appeared first on Laura Doyle.

How to Attract Your Husband in Bed

5 Lies About Married Sex that Everyone Thinks Are True

If the sizzle is missing from your bedroom, you may think (like I did) that it’s because of circumstances beyond your control.

The good news is that the real reason the passion is running low is probably something well within your power to change, which means it’s within your power to enjoy feeling sexy and desirable again.

The key is recognizing what stands between you and the satisfying physical connection we all want.

If sex is rare or non-existent in your relationship, you may have chalked it up to one of these common myths. The sooner you uncover the real reason your love life is disappointing, the sooner you can skyrocket the passion again.

Here are the common misconceptions women have about why they’ve been in a long dry spell, along with the underlying cause so you can make the adjustments to attract your husband in bed.

1. It’s not happening because he doesn’t like how I look.

I hear this one a lot.

We women are so afraid we just aren’t pretty enough to turn him on anymore, but I promise you it’s unlikely that this is the reason sex has gone missing in your relationship.

Even if he says it’s because you’ve put on weight or that he’s not physically attracted to you anymore, that’s just a distraction from the real problem. Don’t get sidetracked worrying about that.

The fact is, you still have a woman’s form, so you’re all good there.

When a husband shows a lack of attraction to his wife, it’s either because he doesn’t feel respected, or because he feels mothered by his wife. It’s often both.

What happens in the rest of the relationship has everything to do with what happens in the bedroom.

Respect is the best aphrodisiac for men.
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If he’s feeling respected as a man, and not demeaned or like a little boy, it’s amazing how quickly he becomes attracted to his wife again.

2. If you want it to happen, you just need to be the aggressor.

It makes sense that if you want to have physical intimacy, you should just come out and say so, or get things going by doing the thing you know men like.

That’s how you get things done at work, after all—just be direct and speak up assertively, right?

But that’s not so effective when it comes to lovemaking.

Saying things like, “We should have sex,” or even, “Do you want to go mess around?” just isn’t as effective as using your natural magnetism.

In fact, that kind of instigating is a turn-off, not a turn-on.

If you think about it, that’s not how you got together initially. Chances are he was the aggressor when it came to sex in the early days. All you had to do back then was be receptive.

Turns out, that’s still a good approach—just being receptive rather than aggressive.

I know the fear is that since he never initiates it now, if you don’t say or do something it will never happen.

But my experience is that when you stop obsessing about how it’s not happening and go back to flirting and making yourself feel happy, we women are like magnets to steel.

3. Since men are ready to have sex any time, he must be the problem.

Actually, that’s us women you’re thinking of. Women are perpetually ready for sex physically.

Of course, it may take a little doing to get us in the mood, and sometimes it may not be very convenient, but women can always perform sexually. That’s never an issue because that’s how we’re made.

But performance can be an issue for men. And anytime they feel pressured to perform but can’t, that can be embarrassing.

Most humans will go a long way to avoid feeling embarrassed or disappointing someone they love.

He may be avoiding the whole topic to protect himself from feeling embarrassed or like he’s disappointed you.

Consider seizing your opportunities when they arise, instead of trying to get them to arise when you want them to. Pun intended.

It may sound funny, but if you want a hotter sex life, say yes when he’s ready to rock. You may not start out in the mood, but that doesn’t mean you won’t get there.

4. The lack of sex is because of his health, his job, stress, the kids, etc.

If you chalked the lack of action up to stress, work, the kids or his health condition—well, all of that can have a chilling effect on physical intimacy for a time, sure.

But if the lull has lasted months or years, there’s likely something else amiss.

A great sex life is all that it’s cracked up to be, but getting back there can feel vulnerable. And if you’ve been thinking it’s up to him to solve this and all you can do is wait, consider the possibility that the ball is likely in your court.

It may feel incredibly risky, uncomfortable and awkward to let him know that you miss being touched that way, but that could also be the key to busting out of the sad status quo.

There’s nothing more attractive or compelling to a man than to see his wife’s vulnerability.

5. Once he can’t perform, it won’t come back.

One of the astonishing things I’ve been privileged to witness as a relationship coach is that physical issues with male sexual performance are often temporary and circumstantial, rather than permanent and hopeless.

Often when a woman starts practicing The Intimacy Skills, the sexual chemistry is restored, and suddenly he’s good as new again.

Of course, we live in the age of modern medicines that can also address male sexual performance, which is another possibility.

But what I’m talking about is that husbands with problems that seemed like stubborn physical challenges in bed have regained their function when the wife focused on revitalizing other aspects of the relationship.

In other words, you have the power to make your sex life vibrant again, and it will happen as a byproduct of making your marriage magical again by practicing the Intimacy Skills.

And when you do, you won’t wonder how to attract your husband in bed because you’ll be busy enjoying the fireworks.

The post How to Attract Your Husband in Bed appeared first on Laura Doyle.

What Men Find Irresistible

11 Hacks that Make Men Go Gaga with Passion and Desire

If you’ve ever spent an evening with your man or a date and ended up being his life coach, you already know that doesn’t make you irresistible.

Quite the opposite, actually.

All that good advice you gave him did not lead to more dates, or make him pull you in with both arms and shower you with kisses, or look deep into your eyes and say that he loved you more than anyone has ever loved anyone.

But there are 11 simple behaviors that men find irresistible in women, and not one of them has to do with hair, makeup or how you dress.

None of them are manipulations. They won’t make you seem desperate. You won’t have to dumb down.

In fact, they’ll help you be your best self—your real self.

Here’s how you can become supermodel-style irresistible to a man whether he’s your long-time…
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1. Be Vulnerable

A study at The University of Toronto found that women are more emotional than men.

There’s research money well-spent, right?

But it’s true that we women have emotional brilliance that men find wondrous and alluring. In particular, our vulnerability draws them in like lions to gazelles.

Being vulnerable means revealing the less-than-perfect parts of you. The shy part. The tender part. The part that’s afraid of spiders.

Trying to impress him with how independent you are will never attract him in the way that admitting you’re feeling over your head in your new job, or that you felt embarrassed at the parent teacher conference would, for example.

You don’t have to have it all together to be irresistible. He’s looking to be able to make a contribution to your life, and seeing your vulnerability inspires him to believe that he could.

2. Listen

The best conversationalists are good listeners.

Letting a man talk without interrupting, correcting him or trying to teach him something will make you a tall, cool glass of water in the desert.

He’ll tell you everything on his mind if you create the emotional safety of leaving lots of space for him to talk and say only, “Uh-huh,” or, “I hear you.”

You don’t have to agree or disagree. Just listen. Try it for an hour tonight with your guy, or on your next date.

He won’t be able to get enough of you.

3. Be Receptive

Receptivity is the essence of femininity, and that’s what men are fundamentally attracted to.

Being open and receptive—to his compliments, his help, his gifts—is to be feminine.

Therefore, to be incredibly attractive, be receptive.

Instead of giving to him or doing things for him, let him give and do for you—even if it makes you feel uncomfortable and squishy inside.

He’ll be 10 times more in love with you on the day he’s knocked himself out to build you a deck, set up your new computer or helped you move than he would if you didn’t trouble him.

If you let him admire you, praise you, lift things for you and solve some of your problems he’ll say, “I don’t know what it is, but I just want to make you happy.”

4. Be Pleasable

If you’re unhappy no matter what he does, you’re going to be resistible. Really resistible––like avoidable.

If you’re happy and you know it then your face will surely show it and he’ll see an opportunity to pile on by bringing you your favorite ice cream, a bracelet or a designer sweater.

Why? Because making you happy makes him feel good and you are irresistible when you make him feel that way.

5. Expect the Best

One woman was walking with a date when he announced he was taking her to a particular restaurant. She knew that it was on the next block over and they were going away from it.

But she decided to trust him to find his way there, which they eventually did, but not before they’d run into some street entertainers who made the night magical, which she would have missed if she’d said, “You’re going the wrong way!”

Expecting the best from her date let her be open to unexpected fun and had him inexplicably fascinated with the woman who trusted and expected the best from him.

6. Be the Goddess of Fun and Light

The more you focus on having fun, the hotter you become. You’ll never be more magnetizing then when you’re doing your happy dance and laughing and smiling.

Look for ways to delight yourself no matter where you are and what the circumstances. Commit time and energy to having fun every day, and your man will seek you out to spend ever more time with you.

If you haven’t made yourself happy, you’re not going to be irresistible. But the more you’re filled up with joy, the more you’ll notice him finding reasons to be where you are.

7. Be a Seductress

As a wife, you may be tempted to be the aggressor when it comes to physical intimacy, but consider how much more attractive you’ll be to him if instead you seduce him with your body, your scent and your voice.

I’m not saying don’t initiate—I’m just saying when you do, take the irresistible approach of inviting him to make the first move by letting him know you’d be willing.

That way you get to feel the thrill of knowing he can’t keep his hands off of you.

Nothing is sexier to him—or more gratifying for you.

8. Focus on his Strength

If your man is ailing, or needs a new resume or his laundry done, you might be tempted to take care of him—kinda like his mom would. But men don’t find their moms irresistible.

Consider mirroring the strength you see in him instead of the weakness.

Of course you empathize that he’s sick, but rather than babying him, you could affirm him for being such a strong man.

Show that you trust he’ll do a good job on his resume or the laundry.

There’s nothing more appealing than a woman who reflects the strength and capability she sees in her man.

9. Express Gratitude

The more you appreciate what your man does for you, the more he’ll knock himself out looking for more ways to gain your appreciation.

He’ll love knowing that he pleased you in small ways so much, he’ll look for more and bigger ways.

Hearing your thanks and delight is music to his ears and will make you seem like the most beautiful woman who ever lived.

10. Sometimes, Say Nothing

I’m don’t recommend dumbing down. You know what you know, and you can use that to your advantage at any time.

But sometimes it’s advantageous to say nothing, even if you think you know the answer to all his problems.

The Goddess of Wikipedia who knows everything? She’s resistible.

The more you focus on being the expert on your own life—and trust that he’s the expert on his life—the more he’ll go to any length to get next to you.

There’s an expression that it’s better to have some of the questions than all of the answers. That’s certainly true when it comes to being irresistible to a man.

11. Remember Who You Are

I promised that none of what makes you irresistible is hair, makeup or what you wear, and that’s true.

Irresistibility comes from inside.

But what makes you attractive to him is that you have the mind, spirit and body of a woman. The more you dial that up, the more attractive you’ll be.

So one way to be physically irresistible is to celebrate that female form—whether it’s by noticing the swing of your hips when you walk, or the feel of a skirt around your legs or even his hand on the small of your back.

Whatever your shape or size, you were born with the goods that make you a magnet to your man.

There’s every reason to rejoice about your feminine form since it’s part of what makes him rejoice about you.

The post What Men Find Irresistible appeared first on Laura Doyle.

Not Attracted to Your Husband?

Here’s how to get out of marriage purgatory now

When I married my husband, I thought he was the most handsome, smart, funny, talented guy I’d ever met. I couldn’t wait to spend the rest of my life with him.

But a few short years into our marriage, I couldn’t remember anything I liked about him. He seemed pathetic, immature, lacking ambition and sloppy.

He was the same guy, but my view of him had changed.

I thought I made a mistake and should divorce and try to find someone who suited me better.

Looking back, I now realize that I would have found myself in the same situation with the next handsome, smart, funny, talented guy.

I had 3 behaviors that were making my husband seem less attractive.
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They weren’t enhancing the rest of my life, either. At all.

It wasn’t until I changed those habits that I went back to seeing him the way I did on our wedding day.

When I finally woke up and realized what I was doing, I noticed I wasn’t the only one. Lots of wives have these same tendencies, and they contribute to a lot of NET (Needless Emotional Turmoil) and even divorce.

Here’s what the bad habits are, along with what you can do to turn your frog back into a prince:

1. Male bashing

Jenna was surprised when her husband decided to hose off their sick kid after he threw up instead of putting him in the tub.

Jessica found it unbelievable that her husband wanted to watch sports for so many hours on the weekend.

Haley found it completely unreasonable that her husband wouldn’t let her throw out his holy t-shirts.

Men really are from some other planet than women, no doubt about it. And when we expect men to do anything the way women do things, we’re bound to be disappointed.

I used to have a bad habit of getting together with other women to talk about how ridiculous, thoughtless and immature men are, and I punctuated my points with examples of my husband enjoying inane shows like The Three Stooges, or not wiping off the counter when he cleaned the kitchen, or proposing hamburgers when I said I wanted to have a healthy lunch.

But talking about men–including my own husband–that way and hearing my friends put their men down didn’t help me feel more accepting and closer to my guy. Quite the opposite: it had me questioning why I decided to live with him in the first place.

He picked up on it when I made snide remarks echoing the finely-honed put-downs we’d fashioned in our male bashing sessions, and he reacted defensively–which just reinforced my negative view of him.

That’s not a fun place to go, but a night of male bashing with my girlfriends would reliably get me to that lonely spot.

These days when I hear a woman starting down that old dirt road, I’m quick to change the subject, knowing she’s not going anywhere I want to go.

When I focus instead on all the ways my husband makes my life richer–making me laugh, making my tea in the morning, paying the bills, making up songs about me–I remember exactly why I chose him.

In fact, now I hear so many stories of men knocking themselves out to make their wives and girlfriends happy or to serve their families, my whole perspective has changed.

These days I see examples of men being chivalrous, thoughtful and heroic every day, which I admire very much.

2. Mothering my husband

Any time you tell your husband to “settle down” or “put that away” or even “take out the trash,” you’ve just left the role of his wife and lover and started acting like his mother.

The same is true if you remind him to call his mom, wake him up for work, or act like his nurse when he’s ailing physically.

I wrote about this in a blog about what to do if your husband is not attracted to you, but it’s just as likely to cause you to feel less attracted to him, or even repulsed by him.

When I was doing maternal things for my husband, I found him really unappealing. Since mothers are not sexually attracted to their sons, putting myself in that role was a terrible set up for sustaining passion and intimacy.

Turns out he didn’t want to be parented, and he responded badly when I acted like his smother mother. I couldn’t believe he would be so ungrateful and rude when I was sacrificing doing what I wanted to do so I could help him with his responsibilities!

These days, I’m much more focused on myself than what he’s doing or not doing. Even when he’s sick, I’m sympathetic, but also quick to say he’s a strong man instead of telling him to lie down or keep his foot elevated. He’s smart enough to figure all of that out himself.

The result is that he seems much more competent and capable to me, which is far more attractive, and I’m also more attractive to him without the maternal aura. And part of what I’m attracted to about him is how well he admires me. Win-win!

3. Making myself a martyr

Another bad habit I had in my early marriage was being the martyr who was constantly working her fingers to the bone and getting cranky about it a lot.

I was giving so much I was miserable. And to be honest, I hated pretty much everyone.

I especially hated my husband, because…he happened to be nearby.

Since I was not happy, he clearly was not making me happy.

It wouldn’t have mattered if I was married to Ryan Gosling’s character from The Notebook–I would have thought he was a worthless, incompetent baby.

That’s how miserable I was.

It really had nothing to do with my unsuspecting husband, who didn’t force me to deplete myself with things I thought I had to do. I did that myself.

Today, I’m focused on doing everything I can to make myself happy, including taking naps, gabbing with my friends and playing volleyball, for example. And guess what?

My husband seems waaaaay more attractive.

Yours will too when you stop male-bashing, mothering and making yourself a martyr.

The post Not Attracted to Your Husband? appeared first on Laura Doyle.

Depressed Husband

4 Surprisingly Effective Ways to Bring Him Back to Life

Being married to Eeyore is excruciating.

You’ve got to wonder why your guy doesn’t just look on the bright side.

But that’s not how depression works.

It makes sense that you want his depression to lift already so that the two of you can get back to laughing and having fun again.

His dark mood may be causing you more work, more loneliness and more heartbreak than you’d like to admit.

It’s frustrating.

Of course you’re not responsible for your husband’s depression, since you can only control yourself.

But you have tremendous influence over his outlook on life, including whether he feels confident and can-do or spirals into what’s-the-use mode.

Here are four powerful ways you can make the sun come out tomorrow.

Bet your bottom dollar on it:

1) Make Yourself Happy

You’re not the one who’s depressed, I realize, but you can’t say you’re overjoyed either, I bet.

Here’s how I know: husbands take a great deal of their sense of self-worth from knowing they are making their wives happy.

I’ve asked thousands of men about this. They all say the same thing about how vital it is for their wives to be happy.

Every. Single. One.

If you’re not happy, then he feels he’s failing at that vital mission.

And if you’ve been unhappy for years, he’s likely to feel that he’s got an impossible job he’ll never succeed at.

Who wouldn’t be depressed?

Therefore, instead of focusing on how he’s so blue, get into the pink yourself.

You may feel like his gloominess is the reason it’s hard to be happy yourself, and I get that. But there are still good times to be had.

Listen to your favorite up-tempo song five times in a row and do your happy dance.

Watch a movie you love, and talk to the friend who makes you laugh the hardest.

Have a chocolate éclair and a cup of coffee at a pretty café while you read a gossip page for 20 minutes.

While you’re in the afterglow, say out loud, while he’s in earshot, “I’m so happy! I feel great.”

Do whatever you can to make yourself smile so that he has a chance of feeling successful at making you happy.

Granted, you did it yourself, but now he knows that it’s possible for you to be happy, and he will want to pile on.

This step is indispensable for busting up your man’s blues because his outlook won’t improve one bit until yours does.

But on the flip side, as soon as he hears you laughing and sees you doing your groove thing down the hall, he will perk up.

I see it happen all the time.

2) Act Like You Trust Him

Depressed husbands need love the most when they deserve it the least.

Husbands feel loved when they know you see them as capable and competent.
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If he’s been out-of-sorts for a while, you may have started covering for him by putting the kids’ cheer competition on his calendar so he won’t forget, or reminding him to call his mom, or suggesting that he go to the doctor for antidepressants, for example.

You mean to help, but implicit in your actions is the message, “I don’t trust you to run your own life.”

That translates into, “You’re not capable and competent.”

For a husband, saying this is the same as saying, “You’re not lovable.”

Actions really do speak louder than words, and you can imagine how hearing that message from the woman who knows him best in the world would weaken his spirit.

I know you didn’t mean to make your husband’s gloomy mood worse. I didn’t either. But that’s what I unwittingly did before I knew any better.

It wasn’t until I started acting like I trusted him to take care of his life and some things for the both of us that my husband started to regain his optimism and confidence.

But as soon as I did, everyone noticed something was up with my husband.

“What happened to John?” they would ask me. “Has he been working out? He looks different.” One friend even said, “John looks taller.”

That’s because he was standing taller.

The same will happen to your husband when you start acting like you think he’s competent—even if that means you have to pretend.

3) Ask for His Help with Your Problem

On his show The Dog Whisperer, Cesar Millan helped a couple whose dog was restless and destructive by making a backpack for the dog to carry.

When the couple walked the dog with his backpack on, it changed the dog’s whole demeanor. You could see the dog puffing up with pride that he had made a contribution to his “pack.”

Your husband has the same inner drive to feel useful, and may feel similarly distressed if you’re eliminating the need for him to contribute by operating independently.

Consider running a problem past him and asking for his thoughts on how to solve it.

Ask if you can “borrow his brain.”

It could be something at work that you’re not sure how to handle, or a worry about your mom, or his advice on how to get your phone to stop playing music randomly.

You may not feel you need his help, but wouldn’t it be nice to have it?

He may come up with something you never would have thought of. Husbands often do. That’s one of the reasons you married him.

If you like his idea, great–you can thank him and be on your way.

If you don’t like his idea, chances that means there’s something else you want that he doesn’t know about and he needs that information to help you get it.

Maybe you want to solve the problem without troubling your boss, or bring your sister along, or to have your phone just behave itself without carving out time for tech support…and his plan doesn’t allow for that additional thing you want.

Even if what you want doesn’t seem all that reasonable, that’s okay–you can let him know that part too by saying, “I also wanted _____.”

Continue to express each desire as you recognize it during this conversation so he can make suggestions that take those into consideration.

The goal is not for you to just do what he suggests because he suggests it. The goal is for you to have what you really want.

That’s what he wants too–to make you happy.

4) Appreciate Him Three Times a Day

Here’s where we are so far: you’re happy and your husband sees that, and he knows he can succeed in making you happy.

He also knows you think he’s competent and capable.

He’s even feeling the glow of knowing that he’s solved your problem.

Who wouldn’t be feeling more optimistic already, right?

You might even catch him whistling, or laughing, or making bedroom eyes at you again, like his old self.

That’s how successful and light he’s going to feel when you implement these suggestions. And that’s true if he’s been diagnosed with depression and he’s on medication, or he’s been diagnosed and he’s not on medication, or he refuses to get diagnosed.

None of that matters nearly as much as what he sees when he looks in his wife-mirror.

Now it’s time to put the frosting on the frosting by appreciating him at least three times a day for his contributions, big or small.

You can be grateful he made your coffee, or shuttled one of the kids to their lessons, or that he works so hard to support the family (even if you do, too).

Appreciate that he unloaded the dishwasher, that he listened to your problem, and that he was so accommodating when your family was over.

Acknowledge that he lightens your load because he takes good care of the cars, handles the taxes or whacks the weeds.

When you do, you’ll no longer find yourself tempted to tell him to “snap out of it.”

You won’t need to because soon, he will be out of the depressed fog and seeing possibilities and feeling hopeful.

He’ll also be feeling proud, competent and accomplished again.

After all, the woman who knows him best in the world treats him that way.

That’s all the evidence he needs that all is right with the world.

The post Depressed Husband appeared first on Laura Doyle.

My Husband’s Not Affectionate

4 Simple Ways to Stop Begging and Restore Your Magnetism

When I was at the lowest point in my marriage–feeling completely dejected and lonely because my husband was not affectionate–I kept reading advice from experts who insisted that the solution was to say, “I have a serious concern about your lack of affection.”

The underlying premise of this advice is that my husband just did not know that I liked affection.

Or maybe he did not realize he did not show affection. He just somehow…forgot.

But telling him to be more affectionate never works, as I’m sure you already know from trying it yourself.

If anything, that drove him further away.

Sometimes he’d leave tire marks in the driveway.

It wasn’t until I learned the 4 simple concepts below and started applying them in my marriage that I stopped feeling the urge to ask why my husband doesn’t show affection.

That’s because the smooching, the pats on the butt, and the fireworks in the bedroom came back.

Here’s what cures a non-affectionate man:
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1. Stop Talking About It

Reminding my husband periodically that he was not affectionate was the surefire way to make him show affection. Everybody said so.

So I did that. Repeatedly. But whether I begged, cajoled, demanded or made a friendly suggestion, it never worked.

Not once.

Oh sure, there were times when he obediently hugged and kissed me, but that didn’t scratch my itch.

If anything, it made my pain and dejection more acute. Because the truth is, getting him to hug and kiss me wasn’t what I wanted; I wanted him to WANT to hug and kiss me.

I wanted to feel desired, just like the old days when he was always smooching me or patting my butt.

Since I had to order him to be affectionate, it was evident that he didn’t want to.

And that hurt. A lot.

Begging for kisses and hugs feels lousy–even if he complies.

Not only did I feel needy and undignified doing it, it only pushed him further away.

So step one for me was to stop listening to that terrible advice (which still, to this day, makes me want to punch someone in the nose).

Instead, consider taking his lack of affection as an indication that he is not feeling loved either, even if you are being affectionate with him.

Rather than telling him what he should do, consider reminding yourself that you can naturally restore the petting and flirting by being your best self again.

2. Employ the World’s Best Aphrodisiac for Men

What’s that? You didn’t know there was an aphrodisiac for men? And that it’s super effective, works fast, and it’s free?

Me, neither–for years. No one ever told me.

Maybe no one ever mentioned it to you either.

When someone finally did tell me, I had no idea what they were talking about.

I’ll spell it out (while you imagine Aretha singing it): R-E-S-P-E-C-T.

But here’s the thing: if you’re anything like me, you have no idea what that looks like. I thought I WAS being respectful even though I was disrespectful like 27 times a day.

Hopefully you’re not as bad as I was, ‘cause there was a lot of eye-rolling, sighing, interrogation, accusation and questioning his judgment going on around here. Like, tons. Not to mention constructive criticism, complaining about what he did, and downright rude comments.

I thought of it as “being helpful,” or doing what the experts suggested by “expressing a concern.”

All of it seemed justified to me…and all of it ruined my chances that he was ever going to come in for a passionate kiss.

I had no idea that was why my husband didn’t show affection for me. But now when I look at these pictures, it seems pretty obvious:

Before: Disrespectful

After: Respectful

Okay, so those aren’t me, but they are reasonable facsimiles of how I appear when I’m disrespectful versus respectful.

You know how you want him to see you as irresistible, beautiful and lovable? He wants you to see him as smart, capable and strong in the same way.

If you don’t, he won’t be affectionate.

When you start acting like he is smart, capable and strong (even if you don’t think so) that will go a long way toward bringing back the makeout sessions, snuggling and sex you’re craving.

3. Bring Back Emotional Safety

What is emotional safety?

It’s when you admit that you just threw a handful of M&Ms into the living room for your kids to find so you could talk on the phone without interruption for a few minutes, and your friend doesn’t judge you but says, “Wow, great idea!”

It’s when your husband tells you that he just lost a grip of money because the stocks he bought went down. Way down. And you say, “Oh well, it’s only money,” instead of telling him he should have checked with you first.

It’s knowing you won’t be ridiculed, humiliated, outcast, or criticized even when you sing a Katy Perry song that’s way out of your range.

It’s what you had early in your relationship, when he was affectionate and you felt desired and you admired him so much for who he was.

Familiarity really does breed contempt sometimes, but it doesn’t have to. You could decide to be as admiring now as you were back then.

Start by letting him talk, and you just listen by saying, “Uh-huh,” or, “Mmmm.”

Letting him talk without correcting, suggesting, teaching, advising or freaking out is a very good start.

4. Be The Goddess of Fun and Light (GOFL)

Remember that time you went camping and you and your friend couldn’t stop laughing for an hour?

Or the other day when you were doing your Zumba moves in the kitchen?

What about when you put cereal boxes and fake blood on your shirt for Halloween and called yourself a cereal killer?

Those are just a few examples of you being the real you—the Goddess of Fun and Light.

You are at your best when you’re the manifestation of Cyndi Lauper’s profoundly astute anthem: “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun.”

Yes, I am calling you a girl even though you’re well over 12, because every woman has an inner just-wanna-have-fun-girl, and if you haven’t honored her in a while, it could be time to find your hula hoop, your lip gloss and some tunes that make you step and point.

The GOFL is always looking for a good time, and is open to that taking precedent over doing the laundry.

She brings a sense of fun with her to every situation, even when it all goes wrong and the entire bag of Cheetos is dumped onto the white couch, or she accidentally squirts herself with the hose, or her husband walks on the freshly-mopped floor with muddy boots.

The GOFL sees mishaps as punch lines in the slapstick comedy of life.

Granted, it’s not always easy when the kids are sick, you worked a 12-hour day, and the mortgage is late.

If you can’t remember what you like to do and let yourself do it, you’re not showing much affection for yourself.

Fretting is not going to make your husband more affectionate. But dancing the Macarena at the grocery store? It definitely could.

After all, you were all smiles and laughter when he first put the moves on you.

And he will again when you start giving yourself what you really want: fun.

The post Husband Not Affectionate appeared first on Laura Doyle.

Alternatives to Marriage Counseling

5 Ways to Tell if You’re Getting Help That’s Actually Helpful

By the time I was trying to find marriage counselors, things were pretty bad at our house.

I wasn’t looking for suggestions on how to improve a good thing; I was looking for ways to hold the marriage together before it self-destructed.

I remember knowing that we just couldn’t figure it out ourselves really helped me to be brave about deciding to go. It was more desperation than courage, actually.

Of course, marriage counseling didn’t turn out to be helpful for us, and since a study at UCLA showed that 75% of couples who got traditional behavioral marriage counseling were separated within a year, it probably hasn’t been the answer for you, either.

So it makes sense to look for an alternative.

Here are 5 litmus tests to see if the marriage help you’re getting will actually help:
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1. Does Your Mentor Have What You Want?

Of course, you don’t want a personal trainer who’s a couch potato. You don’t want a financial planner with a mountain of credit card debt.

The most important qualification for someone who is going to help you with your marriage is that she has the kind of relationship you want.

If you found a counselor who would share openly about her marriage, and the struggles she’s had and how she overcame them, that would really be a stand-out counselor.

Unfortunately, most marriage counselors won’t get into that because, they’ll tell you, counseling is about you–not them.

Certificates on the wall mean they know theories and have learned things in classrooms–just like the flabby trainer and the broke financial planner did.

That’s not going to do you much good, in my experience. It could even make things worse.

Therefore, here’s my best marriage-counseling tip: consider relationship coaching instead.

You might be wondering, what’s the difference between marriage counseling and relationship coaching?

Glad you asked! I happen to have this handy chart:

I’ve had the honor of hearing a lot of happy stories from women who have benefitted from relationship coaching. That’s why I consider it such a great alternative to marriage counseling.

2. Is She Helping You Work on You or on Your Relationship?

There’s actually no such thing as working on a relationship.

There’s only working on yourself, and then the other person responds to you in a much better way.
That’s one reason couples counseling is so unproductive. You could be there just waiting for the other person to finally shape up, like I was when my husband and I went to marriage counseling.

It’s tempting and human to want to blame the other person and to point out all the ways that they could improve, but it won’t get you the connection you’re wanting. Ever.

The blame train doesn’t go to happily-ever-after land.

Focusing on the things you’d like to improve about yourself–like being more respectful, laughing instead of snapping or yelling, smiling more, and expecting the best from your spouse and choosing your faith instead of your fear, for example–will get you a tender response and restore the passion a lot faster.

What’s going to make your relationship feel a lot easier is learning the right skills, not waiting for someone else to change or telling them what they need to change.

I already did that, so let’s not both make that mistake.

Life got significantly better when I started focusing on my small corner of the world instead of looking at all that I thought my husband should do differently.

3. Will She Sit on the Same Side of the Table as You?

In order to improve your relationship, things have to change.

If you want things to improve, that means you want to change so things can get better.

What helps nurture change, which can be uncomfortable, is emotional safety.

Knowing you won’t be kicked out of the tribe, shamed or ridiculed is a critical part of being able to make the changes that make your marriage magical again.

You need room to try new approaches and phrases, even though you may feel awkward or foolish at times while you’re trying to learn the new steps.

The way to get that safety is to get help from someone who has also made mistakes and is willing to tell you about the time she tried to tell her husband how to install a dryer hose and ended up flinging a copy of The Five Love Languages at him, for instance.

If you’re going to tell someone embarrassing stories, knowing some of hers too is going to make you feel safer, and therefore braver. And fortune favors the brave.

Having someone who is willing to share her experiences with you–someone who sits on the same side of the table as you and therefore won’t be judging, laughing at or correcting you–can help you make those changes so much faster.

Hearing that your mentor was once ready to divorce her husband, but that he just took her on a romantic getaway weekend to the beach is also proof positive–not just a theory–that your marriage could really get better, too.

Especially if she kinda reminds you of you.

4. Does She Trust You to Make Your Own Choices?

When I hear from a client who tells me she ended her marriage because a marriage counselor authoritatively told her she should because it was obvious that her marriage was over, it always breaks my heart.

I hear about that happening way too much.

You are the expert on your own life, and nobody knows better what you should do than you.

Does that mean you’ll make mistakes? Of course you will. But those are your mistakes to make. You’ll get a lot of things right too, because you know your situation best.

That means that no expert knows what’s best for you–only you know that.

Of course, you will still be open to suggestions, willing to experiment, do exercises and learn new skills.
But you get to decide when to apply those skills and do those experiments. And a good relationship coach is not going to insist that you to take a certain course of action because she thinks it would be best for you.
She knows better.

It wouldn’t work anyway because of human nature, which is that nobody likes to be told what to do. We’re an autonomy-loving species, and most of us will go way out of our way to NOT do something if someone else says we should.

A good relationship coach is happy to be your guide, remind you of your commitment, share her experience, bring encouragement and inspiration, and ask powerful, perspective-changing questions.

She will be your mirror. She will acknowledge and celebrate your progress.

But she recognizes that she knows only a little about you, and she trusts you to find your own way without her telling you what to do.

5. Does She Know The 6 Intimacy Skills?

I used to think my relationship problems were based on deep childhood issues that I couldn’t quite sort out.

And, of course, that my husband was a loser-face.

But it turns out that I just didn’t have the training I needed.

I hadn’t learned the skills that contribute to intimacy.

Now that I know those skills, my marriage and all my other relationships seem so easy, pleasant and gratifying.

It really blew my mind.

So I can’t understand why the 6 Intimacy Skills aren’t taught in every school. After all, we are all going to have relationships. Isn’t that pretty critical to having a good life?

Just learning those skills is such a fantastic alternative to couples counseling.

Having a relationship coach who can help you learn and apply them is a huge shortcut to getting the playfulness and passion back in a relationship.

I know of no better investment to make in your marriage, your personal development and your happiness than working with such a relationship coach.

The post Alternatives to Marriage Counseling appeared first on Laura Doyle.

How to Avoid Divorce by Using Your Feminine Gifts (Part 1)

4 Ways Women Have More Power Than Men to Make Marriage Last

You were born to be cherished by a man.

At one time, you took that for granted.

You probably started fantasizing about it when you were little, dreaming about the moment you would finally meet, or kiss, or fall in love with and marry a cute boy.

You anticipated with great pleasure how much he would desire you, and how he would woo you.

You spoke to your friends and your sisters and your mom about the nature of boys, and marveled at how strange they are.

You delighted in romantic movies and books where the boy got the girl.

You obsessed. You developed crushes. They went nowhere. You agonized. You debated.

All of that was preparation for your job as Keeper of the Relationship.

Sure, you suffered disappointments and challenges in relationships, mostly because you didn’t know about your superpowers as a woman.

If your relationship isn’t all you dreamed it would be, this is the missing piece that you need to not just stop a divorce, but make your relationship worth saving.

How do women have more power than men in romantic relationships?
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What are the gifts of the feminine, and how can you use them to create lasting love?

Glad you asked. I happen to have this list of 4 ways right here:

1. Women Have the Power to Receive Special Treatment

“Women who seek equality with men lack ambition.” –Marilyn Monroe

One big aspect of our gifts is receptivity, which is how willing you are to receive compliments, gifts and help.

It’s so subtle, you might not notice receptivity if you don’t know what to look for.

A receptive woman is inevitably a well-taken-care-of woman.

Her man takes every opportunity to do things he knows will please her.

He memorizes her favorite dessert, opens the door for her, puts gas in her car, tells her she’s beautiful and brings her flowers.

He also does the dishes, gives the baby a bath and works to support the family.

In return, she smiles and says thank you.

She is genuinely grateful. She doesn’t rebuff his offers so she can stay independent, nor does she criticize the way he bathes the baby.

That would be leaving her power by trying to control him, which would weaken them both. To stay in her power, she receives what he offers graciously.

Her man gets a lot out of it because he feels purposeful and successful at pleasing her. They both benefit from their interaction.

You probably enjoyed this kind of virtuous cycle during the early days of your relationship, when you were falling in love and you both felt amazing.

In the past, I might have observed such a woman and said something like, “She must be awfully good in bed to get that kind of treatment.”

But I was missing the whole point, which is that she was taken care of because she was willing to be taken care of.

That brings out a man’s natural desire to please his woman.

You have the same ability to inspire a man’s devotion, but you may not have been tapping into it.

Chances are, nobody ever gave you feminine training.

This is completely different from the assertiveness training we’ve received at work, where you instruct people to do what you want them to do.

That can never be as satisfying in a romance, because your man doesn’t want to feel like your employee.

And part of what we want is for our men to want to please us. Barking orders is no substitute for genuine romance.

Nothing causes the same butterflies of excitement as knowing that he is pursuing you because he finds you irresistible, and taking care of you because you inspire him.

Not that you need anyone to take care of you. You can always take care of yourself.

But it feels good to see a man who’s devoted to you making big and small gestures to delight you, just for the pleasure of seeing you happy.

I can be independent, but it’s even more gratifying to be interdependent.

That doesn’t make you weaker—quite the contrary. Having a man’s attention and help is fortifying.

2. Women Have More Power in the Bedroom

We women are the gatekeepers of sex from the very beginning of the relationship.

It’s up to the woman to say “not yet” or “not now,” because men usually need sex more than women do.

If your husband doesn’t seem that interested in sex lately, there’s an explanation for that here: How to Attract Your Husband in Bed.

Once a man is in an exclusive relationship, he’ll go a long way to make sure that his wife or girlfriend is not upset with him to avoid the unpleasant consequences of not being able to have sex.

That’s not his only motivation; his natural desire to please his woman is compounded by his desire to keep his one and only sex partner happy.

Keeping us happy, as you know, is not that easy to do.

For one thing, we are hormonal. And when we’re hormonal, we’re moody. And we’re hormonal a lot—every month, actually—and also when we’re pregnant, nearing menopause or experiencing menopause.

By comparison, men are a less emotional bunch.

Because they want us to be happy and they want to have sex with us, they do whatever they can to keep us calm even when our bodies are giving us reason to riot.

It’s not an easy task.

My husband has had the audacity to try to have sex with me right when I’m very busy and stressing out.

He’s right that it would help relieve stress to make love.

Whether we do or not is, of course, up to me, just like it’s always up to you.

That’s because we’ve got the power.

Whether they want to keep the sex coming or to please us, guys do things their women want them to do, even if they don’t want to do them.

And they don’t do things their women don’t want them to do, even though they want to.

And that explains why the tough-looking guy I saw at the mall with a shaved head and huge, tattooed arms was pushing a pink stroller and holding his wife’s purse in the bedding department.

Men are not only willing to sacrifice for their families, they see it as their purpose.

There are two more ways that you have enormous power to keep your marriage thriving and avoid divorce, no matter how lonely and broken it is now. Since this blog is getting pretty long, I’ll share them with you next week in part 2.

In the meantime, consider experimenting with your feminine gifts by receiving graciously and opening the gate to physical intimacy if it’s been closed.

The post How to Avoid Divorce by Using Your Feminine Gifts (Part 1) appeared first on Laura Doyle.

How to Avoid a Divorce by Using Your Feminine Gifts (Part 2)

4 Ways Women Have More Power Than Men to Make Marriage Last

Sometimes when I’m talking to a woman who’s struggling in her relationship and I mention feeling desired, cherished and adored, she looks disbelieving.

That’s too pie-in-the-sky for her.

Sure, she wants him to stop playing video games all the time, take out the trash before it’s overflowing and pay more attention to her.

Or if her relationship is in a crisis, she wants him to stop sleeping in the spare bedroom, texting another woman, or to move back home.

But she can’t imagine her man being tender, and looking for ways to make her life easier, and coming up behind her while she’s cooking to kiss her neck.

That seems completely unrealistic to her.

That’s because she doesn’t yet know about her feminine gifts and how to access them.

Last week in Part 1, I gave you a glimpse of how women have more power than men in relationships to avoid divorce.

Today in Part 2, I’m going to show you the rest.

Here are the feminine powers that women can use to make marriage amazing and vibrant again:
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3. Women Have More Power to Sustain Their Marriage for Life

Besides having the power to receive special treatment (#1) and being the gatekeepers for sex (#2), women as a gender also have more power when it comes to long-lasting matrimony.

Here’s why: men rarely initiate divorce—it’s largely women who take that step.

Some statistics have the number of divorces initiated by women as high as 91%.

That number resonates with me when I reflect on all the women my coaches and I have worked with who report that as soon as they got some relationship skills and starting using them in their marriages, their romances completely transformed in a very positive way.

These women reported lasting, amazing, magical results in their marriages just from changing their own behavior.

It stands to reason that these women held the key to improving their relationships, but until they used that power to affect the kind of change they wanted, it was hard for them to see that.

I remember it was hard for me to see it at first, too.

You might argue that a lot of divorces are still the husband’s fault, and that women only initiate more divorces because men do things to make women divorce them, but that’s not what the data shows.

One study found that among women and men whose parents were divorced, only the women had a higher divorce rates themselves—not the men.

Why?

The women from broken homes were using a failed recipe for intimacy in their marriages by modeling what they saw their mothers do.

It stands to reason that if the keeper of the relationship doesn’t have great skills for intimacy, the relationship will flounder.

The guys whose parents split up saw no change in their divorce rate because they don’t have much power to affect the relationship, and they aren’t the ones who initiate divorce, for the most part.

It doesn’t much matter what those men saw modeled in their childhood, because they can’t make or break the romance–that’s up to their wives.

The guys’ job is to show up and try to make us happy–if we’ll let them. And no matter how miserable we are, my experience is that men will keep trying to make us smile.

The reason we initiate more divorces is that as highly emotional beings, we women are constantly re-evaluating our situation, and searching out the source of any unhappiness (i.e., “I do all the work around here!”).

One of the questions we ask ourselves is, “I wonder if I could have married better?”

Familiarity really does breed contempt, and sometimes, because the man we married has certain good qualities that we’re used to having around, we start to crave the qualities he lacks.

If you married an ambitious hard-charger, you might wish for someone with a little more hakuna matata.

And if your partner is very laid back, you may find yourself craving someone more lively or driven.

Add some hormones to that line of thinking, some poor relationship skills and, let’s say, a few nights of inadequate sleep, and what do you get?

A wife who’s asking for a divorce.

Okay, that might be me I’m thinking of. Hopefully you’re less impulsive than I was.

Guys may gripe or feel unhappy, too, but they are a lot less likely to see divorce as an option to improve their situation.

From talking to them, I get the impression that no matter how unhappy they are, they feel their decision to marry their wives is done–and that’s that.

Unless their wives brings it up, most men will not even consider divorce.

Therefore, since you’re the one who’s far more likely to bring it up–not him–you have inordinate power to choose a lifelong marriage instead of divorce.

4. Women have the Power to Set the Culture of the Relationship

You know the expression, “If mama’s not happy, nobody’s happy?”

Of course you do. Because that’s what husbands swear by. They know it to be true.

You have the power to set the culture for the relationship, to make it tender or tense, playful or practical, flirtatious or frustrating.

If you’re having a hard time believing that, it’s only because you haven’t yet learned how to use your power.

You may not even know what your power is, or what it looks like, since it’s completely different from the power you wield at work. But you definitely have the power to Make Your Marriage Happier.

And once you know how to use it, you’ll be on your way to having your birthright, which is lifelong romance with a man who adores, cherishes and desires you.

I know it’s hard to believe.

I didn’t believe I had the key at first, either.

Every woman my coaches and I work with starts out thinking what I used to think: that if only her man would change, the relationship would get better.

But it turns out it’s just the opposite. The change has to come from us women.

You might be thinking, “You don’t know my husband, and he’s just not the type of guy to desire, cherish and adore me.”

That may be true, but if your husband is a good guy, then I know from my work with thousands of women in relationships with regular guys like yours that he really wants to make you happy.

The main thing that’s standing between him and doing that?

It’s most likely you.

Not that you’re trying to sabotage your relationship. I know you’re not.

It might seem like your guy is the one who needs to change, and I’m sure you’ve done what you can to help him improve.

But it turns out, he has very little power to transform your relationship.

And if it’s unhappy, then you have been unwittingly sabotaging it–perhaps because you had bad modeling or because no one taught you the skills to create a great relationship. That’s hardly your fault!

Conversely, if your relationship is dreamy–or at least, parts of it are dreamy–I give you all the credit for using your power wisely.

You can change things right now, starting today, by learning and practicing the skills that contribute to intimacy.

If you know the skills and you’re struggling to apply them in your relationship, that just means you need more support.

I also needed support to practice the skills.

I still do.

That’s why I created a worldwide community of women who are all committed to creating happy relationships, and therefore stronger families. We all help each other to stay encouraged and inspired. It helps a lot!

And together, we’ve been able to avoid divorce by making our marriages great again.

You can do the same thing by using your feminine gifts.

The post How to Avoid a Divorce by Using Your Feminine Gifts (Pt. 2) appeared first on Laura Doyle.

I never thought it would be possible to write a book, become a New York Times best-selling author, and create an international relationship coaching organization. It still blows my mind sometimes.

The truth is, it took me years to figure out what I truly love and explore how to get to do it.

But I’m living my dream job. And I want that for you too.

The pathway to finding your purpose starts with honoring our desires. In this video below, I want to tell you a little more about what finding your purpose can look like and I’ve got an exciting announcement too!

Watch it here:

We’re all better off when you are doing what you’re born to do. Fulfilling your purpose really could change your life.

The post Fulfilling Your Purpose appeared first on Laura Doyle.

Getting Over Being Cheated On

3 Specific Ways You Can Recover and Be Better than Ever

Getting cheated on is ridiculously painful.

It’s a betrayal that hurts like crazy and seems like it could be impossible to recover from–personally, and as a couple.

I mean, how could he?

It’s human to want to make him hurt too, and to yell and throw things. It’s irresistible to berate him.

From crying in your ice cream to asking your sister, “How could he do this to me?” your husband’s affair can take up a lot of room in your head.

You’ll find yourself desperately looking for relief from the sharp ache.

That’s when the doorway marked, “End this relationship!” will look incredibly appealing. It will seem like the fastest way to stop the same relentless thoughts from cycling in your head.

That’s just an illusion, though. The hurt won’t die with the end of the relationship. That’s the bad news.

The Good News: You can absolutely get past the cheating and have a vibrant relationship again.
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Here are 3 ways you can save your relationship by making it better than it’s been for a long time, along with the specific actions that will help you get there and end your suffering in the process.

1. At First, Do Nothing

Before the infidelity, you didn’t want this relationship to end.

Of course you didn’t! You’re the good person who was honoring your commitment to your one and only, before you realized you were married to a lying, rotten, cheater-pants who crushed your hopes and dreams.

He could still be a good guy, believe it or not.

Even though it seems like everything has changed, you still don’t really want the relationship to end.

That doesn’t make you a sucker; it makes you committed. I admire that.

Great things are on the other side of this pain, and commitment will help you get there.

It’s likely that your marriage has been on fire for a while. What’s changed is that you can’t ignore the flames and smoke anymore.

You’re still married to the man you chose, and in whom you saw the potential for a long and happy life together.

And even though there’s been a big breakdown, he’s still that same man.

Your primary motivation for kicking him to the curb right now would be because you want him to hurt.

You could argue that you’re motivated by self-respect—that you want him to know that it’s not okay to cheat on you and that there are consequences, but what you really mean is, “That rat has to pay!”

From one mere mortal woman to another, I understand why you feel that way.

Here’s the problem. Since your fates—your finances, your family, your friends—are bound together with his, that’s the same as making yourself pay. It won’t lessen your pain one iota—it will increase it.

His suffering will be inseparable from your own. Save yourself from being where the heavy boomerang will inevitably land by marshaling all the restraint you possibly can.

Certainly, things are going to have to change, but your relationship status doesn’t have to be one of them.

Commit to moping for a while, definitely. Don’t let anyone out-mope you!

Let your feelings of humiliation, fury and abandonment rise to the surface and have their day in the sun—but consider having them with someone other than your man.

I know it’s counterintuitive, but consider delaying any big decisions, speeches and confrontations for a time when you’ve recovered from the shock.

It could be a while.

The longer, the better.

I’m not suggesting you sweep this under the rug, but I am suggesting that I know of no benefit to crying, screaming and yelling at your betrayer other than catharsis—and you can get that somewhere else for a lot less.

You won’t always feel that you want your husband to hurt.

Hesitating now could save you years of misery.

So step 1, doing nothing at first, may not feel like a step at all. But it’s a big one, a wise one, and it can be done.

It’s exactly what I see women who have come out of infidelity with shiny, happy marriages do.

2. Accept What You Can’t Control

Maybe your husband is still cheating, right this minute, as you read this line. He may see her at work, be texting her, or be in a hotel with her right now.

If only you could make him stop, you’re sure that would be such a relief from your agony.

If you knew he would never do it again for sure, that would make it so much easier to trust him again.

The problem is that’s not at all in your control. And trying to tell him what to do at this point is going to drive him further into her arms—not yours.

Same with begging, pleading, crying, reasoning or threatening him. It all does the opposite of what you want it to do. Plus, it’s pretty exhausting.

Even if you could make him stop by demanding it, it wouldn’t mean much. You want him to choose you because he wants you—not because you said you’d kick him out otherwise.

Crazy as it sounds, once he knows you don’t like it at all, not one bit—which he already does at this point, I’m sure—there’s not one thing left to say to him regarding his mistress.

You can’t control their relationship, but can use your tremendous influence and power to attract him back to you alone.

Every second you spend thinking about her—looking for signs that she’s still in the picture, checking his phone or his social media—is a precious second you lost from creating the future you want with your husband. Plus, it’s going to rip open the wound all over again.

So for now, the mistress may be meddling. But since what you focus on increases, consider putting your focus anywhere but on her.

Instead, consider focusing on what you have control over, which is how you show up in your marriage.

Are you the flirty, magnetic, happy woman you were when you fell in love? If not, take some time to go and find her again and make sure your husband gets to see that side of you.

He found you irresistible before, and he will again if you are consistently the way you were when you fell in love.

3. Decide to Trust Him Again

You may wonder how you’ll ever be able to trust him again.

The answer is to pretend that you do trust him, even though it seems pretty obvious right now that you can’t.

I had to stretch to do this myself with my husband—not around being faithful, but around paying the bills, which was where I had the least amount of trust in him at the time.

It took all my might. But I learned that the only way you can ever trust someone is because you decide to trust them.

Trusting doesn’t include checking up on someone to make sure they’re behaving. That’s the definition of doubting and mistrust.

Trusting can involve wrestling with your own doubts in the night, or taking them to a third party—not the person you’re trusting.

It doesn’t mean you won’t ever get hurt again. You might.

So why on earth would you decide to trust him again?

But I’ve found that choosing my faith instead of my fear actually improves my chances that I’ll experience the outcome I’m wanting.

The post Getting Over Being Cheated On appeared first on Laura Doyle.

How to Get My Husband to Be Healthier

If you read one article about how to motivate him, read this one.

Control and intimacy are opposites. You can’t have intimacy when you’re trying to control the person you’re with, and if you want to be in control, the intimacy will vanish.

It’s one or the other. Like light and dark.

And everybody knows you can’t control other people, anyway—not your kids, not your spouse, not anyone but yourself.

But that doesn’t stop us mere mortals from trying. Sometimes we don’t even know we’re trying to control. We think we’re just being caring, and trying to help.

Husbands are too smart to fall for that, though. They know we’re trying to control them when we “remind” them to put on their sunscreen, drink more water, take their medicine or eat a veggie now and then.

They resist that kind of thing with all their might. That’s just human nature.

So that’s never going to help your husband be healthier.

But that’s not to say you have no influence. As a wife, you have plenty.

Here’s what you can do to help your husband be healthier and live longer:
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Resign as His Nurse/Nutritionist/Personal Trainer

Even if you are a nurse, nutritionist or personal trainer by profession, consider resigning from that position when it comes to your husband.

I know your motives are good, because I had the same ones.

Maybe you’re just more health-conscious and you want your husband to thrive and live a long time.

And maybe lose a few pounds.

And get his blood pressure down and exercise a little more.

Everyone knows that’s how you get healthy. And that’s what you want for him: good health.

You’re vigilant about his health because you love him and you want him around for the kids.

Who doesn’t want that for their husband? We all do.

The problem is that, in nudging him to take his medicine or have something more nutritious than a candy bar for lunch, you’re not saying, “I love you and I want you around forever.”

You’re saying just the opposite, surprisingly.

What he hears is, “You’re not competent and capable enough to manage your own health, so I’m taking over.”

You’re affirming a negative Spouse Fulfilling Prophecy.

To a man, that’s the opposite of love. It’s the equivalent of him saying to you, “I’m not in love with you anymore.”

And that’s painful to hear.

One common response to hearing painful words from loved ones is to become numb—to drink, or eat, or somehow escape the situation. Emotional pain is not good for anyone’s health.

In other words, trying to manage his health is doing the opposite of what you want to do, in terms of pushing him toward unhealthy behaviors.

It also creates wall-to-wall hostility and Needless Emotional Turmoil (NET).

At least, it did at my house.

The Solution is Surrender

By that, I mean I stopped trying to change him, and focused on my own happiness, which in turn improved the intimacy, and, get this—

It also improved his health.

I left his health in his capable, competent hands and the guy lost 50 pounds and runs long distance every week now.

Just because I stopped talking about it and started trusting him.

You can do the same thing.

If your man feels like you respect him, he’s going to feel much more loved, and that’s going to make him want to live a lot longer.

I’m gonna repeat that because it’s so important.

Your husband will want to live longer if he knows the woman who knows him best in the world thinks he’s capable and competent to take care of himself. And therefore, he’ll take better care of himself.

He’ll be more motivated to wear his sunscreen and his helmet, eat kale and broccoli, take his medicine, go to the doctor, or do whatever is needed to stay strong and healthy.

Granted, he might have a different opinion about what is healthy than you do. You might know the essential oils that would help his allergies, while he just pops the pharmaceutical product.

That’s okay.

He’s actually the expert on his own life and body, just like you’re the expert on your own life and body.

But How Can You Stop Being Vigilant When He Could Die?

“What if it’s a matter of life and death?” you might wonder. Maybe he’s already had skin cancer, or a heart attack, or surgery.

All the more reason to leave his health in the hands of an expert: him.

There’s so much at stake. And you want him to live. Consider creating a Spouse Fulfilling Prophecy that serves what you want instead of what you don’t want.

Maybe you’ll say something like, “You take such good care of yourself,” or, “You’re such a strong man.”

As a fringe benefit, when you stop reminding him and prompting him (which he experiences as nagging), the passion and connection in your relationship returns.

Plus, you have one less thing to manage. Couldn’t you use the extra free time?

And if you use that free time to make yourself happy, he’ll want to go on living with you forever.

And he’ll do whatever it takes to see that he does.

The post Healthy Husband appeared first on Laura Doyle.

Husband in Midlife Crisis

How to Keep Your Connection, Your Cool and Your Dignity

If you’ve ever experienced your husband taking what looks like a sudden turn off of family life lane and speeding down immature, selfish highway—possibly in a new sports car—then you’ve probably suspected him of having a midlife crisis.

Maybe he stopped telling you where he is, or suddenly isn’t coming home at the usual time.

Perhaps he complains that he’s disappointed with life, and wonders why he hasn’t gotten what he wanted.

He seems to be throwing away everything you’ve built together.

He’s grumpy, depressed, and suddenly irresponsible, which is making you furious.

No amount of talking to him is creating the desired effect, as he goes along on his self-absorbed way.

He may even be saying devastating things like, “I don’t love you anymore,” or, “I don’t know if I want to be in this marriage.” It’s painful.

You may even wonder if he’s also given up on his vows.

That’s pretty serious, and terrifying.

Unless you know what to do.

Here’s how to get back to the good times when your husband is having a midlife crisis.
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The Real Reason He’s Acting This Way

Is your husband really having a midlife crisis? Or could it be something else?

The reason I ask is because my husband exhibited many of the symptoms of a midlife crisis years ago, and that wasn’t the problem. At all.

The reason he was depressed and grumpy, distant and selfish had nothing to do with being in midlife.

The reason he quit both his job and the band we played in together on the same day (without breathing a word about it to me) was not because he had middle-age crazies.

It had to do with feeling like he never got what he wanted because—and this is the embarrassing part—I rarely let him do what he wanted.

Of course, he’s a grown man, so I couldn’t stop him from doing what he wanted.

But I often tried to get him to do what I wanted instead.

I’d explain why he should go to the store while he was already out instead of making a special trip because it’s more efficient. Or ask him why he wanted to get his friend a Christmas present when his friend didn’t get him one last year. Or tell him not to order Coke at dinner because it’s such a rip-off at restaurants.

In other words, I was a controlling shrew, but I didn’t realize it. I thought I was just being logical. I thought I was helping him.

It made sense to me to try to teach him how to do things when I knew better, but as it turned out, there were a lot of things I thought I knew how to do better than him.

At first it was irritating, but over time it became unbearable, and that’s when it seemed like he really flipped out.

He seemed like a different person than the guy I married. He was angry, contrary and uncooperative. He wasn’t willing to listen to reason, from my perspective.

Double-Check the Diagnosis

Turns out he was just tired of being nagged, nit-picked and micromanaged.

My husband wasn’t having a midlife crisis at all.

He just had a chronic case of critical, controlling wife-itis.

The heart message behind a midlife crisis is a man saying, “I want control over my own life and decisions.”

From my point of view, that seemed hostile and uncaring. What about what I wanted him to do?

But he’d been bending as far as he could for a long time, and one day he didn’t want to bend anymore. He wanted to be his own man, and have the autonomy that all men crave.

Looking back, I can’t say I blame him. But at the time, I blamed him for all our problems.

I believed that if he would just do what I was telling him to do, everything would be great.

But now I know better.

Let’s Not Both Make These Mistakes…

When I could no longer get the outcome I wanted by trying to persuade, cajole, beg or make demands of my husband, I felt heartbroken, betrayed and furious.

That still didn’t get him to respond any better.

I tried ultimatums, tears and threats of divorce.

That didn’t work, either.

The cold war raged on at our house.

I considered throwing in the towel.

I’m so glad I didn’t. I would have missed the most valuable lesson of my whole life.

How to Cure the Cold War

It wasn’t until I learned how to be respectful—and especially to relinquish the inappropriate control I thought I should have over his life—that there was a change in the climate.

The more I acted like I trusted him to make good decisions and swallowed my urge to tell him what those good decisions should be, the more he seemed like that responsible, devoted guy I fell in love with.

When I returned control of my husband’s life to its rightful owner, and acted like he was competent and capable—like I had when we fell in love—something magical happened.

The midlife crisis went away.

I’ve seen the same transformation happen for thousands of other women who followed the same steps.

And if I can do it, and they can too, then why not you?

When you do, his midlife crisis will disappear and the good man you fell for will return.

The post Husband in Midlife Crisis appeared first on Laura Doyle.

Should Beyonce and Sharon Osborne Get a Divorce?

3 Ways to Keep Your Sanity and Self-Respect with a Cheating Husband in the Hizzle

Beyonce’s new video album came first, riddled with not-so-subtle clues that Jay-Z may have cheated on her.

These were the lemons she’d been handed, and since Beyonce is nobody’s victim, she processed her personal tragedy through her creative self-expression as an artist, aptly naming her album Lemonade.

Her message of empowerment was loud and clear, and the couple made no announcement of a split.

Next, Sharon Osbourne showed up to host her show, The Talk, holding a tall glass of lemonade, ready to spill about the serious defects in her marriage that prompted her to separate from Ozzy, including his alleged affair.

Maybe you didn’t release an album about it, or dish on a talk show about the betrayal in your marriage, but if you’ve been through it, you know how Beyonce and Sharon feel: furious, devastated, shocked, and unsure of what to do next.

Shouldn’t a self-respecting wife throw the bum out…even though she’ll have to break up her family in the process?

Or should she forgive him…even though she’s letting him get away with treating her that way?

What should Beyonce and Sharon do? And if you’ve been cheated on, what should you do?

Here’s how to keep your sanity and your self-respect if you’ve been cheated on.
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1. Decide Whether Your Husband Can Be Faithful

There are two kinds of men.

The first kind is not capable of being faithful. He is a chronic cheater.

If you’ve been with such a man, then you know it’s crazy-making. That experience may even have left you with the impression that all men are cheaters.

They’re not.

The majority of men are capable of devoting their entire lives to just one woman that they are committed to.

And occasionally, a man from the second category—the faithful kind—will have an inappropriate reaction to years of feeling unloved and disrespected and have an affair.

So even though both types of husbands have cheated, there’s a big difference between them: one is not capable of being faithful, and the other is capable of being faithful, but made a heartbreaking mistake.

I’m going to go back over this one more time, because so much hinges on this difference.

Some men are hopeless, as far as being faithful. They will cause you unending heartbreak and drive you nuts. If you’re married to such a man, that’s a divorce I endorse.

You deserve better.

However, some men who have crossed the line into infidelity ARE capable of being faithful. Their nature is to be true, and they have made a terrible decision.

Which category does your husband fall into?

The true expert who can answer that question is his wife.

Sharon Osbourne knows best if Ozzy is capable of being faithful.

Beyonce knows best if Jay-Z is capable of being faithful.

And you know best whether your husband is capable of being faithful.

2. If He Can Be Faithful, Your Marriage Can Be Amazing Again

It may not seem like it when the news of a betrayal is fresh, but if your husband is capable of being faithful, your marriage can be amazing again.

And here’s the shocking truth about this situation: you hold the keys to making your relationship vibrant and connected again.

Your husband’s affair is incredibly painful, but if he’s capable of being faithful to you, it’s a symptom, rather than the root problem.

His infidelity is a sign that there were things lacking in your relationship for a long time.

That doesn’t justify what he did. It’s not okay.

But focusing on that symptom will be no more effective in restoring your marriage than treating a sinus infection by focusing on why your nose is red from blowing.

His affair wasn’t personal. He didn’t do it TO you, even though it definitely impacts you.

And by deciding to make this breach of trust the breakdown before the breakthrough, you empower yourself to have the kind of relationship you deserve, but haven’t been enjoying for some time.

The miracle springs from the pain. Just as the Greek poet Aeschylus wrote:

“Even in our sleep pain that cannot forget falls drop by drop upon the heart, and in our own despair, against our will comes wisdom to us by the awful grace of God.”

3. Improve The Only Person You Can: Yourself

This experience has already made you wiser. The way to get the full measure of the benefit of that wisdom is to self-reflect.

What contributed to this breakdown? What was your part? How can you do things differently going forward?

Especially ask yourself: what kind of wife do you want to be? How can you get the skills and support to be that kind of wife?

Where can you get a marriage mentor who has what you want?

Most of us didn’t have role models who showed us how. Most of us are from broken homes, or our parents modeled unhappy relationships.

In other words, we got a recipe to follow that leads to divorce.

And we see everyone doing it. Even rich, gorgeous celebrities.

But is a divorce what you really want? Is that what’s good for you and your family?

Or would you rather be the role models of what a happy marriage looks like?

I’m not talking about resurrecting the marriage you had, where nobody was very happy. I’m talking about creating the gratifying one you envisioned when you said, “I do.”

Your family would surely benefit.

Your community would be stronger.

If that’s your intention, I admire it.

That was Shannon’s intention when her husband told her they were over because he’d found someone else, and that he was divorcing her. It was the most painful thing to live through, but she decided she would use her influence to keep her marriage together, and to make it happy.

She got her hands on The Six Intimacy Skills and got a relationship coach to help her apply them to her marriage.

It was a long, slow process, with no guarantees.

Shannon treated every meeting as a date.

She intentionally made herself happy every day.

She flirted with her husband every chance she got.

Eventually, he came back. The mistress was no match for a wife with intentions and The Intimacy Skills.

They never are.

The passion in Shannon’s marriage is better now than it had been for years. Their relationship is as vibrant as it was when they were newlywed.

It’s a model of what’s possible in marriage–even if life gives you lemons.

The post Should Beyonce and Sharon Osborne Get a Divorce? appeared first on Laura Doyle.

How to Communicate with Men

5 Life Hacks for Communicating with Men So They Hear You and Get You

Everybody knows communication is the key to a good relationship. That’s obvious.

But what if it isn’t?

I’m a good talker. I started talking early, and I never really shut up.

Growing up, my sport was Scrabble. I even majored in communication in college.

So when there were big problems in my marriage just a few years in, I knew it wasn’t me who wasn’t communicating properly.

The problem was clearly him. I noticed he didn’t even like to communicate. He didn’t listen, and he didn’t want to talk.

When I asked him how he felt, he said, “Hungry.”

Exasperating!

That’s when I realized I was in for a long “’til-death-do-us-part.” Divorce started to sound pretty tempting.

Miraculously, I then learned a few things about communication that they never taught me in school. And the funny thing is that after I learned them, my husband became a much better communicator.

Here are the 5 life hacks for communicating with men so they hear and get you:
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1. Stop Communicating With Him

When I heard that communication was the key to a happy relationship, I thought that meant that my husband and I should talk a lot.

And if some talking wasn’t doing the trick, that meant more talking would definitely be called for.

But that never worked. We spent endless hours on the couch communicating, and that never got me what I wanted–which was to know that he loved me like crazy and thought I was beautiful and special and amazing.

But the conversation never, ever got to that. Instead, they were painful, annoying, and relentless attempts to get him to see things my way.

I’ve since discovered that saying very little is a much better alternative to that kind of communicating.

I’m not talking about a cold war, where you just don’t speak and he knows you’re mad at him. I mean just deciding to let it ride for now, and maybe sleep on it and talk about it later if it still seems important.

I’m talking about leaving State of The Union addresses to the President, and saying what you want in short, little, teeny sentences.

Now, I know there is never a need for a long conversation to hash things out. We haven’t had one in over a decade.

The quicker way to get to the outcome I want (intimacy, passion, and peace) is to put metaphorical duct tape over my mouth until I can formulate a simple sentence about what I want, or issue an apology for criticizing him, or get some rest and perspective.

In other words, saying nothing is a much better choice than pummeling my husband under the guise of “communicating.”

2. Talk to Your BFFs Instead

What does talking to your girlfriends have to do with communicating with men?

Plenty.

For one thing, it’s a great place to go with a problem that might hurt the intimacy if you communicate it to him. Like, I might say to my sister, “My husband’s office is so messy, it’s really driving me bananas!”

And she can remind me that I can close the door so I don’t have to see it.

Problem solved.

But if I say to my husband, “Your office is so messy, it’s driving me bananas!” I’ve just criticized him, and that hurts the intimacy.

You might be thinking, “But what if it’s true!”

But speaking that kind of truth just makes me a porcupine wife who is prickly to be around, and that’s not worth the price of admission.

My husband already knows if his office is messy. He doesn’t need me to tell him.

But that’s not the only reason talking to my BFFs helps me communicate with my husband. It also just helps me get all my words out. And it makes me happy.

Remember how I haven’t shut up, pretty much since birth?

Sometimes I give my husband a break by talking to someone else for a while. He seems to appreciate that.

3. Say What You Want

When we haven’t had to sit on the couch to “talk” (read: fight) for an hour and I’m in a good mood from chatting with my BFFs, the atmosphere around here is great.

One way to ruin that in a hurry is by complaining.

Unfortunately, complaining is not an effective way to communicate with men. They can’t even hear you when you’re complaining, as far as I can tell.

Using this skill instead is like magic for communicating with men in my experience, because they not only hear you, they get all motivated to make it happen.

That skill is telling him what you want, instead of going on and on about how you can’t live like this for one more second.

So complaining would be, “There’s no room on the digital recorder for the new season of Fixer Upper, and it’s because it’s all clogged up with other shows that we’re never going to watch.”

Saying what I want would be, “I want some space to record the new season of Fixer Upper.”

See the difference? Now he knows what to do to make me happy: make some space for my show!

And my husband, like all husbands, wants to make his wife happy.

4. Respect His Thinking

Men need respect like they need oxygen. Just like I want to be desired and adored, my husband wants to know I think he’s capable and competent.

Otherwise, he won’t feel loved.

And when people don’t feel loved, they get defensive. And when they’re defensive, they seem like jerks, and that tends to ruin the good vibrations.

Therefore, when he thinks something completely different from what I think–like we should save the recording of The 10 Commandments from a couple of years ago because we might want to watch it later–I can either argue with him by saying that if we haven’t watched it in all this time, it seems unlikely that we ever will, or I could just say, “Whatever you think.”

As long as I have room to record Fixer Upper, what do I care?

I just saved myself an argument and gave him the respect for his thinking that he craves and deserves.

5. Keep it Light

The longer I’m married (nearly 27 years now), the more I think humor might be the answer to every problem.

I’ve learned from my husband that when one of us is struggling to put up the curtains, and they slide completely off the rod onto the floor–the best thing to say is, “Hey, quit messing around!”

I think he got that from his heroes, the Three Stooges. Now he’s got me saying it too.

That beats, “Hey, watch what you’re doing!” every time for keeping the air clear and the connection strong.

One great way to communicate and still keep the connection strong is by keeping it light.

Referencing inside jokes, making silly faces, cutting the Quaker Oats man’s picture off the box and leaving him hidden around the house for the other person to find, splashing him at the sink–all of that is a good way to communicate with a man.

The message will come through loud and clear: I’m happy and confident in this relationship, and I’m glad I’m in it with you.

That’s one of the best messages a man can hear from the woman he loves.

The post How to Communicate with Men appeared first on Laura Doyle.

My Husband Does Not Make Enough Money

5 Steps to Inspire Him to Become More Prosperous

Just think--by the time you’re done reading this, you’ll know how to inspire your husband to be…
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What I’m going to share with you is powerful, whether he’s out of work, retired, or just under-earning.

But it is not at all obvious. In fact, it’s completely counter-intuitive. At least, it was for me, and has been for many of the women I’ve worked with.

It took me many years to figure this out, and even when I did, it was hard to believe.

But now that I’ve seen it work–not just in my own marriage, but in thousands of marriages all over the world–I can’t deny that it’s ridiculously effective.

The results I see are husbands starting businesses, or growing their businesses, and getting promotions—three in one year, sometimes––or winning sales contests and getting raises.

And it was all because their wives took this scary, but enormously gratifying, approach.

Step 1: Stop Talking About It

If you’re anything like me, you’ve tried telling your husband that he needs to make more money, or that things are tight, or that you think he’s capable of making more.

Or you’ve suggested things he could do to get more income, or job changes he should consider, or asked him if he’s ever thought about going back to school.

You’ve tried being encouraging about it.

As you already know, none of that works.

In fact, just like jealousy, it has the opposite effect, which I explain here.

First my husband made less, then he made nothing as I continuously hinted, reminded, nagged and urged him to find a way to earn more income.

It all sounded like complaining and criticism to him.

That’s because it was.

Trying to explain or show him how to make more money is the same as saying, “You’re not very capable.” That is a sure way to create a lot of resentment and tension in your relationship.

So the first thing to consider is not talking about how you want him to earn more.

He already knows anyway.

Step #2: Focus on What You Have (Not What You Don’t)

Wanting my husband to make more money was actually a colossal distraction from another problem I had, which was that I worried about money. A lot.

And by a lot, I mean it was my hobby. I might as well have subscribed to “Financial Fear Weekly” or “Debt and Disaster Daily.”

Of course, it’s not that fun to think about all the ways financial disaster might strike, but that didn’t stop me.

My fantasy was that my husband would make more money and that would put an end to my unfulfilling pastime. If we had a certain amount in the bank, or paid off all the debt, or had a particular income, THEN–and only then–did I believe that I could stop fretting.

That was my logic, but it turned out to be backward.

I had feelings of financial insecurity because I focused on them, and what you focus on increases. I was focused on what I didn’t have, so I never had enough. That’s just how life works.

The only person who could change that was me.

I had focused on how much I lacked, which made me lack more, and then I wanted my husband to defeat the laws of the universe by somehow making me feel abundant.

It simply wasn’t possible. There’s plenty of money in the world, but there was never going to be much in MY world because of how I thought.

I thought my husband could fix me by providing more, even as I stifled that possibility with my incessant worrying.

What actually fixed me was the only thing that could fix me, which was making a different choice about what I focused on.

Choosing a policy of focusing on what I had instead of what I didn’t have by making a daily gratitude list for all the abundance I was enjoying in the moment was a great first step, and I highly recommend it.

You might notice as you’re making your list that you write something like, “I have food in the fridge,” and the next thought is, “But we won’t pretty soon if we don’t get some more money!”

That’s okay. That’s gonna happen at first.

Just let those thoughts fly by and stay focused on what you have. That’s the key.

Step #3: Decide to Trust Him

Besides what I was saying to my husband about how he needed to please find some way to bring home more money, I didn’t trust him to handle our family finances.

I felt I should do them, as I was positive that I was much better at doing that than him.

Except that I was wrong. He handles them now, and it’s much better for us, both financially and in terms of the connection in our marriage.

Lots of things got better when I decided to hand over that chore and demonstrate through my actions that I trusted him to do well.

People tend to rise to your expectations. My husband definitely grew, felt the full weight of the responsibility for our finances, and got the inspiration to start a successful business.

I’ve seen the same thing happen for lots of other couples where the wife found her faith instead of acting on her fear.

I know there are probably dozens of reasons it doesn’t seem like a good idea to let your husband handle the finances. There were for me, too. But mostly, I was just used to being afraid we would run out of money.

One woman who was a CFO for a $40 million private school took five years to take this leap, but when she finally did, her husband stepped up and doubled his business and bought her a brand new house. She quit her job and went back to school.

What would happen if you did the same thing?

Step #4: Honor Your Desires

Here’s a critical element of this approach that some women skip, but that’s like leaving the spaghetti sauce out of the spaghetti.

If you know money is tight, you may have a tendency to dial back your desires, to squish them down so they go away. They bubble up and you tell them to get lost because you think there’s no money for that.

That never works. All you’re doing is cheating yourself out of the things your heart yearns for, and also cheating your husband out of the opportunity to provide them for you.

Instead, consider honoring those desires by stating them to yourself and to him. Maybe you want a vacation, or a bigger house or a newer car.

Maybe you want to cut back on your work hours, or to buy some new clothes.

Whatever it is, the more you acknowledge them to yourself and to him, the more inspired he’ll be to want to get them for you.

That’s because what motivates and inspires husbands more than just about anything is being able to make their wives happy.

I know it may not seem like that at your house right now, but keep in mind that he may be defending himself from your inadvertent criticism. I know you didn’t mean to demoralize him, but that’s what happens when you encourage him to make more money.

Once he sees that you think he’s smart and capable again, that morale will improve and then his drive to please you will be back in full swing.

That’s why it’s so important to know what you yearn for and express it to yourself and others. Not that you’re expecting anything—you’re just hoping.

Step #5: Express Your Gratitude to Him

Your husband contributes to making your life more abundant and easier everyday. I know it doesn’t seem like he does enough, but he does do some–and that’s what you want to focus on, because the next step is to appreciate him.

Making your list of things you’re grateful for (step #2) is going to serve as a way to keep your focus on what you want to increase, and it will also help you express your appreciation.

His contribution may be really tiny. Maybe all you can come up with is that he made the coffee or he took out the trash. Maybe he drove one of the kids somewhere, or picked up cereal at the store.

Those are all good things to appreciate about him.

Whatever he contributes to the family financially is also worth appreciating, because what you focus on increases.

For the sake of your family’s prosperity, consider experimenting with these five steps in your relationship to see what emerges. You might be surprised at how rich you feel.

The post My Husband Does Not Make Enough Money appeared first on Laura Doyle.

What Men Want in a Relationship

The 5 Relationship Hacks All Women Should Know But Don’t

What do men want most from the women they love?

If you’re asking yourself that, it’s probably because your guy seems grumpy, distant or depressed. Maybe he’s all three.

Early on in my marriage, when everything was a struggle, I thought I was a pretty good wife.

And since my marriage was miserable, that meant that he was the problem.

But now I realize I was looking at everything through my female eyes, which meant I didn’t understand his perspective. At all.

Figuring out what my husband wanted and what made him feel loved blew open the whole mystery for me.

It was like traveling to another country and wondering why everyone was so hostile, and then learning that waving “hello” is their gesture for “drop dead.”

Now that I know what makes men feel loved, my marriage is sweet and fun.

It was easier than I thought. I was making it too hard, until I discovered these simple habits.

Here are 5 relationship hacks that I wish every woman knew, but most don’t.
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These are the things your man really wants, and will inspire him to desire, cherish and adore you 10X over.

1. Respect Him (Which is Not What You Think)

Women have a different view of respect than men do.

Women tend to think they’re being respectful when they’re considerate.

We think it’s respectful to clean up so we don’t leave a mess for him, or to reheat his dinner when he comes home late, or to pick up his dry cleaning when we’re out.

Even as I write that with my female brain, I’m thinking, “Those things seem pretty respectful!”

But here’s the rub: all of that completely misses the respect mark for men.

Sure, it’s nice to do those things. But it’s not respect, which is like oxygen to men.

And unless you know what respect looks like to a man, you can easily suffocate your husband or boyfriend without even realizing it.

He’d rather you treat him with what he sees as respect, even if it meant you skipped all those things.

This is where the trouble starts, because if, while you’re reheating his dinner, you contradict what he just said, criticize him, roll your eyes at him, interrupt him, try to teach him how to do something or point out his mistake, he’s likely to get defensive.

That’s because you were just disrespectful.

And you didn’t even realize it.

You have no idea because you didn’t raise your voice or call him names. You’re not trying to upset him.

You were just being logical, or helpful, or practical. But in the process, you questioned his competence. And he reacted badly, and you can’t understand why.

And that’s likely to cause a big breakdown because here you are serving him dinner, and he’s barking at you or grunting or ignoring you.

Seems very inconsiderate of him. Seems like he’s not respecting you.

So unless you know that even though he’s a big, strong man, you just hurt him—just as much as it would hurt you if he said, “I don’t think I love you”––his irritation seems unwarranted.

To give him the respect he wants, demonstrate that you have faith in his capabilities. Appreciate his thinking. Let him know—in actions as well as words—that you think he’s smart.

He really is. You picked him to be with, and you wouldn’t have picked an idiot.

2. Receive Graciously

Your man wants to know that he can make your life better–that he can contribute to your happiness.

He doesn’t really care if you ever do anything for him (except respect his thinking and competency).

But he wants to be able to lighten your load, make you smile, make you laugh, protect you and give you the things you want.

He wants to be able to compliment you and know that you received it. Even if it’s that you look beautiful when you just cleaned the toilet.

If you receive his extravagant gift that you could have lived without, his offers to take you out to dinner even though you already defrosted the salmon, his compliments even though they make you uncomfortable—he’ll be getting so much of what he wants from you, he’ll be ridiculously happy.

And with all his help, gifts and compliments, so will you.

Such a deal, right?

3. Be Pleasable

Okay, so I made that word up, but I can’t think of a better way to describe the quality that men want in a relationship.

Since men are so driven to please their women, if he feels he can’t succeed, he’s going to start to feel useless and bad about himself.

He needs someone to please.

If he buys you a watch and you say that it’s not the kind of watch you would wear, or if, when he trims the trees and bushes, you say he trampled the begonias, or if you argue with him when he praises your lasagna, you’re not pleasable.

In other words, he can’t make you happy. And he considers that his job.

The quickest solution is to seriously focus on making yourself happy.

Do things that make it so you can’t stop smiling.

Consider the possibility that you would stop cleaning up the mess, reheating his dinner and picking up his dry cleaning if that helps you free up time for frivolous fun.

None of that stuff is as important to him as knowing he pleased you—especially if it leaves you frazzled.

When you get happy, he feels proud and happy, too.

That’s why that phrase, “Happy wife, happy life,” is so universal.

4. Show Appreciation

Even if your husband or boyfriend seems like a gigantic disappointment right now, using this hack will be like getting a new husband.

Let him know you appreciate the way he gets the kids to behave at dinner, even if it’s old news.

Appreciate what a great job he does with the trash. Be grateful it’s all taken care of and you don’t have to worry about it.

Let him know how happy you are that he made dinner, moved the laundry to the dryer, changed a diaper, fixed the WiFi, or changed the batteries in the remote.

Even if he’s done it for years and you’ve never expressed your gratitude, and it’s his job and you do it way more than he does, your man wants to feel appreciated.

And why not?

If he didn’t do all that stuff, you’d have to do it.

5. Seduce Him

Of course, your man wants sex, too. Unless he hasn’t been feeling respected.

Respect is the best aphrodisiac for men. So if it’s gone missing completely, start with that one. You can’t have passion without oxygen.

Once he has oxygen, he’ll be more life-like in the bedroom.

But even then, he doesn’t want to feel pressured to perform at a particular time.

He’d rather be teased, or get some visual stimulation that might lead to feeling excited.

You are visually stimulating, and your voice and your scent and your touch are stimulating too.

And when you use those things to suggest that you’re willing, that you’re receptive, that’s awfully attractive and exhilarating.

It can also be scarier for you than just initiating things more directly with words or action. It’s riskier for you to put on your skimpy outfit, because he could just walk on by.

You could feel rejected.

But the upside is that you’re issuing your invitation in the most feminine possible way—with no pressure and lots of excitement.

You’re creating emotional safety by being open but not demanding. That’s what he really wants.

Another benefit of this approach is that you will never feel more desirable as when your man responds to your implied suggestion with enthusiasm and vigor.

Just as with all the other relationship hacks, the beauty of the system is that when your man is getting what he wants in the relationship, he shows up like the man you fell in love with.

The one you thought was smart, who couldn’t do enough to make you happy, who loves to see you smile, the one you appreciated, and who turned you on.

The post What Men Want in a Relationship appeared first on Laura Doyle.

My Husband is a Narcissist

The Unconventional Guide to Being Happily Married to The Self-Absorbed

Being married to someone who’s preoccupied with his own attributes is lonely and tiring.

When you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, hypersensitivity is the norm.

It’s frustrating when you make a comment and he gets defensive at the perceived attack when you didn’t intend one.

Narcissists are known for having challenges in sustaining satisfying relationships.

Of course they are—they lack empathy and are busy building up themselves to be more important than they are.

Can being married to a narcissist ever be gratifying?

Can someone so self-absorbed ever bring the tenderness, thoughtfulness and admiration that every wife craves and deserves?

Your narcissist can and will bring the tenderness when you do this for a month:
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Pretend he’s Not a Narcissist

Stay with me here—I’ll explain.

You have a diagnosis.

You’ve been told by a professional who conducted an assessment, or your therapist, or you filled out an online test and the results were clear.

Plus you have your own experience of reading the list of symptoms and nodding so hard your head nearly fell off.

So it seems incredibly obvious that your man has Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

And that’s validating to know.

I still remember the immense validation and relief I felt from finding out the diagnosis for my husband that I felt explained all of our relationship challenges.

I remember thinking, “I knew there was something wrong with him!”

His diagnosis relieved me from having to reflect on my own shortcomings for several more years.

Why should I bother thinking about how I might be contributing to our problems? He was the one with the disorder, I figured.

But that didn’t actually make me happier.

If anything, it distracted me from doing the one thing that finally made my marriage shiny and amazing again: changing how I treated my husband.

And by changing, I mean I went back to treating him the way I did when we first met and fell in love.

Then the strangest thing happened: he turned back into the man who had wooed me.

The one that I thought was so smart, funny, handsome and talented. The one who didn’t seem to have a disorder at all.

Consider Doing an Experiment

What could it hurt to try something different? Just for a month?

If it doesn’t work, you can always go back to the way things were just before you read this blog.

I know it may feel like a departure from reality to act like he’s not disordered and start expecting the best from him instead of the worst.

But the funny thing about reality is that it’s squishy, depending on how you look at it.

What you focus on increases, so if you’re focused on your husband’s narcissism, you’re going to see a lot of it. And that’s not what you want, so why focus on it?

If that sounds too woo-woo to you, think of it in more scientific terms, like research bias. Research bias is “the tendency to search for, interpret, favor, and recall information in a way that confirms one’s preexisting beliefs or hypotheses, while giving disproportionately less consideration to alternative possibilities,” according to Wikipedia.

If your bias is that he’s going to be a cold, self-centered jerk, then guess what you’re going to experience more?

If your bias is that he’s a loving, thoughtful, giving husband, then guess what you’re going to experience more?

You’ve seen two versions of your husband: one that was attractive and delightful enough to want to marry and spend the rest of your life with…

…And one who is incurably haughty, self-centered and uncaring.

Which one is the real him?

In my experience, the man you fell in love with originally will come back when you go back to treating him the way you treated him then.

Have You Changed?

When you fell in love with your man, you were doing lots of smiling, flirting, showing your gratitude and admiration. Are you still showing up that way now?

Because if you’ve changed how you’re treating him, he may be responding to you differently.

It’s good news, because it means if you change how you treat him, he’ll respond to you differently.

Maybe you’ve been so hurt and frustrated by his behavior that you don’t feel you can show up the way you used to. But you can see how refusing to go first ends up in an unhappy stalemate for both of you, right?

What if you decided to be the bigger person and be the first one to treat him respectfully, even if you don’t feel like it?

What if You Expected the Best from Him, Not The Worst?

I know there are plenty of experts who will tell you that it won’t work, that narcissists are incurable, or that it takes two to make things better.

But this expert is here to tell you that every woman I’ve ever seen who chose her faith that her husband is a good man over her fear that he was fatally flawed saw the NPD arrested.

There have been thousands.

In my experience, you can expect your narcissistic husband to write you love notes, take you to musicals, and spend hours making you organic vegetarian chili even though he’s a carnivore.

You can expect him to call you to ask what his hottie is up to, to come home from work early to be with you, and hang all the curtains while you’re out because he knows you want them up.

You can expect him to reach for your hand again, even though it’s been years.

Maybe your husband is different. Maybe he won’t ever respond the way you want him to.

But if there’s a chance that you could make the relationship great again, don’t you want to take it?

Me, too.

The post My Husband is a Narcissist appeared first on Laura Doyle.

It’s Transforming Him Too

Working on you is so important.

You are a treasure and it is worth the investment of your time, and even your resources, to figure out who you are, what your true desires are, and how to ignite your feminine spirit.

The truth is, the growth and transformation you see in yourself will transform your man, too.

I want you to watch this short video. This is a clip from our “Man Panel” at our last Cherished for Life Weekend. I love the stories of transformation we hear from women around the world daily, but I cherish the stories from the men, too.

Watch this:

(P.S. You might need a tissue!) hehehe love…

You can join us for the Cherished for Life Weekend this year! Take a weekend away for you. For him. For your relationship.

The post It’s Transforming Him Too appeared first on Laura Doyle.